Married 12 yrs, separated 4 yrs - Wife wants out & I want to save marriage. .

[ybrik]

Hello - I can understand when you see "separated for 4 years" your wondering what is there to save. As as short as I can here is the marriage hight lights/low lights:

 

-Met in 1987 she was a jr in high school. Been together most of that time.

-Married in 1998 after we had our only child (he was born 1992)

-Marriage was good , could have been better. Wife says I was cold, moody and uninterested in what she was into.

-This caused some fights and 4 years ago we began sleeping in separate rooms. No intimate conatact during that time.

-Wife did says she wanted diviorce 3 yrs ago.

-I made no attempt to improve myself which would have really saved my marriage.

-fast forwad to present day. In October wife made a friend at the gym. In May it turned into more and they spent a long wknd together at a lake over memorial day wknd.

-Found an email she sent saying what a womdeful time she had and that if she were looking for the ideal husband she would be it. Even said she loved him.

-They took a second long wknd away to the beach. I confronted her about the relationship and she said that we are legally separated and she choses to be happy that she waited for me to do something but I never did.

-Now says the love is dead and there is nothing there and could never see at any point loving me & getting back together.

-I know the OM name and what he looks like. He is tall, built and has his own business and has $. They are both into bodybuilding and that is how they met.

-I just don't think I can compete with what he has to offer.

-Her new gym friends are all very "positive" and giving her advice.

-If she loves him and seems to unfeeling for me and she likes the trips away with him I suppose I'm DOA.

-Our son is now out of school and will be going to college so the home life has changed as far as family.

 

I have a cpuple of question that keep going thru my head:

 

Q Why has she not filed for the D

Q Why not go and be with him

Q Could this new life wear off or get old

Q Could I somehow get her back

 

I so desparatly want to be married and grow old with her. I now see how the many little things I did and did not do added up and put me into this position. But I know my heart and I know I still love her so very much. For the last four years I was blocking everything out and even though we were separated I still had her in the house and could see her. We would talk and do family things but since the OM she is completely different and does not seem to care how I feel even though I know what is going on.

 

Sorry so long but if someone could please offer some advice. Do I even have a chance in hell of turing this around. I have doen some dumb things (begged, promise to change, cried andmope around) but I can't imagine life without her. My regrets hurt more than I can possibly explain.

 

Thank you

[2sunny]

-Found an email she sent saying what a womdeful time she had and that if she were looking for the ideal husband she would be it. Even said she loved him.

-They took a second long wknd away to the beach. I confronted her about the relationship and she said that we are legally separated and she choses to be happy that she waited for me to do something but I never did.

-Now says the love is dead and there is nothing there and could never see at any point loving me & getting back together.

-I know the OM name and what he looks like. He is tall, built and has his own business and has $. They are both into bodybuilding and that is how they met.

-I just don't think I can compete with what he has to offer.

-Her new gym friends are all very "positive" and giving her advice.

-If she loves him and seems to unfeeling for me and she likes the trips away with him I suppose I'm DOA.

-Our son is now out of school and will be going to college so the home life has changed as far as family.

 

I have a cpuple of question that keep going thru my head:

 

Q Why has she not filed for the D

Q Why not go and be with him

Q Could this new life wear off or get old

Q Could I somehow get her back

 

she WAITED for you to DO something... change. you didn't. she sees that she has evidence that you aren't going to change. too late to start now, as she wouldn't believe the changes if you were to start at this late juncture.

 

WHY haven't you changed? she must believe she wasn't important enough for you to make the effort.

 

the M has been effectively dead for 4 years. i don't blame her for moving forward. everyone is entitled to their own brand of happiness.

 

my suggestion for you is to get busy living and being happy as well. 4 years wasted just waiting when nothing was changing? come on, since it wasn't good enough then, what makes you think it should be good enough now?

 

your W realizes the evidence she has - and wants to live again. be happy for her - be happy you have a chance to find a fresh start and make it worthwhile.

 

and stop looking at her email - that's private and unfair to her at this stage of the game.

[DadofTwoGirls]

There's no hope for you, sorry:(..but at least she waited 4 years, my wife told me the same thing last week, about not loving me anymore, she won't admit to being with the OM but she went 'camping' without our kids for 5 days last week and we are not legally separated, been married 17 yrs..and I had PA 2 yrs ago, so I get what I sowed, but honestly, did you expect her to wait that long?..I have been separated on 3 months, and only so she wouldn't feel 'guilty' about being with OM while living together..your wife has definitely moved on..it's time for you to also:o

[ybrik]

I fear what you are saying is true and my head knows that but my heart is looking for something to hold onto. As to why I did not do anything, I suppose even though my comfort zone was abnormal to anyone else to me it was just that a comfort zone.

