Is it fate?

[VHFan]

Hi, everyone. This is my first post. I've been looking for a site like this that I can get some input on a situation. I'll try to keep this as to the point as possible.

 

A couple of years ago, I met my eventual girlfriend online; she lives about 900 miles from me (both of us are in the US). We got along great; she's actually my first girlfriend and I was very glad to have her. We were very much in love.

 

After about two years, we decided to call it quits. Neither of us were willing to budge at the time (both us had jobs we didn't want to leave), and the split was amicable. In the time following, we remained good friends and chatted pretty often. Both of us tried to meet other people, but it has not worked out. The break up was very hard for me. Over time I wanted to rid myself of her. I was looking for a sign or wanting a reason for me to tell her to go away for good. But, that never came.

 

At the beginning of this year, we went 3 months without talking. That's the longest amount of time in the past four years we haven't talked. On a whim, she reactivated her facebook account. I took notice, and tried so hard not to respond to anything she wrote. But I caved and simply made small talk, not expecting much. This must have pleased her because for the next 48 hours, we nearly talked on the phone, text and skype. Sleep was the only thing that stopped us.

 

I've been unemployed for almost a whole year total (not straight), and was going through a rough time finding employment. She was still working at her old job. While talking on the phone, she told me that it was not working out for me and that maybe I should move to where she is. Said she would share an apartment and help get me back on my feet. When I asked what she wanted from me, she realized how much she misses the comfort zone she had with me, can't stand other people, misses my demeanor. However, she is not interested in a relationship at this moment (although I think she would reconsider once I moved there). It was also not in my plans to get her in a relationship once moving there.

 

But for the last couple of weeks, she's been on the silent side. We still talk, but not at length like before. Our convos usually don't last for hours like mentioned earlier. I ask if everything's ok and she says yes, but answers vaguely. I'm not going nuts over it, but it is weird to have that constant broken. She also has not mentioned someone else or hasn't reconsidered me moving there. I know she has her defense way up just in case this doesn't work out. However, I'm in the mindset to make it work whatever it takes.

Edited June 21, 2010 by VHFan
addition

[tippie]

Hi, everyone. This is my first post. I've been looking for a site like this that I can get some input on a situation. I'll try to keep this as to the point as possible.

 

A couple of years ago, I met my eventual girlfriend online; she lives about 900 miles from me (both of us are in the US). We got along great; she's actually my first girlfriend and I was very glad to have her. We were very much in love.

 

After about two years, we decided to call it quits. Neither of us were willing to budge at the time (both us had jobs we didn't want to leave), and the split was amicable. In the time following, we remained good friends and chatted pretty often. Both of us tried to meet other people, but it has not worked out. The break up was very hard for me. Over time I wanted to rid myself of her. I was looking for a sign or wanting a reason for me to tell her to go away for good. But, that never came.

 

At the beginning of this year, we went 3 months without talking. That's the longest amount of time in the past four years we haven't talked. On a whim, she reactivated her facebook account. I took notice, and tried so hard not to respond to anything she wrote. But I caved and simply made small talk, not expecting much. This must have pleased her because for the next 48 hours, we nearly talked on the phone, text and skype. Sleep was the only thing that stopped us.

 

I've been unemployed for almost a whole year total (not straight), and was going through a rough time finding employment. She was still working at her old job. While talking on the phone, she told me that it was not working out for me and that maybe I should move to where she is. Said she would share an apartment and help get me back on my feet. When I asked what she wanted from me, she realized how much she misses the comfort zone she had with me, can't stand other people, misses my demeanor. However, she is not interested in a relationship at this moment (although I think she would reconsider once I moved there). It was also not in my plans to get her in a relationship once moving there.

 

But for the last couple of weeks, she's been on the silent side. We still talk, but not at length like before. Our convos usually don't last for hours like mentioned earlier. I ask if everything's ok and she says yes, but answers vaguely. I'm not going nuts over it, but it is weird to have that constant broken. She also has not mentioned someone else or hasn't reconsidered me moving there. I know she has her defense way up just in case this doesn't work out. However, I'm in the mindset to make it work whatever it takes.

 

This sounds insanely tricky. Best advice I could give is you never want to move with someone especially out of your state if you dont have your own money etc. (Of course unless you were married)

Because if yall were to have a fallen out things good could really ugly. && it could be fate BUT if she isnt looking into being in a relationship it sounds like she is trying to help you out more on a friend level.

Think about it (you arent dating or married) so you move in with someone with no family or close friends around? It could be real dangerous.

 

Hope this helps somewhat...

[VHFan]

I have taken into account what you've mentioned. I keep in contact with her mom every now and then, and she seems rather excited that I'm considering making such a move. She lives near most of her family, and they all seem like good people.

 

One of the things we've been good about is being honest to each other. I fully expect her to tell me if things in her life change or she thinks it's not a good idea for me to move there anymore. I won't be moving anywhere until sometime late December (as I need to save money and still in an apartment lease). Things can happen between now and then.

