tornandmarried Posted September 18, 2010 Share Posted September 18, 2010 yeah better off doing it right...either way leave this jerk...i know peoples first instinct is to accept the affair, out of shock...but geez, if he has the nerve to cheat with you friend after all the years u been together thats just out right disrespectful...sure there was this and that, problems with the relationship and such, but there really no excuse for it....after nearly 30 years with this man your not getting any younger....your better off with out him and try to start fresh with a new man that makes u feel wanted and special...sure it maybe take a couple months/years to get over it, but the time passes before u know it, youll come out of this being a whole new person...be strong Link to post Share on other sites
Dan654321 Posted September 18, 2010 Share Posted September 18, 2010 I agree with still a fool, Be calm when you tell him. And be politely firm. Engage the support of friends first. You may need some support. Seek out a social group. Take some control. This your life, You may have to listen to what he has to say one more time. Hearing it again may be what it takes to let go. Question him about what he has done, if you need to. And work through it. If he still insists on this behavior, introduce him to your lawyer. That'll open his eyes. He may suddenly become reasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Share Posted September 22, 2010 So .... since I'm still getting the silent treatment, I decided yesterday to send him a text message. I know, it's stupid ... but. Here's what I said "Were you thinking or me or her when you looked up those lyrics? (Rascal Flats - What Hurts the Most). You need to stop lying to me.... (I caught him in a lie about where he was Friday night). I'm tired of being made a fool of (every single day). NO RESPONSE. Today's text said "Your silence and lack of response can only lead me to believe my assumptions are right." AGAIN, NO RESPONSE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Share Posted September 22, 2010 So .... since I'm still getting the silent treatment, I decided yesterday to send him a text message. I know, it's stupid ... but. Here's what I said "Were you thinking or me or her when you looked up those lyrics? (Rascal Flats - What Hurts the Most). You need to stop lying to me.... (I caught him in a lie about where he was Friday night). I'm tired of being made a fool of (every single day). NO RESPONSE. Today's text said "Your silence and lack of response can only lead me to believe my assumptions are right." AGAIN, NO RESPONSE. oh and forgot to put that the last couple times I tried to hug him, he actually kinda flinched ..... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 22, 2010 Share Posted September 22, 2010 (edited) this isn't a marriage and it isn't his loving behavior. have him served with divorce papers and see how he responds... he won't like it but you need to take your power back. stop handing it willingly over to him. if he wants her that much - let them at it. take him for everything you can get. he deserves everything he gets. stop being his doormat - he's banking on you playing that role. when you start playing a role of a woman with courage and strength - he may understand that he just totally screwed himself... as much as he's been doing that by being with the OW. kick him out today. change the locks and put his stuff in the front yard. this is what i did - so if i can do it - so can you. get mad!!!!! he doesn't deserve you. he can sleep in the gutter. speaking of the OW - call her up and calmly state that you are disgusted that you ever chose much less thought of her as any friend... that she can have the lousy man she's been participating with - and that you hope they get everything they deserve together. keep in mind that you are the one to invoke change = if nothing changes - nothing changes. if you don't change things up - expect more of the same crappy behavior from him. you have now trained him that it's ok to treat you terribly and you will put up with it, so change is definitely needed. we do train others how to treat us. start allowing him to understand you aren't going to take his lousy behavior anymore - you deserve better. hugs to you. be strong - stand up for your best interest! he's definitely not going to. Edited September 23, 2010 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 when you start playing a role of a woman with courage and strength - he may understand that he just totally screwed himself... as much as he's been doing that by being with the OW. rogersk1968 the above quote is so correct. I think your lack of self esteem in this matter has actually caused your husband to lose respect for you. Every man wants a strong woman as every woman needs a strong man. You have let your friend and your husband walk all over you. She isn't going to stop either because they both feel you have no backbone and there will be nothing to fear from you. You are actually afraid of her and she knows it. As another poster said he is not going to stop seeing her and don't be surprised if he tells you he is leaving you for her. Think about it, why would he give you the "silent treatment"? You should be giving it to him. You had better wake up and decide what you are going to do before you get blindsided. Link to post Share on other sites
