Just got dealt a terrible blow....twice

[hurt and devastated]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, 8 months, and 7 days as of today. I have a 10 year old stepson and a 22 month old daughter. I have not been the best husband (never cheated) in the sense that I didn't help out with daily life like I should have (cleaning, dishes, etc...) which made her feel unwanted and unloved. She told me more than once in the past that she was unhappy with things, and I tried to work on being "there" more for her. Unfortunately, this would gradually slack off as things would settle down.

 

This past March, she told me that because of the way things had gotten she was thinking about us separating. Of course this was a major wake up call, and I started doing the things I should have been doing all along. I feel so stupid for not just doing them in the first place, but I was happy and ignorant. Since that time, she told me that she had pulled away from me and our marriage, and didn't know if she could get those feelings back. She also wanted to give it time (end of summer) to see if things with her were different before deciding to completely split up, even though she had already checked out emotionally.

 

This past Thursday (6-17) she fell asleep in our bed after spending most of the evening on her Iphone. I went to move her phone onto the nightstand, and saw e-mails from a guy talking about sexual things. I read back further and found that she had been seeing this person for over 2 months, and times where she was "staying over" at her friends', she was there with him. After spending a sleepless night trying to get my wits together, I confronted her with it after she woke up. She was naturally furious at me for getting into her phone, but admitted she had been cheating on me, and wasn't really sure she wanted to do anything as far as our relationship was concerned. She then went to work, and came home later to talk about things and then told me she decided she wanted a separation. I moved enough things out to live for a while, and moved in with my mom.

 

I hurt so bad! I know what I did pushed her away, and I did everything I could to show her that the changes I made were genuine and permanent. I hate myself for letting things get to this point, and all I wish for is a chance to do things over. Despite what she did to me, I still love her and would give anything for a phone call from her asking me to come back and let's try to work things out. Being without my kids is tearing my heart out. I bathed my daughter every night and put her to bed, and not being able to do that is killing me inside. I love my stepson like my own son, and to see him break down when my wife and I explained why I was leaving tore my heart out too.

 

I'm sorry for such a long post, but where do I go from here? The pain of going to bed alone and not seeing my family is more than I can bear. I can't sleep, I can't even function right now. I know this is mostly my fault, but I hope I can get some advice on what to do. I would greatly appreciate any help anyone here can give me. Thanks....

[What_Next]

First I feel terrible for you. OK, that's out of the way.

 

Now you did the right thing by getting out. Now the idea of NC (No Contact) won't work since there are children involved. Keep ALL contact business like; just deal with the children.

 

Next, make a fundamental decision for yourself, do you even WANT to reconcile. Don't make it right away though.

 

Next, look inward and determine what about yourself you'd like to change, and genuinely change. Get on it. Exercise, eat right, you'll learn to sleep. If you are in a financial position go to IC. Pretend she has dropped off the face of the earth except for your children.

 

It will be absolutely terrible to go through this, see a Dr. and get anti-depressants if need be.

 

She is in the affair fog right now and having you bark at the moon, or go begging will make things MUCH worse.

 

Read my thread for an example of how things can go. It hasn't been easy, but we are making forward progress. There was no PA, but there had been an EA.

 

Get to work on YOU! Also don't run to your friends whining, or your family whining but tell them what is going on and look to them for moral support.

 

Lastly, talk to your employer, let them know what is going on (it is up to you to determine how much to "tell"). Your job performance WILL suffer. If you have a progressive employer they will understand.

 

Good luck, keep us up to date on your progress. LS is a fantastic resource and a great community.

[Chrome Barracuda]

MOVE BACK TO YOUR HOUSE NOW AND SHE LEAVES!!!

 

wHY ARE YOU SUFFERING FOR HER AFFAIR!

 

dO NOT LET GUILT FUEL YOUR SORROW, SHE'S THE ONE WHO COULD END THE AFFAIR! You move back in, you stand fast, you dig and expose and basically ultimatium. If she's in she's in, if she's gone, stay gone.

