Just got dealt a terrible blow....twice

[hurt and devastated]

You need to be honest and expose her actions to her family -including her son. You need to fight for your marriage.

 

Children need to understrand the holiness of marriage so that their morals are not corrupted. I do not think that you did anything wrong. Why did MIL speak to daughter -because she is an enabler.

 

Lastly, do you still want to be with WW. Catching her in adultery may help your case getting an alimony free divorce.

 

 

I really do want my wife back. There are a lot of issues to work on, but we could have a good and happy life together. I think she is completely done. I believe in her mind this was the final thing. I will fight for my marriage until the very end. I also agree that people do need to see what's going on; that there are two sides to this story.

[HopelessinDTW]

I really do want my wife back. There are a lot of issues to work on, but we could have a good and happy life together. I think she is completely done. I believe in her mind this was the final thing. I will fight for my marriage until the very end. I also agree that people do need to see what's going on; that there are two sides to this story.

H&D: You just said "I think she is completely done"...so what makes you think things are going to get back to normal? What you need to fight for is your well-being and the kids. SHE has to be the one who makes the marriage work, not you. SHE's the one taking a leap out of the marriage. I feel what you're saying because this is exactly how I felt initially when I separated, but I realized in time there was nothing I could do. It completely up to her to come to her senses and build back trust. You need to stop beating yourself up trying to salvage something you have no real control over. It's tough to admit this to yourself, but it's the truth.

[Gunny376]

Granted, I'm a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant ~ ( I know all of you get tired of hearing that)

 

I also just got fired from my job. No 'biggie-da" They need me more than I need them.

 

Apparently there's a difference betwen a .09 and a .009 (typo on the certification form)

 

I got medical and dental with premimums of around lesss than $50 a month with $12 co-pays.

 

The seven year old Mazda Tribuet only has 28K on her and is in good shape. And paid for.

 

The heat index is 105 ~ I've got one box fan in the front sucking out the heat, and another in the back doing the same ~ and another in front of my recliner. I've got my light bill down to around $40 a month.

 

I can live off Ramen Soup, Bennies and Wennies, etc.

 

My point?

 

You need to get yourself where you can do the same!

[wrencn]

H&D: You just said "I think she is completely done"...so what makes you think things are going to get back to normal? What you need to fight for is your well-being and the kids. SHE has to be the one who makes the marriage work, not you. SHE's the one taking a leap out of the marriage. I feel what you're saying because this is exactly how I felt initially when I separated, but I realized in time there was nothing I could do. It completely up to her to come to her senses and build back trust. You need to stop beating yourself up trying to salvage something you have no real control over. It's tough to admit this to yourself, but it's the truth.

 

I agree with hopeless. H&D I felt just like you did up until this past Monday. My husband walked out and my kids and me- just like your wife walked out on you. We've can love them but still love ourselves more. We can still want to work on our marriage but keep moving forward with our lives. I know it is hard, because today has been a rough day and I'm sad and embarrassed and mourning the loss of my family but I can't look back or I'm afraid I'll become paralyzed with grief.

[hurt and devastated]

Well I'm definitely not going back. I got another text from her saying I can pick up my daughter on Fridays for the weekend and bring her back and that's it. No more visiting during the week, I can't see my stepson at all. She's gonna have my things boxed up and outside for me to pick up, and she wants the house keys back. I don't know if I just gave her the reason she was looking for to finally push me all the way out, but it's definitely over now. My question is, what now? Do I take the initiative and file?

[GorillaTheater]

My question is, what now? Do I take the initiative and file?

 

Yes. Time to shake up the status quo. Time to inject a little reality into the situation. Right now your wife's in the driver's seat. Great for her, bad for you. Take back the control over the situation.

[HopelessinDTW]

Well I'm definitely not going back. I got another text from her saying I can pick up my daughter on Fridays for the weekend and bring her back and that's it. No more visiting during the week, I can't see my stepson at all. She's gonna have my things boxed up and outside for me to pick up, and she wants the house keys back. I don't know if I just gave her the reason she was looking for to finally push me all the way out, but it's definitely over now. My question is, what now? Do I take the initiative and file?

Whoa...what gives her the right to tell you when and when not to see the kids. Get a lawyer right away, FILE...what else do want to happen for you to be convinced!!! this is all BS!! You're letting her control you. It's time for war (I'm being serious)...you need to start putting on an offense!

