Affair ended - did you tell your BS?

[MsRight]

I have a thread going in OW/OM on my "story" and there was a great suggestion to get some feedback on this topic. Basically, let's take a poll.

 

For all those whose affair ended without their spouse finding out:

 

1. Did you tell?

2. If so, how long after it ended did you tell?

3. Would you do something different in hindsight? What would you do the same?

4. How long has it been since you told or (for those who didn't) since the affair ended?

 

I am really struggling with this right now, so thanks in advance for sharing your experience!

[JustJoe]

MsRight, Welcome to LS, I hope that we can help you and that your stay is enjoyable. This issue of disclosure v non-disclosure is a very divisive one, and you will get a great many conflicting opinions. There are valid reasons for both, but IMO unless you are worried about you safety (H going ape**** and assaulting you) then I would counsel disclosure. At the end of the day, you have to decide whether or not you are an honest person, and whether or not you want to remain in an open and honest marriage. BTW, those posters who counsel disclosure, but haven't disclosed themselves are, IMO, people to be very wary of.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Here's one opinion..I had a PA 2 yrs ago:sick:..no need to get into why only because it was wrong since there was no abuse involved in marriage..I told my wife 1 1/2 weeks ago, well texted it to her, only to get her to confess about hers, she still denies being in one..but honestly, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders..I also only told because at the time I was sure I didn't want to get back, problem is, I only thought I didn't want to try and make it work...but like JustJoe mentioned..those who councel on it without revealing it themselves?...well...

[Just a stone's throw]

MsRight, just to catch you up, I catch a lot of flack because I have chosen at this point, not to tell my H. Yet I do not know your situation fully and I posted on the other thread that if my situation was different I would like to have the ability to tell my H and level this out.

 

Somehow, I guess there is something wrong with me offering an opinion that clearly states that I have not disclosed but wish my circumstances were different so that I could. I think it would be the best thing.

 

But I guess, I'm wrong yet again, for having that opinion. Sorry JJ that I've given you more fuel for your fire.

 

JAST

[JustJoe]

You haven't given me more fuel,Stones. You've given me another reason to feel sad. It's very disheartening to see someone you like , making bad choices. I wish so much that you would try to look at your situation , more honestly. OP, Stones is a very nice person, whom I like a lot, but that I feel is wrong on the disclosure issue. Nothing more or less. You have to make the decision , yourself, so my advice is to listen to ALL posters, and make your most intelligent choice. BTW, MsRight, my last sentence on my other post was petty and unjust, and I apologize for it. It was fueled by disappointment, not anger., sorry . I tried to edit it, but was too late.

[Samantha0905]

I have a thread going in OW/OM on my "story" and there was a great suggestion to get some feedback on this topic. Basically, let's take a poll.

 

For all those whose affair ended without their spouse finding out:

 

1. Did you tell?

 

Yes, but to this day think it would have been better had I not. It wasn't necessary.

 

2. If so, how long after it ended did you tell?

 

It wasn't long. I don't even remember now. A month maybe.

 

3. Would you do something different in hindsight? What would you do the same?

 

I wouldn't have the affair. I wouldn't stay in a marriage for years in which I'm sexually dissatisfied. Perhaps I would have gotten out of my marriage first and then dated my affair partner. Who knows? I try to deal in current realities. Once I had the affair, I wouldn't have revealed it to my spouse once it had already ended -- of that I'm pretty sure in hindsight.

 

4. How long has it been since you told or (for those who didn't) since the affair ended?

 

I'm so bad with dates. It's been a couple of months maybe? People here would remember that better than me. I don't hold onto dates like that.

 

I am really struggling with this right now, so thanks in advance for sharing your experience!

 

Each experience is unique. I hope you find out what is going to work best for you. Mainly, I hope you work on the issues in your marriage. I feel an affair is a bad choice when one is unhappy and vulnerable. The actual affair wasn't the problem(s) in your marriage. I would focus on what those problems actually are and whether or not they can be remedied.

[Manofaction]

I have a thread going in OW/OM on my "story" and there was a great suggestion to get some feedback on this topic. Basically, let's take a poll.