 

Bottom line.

 

Also you leaving could have you in a bad light!

[hurt and devastated]

Thanks for the quick replies. I have talked to her dad and stepmom just to let them know what's going on; not to cry to them but to let them know what's going on. They happen to be our neighbors, since they bought a place on 2 1/2 acres. We lived in the main house and they live in a guest house there since they are getting old enough to the point where they can't take care of a large place on their own. That's why I was the one moving out. We talked for quite a while yesterday and she told me she broke things off with the other guy since she needed to work on herself and focus on the kids too. I don't know whether or not to believe that or not, but I know she has issues going back to when she was young and her mom ran off with another man and basically abandoned her and her dad.

 

Even though she cheated on me, I still love her very much. She told me part of her wanted to just tell me to come back and we'll work on it, but she knows it's more of a comfort thing and we would be back in the same boat within a few months. I already know there are more than a few things I need to and would like to change about myself. Not just looking towards a possible reconciliation, but I realise I have to make myself better for the future. Thank you for the heartfelt advice from both of you. I'm hurting beyond belief right now but life has to go on.

[TroyNJ]

I'm sorry I feel your pain and I know what ur going through. I'm in a similiar situation and to make matters worse I'm 800 miles from my home working. Talk about helpless!

[Butterflair]

I don't see that you did anything wrong. Helping out with daily chores do not make a marriage end. This is totally about her affair. She checked out emotionally with you because she is seeing the OM.

 

First, don't believe she has cut off the OM that quickly. It will take time to see if that is true. People who cheat also lie about it. My stbxh is living with his girlfriend but calls her a housemate.

 

She does need time to think about what she's done and herself and she also needs time to miss you. You need to back off the contact for awhile. This is the time to man up, be strong around her and take no crap but cry in private. The less you say the better, once the guilt starts eating her up and she knows what she's losing, she might come around and truly be sorry.

 

My other advice is that if she does come back and you try again, be sure you talk everything out and get some MC too. I didn't do that the first time my husband cheated and I think I never got over the betrayal and pain. We just moved on and lived life and now he had another affair and the marriage (32 yrs) is over. I just don't want to do it anymore.

 

You can love her and give her some tough love. I think you should consider moving back in but sleeping elsewhere. It's not right to be away from your kids. If you don't move back in then go see them every day, you should still be able to bath your daughter and tuck her in at night before going to your other place.

 

I feel for you, it really sucks right now but one day at a time and make the best decisions you can each day. Just DO NOT blame yourself and beat yourself up. You didn't start this, she did.

[TheLoneSock]

Get a lawyer and beat her to the divorce process. There are so many things wrong with this picture it incites vomiting. She had been divorced once before marrying you, now she wants a divorce with you too, after she's been cheating on you? What a joke. Get an attorney and burn her as hard as you can - custody, property, keeping your money, the whole deal. This is a cut and dry victory in the courts, take it and run before you lose the opportunity.

 

She is not worth anything else. And stop blaming yourself so hard. You're human, you make mistakes - but she is the violator here, not you.

 

Edit: Forget marriage counseling, forget no contact. Forget anything that you think you need to do to repair this or bring her back to you, it is not worth repairing. Not worth the money or the lost time that could be spent pursuing her in court. Step up and be a man now and you'll thank yourself later. Take care of business.

Edited June 24, 2010 by TheLoneSock

[hurt and devastated]

Troy- I really feel for you too, bud. I read about what's going on with you, and I couldn't imagine being that far away and trying to deal with a situation like this.

 

Butterflair- thank you for all the advice. Not to beat myself up

more, but I was also not there for her emotionally as well. I'm not very open with my emotions, and due to her past she has a great need to feel loved and needed. It's not a question if I love her; just a lack of me showing it. I worried a lot throughout her pregnancy about being a father for the first time. Since I didn't express it to her, she took it as I didn't want to have a baby. I was excited of course, and I just should have shared my feelings with her. As much as it's killing me right now to be without my kids, I don't think I could be there 24/7 right now. There is too much hurt that could escalate into something worse, and they don't need to bear witness to that. I'm going over there a couple nights a week to be with them, and I'm going to have my daughter most of the weekend. I'm really hoping after having a few months to work on her problems and get her head clear she will want me back, even though I know I have to be realistic to the fact it probably isn't going to work out that way.

