Best Friend

[festy9]

So I met this girl about a year ago at work...we clicked instantly, became best friends, like really best friends, texted, called daily, had a mutual attraction that came up but she had a boyfriend so we kept it in line until one day, we crossed the line too often(cuddled at parties, eventually slept together) which led to them breaking up and us 'talking', kissing, having sex. I moved away for college and we did the same thing, tried to make it a long distance thing. She came and visited, we talked multiple times a day, webcammed...but he came back into her life. She told me she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't be torn between the two of us. We could be friends but we couldn't have sex or kiss anymore.

 

I moved back home because the school didn't pan out, she tried to stay best friends but it was hard on me to get past the emotions and just drop them while she was with him again. She told me she wanted it to be alright again and she wanted it to be the way it had been so bad and God knows she tried. We fought a lot, pretty much when we talked it was a fight but she kept trying for about 6 months. I closed myself off from her sometimes because it was hard to trust her(and it obviously hurt her) but when I did try to talk about it, we just fought. She had no place for me but as a friend she told me. She told me she had been a complete bitch for making it that way. We couldnt be best friends because he was a big part of her life and I just didn't want to hear it she said. We both, due to advice from friends, ignored one another every so often but it just never stuck. We cared too much I guess and always eventually picked up the phones

 

Finally she got tired of it, I guess, and has ignored me now for the past few months...

 

I've had this time to get my head straight and I want my best friend back. I don't know how. She doesn't answer calls, texts, emails, or anything

[WTRanger]

So I met this girl about a year ago at work...we clicked instantly, became best friends, like really best friends, texted, called daily, had a mutual attraction that came up but she had a boyfriend so we kept it in line until one day, we crossed the line too often(cuddled at parties, eventually slept together) which led to them breaking up and us 'talking', kissing, having sex. I moved away for college and we did the same thing, tried to make it a long distance thing. She came and visited, we talked multiple times a day, webcammed...but he came back into her life. She told me she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't be torn between the two of us. We could be friends but we couldn't have sex or kiss anymore.

 

I moved back home because the school didn't pan out, she tried to stay best friends but it was hard on me to get past the emotions and just drop them while she was with him again. She told me she wanted it to be alright again and she wanted it to be the way it had been so bad and God knows she tried. We fought a lot, pretty much when we talked it was a fight but she kept trying for about 6 months. I closed myself off from her sometimes because it was hard to trust her(and it obviously hurt her) but when I did try to talk about it, we just fought. She had no place for me but as a friend she told me. She told me she had been a complete bitch for making it that way. We couldnt be best friends because he was a big part of her life and I just didn't want to hear it she said. We both, due to advice from friends, ignored one another every so often but it just never stuck. We cared too much I guess and always eventually picked up the phones

 

Finally she got tired of it, I guess, and has ignored me now for the past few months...

 

I've had this time to get my head straight and I want my best friend back. I don't know how. She doesn't answer calls, texts, emails, or anything

 

Accept the bold part and stop stalking this girl. She's chosen the other guy, and she wants to focus on him. With you in her life, she cannot do that.

 

You don't want to be friends anyways. You want to get close and get back to the old days. Admit it. The "I want to be friends again" is the biggest farce on the face of the planet.

[festy9]

You know at one time, you were right.

I loved her

 

I couldn't forgive her and I couldn't forgive myself and she tried hard to be my friend and I couldn't.

 

I want her in my life as my friend and I know I can help her as her friend...I just need to hope she can forgive me.

 

That's what I want to know how to do.

[whichwayisup]

You two are lovers/friends, not 'bestfriends'. Bestfriends don't sleep together or fool around, it's platonic and it definately doesn't break up relationships. There are lines and boundries that have to happen when a man and woman are close friends. Seems you two never had those 'rules.'

 

You two are attracted to eachother,fooled around, had sex etc, and things got messy between her and her boyfriend, she now chose her boyfriend over you, (sorry) rightfully so.

 

Let her go and focus on healing and closing your heart. Friendship is IMPOSSIBLE to have when feelings are involved. She's doing what's best for HER, which is not having you in her life. I'm sure it sucks and you miss her, but it was a romantic friendship, not platonic.

[Engadget]

Sadly once you introduce sex into a friendship, and then feelings things get screwed up. My best friend in high school was a girl and she brought up having sex one day and we did. It carried on for two years, and then she met the man she got married to and we no longer talked. Her husband was jealous and forbid her, and she recently contacted me again because they're having problems.

