I want to ask him out but...

[Kamille]

LL, whatever you do, don't straddle the undefined line. If you are interested in him, you could have countered his invitations to hang out with a firm invitation to a date. (dinner, movie, etc). "No I can't make it to the 4th of July - but how about going out to dinner sometime?"

 

If you truly believe you two are just friends, then there is nothing for you to figure out.

 

So, the question is: do you or don't you want to go out with him? Make up your mind once and for all. Don't start another round of "what do his actions mean?"

[LoveLace]

LL, whatever you do, don't straddle the undefined line. If you are interested in him, you could have countered his invitations to hang out with a firm invitation to a date. (dinner, movie, etc). "No I can't make it to the 4th of July - but how about going out to dinner sometime?"

 

If you truly believe you two are just friends, then there is nothing for you to figure out.

 

So, the question is: do you or don't you want to go out with him? Make up your mind once and for all. Don't start another round of "what do his actions mean?"

 

 

I did tell him that after I get moved and settled in, etc, we should hang out sometime, and he agreed, but I'm not able to confirm a specific day right now...I'll have to get in touch with him when things are more calm for me and then, perhaps, ask about the movie/dinner, however after the conversation we had, that seems like a contradiction...oh well.

 

My cousin and I had a debate over weather or not I was actually "rejecting" him as he accused me of doing. I said how is it rejecting when we just agreed not to go out with each other? Including me for gatherings and asking me out are 2 different things in my eyes, my cousin argued they are both the same thing, and therefore I "rejected" him. He said sorry but girls are dumba$$es...lol...whatever. Anyway I'll have to play the next couple weeks by ear because I'm moving and don't have any time off work in between...thanks Kam..

[dispatch3d]

Oh no don't ask him out it'll kill your self esteem? Guys get rejected all the time and it's not like our self esteem is totally in the gutter? There's nothing wrong with being a little bit proactive.

 

That first reply with the sample message. Man a guy is NEVEEERRRR going to pickup any subtle clues from that conversation. I would have just said general things like "we should hang out more" or "I really enjoy talking to you" etc. Thinking about things **** a girl said the second one a week ago to me (she has a boyfriend I think she lives with though). At any rate, guys are VERY DENSE when it comes to this. You don't have to ask him out on a date, but if you occassionally make comments like I said overtime slowly he'll get up the courage to ask you out. And you can preserve the attitude of not having to get rejected/etc. with him.

 

Problems in friendships can arise from this when one person gets clingy/needy when persueing the other. This usually happens at some stage. And yes you could ruin/likely will ruin the friendship by doing this. So keep that in mind.

 

One reason I wouldn't want to be blunt about it is that you're going to catch him by surprise and he'll have a hard time reacting immediately to "lets go out sometime" without any clues that you were interested to begin with.

Edited July 6, 2010 by dispatch3d

[LoveLace]

My point exactly Dispatch, guys put themselves on the line and risk rejection on a constant basis and it's not a matter of all "pride" and utter "humility"...she says no and they go on with life. No reason a woman can't do the same. My self esteem is not so fragile that I am afraid of having this happen to me. I'm simply aware of all the possible answers and prepared for those possibles.

 

I have not asked out this guy though because we've rarely talked lately since I moved and got very busy, just got settled in and he congratulated me on the new place on FB; otherwise no chatting lately so at most I've just said he should feel free to come visit my new place anytime. And if he does, I'll lay on a little more flirting if it feels right to me...but it might not feel right once I'm there and realize this is a friend of mine...who knows.

[Kamille]

I feel like some cheesy ghost, always showing up to repeat the same line. I am the ghost of your experiences past:

 

Do not put yourself in an undefined situation with someone you're crushing on.

 

If you're going to date like a guy, then the same advice that applies to guys applies to you: don't be ambiguous and if you want to make a move, make a move or else you will definitely end up in the friend zone. If you don't want to be in the friendzone, don't pretend you're okay with being just friends.

 

LL, if you want to ask this guy out: go for it. If you don't, stop considering it a possibility. If you're going to flirt with him, be obvious.

 

Ghost K repeats:

 

Do not put yourself in an undefined situation with someone you're crushing on.

[LoveLace]

Like I said, I'll make a move if I really feel like I really want to when I'm with him...that might include asking him out or it could include jumping him...who knows...if I'm not feeling it, I won't do it. Till then, I don't want to ask him out on FB or call him or text him or try to force spending time with him, if the stuff happens it will happen naturally...this is not undefined at all. He's a friend, more of an acquaintance at that, and if I make a move we are more than friends, that simple. But it might not get that far because again, I'm not making a huge effort to contact him or be around him. Everytime we see each other it's because we share a circle of friends...when that happens again, which isn't all that often, I'm going to go by how I feel while I'm around him, and if I want to make a move, I will...and if I don't then obviously maybe I'm interested but not interested enough..

[dispatch3d]

So the same advice that applies to guys does not apply to you. Girls and guys are two totally different entities. Just because A works on B here does not mean B works on A. Meaning a guy giving a compliment like "You have a nice ass" to a girl will have a different effect than a girl complimenting on a guy "You have a nice ass". They are two completely different situations. I'd expect a girl to either get very offended, embarassed, or really like it (depends on if she really likes you). A guy is going to take this as an offer to have sex and probably persue you harder. It's likely too forward to use on guys but I don't know... See the last paragraph for details...

 

Telling him he should visit your new place and see what it's like is more than forward enough. If you said things like that, then that gives him reason to go there more often. You could do a couple of these kinds of things and see if he replies (I like it, it's very ambigious, forcing him to make the plans, baiting, and doesn't put your intentions out there AT ALL but if he was interested he'd snap take you up on the offer).

 

The first paragraph is another reason I'm having a hard time giving solid concrete advice on what to do. I'm a guy who seduces girls; completely different from girls who seduce guys. Hitting on guys is somewhat a self confidence thing too - if you had low self confidence you couldn't handle the rejection and thus wouldn't do it at all. Not saying the women in this thread don't hit on guys for this reason though. May just be avoiding any negative emotions.

 

you definitely need to strike a balance between being too easy for him to get, and being challenging enough he wants to work for you. If you're too easy, he'll see you as a backup option and possibly never bother using his backup option. If you play too hard to get/are too challenging then he'll just think you are out of his league/too much work and giveup.

Edited July 9, 2010 by dispatch3d

[LoveLace]

That all makes sense, dispatch...I said he can check out my new place anytime, which was just a comment on his FB, so that leaves it open for him to use it if he wants to. Aside from that, I may or may not run into him soon and if I feel the need or desire to drop more flirty hints, or even a little more forward than that, I will. Otherwise, it's nothing I'm wanting to take on full-swing, or throw myself out there like I'm about to be hit by a bus...so I'm not shy about certain things but I'm also leaving him opportunity to go with it, along the lines of what you are saying. It'll stay just that way, and if nothing develops he will always be the guy friend that I've always known and only see on a very sporadic basis...therefore the way I see it, I can't lose anything with where it stands.