amerikajin Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 I'll just come out and say it and ignite whatever controversy may come: I'm dating one woman, but I'm scoping others. My girl and I haven't come to any firm conclusions yet, though last week we more or less touched on the subject about our future. We're still dating, but we both realize there will be a time when we'll be going different directions. We've more or less just agreed to continue dating until such time comes. With that in mind, it's not like I'm searching high and low for a replacement for her, but I've decided that if someone catches my eye, a coffee get together or two (that's how I'll describe it - you can call it whatever you wish) in the daytime or late afternoon in an effort to get to know someone a little better isn't necessarily out of bounds. Well, I asked this one girl out. I got her phone number, waited a week and asked her out...all according to plan. I actually asked her to see if she could get together for a coffee get together the following day. She already had plans. Eh, no problem. She's busy, and I got her on short notice. Understandable. So, I wait a few more days and ask her out again for this week, this time with a few more days lead time. I recommended a time and place. Her response at first was that the day was fine but she wanted to set the time closer to the day of the meeting. Again, no problem. So, today I see her, and man, I mean I sounded horrible - bad cold and my throat was really scratchy and hoarse, I could barely talk. Just traded a little small talk and told asked her matter of factly to let me know what time she wanted as we got closer to the day? Well, later today, she suddenly cancels the day altogether "Actually, Wed. is a pretty bad day. Busy busy." No need to analyze the situation - I know I'm out. That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is that she initially said "Okay" and even seemed interested in it at first, whereas today I got a completely different vibe from her. I didn't at all think I was acting nervous or desperate around her. Did I screw up somewhere? Did she just exercise her female prerogative to change her mind? I just need to know if I should tweak my approach in the future. If I had to guess, it could have been that I lowered her interest level when I asked her out the first time on short notice. The thing is, my schedule and her schedule are both so screwy, I didn't know when I'd have the chance to meet with her again. I didn't want her to think I was disinterested. Did I screw up? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Your post made my day. Hell no, you didn't screw up. But you did show me that women are the same in distant parts of the world as they are in the United States. Screw her, forget about her. Once in a blue moon, you'll meet a nice level headed lady who will keep her word. On the other hand, perhaps she heard your voice and didn't want the germs. You never know. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Now this is real interesting. I recently posted with my problem of having a couple guys interested in me that I wasn't interested in. Both had asked me out; I'd initially said 'yes' (mouth working faster than brain because they are people I see often in social situations so I first thought 'what's the harm') and then rethought it. Posted my dilemma here. Was told by folks to recant my agreement. In the end, I emailed the one to explain that I didn't think he really wanted me to go out as just friends (which had been his contention) and I really only wanted to remain as pals. He was fine with that and we are. I did have coffee with the other but, as one LSer suggested, I paid for myself. Discovered he wanted me as a dance partner (which, in the dance world, can often be the entrée to a non-dance relationship). I told him the truth; that I feel I need a complete year at my level before I consider having a permanent dance partner. He was fine with that - but he did want a hug afterwards. Bottom line, Amerikajin, I think, is that she did what I did - said 'yes' almost as reflex and then realized she'd be sending the wrong message if she went through with it. I don't think you need to denigrate all womankind because, every once in a while, one of us might speak without thinking and then have to go through a whole 'what the hell was I doing' process. Some of us don't enjoy issuing a flat-out 'no' when a person is interested in us - after all, that means a rejection of sorts and not everyone is able to do that to somebody else with aplomb. Or maybe, Amerikajin, she's being a 'challenge' Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 It makes absolutely no difference what her reason was for backing out of the date. Unless she proposed an alternate date or requested he call in a week or two to schedule another date, expressing some interest, she should be forgotten. Any person, male or female, who backs out of a date without expressing a sincere desire to get together another time by proposing an alternate time, is just plain not interested...or is still wondering if she is pregnant from the last guy and will post here requesting information on such matter. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 I agree, Tony. I's just pulling Amerikajin's chain on an issue we regularly disagree on Link to post Share on other sites