[HopelessinDTW]

Oh...start documenting her affair. Print off facebook pages if possible, get the OM information, hire a PI if you have to. Get into her e-mails if you can...information is KING. You're going to need anything and everything you can get your hands on to prove what she's doing. You're probably going to tell me that "That's not your style"...but let me tell you...getting hosed by your wife with lies and deceit should show you what she's capable of doing to you. You need to fight back.

[hurt and devastated]

Oh, believe me I'm not going to take this lying down. I know where the OM lives, but there is no way I can get to her email without someone hacking it. She has several other email accounts that I made the mistake of not writing down when I found them. Now that it's truly over, I guess the energy I was putting in to try and save my marriage is going to be used to fght for myself and my kids. This is all such a waste. For months now I've tried to do whatever I could to save things, and now it's all out the window.

[tank]

Ok, hold on a min. Your still focusing on the marriage. Focus on you and your kids. I'm not sure what the laws are where you live, but where i live, if no custody agreement or court order is in place then both parents have the right to the child and if they fight about it the court will decide. Dont be so hasty to file for divorce, file for your custodial rights. Just an FYI i have 2 children with my STBXW and I also have 2 step children. I have custodial rights of all 4 of them. If i didnt i would still have parental rights to see my step children just like she would have the right to get child support from me for all 4 of them. Leaving the home was the biggest mistake you have made yet. That will go against you for custodial rights as its always better to keep the children in the same home etc. makes it easier on them. You do have to ask yourself if you are truley done with your marriage. If the answer is yes then come out guns blazing and get into a battle with her. If you cant answer that question just yet then try a different approach, try apologizing to your step son first and formost for putting him in that situation. Then apologize to everyone else effected by that error in judgement. If your wife has any love left for you, she will appreciate this gesture. Your next move is to talk to her about visitation. She might be interested in developing a parenting plan where you could have as much visitation as required to keep you and the children connected. You need to keep bonding with your daughter. Also if she is willing, this would allow her time to herself outside the home. I'm sorry to say but you cant control what she does and she is going to do wether you want her to or not. But let her know your children are foremost in your mind. That you son is extremely important to you and you haveto have the bonding time with him and your daughter. Express that this separation is a time for both of you to figure out your lives and that if you can agree on the issue of the children you can save thousands of dollars in legal fees. Just dont argue with her, keep it all about your desire to see your children and be a hugh part of their life. She might just like the idea of some freedom. Also check your local laws re child support, it is good to include this in the documentation. You can google separation agreement and i am sure you will find one like i did. It spells everything out, she committed adultry so she stand a good chance of losing a lot in the divorce should it go that direction. Document everything, and i mean everything. You wont have to ask your son any questions, he will tell you naturally, just remember and document what he says, dont grill him no matter how much you want to. He is feeling betrayed by his mom, he knows you didnt do this, and he wants his family back together. Kids are naturally talkative and you will learn what you need to. In the agreement also bring up the topic of having OM and OW in the picture with the children. I missed this one, but try to agree that this should be kept away from the kids for at least 1 yr or until the children have adjusted to the new family dynamic. Sorry for the long post. Hope it is helpful

[hurt and devastated]

Tank, what you said makes a lot of sense and I appreciate the sincere reply. She is actually the one who said she is now going to file soon. I think what she is saying right now is based on anger, and her feelings might change after this cools off. I don't know if she is even interested in our marriage anymore. Deep down, I still love my wife and would love to try again in the future, but I'm going to go with it's over. Right now that's the only way I'm going to move forward from this. I'm going to speak to a lawyer and weigh my options, but I don't want her to completely screw me over any more than she already has.

[phineas]

she hasn't screwed you over.

you screwed yourself over by leaving the marital home.

[hurt and devastated]

she hasn't screwed you over.

you screwed yourself over by leaving the marital home.

 

It was not an easy decision to make. Knowing myself, had I not left then I would have left by now. Despite being with the kids more, knowing she didn't want to work on our marriage, and her carrying on with the affair would have made it to where I couldn't stand to be there.

[HopelessinDTW]

It was not an easy decision to make. Knowing myself, had I not left then I would have left by now. Despite being with the kids more, knowing she didn't want to work on our marriage, and her carrying on with the affair would have made it to where I couldn't stand to be there.

