rogersk1968 Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 I will be married 23 years on June 27th. Been with my husband for 29 years. I had a close friend for 7 years, who has been having an affair with my husband for the last 9 months. He claims he loves me, and I do love him, but I know that he is still talking to her after months of me knowing what was going on. I have never confronted her and haven't spoken to her since January of this year. We went to one counseling session, which didn't go well at all. I have SO many unanswered questions, I'm driving myself crazy. What should I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 This is a major event and change of the circumstances of your life...why on earth would you not attempt to participate?? The OW has been a part of your life for a long time, she and your H changed her role in your life without telling you. But now you know...I cannot imagine not speaking to them both and wanting to know exactly the terms of your life, your marriage, their parts in it... If you do not speak up and start making decisions...who makes them for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 I will be married 23 years on June 27th. Been with my husband for 29 years. I had a close friend for 7 years, who has been having an affair with my husband for the last 9 months. He claims he loves me, and I do love him, but I know that he is still talking to her after months of me knowing what was going on. I have never confronted her and haven't spoken to her since January of this year. We went to one counseling session, which didn't go well at all. I have SO many unanswered questions, I'm driving myself crazy. What should I do?? Leave the cheating jerk! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 Leave the cheating jerk! I don't want to leave him, I want to stay together, and I want her to get the **** out of our lives!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 You have to let him know that you know they are still in contact and it must stop at once or it's over. He is to call her in front of you and tell her he will not be contacting her anymore and it is over. Being that she was a friend of yours you should tell her how you feel also. If you become a doormat in this situation you are going to be walked on over and over again. You have to stand up for yourself if you have any chance of getting your marriage back or down the line you wish you had left when this first happened. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenamy Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 I will be married 23 years on June 27th. Been with my husband for 29 years. I had a close friend for 7 years, who has been having an affair with my husband for the last 9 months. He claims he loves me, and I do love him, but I know that he is still talking to her after months of me knowing what was going on. I have never confronted her and haven't spoken to her since January of this year. We went to one counseling session, which didn't go well at all. I have SO many unanswered questions, I'm driving myself crazy. What should I do?? I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be deceived and cheated by two people I love like that let alone live and wake up daily. I commend your strength. I hope you realize that you need to stay strong and face this and your husband and your (not) friend. It's easy to say leave the jerk; but things, emotions and circumstances never make it that easy. I think you should confront your friend (I'd do it in a public place but I am mean) and your husband (separately. I also think you should give hi the option of counseling/ending the affair and if he doesn't follow through, kick him out and be strong in your decision to do so. If you act as if nothing is wrong with the pricks, they'll wipe their paws all over you. Don't be a doormat because you are worthy. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 I don't want to leave him, I want to stay together, and I want her to get the **** out of our lives!!!! Then why haven't you told her this?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 well, some people say if I confront her, it will be satisfaction to her that she "got to me". I seriously just want to strangle both of them (but more her). Link to post Share on other sites
brokenamy Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 well, some people say if I confront her, it will be satisfaction to her that she "got to me". I seriously just want to strangle both of them (but more her). Stop being mrs nicey and confront the bitch. Tell her to her face, tell her in front of everyone, how you Trusted her, loved and cared for her as a sister and she ****ed you over, betrayed you and broke your trust by ****ing your husband. Then tell her to get the **** off your face and out of your lives (throw your drink in her face) then walk away. Then go face your husband. Break dishes, the TV and let it all out tell him how you gave him everything and every inch of you that you had and you'd be dammed if you'd let him destroy you and your marriage. You know that Beyonce song "ring the alarm"? Listen to it. Tell your husband he leaves the slut, you guys go to councelling or he is out and flat. He is trying and you are letting him if you don't stand up and step up you will lose your hsband to a fling. Grow balls baby and feed them to your husband and ex friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 LOL, love it! That's exactly how I feel..... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 But what are you going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 I have no idea .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 I refuse to give in. She will NOT win. I have 2 sons and the thought of her being in their lives makes me ill. Him and I can be good together, we ARE good together. I saw on the computer that he was looking up "how to break off an affair". What the hell does that mean? Just freakin end it! Good-bye! That was a few weeks ago. Now I see that he's looking up lyrics to Kenny Chesney songs (her favorite artist). He doesn't listen to country music. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Are you happy being second best? Are you happy that your best friend is shagging your hubby and you are just sitting there doing nothing? I am so confused, you say you blame HER more? why??? It is HIM you are married to and HE is disrespecting you and your sons and your marriage vows! I dont get this at all ... You are willing to do nothing but whine about how she will not have him and that you and him are good together! Is he good with you when he is looking up lyrics to love songs for her? making love to her? whispering sweet nothings in her ear? Grow a backbone and stand up and do SOMETHING!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Stop being mrs nicey and confront the bitch. Tell her to her face, tell her in front of everyone, how you Trusted her, loved and cared for her as a sister and she ****ed you over, betrayed you and broke your trust by ****ing your husband. Then tell her to get the **** off your face and out of your lives (throw your drink in her face) then walk away. Then go face your husband. Break dishes, the TV and let it all out tell him how you gave him everything and every inch of you that you had and you'd be dammed if you'd let him destroy you and your marriage. You know that Beyonce song "ring the alarm"? Listen to it. Tell your husband he leaves the slut, you guys go to councelling or he is out and flat. He is trying and you are letting him if you don't stand up and step up you will lose your hsband to a fling. Grow balls baby and feed them to your husband and ex friend here is some top advice ^^^^^^^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 You have to let him know that you know they are still in contact and it must stop at once or it's over. He is to call her in front of you and tell her he will not be contacting her anymore and it is over. Being that she was a friend of yours you should tell her how you feel also. If you become a doormat in this situation you are going to be walked on over and over again. You have to stand up for yourself if you have any chance of getting your marriage back or down the line you wish you had left when this first happened. Of course he stopped calling her on the cell phone that I pay for, and stopped using home email and 2 other email addresses I found. Now I'm sure they're talking on work email and work cell phone. Any idea how to confiscate those?? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Of course he stopped calling her on the cell phone that I pay for, and stopped using home email and 2 other email addresses I found. Now I'm sure they're talking on work email and work cell phone. Any idea how to confiscate those?? You said in your first post that you know they are still talking. How do you know this if you haven't any proof? The only way to confiscate his work email and other is to break into his companies system, and you would be arrested. How do you know they are still talking? Link to post Share on other sites