 

When saying she doesn't want a relationship, It seems like mostly a defense mechanism on her part. As before said, I really think if she didn't want anything from me, she wouldn't have invited me to come live with her. I think she still wants me, but at the same time being defensive just in case things change and I cannot move there.

[StarrySkyBlue]

Yes, I agree it's kinda tricky. She wants to help you and 'see if things work out', but if you move in with her, you both would be 'committing' to something already. If it doesn't work out later it could get ugly.

 

The best thing to do, IMO, is to be independent again as soon as possible. Try to get employed before going, or just take any job available as soon as you move there. Once you're there, try to get your own place immediately. But always, always be financially independent. I believe the whole prospect of you actually moving there is scaring her also, because she feels to a certain degree responsible for your decision to move. Just make sure you won't have to depend on her for anything except for a little bit of emotional support and friendship.

[VHFan]

Starry, you bring up a good point and it's something I've already been looking into.

 

I've already made some contacts in the area. In the past I have worked for some staffing agencies who also have offices in her area. Also have told her I would get my own place, but she insists that it won't be necessary. I do believe in being independent and would never maker her pay my bills. If she wants to help, can't say no to that. I wasn't brought up to mooch off anyone.

 

In a nutshell, I have my bases covered; just need to get the money saved to make the move (and hoping for no second thoughts or changes that bar me from moving). I'm not a permanent employee at my job (contract work), so it won't be a hassle to leave as the job is scheduled to end by end of year. Same with my apartment lease. Kinda funny how things seem to fall into place.

 

The only thing that bothers me is her silence the past couple of weeks. I'm not harassing her with endless texts, phone calls and the like, but when I try to make small talk, she vaguely responds or not at all. She hasn't mentioned anything wrong, and I don't want to press on her about it. Any ideas how I should handle this, or just kinda leave her alone for now until she decides to start talking again? I know she misses me because of how she responded with our first talk since the three month layoff. She also apologized for not responding as much the past couple of weeks.

[StarrySkyBlue]

The only thing that bothers me is her silence the past couple of weeks. I'm not harassing her with endless texts, phone calls and the like, but when I try to make small talk, she vaguely responds or not at all. She hasn't mentioned anything wrong, and I don't want to press on her about it. Any ideas how I should handle this, or just kinda leave her alone for now until she decides to start talking again? I know she misses me because of how she responded with our first talk since the three month layoff. She also apologized for not responding as much the past couple of weeks.

 

It could be that she is freaking out over the whole "It's really happening!" thing. However, I think you need to go with your gut feeling about this. Did she really want you to move there or was she just being nice 'for old time's sake'? If she was just being nice and you took her invitation seriously, she could be feeling like she had gotten herself into something she didn't plan for. Perhaps you could make it very clear to her that there will be absolutely no pressure on her to try to work out a relationship with you even if you move?

[VHFan]

It could be that she is freaking out over the whole "It's really happening!" thing. However, I think you need to go with your gut feeling about this. Did she really want you to move there or was she just being nice 'for old time's sake'? If she was just being nice and you took her invitation seriously, she could be feeling like she had gotten herself into something she didn't plan for. Perhaps you could make it very clear to her that there will be absolutely no pressure on her to try to work out a relationship with you even if you move?

 

To be honest, my gut feeling is to go to her. It's not a feeling that I've simply settled on, but one that feels like I need to be there, if that makes sense. In the past, she was pretty indecisive about moving to me in the first place. We settled on a time for her to move, then she would retract it. Decide to move, retract. She was scared, and I understood that. I had just moved to a different city myself (same state), but was in no mood to move again so soon, so that counted me out.

 

With things going for me as they have been recently, I feel it's time to make the move and be serious about it. That's why I've been making contacts, saving every penny, talking to her about things, etc. So far, she's never said it's not a good idea, there's been a change of plans or the like. She's been honest with me and given me some input on moving, and I feel she would tell me otherwise if she wasn't comfortable with it.

 

When I asked what she wanted from me from making the initial invitation, she said she missed the comfort zone with me. She said some other positive things, and that's what turned on mindset I need to cut the crap and be with her. As for the silence, maybe it's just me? She doesn't mind me texting, but she doesn't respond much. I don't flood her with texts, emails, missed calls, either. Maybe she just doesn't feel like talking much, or is kind of freaked out. But again, that's where I expect her to be honest. She knows it's a big move and it wouldn't make sense (at least to me) to move that far just to "be friends". I think she would feel the same and just has her defenses up until I get there. I have also said there would be no pressure to try and work something out. I think things would take their course over time.

 

I'd also like to thank you and Tippie for responding.

Edited June 26, 2010 by VHFan

[tornandmarried]

i say go....i think the silent stuff is just getting caught up in reality where she lives....but u never know whats really there till u see each other again