H&D: I made the same mistake. I'm not sure what you can do to get back in, seeing that your wife's family own the property?? Now you have to play offense though. Try to understand that the women you are delaing with is not the person you married...this is tough to accept, but you need to! This is a part of detaching yourself from her emotionally. It seems as tough you are still in denial, and you have some sort of hope she's going to get back with you. This thought will hurt you to no end, you need to start thinking about yourself...be selfish. It's up to her to make things right, not you!! No more conversations with her, unless it's the kids, no emotion around her, be confident, head up high. Track everything she's doing with the kids, everytime she slips up...jump on it...let your lawyer know! This is WAR...believe me...I didn;t at first, but everything that I never thought my stbx would not do....she did.

[hurt and devastated]

DTW: I do admit there was some hope for us getting back together. However, what she did yesterday killed almost all of it. I see now I'm just at the tip of the iceberg, and there is a lot more I'm gonna have to go through before this is done. My main worry now is my daughter and me. I'm done talking to my wife about anything not related to my daughter. I feel terrible for what she's going to put my stepson through, but that's her choice. She can deal with the fallout from that. It's going to be painful no matter what, but I'm not going to be her doormat because I still love the wife I used to know.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi hurt. everyone is gonna think i am nuts..but i say life is short and if you love her fight for her and then if she doesnt come around..you can at least say you tried everything you could. we all give up easily because of pain or pride or rational sometimes. But try this first maybe...

 

read..how to get your lover back by blase harris. if you guys believe in God..maybe talk about praying together for the situation and the kids. pray for guidance.

 

anger and pain sometimes beat down our objective. this isnt an easy thing to do. but like i said..if it doesnt work...you know you did all you could. this diesnt mean you dont address your feelings. it means time out. save the love and when shes more willing talk about you then..but for now to give love and try to get better communication. i cant explain it you have to read the book.

[hurt and devastated]

hi hurt. everyone is gonna think i am nuts..but i say life is short and if you love her fight for her and then if she doesnt come around..you can at least say you tried everything you could. we all give up easily because of pain or pride or rational sometimes. But try this first maybe...

 

read..how to get your lover back by blase harris. if you guys believe in God..maybe talk about praying together for the situation and the kids. pray for guidance.

 

anger and pain sometimes beat down our objective. this isnt an easy thing to do. but like i said..if it doesnt work...you know you did all you could. this diesnt mean you dont address your feelings. it means time out. save the love and when shes more willing talk about you then..but for now to give love and try to get better communication. i cant explain it you have to read the book.

 

 

I found that book today and will start reading it. It's not a question of whether I still love her or want to fight for her. I wouldn't have agonized for months before we split up, trying to make things work, and I certainly wouldn't be the emotional wreck I am now.The problem is the only one fighting is me. Her actions this last week make me feel like the golden opportunity presented itself for her to end things for good. Everyone I talked to, either here or in person, told me it wasn't the best idea to use my stepson to get info on what's going on at home, but I have a right to know what's going on. I got a text from a friend who is kind of a "player" with a link to an ad on AFF and a message saying, "isn't that what your bathroom looks like?" Sure enough, there was a torso shot of her, our unmistakeable jacuzzi tub in the background. I'm going to document it and show it to the lawyer I'm speaking to next week. The S.S. My Marriage is settling deeper in the water, getting ready for the final plunge it would seem.

Edited July 25, 2010 by hurt and devastated
.

[karnak]

I got a text from a friend who is kind of a "player" with a link to an ad on AFF and a message saying, "isn't that what your bathroom looks like?" Sure enough, there was a torso shot of her, our unmistakeable jacuzzi tub in the background. I'm going to document it and show it to the lawyer I'm speaking to next week.

 

She put an ad on "Adult Friend Finder"??

 

Gee, man... that's horrible.

 

Hang in there. You gotta fight for your kid now. I don't think a woman who does stuff like that is a proper mother figure.

[hurt and devastated]

It's been up since earlier this month. It proves that all the talk about "not knowing what she wants", and "trying to work on her problems", was a bunch of crap. Funny thing is, I didn't get super upset and start crying or anything. I just feel numb to it. I wonder if that could be called progress.

 

Oh, and about the mother thing. She surprisingly is a wonderful mother, wouldn't have wanted to have children with her if she wasn't. Thankfully she treats them a whole lot better than she's treating me.