Author amerikajin Posted February 1, 2004 Author Share Posted February 1, 2004 Don't worry, Tony. I have no intentions of asking her out a second time. I've been down that road before. >>>Or maybe, Amerikajin, she's being a 'challenge' <<< I knew that was coming If I had to guess, I'd say she was only mildly interested in me at first, but perhaps thought about it twice for whatever reason and just decided she wasn't interested. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Any chance she heard that you were in a committed relationship with another person? That would squelch her interest quickly. And does the person you are "dating" realize that you claim the right to play the field? If not, watch out for the fur to fly. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 The truth is...when a woman is playing the field....she will be interested in one guy during the morning....but maybe have something different going by that afternoon. It depends on her surroundings and how many options she has. I find if I'm working on a ship....I'll always flirt with some sailor till another one I'm more interested in comes along. The bad thing about flirty people...is that they rarely flirt because they truly care about someone....they flirt because they want the attention the flirt brings back to them. It's actually a selfish act. I'm one of those people....and have chosen to stay single at this time....because I know this trait isn't 'relationship material'. When you see a person like that....unless you are just in it for the moment....stay away! There is no future in it. If she showed interest....then backed off....don't take it personally or to heart. She's just playing and you happened to walk on her playing field. It really isn't worth you giving it too much thought. You are a great guy Amer.....and I'm sure there is some wonderful 'liberal' girl waiting out there for you.....LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Author amerikajin Posted February 2, 2004 Author Share Posted February 2, 2004 >>>Any chance she heard that you were in a committed relationship with another person? That would squelch her interest quickly. <<< I doubt she's heard that I have a girlfriend, but if she has, so be it. If she asked me whether I was dating anyone, I would tell her the truth. I wouldn't make a serious move (i.e. a dinner date, a kiss, etc) on her unless I ended it with my current gf. I have neither the time nor the energy to date two women at once; on the contrary, I have enough respect for my girlfriend (and anyone) not to do that. It's not like I'm building a database of phone numbers either. I think both of us are being realistic about this relationship. I like spending time with my girlfriend and doing things with her, but I think there's an end of the road at some point. I'm just keeping my eyes open in case there's someone who does catch my attention. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Speaking as a lady who is no longer in the playing field,but when I was.... If there was a guy that caught my eye I would almost ask anyone and everyone I knew if they knew him and what he was like. I had a customer make eyes at me every time he came into were I worked, I asked around about him. Awhile later He asked me if I was married? I told No but you are. That just blow him away. Guys check out girls to. I once dated a guy that openly admitted all that he knew about me on our second date. I felt like he had stocked me, then I realised he literally lived three houses away. Link to post Share on other sites
wisewoman Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Make sure you ask her out by Tuesday/Wed for a Saturday date... "THE RULES!" I say try again. Come on, don't you guys like a bit of a challenge? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amerikajin Posted February 15, 2004 Author Share Posted February 15, 2004 I think you're right. I think I blew it the first time by asking her too early, and then followed it up by being predictable by asking her out the next week. Oh well...at least I haven't asked her out again. Link to post Share on other sites
BlockHead Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 wisewoman Make sure you ask her out by Tuesday/Wed for a Saturday date... "THE RULES!"How many women take that book seriously? Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Enough of them to make it a best seller, I guess. Having never even been interested enough to even want to read it, it's safe to say I'm not one of them Link to post Share on other sites
Author amerikajin Posted February 16, 2004 Author Share Posted February 16, 2004 I think there's something to the rules, actually. People send subliminal messages about themselves and what's inside their head all the time. Sometimes, people send the wrong messages, but nevertheless, that's what the other person reads. For example, I'm a guy. If I ask a girl out on short notice and she accepts, I'm subconsciously thinking "Easy date". That doesn't mean I think she's some kind of slut or something, but deep down inside, yeah, I guess I do tend to take someone like that for granted. As far as this girl's concerned, I didn't really take her for granted. It's just that I work in a strange environment. We stay open 24-hours a day, and we have so many people in our office working so many different types of shifts. It's not a call center, but it may as well be. I just thought that I might happen to catch her at the right time, so I figured I'd give her a shot and ask her. Oh well...I've gotten over it. I was just wondering aloud if I'd goofed somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
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