 

For all those whose affair ended without their spouse finding out:

 

1. Did you tell?

2. If so, how long after it ended did you tell?

3. Would you do something different in hindsight? What would you do the same?

4. How long has it been since you told or (for those who didn't) since the affair ended?

 

I am really struggling with this right now, so thanks in advance for sharing your experience!

 

1. No I did not tell my W.

2. It ended almost 2 years ago. I found out OW had OOM and that she was planning a trip to see him for a weekend getaway. She lied to my face and put my health at risk!!! I sent anonymous email to OW's H and he was clueless. OW was raped by her now xH after being caught.

3. If I had to do it over again I would have just kept silent.

I have worked hard on my M for the past 2 years. Read 5 love languages, done marriagebuilders, taken trips....just the two of us without the 4 kids.

4. A ended Aug 08 when I told xOW that I was the one that told her now xH. I told her to get her to leave me alone forever and I felt like telling her to truth was the right thing. If I had to do it over I wouldn't have told her either. I know all the words to describe a cheater.....

 

Like msright,starter of this thread, I acted out of hurt and jelousy. I'm not that person anymore.....I am so much a changed man that IS jaded.

I work with OW, she still cares for me.....it makes me think she does love me sometime, I taught sunday school for 26 wks last year and continue to work hard on my M. I think of xOW often, but I know there is NO future there. After the A, I focused on me, ran a marathon in Nov. and in school for my 4th degree. Yes I have an amazing job, but I'm following my passion with my next one.

 

Why have the affair? This took me two years to figure out: I was selfish but the most important reason the xOW desired me. That's right my wife did not desire me. That is my weakness and problem in our M. Long story here if somebody wants to read it?

Edited June 21, 2010 by Manofaction

[Spark1111]

Well, fBS here who found out about a 1.5 year affair my husband had with a former co-worker.

 

The level of devastation is like nothing I have ever experienced, and he should have confessed it to me; it would have been the honorable thing to do.

 

Hell, he should have confessed he was developing feelings for another. As much as that would have hurt, we could have separated; gone to counseling to see if we had a marriage worth saving, and I could have also dated to see if there was a better man for me out there somewhere.

 

Ultimately, on every level, affairs are SOOOOO SELFISH.

 

With that being said, I told my husband it was a three-step process: I would have to forgive the affair (I did.) I would have to forgive the lying and deception (So much harder.) And then I would have to decide if I would ever respect him again (The hardest).

 

Own your choices and mistakes. Confess before being found out (Much more respectful) and expect the consequences of your actions which may, or may not, mean your spouse will do one of two things: Stay and together build a BETTER relationship, or walk away.

 

Can't control the outcome out of fear of being left (too selfish, again! See a pattern here?); can't create a better marriage with this secret in your heart.

 

I guess you can have a good enough marriage, if that's what you are willing to settle for.

[linwood]

If I managed to extricate myself out of an affair unscathed I would never speak of it to my SO.

 

It`s not going to do anything but alter their perception of you in a way that is not going to be good for the relationship.

 

Their perception may very well be correct or it may not but if I truly wanted the relationship and was willing to grow up and work at it I`d never tell.

[Spark1111]

1. No I did not tell my W.

2. It ended almost 2 years ago. I found out OW had OOM and that she was planning a trip to see him for a weekend getaway. She lied to my face and put my health at risk!!! I sent anonymous email to OW's H and he was clueless. OW was raped by her now xH after being caught.

3. If I had to do it over again I would have just kept silent.

I have worked hard on my M for the past 2 years. Read 5 love languages, done marriagebuilders, taken trips....just the two of us without the 4 kids.

4. A ended Aug 08 when I told xOW that I was the one that told her now xH. I told her to get her to leave me alone forever and I felt like telling her to truth was the right thing. If I had to do it over I wouldn't have told her either. I know all the words to describe a cheater.....

 

Like msright,starter of this thread, I acted out of hurt and jelousy. I'm not that person anymore.....I am so much a changed man that IS jaded.

I work with OW, she still cares for me.....it makes me think she does love me sometime, I taught sunday school for 26 wks last year and continue to work hard on my M. I think of xOW often, but I know there is NO future there. After the A, I focused on me, ran a marathon in Nov. and in school for my 4th degree. Yes I have an amazing job, but I'm following my passion with my next one.