brokenamy Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Of course he stopped calling her on the cell phone that I pay for, and stopped using home email and 2 other email addresses I found. Now I'm sure they're talking on work email and work cell phone. Any idea how to confiscate those?? you can confiscate all the phones and computer in the world it will not stop them from talking. What will is you confronting them and facing whatever fear is stopping you from talking to them. If you do not, I know you won't leave him. But you will be a spineless doormat and setting a poor example for your sons. Step up! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 I want her to get the **** out of our lives!!!! Your husband has to want this too. As long as he wants her in your lives, she will be there. She will not leave your life alone until your husband makes her. How to make that happen? Think about it for a minute. What does he stand to lose by remaining in contact with her? Apparently nothing. He isn't going to end the affair until he stands to lose something if he doesn't. That means you have to show him that being in an affair = you will lose everything. How to do that? There is only one way. You have to go to a divorce lawyer, and get a divorce settlement written up. Make sure you go to the most ball busting lawyer you can find, and make sure your settlement is draconian. Then sign the papers and put them aside. Next, expose the affair to everyone who would be personally affected by it: all the family involved on all three sides, coworkers, etc. You want the maximum number of people to know, and that will put pressure on them to end the affair. After you do that, sit him down and hand him the divorce papers, and tell him that since he refuses to end the affair you are going to end the marriage. Then, ask him to pack his sh*t and leave. As soon as he sees that he will lose nearly thirty years of a shared life, and pay dearly for it all for someone he's 'been with' for less than a year, then and only then will his head pop out of his arse and he will begin to see that perhaps the affair is not a good idea after all. I'm telling you though, since you've condoned it so far by not forcing it to end, nothing less than this extreme tactic will end this affair. He will not stop for your sake. He will only stop when faced with the reality of a severe loss if he doesn't stop. This will only work if you mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
romango Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 I seriously just want to strangle both of them (but more her). This appears to be your best option at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 So, every time I confront him or try to talk, we end up screaming at each other and then not talking (hasn't said a word to me in the last 2 days). We did have a nice wedding anniversary; however, I asked him to put his wedding ring back on and he basically said he can't do it. Admitted he's still talking to the OW, but assured me that it will be ending. In the meantime, I'm thinking this is all an act and he's just being silent to push me away. He feels that he needs counseling on is own before we can fix our problems together. OMG I'm so frustrated. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 So, every time I confront him or try to talk, we end up screaming at each other The time for confronting is long past. He has shown you his cards, time to show him yours. Go back and re-read my last post. At the point where you are, that is the only thing that will shake his head out of his ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 You have to let him know that you know they are still in contact and it must stop at once or it's over. He is to call her in front of you and tell her he will not be contacting her anymore and it is over. Being that she was a friend of yours you should tell her how you feel also. If you become a doormat in this situation you are going to be walked on over and over again. You have to stand up for yourself if you have any chance of getting your marriage back or down the line you wish you had left when this first happened. I agree that she has to confront him.. to let him know that she's not a fool and she knows.. This woman has never been her friend.. friends don't have sex with their friend's husband.. I think the bold part is useless.. even if she tells him that he needs to stop.. he will ONLY if he wants to... plus contacting her in front of her means nothing.. they can fake the call.. (I've done this for my younger MM)... I'm afraid that nothing can really be done by the BS at this point.. except confrontation.. with her H... other than that.. if he doesn't stop.. she needs to make a decision about whether she wants to live like that.. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted July 1, 2010 Share Posted July 1, 2010 If he won't end the affair then you have to end the marriage. I do not say this lightly BECAUSE I am in the very same boat! It's breaking my heart to do it, I've never felt worse, but that is the choice I have to make. One one hand I have a woman I love deeply to the core but she is unhealthy and hurting me and refuses to stop. I cannot exist like that, it is intolerable and shows that our relationship is far less important than her selfishness and narcissism. And frankly, if you have to Google "how to end an affair" you MUST be a total idiot. Not only is that a complete dog and pony show simply for your benefit, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to call the OW and say: "It's over, we can't see each other anymore, I love my wife too much, goodbye." Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted July 2, 2010 Author Share Posted July 2, 2010 If he won't end the affair then you have to end the marriage. I do not say this lightly BECAUSE I am in the very same boat! It's breaking my heart to do it, I've never felt worse, but that is the choice I have to make. One one hand I have a woman I love deeply to the core but she is unhealthy and hurting me and refuses to stop. I cannot exist like that, it is intolerable and shows that our relationship is far less important than her selfishness and narcissism. And frankly, if you have to Google "how to end an affair" you MUST be a total idiot. Not only is that a complete dog and pony show simply for your benefit, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to call the OW and say: "It's over, we can't see each other anymore, I love my wife too much, goodbye." I know, everyone says just get out. Here's the thing: I've been with this man since I was a teenager (seriously, 12-1/2 years old when I met him). I love him so much even though he's hurt me SO bad. I'm afraid to be on my own. I know I'll lose my house. But in the meantime, I'm slowing losing my mind and my self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
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