 

Sometimes its best to just remain friends, because then things can't go south and you can stay in contact. Sorry you had to learn the hard way.

[Jordanjames]

I agree with the other posters it is time for the OP to heal.

 

I have been in a similar situation and it sucks. It really does, but life does move on.

 

What is the point to subject yourself constantly to this girl's rejection? The truth is, you and this girls were never friends because friends don't kiss and have sex. You had a relationship with this girl but it did not work out. Life is too short for you to worry about her. It will take time, but when you are ready you will meet someone else. Hopefully, you will meet someone that truly loves you and only you.

[princehole]

"Everyone has a "best friend" during each stage of life-only a precious few have the same one."

[festy9]

So...the other day i got 2 blank text messages from her so I texted her back and said 'hi, i keep getting blank texts...any reason'

 

She said her phone was messed up

 

asked how she was...we texted for 2 and a half hours until she said she had to go and said she'd talk to me later

 

we hit quite a few topics...she is moving away about 3 hours for school. We said our sorrys for what happened

 

I asked if she missed me(we always had said that), she said in a friend way

 

she said she was glad I didn't hate her

 

she said she had to go and would talk later

 

 

I guess wait and see if she does talk and play by ear?

[WTRanger]

Her phone is not messed up. You feel for that hook, line, and sinker. She knows she still has you on the back burner. She knows you are still letting her live rent-free in your mind. However, she has also established that she only misses you in a FRIEND way. Meaning, I don't get all hot and wet thinking about you.

 

So if you think you are on the track back to anything more than friends, you are sadly mistaken. I suggest, as before, that you walk away from this one before you leave slobbery tongue marks on the ground behind her. Plus, she's moving away from you to go to school which means she'll be meeting many guys, going to many parties, and living her life. She's not going to want to be tied down with you since you two already failed the long distance test when you went to school.

[banser123]

You may not want to hear this but I would say do not become friends with her if you have any feelings for her, which it seems you do. I got what you want, I am best friends with my ex. She calls/texts me 3 times a day, we hang out alot, I go by her place to eat, her kids love me. We work together. All seems well, but I am really hurting because I want things to be how they used to be, and they are not. I cant be mad at her because she is such a good friend to me and does alot for me. She knows I still have feelings for her and she doesnt want to hurt me, she never talks about guys or makes me feel uncomfortable, she even tried to cut down on the time we spend together because if she was to start dating in the future, I wouldnt be as hurt. But she misses me too and always comes back and gets close again. Its tough to end our friendship but at the same time it hurts not to be her boyfriend anymore.

TRUST ME, if you have the chance to keep NC with her do it, because in the long run you will be hurt being her friend. I wish I could take my own advice, but Im stuck now. Dont put yourself in a similar situation.

[RoseJan123]

It's so sweet to know that guys think like this, bc I know girls do, lol. Ummm, don't ask him straight up, he'll probably call you a wuss, lol. That could cause drama. Just, if you think you're losing him to your other friends, start to hang with those friends more also. That way, you're hanging out more together, and he sees that you can have more than just one friend. It can be suffocating when you're the only friend someone has, or when you're their bff. Because that takes alot of effort.

[festy9]

well, against everyone's advice

 

she and I are talking...have been for about a week now. We text several times throughout the entire day, we've hung out just the two of us, and she has come and visited me at work several times. It's been good...somewhat strange but good.

[WTRanger]

So a month later, has anything changed? Sure the two of you are talking, but you are on completely different pages. Thus why it's strange to you. If you both wanted the same thing, it wouldn't be so strange. In fact, it'd feel righteous. But as it is, there is a massive turd in the punch bowl and both of you are refusing to deal with it.

 

She's interacting with you as a friend, and you are interacting with her hoping she'll be your girlfriend. You are going to look at everything with a different definition than her. You are seeking to find clues where there are no clues, so you'll just make far fetched connections.

 

If there's anyone you need to listen to, its Banser123. Don't dig yourself such a deep pit with her that it becomes almost impossible to escape from it.

 

What are you going to do when she leaves for school? Are you going to go postal when she doesn't respond quick enough? Are you going to smother her with your overbearing emotions? She's going to get real busy here soon, what then? She was in a failed long distance thing with you before, do you really think she'll want to try it again?