[quankanne]

H&D – are you seeing a counsellor to help you get a handle on what you're feeling and pretty much getting the tools needed to help you survive this crisis? That is probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now – because whether or not the marriage survives her infidelity you're going to need to understand certain things about yourself in order to carry on.

 

from what you've shared about her having a runaway mom, well ... my guess is that it's not only her nightmare of old, but possibly a way to justify her own poor behavior. Let's just say that someone who is unhappy, but whose heart is still in the relationship, isn't gonna look to screwing around as a viable answer. Which is to say, her actions are about what *she* wants, not what y'alls relationship needs.

 

you love her, that goes without saying, as does the fact that when you love someone so deeply you aren't able to just shut off that supply of love ... again, personal counseling will help you wade through this mess of feelings and give you a game plan you can work with.

 

a personal observation? Yes, a person wants his/her spouse to appreciate the thankless work they do (keeping the house up, making sure there are clean clothes to wear and food in the fridge, etc), and appreciate when their spouse helps ease the burden by doing some of the work without being asked or reminded or nagged ... however, that person also realizes that there are trade-offs that are equally beneficial. As in, "He doesn't help with laundry, not even making sure his stuff is all in the hamper/laundry basket, but he's fantastic about making sure there's always a full tank of gas in my car and taking care of stuff like oil changes, cleaning the inside, taking care of inspections, etc."

 

so while you might feel guilty about not doing enough, also remember the stuff you *do* take care of that made things run more smoothly because she had one less thing to worry about.

 

hugs,

quank

[hurt and devastated]

I am going to find a counselor because I know if there is any chance of a reconciliation in our future, I'm gonna have to get past what she's done to me.

I'm going to have to face what I did on my part to bring us to this point and work on being a better person.

I also feel like she is using her past as an excuse even though I know it's a real problem for her. She had already checked out emotionally from me before the cheating started; it just made it easier I'm sure.

 

 

- thanks for the hug quank, I needed that!

[quankanne]

don't go to a counselor with the mindset that you need to "fix" yourself in order to save your marriage, otherwise you'll be sorely disappointed if things don't turn out as you'd hope. Instead, think of it as a learning experience, where you get the tools you need to successfully *be* in a relationship with someone.

 

you need to improve because it's something you understand is beneficial to your life, not because you're trying to make what amounts to an unhealthy relationship work. She's also got to want this to work in order for it to actually work, you know?

 

hugs? oh, anytime, kiddo ... I want to be the aunt who doles out homemade treats and big hugs around here!

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

Please stop berating yourself for your wifes terrible behaviour, there is no justification for an affair, if she was unhappy she could have suggested MC or even left before cheating on you! Aside from that, I cannot see you not doing the housework as a reason for her detachment, is she kidding? I spent 18 years with my ex, ten living with him and in all that time he never once cleaned the toliet, ironed, did the laundry, nothing, nada! Not even when I came out of hospital following a stomach operation! He also did not take care of the car or garden, I cleaned the car, inside and out, I even clenaed the mans shoes! Did I leave him? NO, he left me, jilted me actually, commitment phobe.

 

My point, she is in for a shock if this is genuniely why she was unhappy, and also what about the things you did do? Like Quackanne said. You took on another mans child as your own! Not being sweeping with this statement, but not every man would do that, she had a lot to be grateful for I am sure, no one is perfect and if her solution is to look outside the marriage for love and to feel needed then that is her failing, not yours.

