Just got dealt a terrible blow....twice

[HopelessinDTW]

Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I meant by saying that. I meant I don't deserve to be on the receiving end of her grief any more. I must be coming into the anger stage or something, because I'm more p*ssed off than hurt right now. I may not have paid her the kind of attention I should have, and not been the most open with my feelings, but I didn't deserve to get cheated on, and I don't deserve to be treated the way she's treating me now. I'll say my thoughts have taken me to some pretty dark places since this happened, but I won't leave my daughter without her daddy. My phone has a pic of her on the screensaver and the caption reads "Do it for her".

H&D: I know I've said this to you before..but our stories and the emotions we have gone through are very similar. I also felt hurt, and to some degree still do...but as you have said we didn't deserve to be cheated on!! It still amazes me that my stbx didn't have the guts to tell me to my face what she wanted to do. In fact the day she told me we had to separate, it was done by e-mail. I try to think of her as being possessed. That's to say, it looks like my wife, sounds like my wife, but inside is a different person. Her thoughts and actions are being ruled by something completely different than I have ever seen. You just need to stay strong and work on yourself and take care of the kids. I know we will all pull thtrough this mess...

[hurt and devastated]

Possessed is a good way to put it, DTW. That's exactly how I feel right now. Same beautiful woman, same voice that melted my heart when she said "I do", but a demon on the inside. At least we were able to discuss things face to face rather than getting it e-mailed to me. That's pretty tacky if you ask me. It's gonna be a rough road, but knowing there are people that can relate here makes it a little easier.

[HopelessinDTW]

Possessed is a good way to put it, DTW. That's exactly how I feel right now. Same beautiful woman, same voice that melted my heart when she said "I do", but a demon on the inside. At least we were able to discuss things face to face rather than getting it e-mailed to me. That's pretty tacky if you ask me. It's gonna be a rough road, but knowing there are people that can relate here makes it a little easier.

Yes, it is tacky. In fact to this day she cannot face me and have any kind of conversation. Almost all communication since mid-May has been via e-mail or lawyers. I guess when you know you betrayed and lied to someone, it's tough to face them. That's something she has to live with...Well H&D, that's what we are all here for. To share our stories, and our experiances to help each other. Before I joined here I was going to join a divorced men support group. But I feel this is as effective, if not more. This process is so very tough, and I just can't imagine going through it without talking with people who can relate. The men here have had their lives torn appart to some degree or another. We need to help each other to mend our lives, and get back to living as we should. Our wives might have hurt us in the short term, but I really believe things like this happen for a reason. And I know our relationships with our wives are toxic...or were going to be toxic eventually. It's painful to look back and "dream" of the good time and the future we hoped for when we first got married. But, we need to let go of the past, and realize that our wives have changed beyond recognition. And work to create a new life with our kids that's healthy and happy...

[IfiKnewThen]

well, i really can relate to one person trying to fix things or patch things up. its very very painful and basically i loathe and dread everyday and am still in shock and i have beat myself up real bad. because THIS person was amazing to me for years. i know i really screwed up. but they love reminding me too so they can justify being a distant, mean, cold stranger now. i am getting to the anger stage too. but it waxes and wains with depression and wanting to kick myself and feeling hopeless. honestly, i havent felt real joy in over 2 months since they just drifted like a coward. i never had such a mind ........... in all my life. my head is truly spinning.

 

i had just hoped someone might be able to win someone they truly loved back. but it's so hard to get beat down with rejection, coldness, indifference...

and basically somone running away from you. it get's old and tired and demoralizing. i don't mind turning the other cheek...but when they are mentally miles away, they can't even see your cheek. basically i have become invisable.

 

and that's what sickens me about him the most.

[IfiKnewThen]

sorry i had just hoped the book would help you.

 

i know there can be some happy endings...

 

out there..somewhere

[IfiKnewThen]

good advise henna

[hurt and devastated]

ok - you are right in thinking that you are angry, some of the bad things that happened were your fault and now that even if you want to put it right, things have gone too far, as for solution to these problems tell me one thing, are you ready to overlook that your wife was having an affair behind your back??

 

if yes, then you can try to win her back, but if no, you have no chioce to agree to her wanting a seperation and later a divorce, this is something that you will not be able to avoid as cheating and adultry can destroy a relationship and a marriage, just think and see what you want yourself, yes, its painful but this is something only you can do, talk to your wife and see what she wants too as you cannot enforce or drag a relationship, it has to be a mutual decision

 

 

I did forgive her for the first affair, and told her I was willing to work past it. After finding her profile on Adult Friend Finder, it's a whole different ballgame now. I don't even know to believe anything she's said to me. It would seem like I'm now the fall back guy, for when she is done screwing around. I don't like feeling that, but she's done nothing to make me feel differently. From here on out, if there is to be any talk of us reconciling, she is going to have to initiate it. She knows m feelings about it, so it's now up to her.

