rejected again by on-line "friend"

[Jaime]

9 months ago I met a guy on-line when I submitted

 

some of my work to his e-zine. From the beginning he

 

was pursuing me constantly. He told me that he saved my picture as his screensaver, masturbated to my pictures

 

and even had dreams about me. He told me that he didn't know what it was about me, but that I "did something" to him. He also made other comments that weren't physically related, telling me that i'm the only person he can relate to and that he liked me a lot and thought very "highly"

 

of me. Within a month, he made a 600 mile

 

trip to see me. We spent a night just walking around the city and he left early in the morning. I didn't hear

 

much from him in the weeks that followed and I was disappointed. But suddenly he reappeared and acted very vague, talking about being depressed and suicidal.

 

I didn't take it personally, in the least I thought he

 

had built me up to be someone great and then was disappointed. Despite my suspicions, we continued

 

talking on-line and he begged me to visit him. I travelled

 

to see him last month and spent two days with him. Again

 

we walked around his city and talked a lot, but he became

 

violently sick when I was there and seemed annoyed. He seemed like he didn't care that I was there and even

 

talked about just dropping me off at my hotel. I was hurt and felt rejected, but made the best out of a bad situation.

 

When I got home the next day I got a 5 page letter from him

 

about how he had a wonderful time and wanted to see me again

 

as soon as possible. He said there was no one else he'd rather spend time with and that I looked incredible, etc.

 

I thought to myself, "This is strange, considering you

 

seemed aggravated and unreadable the entire time I was with you." He immediately scheduled a trip to come to see me

 

weeks later. We spent four days together without an

 

interruption this time. I expected him to be very

 

physical with me, we talked a lot about it, but when we actually got in bed he would start to kiss me and then stop

 

and look at me like he wasn't sure. During sex he just took off his clothes and lay there. Afterward he became angry because he came too fast and then I tried to go to sleep but he kept talking about how it seemed like we have

 

"more to say to eachother on-line" and the next day he was very distant and claimed to be sick-- but he said that he was fine and that I seemed pissed off. Confusion!

 

Anyway, he got on the train the next day and gave me a hug and a long kiss goodbye, saying he had a good time and that he was looking forward to me making a trip to see him very soon. That day I wrote him a brief e-mail and told him I had a good time too and said that I was sad to see him leave

 

and that I missed him. It was nothing emotional, but I was confused by his response. Once he got home, he responded to it curtly by saying "I was way too tired this morning to remember being sad" then he rambled on about he hated the train ride. It's been a week since. We used to talk every ngiht for hours and write e-mails constantly. I've backed off a bit, sensing strangeness between us.

 

I've only talked to him a few times and he says he's busy

 

with his work. What i'm confused about is why would we make

 

trips to see me and spend so much time calling me, writing me, etc. if every time after he leaves he backs off and

 

pretends like I mean nothing to him?

 

For reference, neither of us are interested in a relationship and consider ourselves friends. We've never

 

talked about a relationship. I like him a hell of a lot

 

and I don't want to lose him, but I feel like maybe

 

it's for the best since he's hurting me continually

 

by backing off for no reason visible to me.

 

I just want to knwo what the hell is going on and i'm afraid

 

to mention it to him because he'll freak out and make up

 

some excuse. Sound familiar to anyone? Am i being used or

 

led on?

 

I apologize for the length of this.

[Dover]

This is a non-relationship that never should have gotten as far as even a visit. I would not be comforatble with this man knowing my last name much less where I live and I certainly wouldn't be telling him "a hell of a lot" about myself ....... but this has already been done. So let's deal with what we have to date.

 

Your first clue should have been right off the bat when he told you: "He told me that he saved my picture as his screensaver, masturbated to my pictures and even had dreams about me." Saying so much in the beginning of an online friendship, relationship, or whatever you want to call it, is a not a good sign. It could even be a danger sign. I am sure there a lot of guys out there that start masturbating to a girls pic they receive online, they just don't talk about it ... especially to the girl whose picture it is. Sister, you had better watch yourself.

 

It sounds very much from everything you have written that he feels much more comfortable with online contact with you than with that in person. Here are your words: "Afterward (having sex) he became angry because he came too fast and then I tried to go to sleep but he kept talking about how it seemed like we have "more to say to eachother on-line" and the next day he was very distant and claimed to be sick-but he said that he was fine and that I seemed pissed off. Confusion!" Now, does that sound like someone who is more comfortable in person or online? (By the way, don't be confused. He probably thought you were "pissed" because of his embarrassment of coming to soon the night before.)

 

Online fantasies can be so very wonderful, but there are certain types of people who find it difficult to communicate and/or relate to people in real life. He sounds as though he may be one of them. Trying to transform an online relationship into an IRL one sometimes does not translate well. The individual shows those sides of themselves that can only be seen in person, aren't too pretty and they many times realize this.

 

I don't know that you are being used just for a roll in the hay due to the distance the both of you have traveled to see each other, but I would not count that out entirely.

 

He has shown significant mood swings, depression, feelings of suicide, lack of confidence in himself and trying to place blame elsewhere, becoming violently ill in your presence at least once (I don't know if alcohol or drugs were involved, but if not, this could be an indication of not being comfortable in the company of a woman he is attacted to) ... I could name so many more reasons that this relationship is unhealthy from the get go.

 

Just take what I have written into consideration as possibilities and make of it what you will. I do hope you will do what is best for yourself. The guy simply does NOT sound stable ... not the best way to start a relationship and not a very good building block to say the least.

 

Best of luck to you! Dover

[Tony T]

I go along with everything Dover said. In addition, it seems he has a serious mood disorder that could require medication.

 

The bottom line is I think he's nuts, an honest and true mental case. He may or may not be under medical supervision but if he is, he is not compliant with his medication or it is being improperly supervised.

 

I not only would stay away from this man but I would consider him to be dangerous at some point in time. I was spooked just reading your post.

 

You desparately need training in identifying dangerous and undesireable men. That you would like this dude or even look forward to seeing him again spooks me as well.

 

There are better companions at the pound.

[jamie]

i have two words to say to this post: LOSE HIM! ! ! !

I go along with everything Dover said. In addition, it seems he has a serious mood disorder that could require medication. The bottom line is I think he's nuts, an honest and true mental case. He may or may not be under medical supervision but if he is, he is not compliant with his medication or it is being improperly supervised. I not only would stay away from this man but I would consider him to be dangerous at some point in time. I was spooked just reading your post. You desparately need training in identifying dangerous and undesireable men. That you would like this dude or even look forward to seeing him again spooks me as well. There are better companions at the pound.

 

[Nina]

Woah. I would've stopped talking to him after he mentioned masturbating to my picture and puttin gmy ipcture up as his screen saver. I mean, he didn't even know you.

 

From what you've described, he may have a serious mood disorder, as Tony said. People with bipolar mood disorder often swing from being very affectionate and loving to very distant and cold. It is extremely difficult to be in any kind of relationship with people with mood disorders, be it depression or bipolar.

 

Regardless of all this I agree with everyone else. Drop him. I mean, the sex should have told you something. In the end, the choice is yours but I can't imagine why anyone would want to even be friends with someone who sounds like they care little for you or your needs and are too self-centered to realize what effect their words have on other people.