[hurt and devastated]

I kind of worded what I said about a counselor wrong. I know there are things about me that I need to work on, regardless of how my marriage works out. I also know that even though I shouldn't be so hard on myself, it does take two of us, and I played my part in making things happen. One question: should I go see an actual marriage counselor, or a psychologist type of counselor? I would think a MC would be the right road to take, since I do want to save my marriage, but I don't know what good seeing a MC would do for myself if she isn't going to participate.

Edited June 25, 2010 by hurt and devastated
made it sound more coherent

[habs53]

I kind of worded what I said about a counselor wrong. I know there are things about me that I need to work on, regardless of how my marriage works out. I also know that even though I shouldn't be so hard on myself, it does take two of us, and I played my part in making things happen. One question: should I go see an actual marriage counselor, or a psychologist type of counselor? I would think a MC would be the right road to take, since I do want to save my marriage, but I don't know what good seeing a MC would do for myself if she isn't going to participate.

 

Well from experience, they will not give you advice on how to save your marriage. They will give you advice on how to help yourself and listen to all your emotional problems. Sorry to hear this happen to you man. Its not fun and will get a bit better in time. Hang in there.

[hurt and devastated]

Well from experience, they will not give you advice on how to save your marriage. They will give you advice on how to help yourself and listen to all your emotional problems. Sorry to hear this happen to you man. Its not fun and will get a bit better in time. Hang in there.

 

 

I guess that's good enough for now. I can't make any kind of positive step until I get my head clear. I can't thank everyone here enough for the advice and positive words. I do feel bad that the reason everyone is here is because they are going through or already have gone through what I'm feeling now. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. (Ok, maybe HIM!)

[hurt and devastated]

So, I noticed on my wife's Facebook page (I know, I shouldn't be looking at it) that she deleted her relationship status, and now mine just says "married" instead of "married to" and then her name. I know it's just her FB, but suspicious me interprets that as her making herself look more "avaliable". I know that both the fellow I spoke to when I signed up for a support group and you guys on here said to not even look at it or try to find her on any other social networking/personals sites, but I can't believe she is already erasing me from her life. Even though I'm going to start working on changing the things I need to change in my life and try to move past this, should I hold any shred of hope for the future? Sorry, it's just been a really rough couple of days, and I'm hitting a really low spot...

[wrencn]

My husband did the same so I blocked him, you need to block her! Start doing the 180 now and don't even worry about having hope right now, there is no way to predict the future, just keep an pen heart and mind. Like with me, I'm living my life like my husband and I are going to divorce but if he comes around I am more than willing to work on the marriage, if he doesn't- well that's ok too.

[hurt and devastated]

About 2 weeks after we split up, my wife asked me if I would switch the day I came over to visit the kids during the week. Her reason was the day I came was the day her office saw patients, and she doesn't get home till late and it was too much for her. When I came by the next night, my stepson told me an old high school friend of hers (guy) was supposed to come over the night before, but had to cancel at the last minute. Of course this hurt me a great deal to hear. Here we had barely separated and she was apparently already trying to find someone else. Here is where I made a huge mistake: I asked him to tell me if him or anyone else came by.

 

Yes, I know I had absolutely no business involving a 10 year old in what was going on between my wife and me. I completely regret doing it. I let my emotions ruin my better judgement. If he hadn't have gone up to his grandparents right afterward, I would have told him to forget about it and I was wrong for asking him to do that. Naturally, he told my mother in law, who told my wife when she brought him home yesterday. After getting yelled at extensively on the phone by her last night (which I deserved) I get a text from her this morning telling me not to call anyone in her family, and now I can only speak to my stepson when she is in the room. I compromised my wife's relationship with her son, and that is inexcusable.

 

I'm not looking for any sympathy, and I don't feel sorry for myself. I made a terrible mistake in judgement based on emotion, and I posted this to serve as a warning to not do the same thing I did. Don't use your kids as a weapon! Due to your emotional state at the time it might not seem like that's what you're doing, but in reality that's exactly what you're doing.