 

Why have the affair? This took me two years to figure out: I was selfish but the most important reason the xOW desired me. That's right my wife did not desire me. That is my weakness and problem in our M. Long story here if somebody wants to read it?

 

So here are the things that remain unquestioned and unanswered without disclosure:

 

WHY does she desire you less? What steps have been taken to correct the relationship between you two....and, will you forever be vulnerable to someone coming onto you with desire?

 

I guess you are settling for good enough.

[Manofaction]

So here are the things that remain unquestioned and unanswered without disclosure:

 

WHY does she desire you less? What steps have been taken to correct the relationship between you two....and, will you forever be vulnerable to someone coming onto you with desire?

 

I guess you are settling for good enough.

 

Why did she desire me less.....She was depressed, we dated since 17, 4 kids, we were not working on the M, etc. I was not working on M and neither was she. The stories we tell each other now.

 

We go on date night every Friday. We take walks together, we both have lost a lot of weight.....150 lbs between us. I'm now at 165 and she is a 155. We both taught 5 langs of love. We both did marragebuilders.com We communicate so much better. She puts me first and I do the same for her. It builds desire. We are ALL human and vulnerabe. Nobody is without sin. I saw what happend to xOW, her xH, and her children. I looked over the edge and I've seen HELL!!!! I had fear in my heart and repented to god. I know so much about xOW and I believe in wisdom to learn from your mistakes. There are stong walls around my M now. I take my shame out by making my M better and showing my wife she is my queen. I love my wife!! I'm not settling for good enough I'm doing what is good but not what is right.....two faces of ethics.

 

It is my decison is the greater good is to live a better life, be a better father, be a better husband. We are all haunted by our past.

[Spark1111]

Why did she desire me less.....She was depressed, we dated since 17, 4 kids, we were not working on the M, etc. I was not working on M and neither was she. The stories we tell each other now.

 

We go on date night every Friday. We take walks together, we both have lost a lot of weight.....150 lbs between us. I'm now at 165 and she is a 155. We both taught 5 langs of love. We both did marragebuilders.com We communicate so much better. She puts me first and I do the same for her. It builds desire. We are ALL human and vulnerabe. Nobody is without sin. I saw what happend to xOW, her xH, and her children. I looked over the edge and I've seen HELL!!!! I had fear in my heart and repented to god. I know so much about xOW and I believe in wisdom to learn from your mistakes. There are stong walls around my M now. I take my shame out by making my M better and showing my wife she is my queen. I love my wife!! I'm not settling for good enough I'm doing what is good but not what is right.....two faces of ethics.

 

It is my decison is the greater good is to live a better life, be a better father, be a better husband. We are all haunted by our past.

 

This is all wonderful!

 

Do you not find it burdensome to walk around with your secret and keeping it from your wife? The person you share the greatest intimacy with NOW...?

 

My fWS has told me most, but not all, and his shame is great. While shame is a great motivator, I do not believe it is ultimately the healthiest one.

 

If God has forgiven you, what makes you think your wife's love is not strong enough to forgive you also?

 

I understand you wanting to be judged by your positive actions today. If the roles were reversed and she had an affair she is keeping secret from you, would you be okay with her never divulging that info to you?

[califnan]

Wasn't in an affair during marriage.. But would still like to offer an opinion..

 

I believe in total honesty, openness, light - between H and W .. That would be a reason for telling of the affair..

 

However, I think affairs seem to turn out to be insignicant in that the H or W in the affair may be extremely regretful .. This they may never be able to convey to their spouse.. Infidelity would be so big to the offended spouse - that it may cast a bigger stone into the marriage, than need be?

[MsRight]

As I think about this more: There are some things I know now that I wish I didn't. Things I can't do anything about. Things that just hurt, things that are frustrating. If I tell, I would want to make sure there is something to do about it. In one sense there's not: what's done is done. I've learned my lesson. We are already making great progress on the marriage. OTOH, there totally is: his decision about whether or not to stay, basically on the principle of the thing.

 

Secondly, it seems to me that feeling guilty is the worse possible reason to tell. Laying that burden on the BS just to get a weight off one's own chest? That seems like more of the selfish behavior continuing on.