[LongRecovery]

I am going to find a counselor because I know if there is any chance of a reconciliation in our future, I'm gonna have to get past what she's done to me.

I'm going to have to face what I did on my part to bring us to this point and work on being a better person.

I also feel like she is using her past as an excuse even though I know it's a real problem for her. She had already checked out emotionally from me before the cheating started; it just made it easier I'm sure.

 

 

- thanks for the hug quank, I needed that!

 

Man, I have been there. Hate to say but your chances for reconciliation are close to nil.

Get a LAWYER and be ahead of her in divorce proceedings. She will nail you big time. When a woman is done, she is done. Move on.

[LongRecovery]

Well I'm definitely not going back. I got another text from her saying I can pick up my daughter on Fridays for the weekend and bring her back and that's it. No more visiting during the week, I can't see my stepson at all. She's gonna have my things boxed up and outside for me to pick up, and she wants the house keys back. I don't know if I just gave her the reason she was looking for to finally push me all the way out, but it's definitely over now. My question is, what now? Do I take the initiative and file?

 

File!!! Don't wait.

[LongRecovery]

I did forgive her for the first affair, and told her I was willing to work past it.

 

NO WAY, just get on with your life. You have not forgiven anything. You are fooling yourself. Your marriage is finished.

[hurt and devastated]

I have spoken to an attorney, and I will file once I get some other financial matters taken care of I am filing. In the time since my last post, she's cooled down. She didn't box all my things up; I went and moved it myself, and I still have my house key. More importantly, my stepson talks to me almost daily and I've been going to his football practice 2-3 times a week I don't think she's had a change of heart or anything silly like that. I've been worrying about getting my life in order and taking care of my daughter, and that's it. The therapist I'm seeing has made a difference and really made me see what I've been doing to myself. Thankfully things have been relatively quiet the past couple of weeks. I'm not letting my guard down on this, just taking advantage of the quiet moment to gather myself up and get ready for what is on the horizon.

[Sambo]

H&R

 

Sorry to hear your story and I went through a similar situation.

 

I spent 3 years changing the things my girlfriend didn't like about me but in the end she found someone new and she told me it was too late and she needed to take care of herself.

 

Were only human and we make mistakes.

 

It's a terrible price to pay but we have no choice but to move on and grow.

 

After 30 days NC I am still in pain because my ego was so hurt about the new guy but the truth is it's her loss.

 

I loved her and would never have given up on her ever.

 

Let her live with that.

 

I can be happy in the knowledge that I tried my best.

 

 

Also

 

I just noticed your comments about "if the pain goes on your not going to make it."

 

Do your really want to fail her again ?

 

You made mistakes so what !

 

all that proves is YOUR HUMAN !!!!!!

 

If you love her and you love yourself the absolute best thing you can do for her and you is to pull your life back together and be a man again.

 

If you need a friend to talk to feel free to pm me.

Edited August 9, 2010 by Sambo

[hurt and devastated]

No worries Sambo. The line in my sig is from a song by the band Slipknot, and I'm in a much different place than when I first added that. I am doing a lot better than I was. I do everything I can not to act sad or anything when I'm around her or the kids. If I get upset, I can be upset on my own. A poster here said he takes 50% of the responsibilty for his marriage getting to the point it did when his wife cheated on him and none of the responsibility for her affair. That was one of the most profound things I've read here, and I try to stick with that. It takes 2 in a marriage, and I played my part in it failing.

[HopelessinDTW]

No worries Sambo. The line in my sig is from a song by the band Slipknot, and I'm in a much different place than when I first added that. I am doing a lot better than I was. I do everything I can not to act sad or anything when I'm around her or the kids. If I get upset, I can be upset on my own. A poster here said he takes 50% of the responsibilty for his marriage getting to the point it did when his wife cheated on him and none of the responsibility for her affair. That was one of the most profound things I've read here, and I try to stick with that. It takes 2 in a marriage, and I played my part in it failing.

Sounds like you're doing a lot better. Keep your guard up once you file, make sure you keep track of things that she is doing...especially with the kids. If you think she's manipulating them, or using them as pawns to get back you...then note it and keep a journal running. The rollercoaster ride has just begun...Everything is quiet for me until I exposed her affair, and put it in every f**cking signed paper between our lawyers as I could. Just to let her know that I will not back down. she can't even look me in the face anymore when we exchange the kids...pathetic. She has lied to me so many times in the last 3 months that I consider her to be lying to me unless I find proof that it's the truth. So just bear all this mind, stay strong, and do what your doing. We're all going to be in much better shape after we get through all this...