[wrencn]

hurt and devastated, I think you are being too hard on yourself. You have the right to know if your wife is bring strange men around your child. My oldest is 10 and he is well aware of our situation. I don't ask him for information but that's because I don't have to at the moment, but if my husband was bringing women around my kids I would want to know because it isn't right. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. I think your wife is mad because she got caught doing something questionable so she's going to throw all the blame back on you. Chin up!

[GorillaTheater]

I agree. It was a mistake and you owned it, so move on and quit beating yourself up about it.

 

Have either of you filed for divorce yet?

[HopelessinDTW]

About 2 weeks after we split up, my wife asked me if I would switch the day I came over to visit the kids during the week. Her reason was the day I came was the day her office saw patients, and she doesn't get home till late and it was too much for her. When I came by the next night, my stepson told me an old high school friend of hers (guy) was supposed to come over the night before, but had to cancel at the last minute. Of course this hurt me a great deal to hear. Here we had barely separated and she was apparently already trying to find someone else. Here is where I made a huge mistake: I asked him to tell me if him or anyone else came by.

 

Yes, I know I had absolutely no business involving a 10 year old in what was going on between my wife and me. I completely regret doing it. I let my emotions ruin my better judgement. If he hadn't have gone up to his grandparents right afterward, I would have told him to forget about it and I was wrong for asking him to do that. Naturally, he told my mother in law, who told my wife when she brought him home yesterday. After getting yelled at extensively on the phone by her last night (which I deserved) I get a text from her this morning telling me not to call anyone in her family, and now I can only speak to my stepson when she is in the room. I compromised my wife's relationship with her son, and that is inexcusable.

 

I'm not looking for any sympathy, and I don't feel sorry for myself. I made a terrible mistake in judgement based on emotion, and I posted this to serve as a warning to not do the same thing I did. Don't use your kids as a weapon! Due to your emotional state at the time it might not seem like that's what you're doing, but in reality that's exactly what you're doing.

 

She should not be exposing your child to another man while your in separation or even during the divorce process. Ask any therapist. Your kid is having tough enough time with you not around all the time, now there's OM. This is exactly my situation. Don't beat yourself up, you need to know to protect your child.

[hurt and devastated]

Thanks for the pep talk wrencn. Probably half of her tirade at me last night was about how this is going to reflect on her with her family and her son, so I think you hit the nail on the head about her worrying about how this will look to people. I'm also worried about my kids' well being. We also have a daughter together that'll be 2 next month. I don't want any guys coming over with either one of them there. I don't care how well she thinks she knows someone. What if he turns out to be a pedophile? She has pictures of them plastered all over her FB.

[imagine]

You need to be honest and expose her actions to her family -including her son. You need to fight for your marriage.

 

Children need to understrand the holiness of marriage so that their morals are not corrupted. I do not think that you did anything wrong. Why did MIL speak to daughter -because she is an enabler.

 

Lastly, do you still want to be with WW. Catching her in adultery may help your case getting an alimony free divorce.

[hurt and devastated]

Thanks for the other responses too, guys. It's been just over a month since this happened, so we haven't filed yet. I don't know what she's thinking involving another guy in this before the dust has even barely settled. Thanks a lot for the support. She's been pretty civil about things up till now, but I'm afraid it's gonna get ugly now.

[phineas]

There were all kinds of things she could of done if she wasn't happy.

She choose to have an affair & let you support her.

 

My STBXW did the same thing.

She's now living with the guy & D-papers are in the courts.

 

She could of left, she could of talked to me, she could of done any number of things. But no, she went out & slept with some random guy she met in a bar after our first big fight.

 

Then blamed me for what she did.

 

in fact, she had been cheating on me from day one with an ex-boyfriend & I found out was sending nude pictures of herself to past boyfriends in other states she was still "friends" with.

 

i'm willing to bet you have only seen the tip of the iceburg.

It sucks.

It really does but the people here are giving good advice.

 

Also, you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to move back into the marital home.

 

REALLY.

any lawyer worth his degree will tell you that.