Travel & Marriage

[Liz]

My husband of almost 3 years will be extended a job offer today, which likely will require at least 65% traveling time. I feel very ambiguous about this; I know it's something that would be a great career-move, and that it is something that he wants. However he insisted we move to a city where we have some extended family we see on occasion, so I have no immediate family or friends to speak of.

 

I know that nay-saying the job will come between us more than his traveling ever will, but I am so alone, and we have had our share of ups and downs, I have to wonder if this will be good for us, or if it will signify a serious deterioration in our relationship. Should I ask for a compromise, say, in 6 months if he likes the job and wants to continue in it, we move to my hometown where my family and friends all live within 10 miles of each other? He insists that he does not want to ever leave the city we live in now, as I have brought up moving before... However not as much was at stake in MY life before.

 

This is how *I* feel: Why should I be all alone 5 or 6 nights a week, while he is working in places like NYC, San Francisco, Dallas, etc... going out with the guys or HIS friends who happen to live in the area? I only live in this city because he wanted to live here; if we weren't married I would not live here at all. I have continuously avoided jobs that require traveling because I didn't get married to be alone.

 

I am totally confused, and angry, and scared, and sick to my stomach, and want to cry because I just don't know what to say tonight when the offer comes up.

 

Please talk to me, anyone.

 

--liz

[Draconis]

I didn't quote the message to which I'm replying, but I assume that anyone reading this reply has already read about the situation.

 

Any time a spouse in a marriage is for whatever reason away from home for extended periods of time, the marriage itself can grow strained and even break. Without the regular companionship (or at least presence) of a spouse, many people seem to forget exactly what it was that made them want to get married in the first place. So the fact that he will be travelling a great deal presents a threat to the marriage from the start.

 

However, I assume that you are aware of this strain and have decided (as you implied in your message) that criticizing the new job will be unproductive or even destructive. So the problems of a "travelling relationship" aside, I'll try to address the resulting picture.

 

He's obviously asking you to make a big sacrifice in forgoing his regular presence--although it can be argued that a better job will benefit you both. Seeing as how he will be travelling, it seems somewhat presumptuous to veto a move altogether.

 

I think that you idea of a compromise sounds about right in terms of not being unfair to either member in the marriage: give him some time to decide how he likes his job, and exactly what will be entailed by the job, and then he needs to make a decision as to whether he's going to stay at home, or move to someplace where you can find friends and family while he's not there.

 

I hate to fall back on tired adages, but he can't have his cake and eat it too: he can't keep you trapped at home in a city far from /your/ prefered life, and not be there with you.

 

As for actually accomplishing what thus far have seemed (at least to me) like admirable ideals--but difficult realities. The situation is naturally volatile, and I suspect that he will feel as though any challenges to his supposed plan are personal attacks or a sign that you do not respect his work--at least to a certain degree. I also suspect, based on your message, that you /do/ respect his advancement and happiness.

 

I think that the best way to preserve harmony in your marriage is to couch the need for him to make a choice in terms of a discussion and/or request, rather than an ultimatum, which tend to have only the effect of making the other party defensive and resilient to compromise.

 

However, although I believe that you should be somewhat flexible in your desires (how long you give him to make a decision, etc.), the basic fact that he needs to decide cannot really be negotiated. I think it would be grossly unfair of him to insist upon you staying in a city when he is not there--when you want to move. So although I think the best way to get the desired result is discussion and explanation, there is a certain point at which further compromise will only let a situation unfair to you stand. And you need to be true to yourself and stand up for your own needs.

 

Just remember that a marriage is a partnership, and he needs to recognize that you have some rights to your desires as well.

 

Well, that's about it...anyone else have an opinion?

 

(Draconis)