[festy9]

It does feel righteous though...It is fantastic

 

We talk constantly about anything. We just like turned the switch back on and leaped over the ackwardness, that's why it seems so weird.

 

I mean it's come up. She goes out of her way to talk to me. I try to let her hold the reigns right now and she constantly seeks me out through text all day, coming to see me...everything.

 

I mean, we both seem to have a more feelings there than a normal friendship but we don't think it will ever be normal between us. There's always going to be something there... I do love her but I care about her. She is important to me and I am to her. I don't know why, I don't know how, we just work.

 

I'd love to have her in my life as more but if this is what it is, this is what it is. Our relationship is fantastic. I wouldn't lose it again.

[carhill]

Congrats. You know what it's like to be a girlfriend. It's part of the story behind why you see female friends so closely intertwined. They share marked emotional intimacy, something men rarely do with their male friends.

 

The issue is you are not a woman. You're a man and you necessarily interact with women differently than a woman does. You have different feelings about them.

 

Your test is whether you can truly feel positive about her meeting, falling in love, marrying and having children with another man. If you were her girlfriend, you'd be ecstatic for her and go shopping for wedding shoes and baby clothes together. Are you up for that?

[WTRanger]

It does feel righteous though...It is fantastic

 

We talk constantly about anything. We just like turned the switch back on and leaped over the ackwardness, that's why it seems so weird.

 

I mean it's come up. She goes out of her way to talk to me. I try to let her hold the reigns right now and she constantly seeks me out through text all day, coming to see me...everything.

 

I mean, we both seem to have a more feelings there than a normal friendship but we don't think it will ever be normal between us. There's always going to be something there... I do love her but I care about her. She is important to me and I am to her. I don't know why, I don't know how, we just work.

 

I'd love to have her in my life as more but if this is what it is, this is what it is. Our relationship is fantastic. I wouldn't lose it again.

 

It won't be so fantastic when she starts dating another man. As Carhill so wonderfully said, you are just a girlfriend at this point. Yes, it was harsh but it's the truth. What's going to happen when she moves to go to school? Do you honestly think you'll stay at this level when that happens? She is going to meet other men you know. What then? You'll turn green with jealousy and explode like a volcano with all of these pent up emotions.

 

You are still holding onto hope that it will be something more, but the chances of that are extremely slight and they get slighter everyday you play the girlfriend role. She's no longer going to see you as a man. I have a feeling by the end of the year there's going to be a huge falling out. I don't see this surviving her leaving for school. I really don't. Your mind is off in the clouds and soon it's going to come slamming down to reality.

 

Are your interactions friendly or relationship like? Do you kiss her at the end or just a nice, safe, friendly hug? Go ahead, ask her how she sees you. I'm sure she'll say you are a great friend. That wouldn't be a bad thing, but you want this to go further and that makes it a bad situation to be in.

[festy9]

uhm I guess I should have been more specific...the guy she cheated on for me that she had been in a relationship with for 2 years before is the one she left me for...she's been with him ever since. She's still dating him and we are fine right now. It's not like she left me to be single and screw around guys, she left me for the guy she had the established relationship with

[festy9]

So...you guys were right in a lot of ways.

 

It went great for a few months as long as we ignored the past and had a fresh start. I started needing to talk about the past and I asked her and everytime I'd ask she'd say something like 'soon, I promise' and the one time she tried, I didn't...And come to find out last week(via suggestion of friend), I have had anxiety problems for the past couple of years and am just now finding out about them(maybe a thyroid problem).

 

I had some huge mood swings(likely my hormones and feelings) on her like if she didn't answer, maybe send a text like 'i guess it doesn't matter' and being a general jerk. Then the last straw was I asked her to call me one night...and she did later and I missed it and texted her and told her I didn't know if I wanted to talk anymore and she said k and said that was all she could say at the moment. I told her I was sick of being treated like I don't matter and everything I could think of.

 

I apologized the next day but that was it. I have called, texted, facebook messaged telling her what the doctor told me. She deleted my parents as facebook friends, won't answer me. I guess it finally ended the way everybody thought it would.

 

Sorry for wasting everybody's time.

[Ometeotl]

Sux,

 

Life may seem all f*uckd up right now, and it is for you,it is, however you have an opportunity to really hash out some ideals, really go internal on this ****.

 

When something like this happens, it takes some time to pick yourself up, but that sort of introspection and self reflection I simply, part of it.

 

So ya, it sux, but good can come out of it if you so choose!