 

I wish I could answer the question honestly: if your H cheated but stopped and it for sure would never happen again - would you want to know? I honestly, honestly don't know. There have been too many times in this life that I have thought I would have preferred oblivion for me to say I would. But, I can't say I wouldn't with confidence because I am obviously not impartial.

[DadofTwoGirls]

maybe the telling of an A isn't selfish..maybe they just think it's the right thing to do...sure a weight will be lifted, and of course the weight of guilt has a lot to do with it, but maybe it's a step to assure it will never happen again regardless of what the BS does after being told....then again, like with all mistakes, it could have untold consequences..best thing to do is to leave the marriage before starting one, if not, then that is selfish.

[Fight4Me]

fBS here also. My fWH disclosed it to me (although it was initially to ask for a D), and I firmly believe that I was able to heal more fully and completely and in a shorter period of time because of that fact.

 

If he had kept it from me and I had found out months or years later, even if we had made it to the level of contentment we have now, it would all have been a lie for me.

 

As a Christian, I believe these things end up coming to light one way or another anyway. There's nothing the enemy would like more than to tear apart a family, and secrets (lies by omission), have the potential to be used for that purpose. In fact, had my fWH not told me everything, an incident that occurred months later that originated from someone who knew the OW, would have destroyed our marriage. It is said that the lies are more damaging and harder to get over than the actual A, and I completely agree.

 

I understand not everyone believes as I do. I am just grateful that there's nothing hidden between us anymore, and I feel more secure now than even before the A (when things were really good). Just my opinion, fwiw.

[Snowflower]

fBS here, I hope it's okay if I weigh in...

 

In general, I'm undecided if it is best to always confess to the BS. I know that everyone, every marriage, and every situation is different. So it is hard for me to say unilaterally, "yes, you need to tell."

 

Some of the WS here who I have a lot of respect for haven't confessed, for various reasons. It's their call and their decision.

 

IMO, the whole debate gets tiring.

 

FWIW, my H confessed to me so I can only go by that experience. And speaking from my own experience, I'm glad that he did. Even if our marriage had ended in that moment when he told me I would have still been grateful. I would have felt like at least he considered my well being enough to be truthful. It would have allowed me to still have some respect for him and I would have had to continue to have some future contact with him because of our children.

 

It would have made things easier and more honest even if D was the final outcome.

 

As difficult as it was for me to hear that from him, and it was the worst night of my life, the night he told me, it was also when I knew without a doubt that he loved me more than he loved himself. It was a selfless act on his part.

 

My .02!

Edited June 21, 2010 by Snowflower

[ladydesigner]

Wasn't in an affair during marriage.. But would still like to offer an opinion..

 

I believe in total honesty, openness, light - between H and W .. That would be a reason for telling of the affair..

 

However, I think affairs seem to turn out to be insignicant in that the H or W in the affair may be extremely regretful .. This they may never be able to convey to their spouse.. Infidelity would be so big to the offended spouse - that it may cast a bigger stone into the marriage, than need be?

 

I agree with this califnan. i chose not to disclose and wont disclose. That is all I am willing to discuss at this point. If you would like you can look at some of my past posts. There is always a heated debate with this and I don't wish to join in it only to state where I am at with this decision.

[JustJoe]

My position on this issue is crystal clear also. I have NEVER heard of a truly good marriage or relationship based upon deceit. To continue to deceive is to continue the affair.

[silktricks]

fBS here - my husband told me. Interestingly enough he had always said (whenever we had discussions about subjects such as this) that he thought a person who told was being selfish and hurting the other person to no good end. When I asked him why he told, he said he couldn't bear the thought that some other woman knew something I did not.

 

So... my opinion, for what it's worth is this: I am glad he told me, because if had not told me we would not have been able to truly rebuild our marriage. To do things right, we had to both know all the bad stuff...

 

I don't think it's necessary for everyone - or even a good thing for everyone. For me, my husband and our marriage, I think it was best - even though sometimes I have to admit that I wish I didn't know.

[bestplayer]

Maybe not. I would tend to agree with you.

 

However, consider that the cheating spouse, who chooses not to disclose, prefers to have a less than "truly good marriage," as opposed to the fallout which might occur upon disclosure, such as divorce.

 

So the choice is really between a not so good marriage, based upon deceit; and very possibly having to get divorced if the affair is disclosed.