 

I would give ten years of my life to have one more with her. I keep thinking I know what I did wrong, I know how to make this work. All I need is a chance and I know I can fix this. I honestly feel that way and that is what hurts me the most. It was all preventable, my only chance is that her new relationship will not last and I may get an oppertunity. I just can't see lfe beyond her at the moment. I love me wife more than I can possibly explain. I keep hearing about these books out there - Homer Mcdonald but my situation is much more severe than most.

 

I'll go to my grave with this deep never ending pain. I feel so awfully alone and pray for a miracle.

[2sunny]

I fear what you are saying is true and my head knows that but my heart is looking for something to hold onto. As to why I did not do anything, I suppose even though my comfort zone was abnormal to anyone else to me it was just that a comfort zone.

 

I would give ten years of my life to have one more with her. I keep thinking I know what I did wrong, I know how to make this work. All I need is a chance and I know I can fix this. I honestly feel that way and that is what hurts me the most. It was all preventable, my only chance is that her new relationship will not last and I may get an oppertunity. I just can't see lfe beyond her at the moment. I love me wife more than I can possibly explain. I keep hearing about these books out there - Homer Mcdonald but my situation is much more severe than most.

 

I'll go to my grave with this deep never ending pain. I feel so awfully alone and pray for a miracle.

 

wake up... the only miracle that may possibly work is or you to start doing something now.

 

that means CHANGING YOU! to simply wait and expect her to become attracted to the old self she said she didn't any longer love is impossible! change. change. and more change. i don't care how uncomfortable YOU are - IF you love her like you say you do - you wouldn't be trying to offer her the same old self she didn't care for.

 

since you have made no effort to change - she views this as you not caring enough to offer a better version of your former self.

 

stop standing there whining... DO something, do everything - to make yourself the best man you can be. whether she likes it or not is beside the point - you still get the benefit of becoming a better man - with or without her.

[DadofTwoGirls]

I want to say that time will make it less painful, but 4 years..wow..how much contact have you had during that time apart?

ps.my wife told me I would have to start from the beginning (what ever that means)..it's all BULL to me..but your wife has done and told you already...

[What_Next]

IMHO it's too late. You might have had a chance if you had of immeadiately put a course of action into place, but after 4 years?

 

That doesn't mean you can't change for you. Go ahead and start that process. Your marriage is likely over (well almost definitely) but you still have a chance to improve yourself.

[2sunny]

i would like to understand why you think offering her the old version of you is adequate for her?

 

she's already stated that it was no longer what she wanted... why do you think she should want that now?

[seibert253]

Get ready for one of my patent pending 2X4's

 

She gave you 3 years to change, you did nothing, (your own admission)

Now she's met someone else, and you see the error of your ways.

 

Sorry dude, you had your chance and blew it.

 

She's gone and she ain't coming back. Nothing you do will change that.

 

Let her go and move on.

 

Peace,

[Windsurf66]

Since your wife has not filed, you still have a chance, although its a slim chance. Work hard at rebuilding your marriage, but do not be too hopeful

[hurt and devastated]

Being that I just separated from my wife I can't really give you any advice other than to stress that making changes with yourself is the most important thing you can do. I didn't change until we were on the brink of collapse and by then it was too late. It's way too easy to slip back into the comfort zone of what you were doing before, but once you do it, you'll realise it's not that difficult. Good luck with your future.

[GFORCE]

Why is everyone on this board so negative. Who says it cant work?> No one knows if it can work. I dont know about you but like everyone im also entitled to my view and my view is God. God can change anyones heart. Even your wifes. If you believe in prayer- do pray.

 

Im separated and everyone here has been telling me its over forget it move on find another woman etc. Well ,my friend , my wife is now willing tio work things out an dhas told me what i need to do too. We meet for dates and dinners now. We call each and laugh.

 

It can happen. Keep trying. Just cause he got $ and his built and etc doesnt mean he is meant for her. The excitement wont last. Once they live together and the euphoria dies down it will be back to square one.

[stillafool]

OP, I think the first thing you need to do is tell your wife everything you have told us here.. Pour your heart out to her about how you feel and what you want and then step away. Give her a chance to think about what you said. Be calm and direct with your words. Even if she chooses to stay with her current bf you will be able to move on knowing that you did tell her how you felt. But, unfortunately at this stage you may just have to move on and if you do please don't chase her because she will start to hate you. Remember she did ask for a divorce 3 years ago.

 

You said you spent time together as a family during your separation, did you have sex with your wife during the separation?