Affair ended - did you tell your BS?

[Secure]

I have a thread going in OW/OM on my "story" and there was a great suggestion to get some feedback on this topic. Basically, let's take a poll.

 

For all those whose affair ended without their spouse finding out:

 

1. Did you tell?

2. If so, how long after it ended did you tell?

3. Would you do something different in hindsight? What would you do the same?

4. How long has it been since you told or (for those who didn't) since the affair ended?

 

I am really struggling with this right now, so thanks in advance for sharing your experience!

 

1. NO

2. NO

3. Different? Never entered the A.

Same? Inform my spouse of problems in our relationship prior to A.

4. Lasted 19 months, ended 6 months ago.

[bentnotbroken]

This is all wonderful!

 

Do you not find it burdensome to walk around with your secret and keeping it from your wife? The person you share the greatest intimacy with NOW...?

 

My fWS has told me most, but not all, and his shame is great. While shame is a great motivator, I do not believe it is ultimately the healthiest one.

 

If God has forgiven you, what makes you think your wife's love is not strong enough to forgive you also?

 

I understand you wanting to be judged by your positive actions today. If the roles were reversed and she had an affair she is keeping secret from you, would you be okay with her never divulging that info to you?

 

This of course has caught my attention. God does forgive us for our sins when we ask and are truly repentant. But being forgiven for an affair doesn't mean forgiven for a continued lie. It is wrong to build a new marriage on an old lie.

[Sparta8]

"I happen to think that the "real" issue is often that people who do not disclose their affairs are never forced by the disclosure to actually take steps to rectify whatever caused them to have the affair in the first place, whether that be problems in themselves, problems in their spouse, or problems in the marriage.

 

So they don't do anything, really, to address the issues as to why the affair happened; but they are still stuck in the same dysfunctional relationship."

 

My wife had an affair in 1991 which she did not disclose until she had begun another affair in 2008. I will now always be haunted by the lie that lasted 17 years along with the trauma of the second affair.

 

Had I been told in 1991, the ensuing years would have been much different. Likely we would have worked through it and had a stronger marriage for the next two decades. Instead, we went through the upheaval of a second affair.

[Spark1111]

"I happen to think that the "real" issue is often that people who do not disclose their affairs are never forced by the disclosure to actually take steps to rectify whatever caused them to have the affair in the first place, whether that be problems in themselves, problems in their spouse, or problems in the marriage.

 

So they don't do anything, really, to address the issues as to why the affair happened; but they are still stuck in the same dysfunctional relationship."

 

My wife had an affair in 1991 which she did not disclose until she had begun another affair in 2008. I will now always be haunted by the lie that lasted 17 years along with the trauma of the second affair.

 

Had I been told in 1991, the ensuing years would have been much different. Likely we would have worked through it and had a stronger marriage for the next two decades. Instead, we went through the upheaval of a second affair.

 

Exactly. This is the opinion of all of those who believe in full disclosure.

 

So sorry you had to endure this.

[MizFit]

I've seen a few WS come in here and say how great it was now that the A has ended and they have such new lease on life and they love their S so much and all is right with the world. They want other WS to know it can be done and give them some encouragement.

 

Then you find out all they did was basically break up with a 'boyfriend or a girlfriend'...they never did the one thing that mattered-told the S. Bit of a hollow victory in my eyes...having said that there were some BS that said they wish the WS had never come clean. I couldn't do that to my spouse.

 

Unfortunately this is one of those polarizing topics with lots of debate and precious few points of common ground.

[Spark1111]

I've seen a few WS come in here and say how great it was now that the A has ended and they have such new lease on life and they love their S so much and all is right with the world. They want other WS to know it can be done and give them some encouragement.

 

Then you find out all they did was basically break up with a 'boyfriend or a girlfriend'...they never did the one thing that mattered-told the S. Bit of a hollow victory in my eyes...having said that there were some BS that said they wish the WS had never come clean. I couldn't do that to my spouse.

 

Unfortunately this is one of those polarizing topics with lots of debate and precious few points of common ground.

 

Mizfit: Could not agree more.

 

It all depends on the type of relationship you desire.

 

For many, marriage is a contract; you take care of the house and the kids; I'll provide security, both financial and physical. It's "good enough."

 

They do not want too much information; it's not necessary to maintaining the status quo.

 

For those of us deeply in love with our SO, status qou leaves a very bad taste in our hearts. We want to be gloriously, passionately partnered with SOMEONE. Maybe it's the reason an affair was had in the first place.

 

But it is also what I want. Hopefully with him. But if not, that's okay too. I was never in it to retain the status quo.