 

It seems pretty clear to me that someone can have an affair, end the affair, but still decide not to disclose it because of the fear of the consequences of disclosure.

 

This reason for non disclosure is perfectly rational.

 

I happen to think that the "real" issue is often that people who do not disclose their affairs are never forced by the disclosure to actually take steps to rectify whatever caused them to have the affair in the first place, whether that be problems in themselves, problems in their spouse, or problems in the marriage.

 

So they don't do anything, really, to address the issues as to why the affair happened; but they are still stuck in the same dysfunctional relationship.

 

But to me it is at least conceivable that a person could have an affair, be truly remorseful, never disclose it, and completely move on. I'm just not persuaded that anyone feeling a need to post about their situation on an infidelity message board would be capable of successfully achieving the level of comparmentalization needed to pull it off.

 

...it is at least conceivable that a person could have an affair, be truly remorseful, never disclose it, and completely move on.

I think that too isn't a bad option for op to consider if she is truly remorseful.

Edited June 21, 2010 by bestplayer

[Spark1111]

My position on this issue is crystal clear also. I have NEVER heard of a truly good marriage or relationship based upon deceit. To continue to deceive is to continue the affair.

 

I agree with you JJ.

 

Not only does the deceit protect the one who wandered, it controls the outcome for the BS: No knowledge equals no informed choices.

 

It also never forces either party to examine the underlying reasons for why someone strayed. It avoids conflict at all costs. It's a secret.

 

Dang it!

 

If you did not give a rat's behind about me before and during the affair and now you claim to have learned your lesson (to yourself)....hmmm...how could YOU even trust you will never be tempted again during the next rough patch, argument, life stressor.

 

It's like saying, "well, I'm being a good girl or good boy NOW."

 

It's easier, IMO. Definitely easier than examining why you made such a self-destructive choice to begin with.

 

Yes, the very best relationships have total honesy, even telling each other about a possible attraction to a third party. Then both sit down and devise a plan to put boundaries in place to protect the relationship.

 

Imagine that.

[Spark1111]

...it is at least conceivable that a person could have an affair, be truly remorseful, never disclose it, and completely move on.

 

I think that too isn't a bad option for op to consider if she is truly remorseful.

 

Okay, good point.

 

Who gets to define truly remorseful?

 

The one that cheated? Not the one cheated on?

 

Very, very condescending, IMHO.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have a thread going in OW/OM on my "story" and there was a great suggestion to get some feedback on this topic. Basically, let's take a poll.

 

For all those whose affair ended without their spouse finding out:

 

1. Did you tell?

2. If so, how long after it ended did you tell?

3. Would you do something different in hindsight? What would you do the same?

4. How long has it been since you told or (for those who didn't) since the affair ended?

 

I am really struggling with this right now, so thanks in advance for sharing your experience!

 

I can't answer your questions as I have never cheated on anyone.

 

I can tell you is if you are in an affair or were, you are selfishly holding your SO hostage by letting them unknowingly be in a relationship with a cheater. If you don't come clean you are robbing them of the right to make informed decisions on how their life turns out. You are robbing them of that.

 

so question is, if you had an affair and are too scared to come clean, why is it? Is it because you are selfishly wanting to keep them in the dark because you are afraid you might lose them? If so, that is all the more reason to come clean, because your lie out of omission is all for YOUR end outcome.

 

and if you decide to not tell, and they never find out...well then I guess congratulations are in order....you got away with it.

Edited June 21, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[Snowflower]

so question is, if you had an affair and are too scared to come clean, why is it? Is it because you are selfishly wanting to keep them in the dark because you are afraid you might lose them? If so, that is all the more reason to come clean, because your lie out of omission is all for YOUR end outcome.

 

 

I can't answer this either since I've never cheated but my guess is this...the reason many/most WS are too scared to come clean is because they are conflict avoiders in the first place.

 

Instead of facing the issues within themselves or the relationship...such as get counseling or go ahead and get divorced...they avoid the whole issue and cheat.

 

So, someone who doesn't have the coping skills to either leave an unhappy situation or deal with issues in a positive way, can they really be expected to handle the dilemma of coming clean with their BS or do they just avoid some more?