[HopelessinDTW]

It's been up since earlier this month. It proves that all the talk about "not knowing what she wants", and "trying to work on her problems", was a bunch of crap. Funny thing is, I didn't get super upset and start crying or anything. I just feel numb to it. I wonder if that could be called progress.

 

Oh, and about the mother thing. She surprisingly is a wonderful mother, wouldn't have wanted to have children with her if she wasn't. Thankfully she treats them a whole lot better than she's treating me.

H&D: All that "talk" is the same that I got from my stbx. That's their way of hiding their guilt, and hoping that you stay away while they do whatever they do. I'm glad you are keeping records of the things she's doing. Also just because she appears to be a good mother now, that doesn't mean she will change. Just be on the lookout, and take particular note of what your kids are saying to you.

[karnak]

 

Oh, and about the mother thing. She surprisingly is a wonderful mother, wouldn't have wanted to have children with her if she wasn't. Thankfully she treats them a whole lot better than she's treating me.

 

Yes, but what about when the children grow up and start to rationalize her behaviour?

 

I'm asking this because my mother was an excellent mother as well. Very child-like and used to play a lot with me, when I was younger.

 

As I started to grow I began to notice her emotional problems. And you can't relate to the rational mind of a young adult the same way you do with a child. She wasn't able to interact healthily with me any longer. She began to see me more as another troublesome adult, rather than the sweet little child she had given birth to.

 

I think you understand what I'm getting to. You have a little baby girl, now. And (according to psychological studies) women are very prone to imitate their mothers emotional attitude.

 

I'm not saying your ex is a whore or such. It's just that, in my opinion, AFF is heavy stuff.

[hurt and devastated]

Karnac, you made a very good point. If my wife doesn't straighten herself out, this could become a real problem in the future. My stepson is 10, so her behavior will come out toward him first if it's going to change. He already knows her drinking is a problem, and I hope he doesn't learn to justify that, or any of what she's doing right now. This is a whole side of her I've never seen before. I really don't know who she is anymore. If this has been lurking under the surface all this time, I married someone I really didn't know. But I think I've turned a corner as a result of the latest happenings. Because.....*holds head up*

 

I DON'T DESERVE THIS!

 

After more than a month of writhing around like a dying snake and beating myself up for everything, I can finally do that and mean it.

[karnak]

 

I DON'T DESERVE THIS!

 

After more than a month of writhing around like a dying snake and beating myself up for everything, I can finally do that and mean it.

 

Believe in yourself, bro. And all will turn OK.

 

You have a very good reason to stay in this world fight for your happiness. You have a little daughter. If ever you feel like giving-up and that you're tired of this messed-up world just remember her face.

 

Mind you: I'm not saying you can have suicidal thoughts or anything. It's just that sometimes we're so down that we feel like going into a cave and hibernating for a 1000 years.

 

Your child will be always worth fighting and living your life for.

Edited July 25, 2010 by karnak

[hurt and devastated]

Believe in yourself, bro. And all will turn OK.

 

You have a very good reason to stay in this world fight for your happiness. You have a little daughter. If ever you feel like giving-up and that you're tired of this messed-up world just remember her face.

 

Mind you: I'm not saying you can have suicidal thoughts or anything. It's just that sometimes we're so down that we feel like going into a cave and hibernating for a 1000 years.

 

Your child will be always worth fighting and living your life for.

 

 

Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I meant by saying that. I meant I don't deserve to be on the receiving end of her grief any more. I must be coming into the anger stage or something, because I'm more p*ssed off than hurt right now. I may not have paid her the kind of attention I should have, and not been the most open with my feelings, but I didn't deserve to get cheated on, and I don't deserve to be treated the way she's treating me now. I'll say my thoughts have taken me to some pretty dark places since this happened, but I won't leave my daughter without her daddy. My phone has a pic of her on the screensaver and the caption reads "Do it for her".

[karnak]

Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I meant by saying that. I meant I don't deserve to be on the receiving end of her grief any more. I must be coming into the anger stage or something, because I'm more p*ssed off than hurt right now. I may not have paid her the kind of attention I should have, and not been the most open with my feelings, but I didn't deserve to get cheated on, and I don't deserve to be treated the way she's treating me now. I'll say my thoughts have taken me to some pretty dark places since this happened, but I won't leave my daughter without her daddy. My phone has a pic of her on the screensaver and the caption reads "Do it for her".

 

That's the spirit!