[Untouchable_Fire]

As I think about this more: There are some things I know now that I wish I didn't. Things I can't do anything about. Things that just hurt, things that are frustrating. If I tell, I would want to make sure there is something to do about it. In one sense there's not: what's done is done. I've learned my lesson. We are already making great progress on the marriage. OTOH, there totally is: his decision about whether or not to stay, basically on the principle of the thing.

Secondly, it seems to me that feeling guilty is the worse possible reason to tell. Laying that burden on the BS just to get a weight off one's own chest? That seems like more of the selfish behavior continuing on.

I wish I could answer the question honestly: if your H cheated but stopped and it for sure would never happen again - would you want to know? I honestly, honestly don't know. There have been too many times in this life that I have thought I would have preferred oblivion for me to say I would. But, I can't say I wouldn't with confidence because I am obviously not impartial.

 

If you don't tell... how can you really call it love? Your not giving the SO a chance to decide to stay. Your denying the opportunity to really know who you are, even the bad parts.

 

What is love if not doing something that hurts for the betterment of the other person. Love is not dishonest, or cowardly.

 

Basically, your going to have to choose whether you want real love... or a hollow sham.

[road]

The odds have shown when a WS has an affair and it ends without getting caught there were no consequences to face. So most likely the affair restarts or the WS finds a OP.

 

The BS deserves to know the truth what has happened in his life. His marriage is part of his life. So he must be given the truth.

[U2RockZz]

"it seems to me that feeling guilty is the worse possible reason to tell. Laying that burden on the BS just to get a weight off one's own chest? That seems like more of the selfish behavior continuing on."

 

this it load of crap.....if you are so much guilt ridden...you would have stopped your A on the it had started.....

 

telling him will not hurt him....it will give him a fair chance to decide whether he wanted to be with a cheater,user,opportunist like you....in fact it would be gr8 favor you have ever done towards your H

[Secure]

"I happen to think that the "real" issue is often that people who do not disclose their affairs are never forced by the disclosure to actually take steps to rectify whatever caused them to have the affair in the first place, whether that be problems in themselves, problems in their spouse, or problems in the marriage.

 

So they don't do anything, really, to address the issues as to why the affair happened; but they are still stuck in the same dysfunctional relationship."

 

My wife had an affair in 1991 which she did not disclose until she had begun another affair in 2008. I will now always be haunted by the lie that lasted 17 years along with the trauma of the second affair.

 

Had I been told in 1991, the ensuing years would have been much different. Likely we would have worked through it and had a stronger marriage for the next two decades. Instead, we went through the upheaval of a second affair.

 

What did you decide once finding out about the A in 2008? Would you have left in 1991 had you known?

 

I believe disclosure for women is much more difficult due to men being less likely to forgive than women. There seems to be many female BS on LS who forgave and continued in their marriages. I read often on the internet, LS, and more opinions of men who say "leave her" and have many names for women who cheat. If you are completely aware an A would be a definite "deal breaker" for your M, you will only disclose if you are absolutely ready to exit.

 

In my personal experience, the divorces due to infidelity were the ones in which cheating occurred by the wife. I am aware of several couples who reconciled after the husband was the culprit.

[Darth Vader]

"I happen to think that the "real" issue is often that people who do not disclose their affairs are never forced by the disclosure to actually take steps to rectify whatever caused them to have the affair in the first place, whether that be problems in themselves, problems in their spouse, or problems in the marriage.

 

So they don't do anything, really, to address the issues as to why the affair happened; but they are still stuck in the same dysfunctional relationship."

 

My wife had an affair in 1991 which she did not disclose until she had begun another affair in 2008. I will now always be haunted by the lie that lasted 17 years along with the trauma of the second affair.

 

Had I been told in 1991, the ensuing years would have been much different. Likely we would have worked through it and had a stronger marriage for the next two decades. Instead, we went through the upheaval of a second affair.

 

 

I gotta ask you man, why did you stay with her after learning that 17 years of your life were wasted, knowing they were nothing but a LIE? Have you asked her why she forced you to live a lie and why she wasted your life?

 

That truely Sucks! Yes, you should contact that SOB and let him have it! He helped to destroy your life, he should feel consequences!

 

Yes, I've read your Threads!

Edited June 29, 2010 by Darth Vader

[U2RockZz]

OP, just check whoever is replied to you(not to tell) most of them do not have balls to face themselves in the mirror.....when they can't stay true to themselves...how can they stay true to somebody else.......but you not telling your H doesn't mean that...he can't know the truth....every cheater,criminal think they are smart.....you can't close your eyes and say hey ,world can't see me .....