Template Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Wow, this really made me sad and angry at the same time. However, ask yourself this - what kind of "incentive" is he given to change his ways? You guys can scream and yell, argue and moan, but at the end of the day, what really has changed. You're still miserable, he's still seeing the other woman, and you're still married. Up until this point there really isn't any reason for him to change things, because you are allowing him to keep on doing what he wants. You need to give him a reason to change, whether it's serving divorce papers, smashing his car, whatever, he needs to feel repercussions for doing what he's doing to you. IF you met him when you were 12, and been together for 29 years, you aren't even 40. You still have plenty of time, and plenty of opportunity to find and meet somenone who will treat you the way you want, and DESERVE to be treated. Right now, you are hurting yourself more than he is. Take action, and do what's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted September 23, 2010 Author Share Posted September 23, 2010 Wow, this really made me sad and angry at the same time. However, ask yourself this - what kind of "incentive" is he given to change his ways? You guys can scream and yell, argue and moan, but at the end of the day, what really has changed. You're still miserable, he's still seeing the other woman, and you're still married. Up until this point there really isn't any reason for him to change things, because you are allowing him to keep on doing what he wants. You need to give him a reason to change, whether it's serving divorce papers, smashing his car, whatever, he needs to feel repercussions for doing what he's doing to you. IF you met him when you were 12, and been together for 29 years, you aren't even 40. You still have plenty of time, and plenty of opportunity to find and meet somenone who will treat you the way you want, and DESERVE to be treated. Right now, you are hurting yourself more than he is. Take action, and do what's right. Actually - I am 42. And I haven't mentioned this before, but in the last 3 years I have been through some rough times. My dad died in 2007, I found out I had breast cancer in 2008 (my H and my ex-friend were by my side through everything), my sister died of cancer in 2009, I met my birth family (which is wonderful now, but very scary) (I was adopted when I was 3 days old), and now this. Thank GOD for my other friends and family who have been there for me. I still haven't told my Mom about what he's been doing. She also knows the ex-friend. She would be devastated if I told her. AND, I finally got a response from H - we're going to try to talk tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted September 24, 2010 Author Share Posted September 24, 2010 Actually - I am 42. And I haven't mentioned this before, but in the last 3 years I have been through some rough times. My dad died in 2007, I found out I had breast cancer in 2008 (my H and my ex-friend were by my side through everything), my sister died of cancer in 2009, I met my birth family (which is wonderful now, but very scary) (I was adopted when I was 3 days old), and now this. Thank GOD for my other friends and family who have been there for me. I still haven't told my Mom about what he's been doing. She also knows the ex-friend. She would be devastated if I told her. AND, I finally got a response from H - we're going to try to talk tonight. DONE - he admitted still seeing her ...... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 24, 2010 Share Posted September 24, 2010 DONE - he admitted still seeing her ...... done what? this was done a long time ago - what are YOU going to do about it? why are you willing to put up with this? did you kick him out? i would - and i did! you can too.... right NOW!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted September 24, 2010 Author Share Posted September 24, 2010 done what? this was done a long time ago - what are YOU going to do about it? why are you willing to put up with this? did you kick him out? i would - and i did! you can too.... right NOW!!! I made the first call to the bankruptcy attorney. I'll call the divorce attorney after that is done. Somehow find a way to come up with the $$$ for the retainer. In the meantime, I'm gonna do my own thing. As long as my kids are okay, I don't care about anything else. No, I didn't kick him out. He can just continue sleeping in the basement. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 25, 2010 Share Posted September 25, 2010 I made the first call to the bankruptcy attorney. I'll call the divorce attorney after that is done. Somehow find a way to come up with the $$$ for the retainer. In the meantime, I'm gonna do my own thing. As long as my kids are okay, I don't care about anything else. No, I didn't kick him out. He can just continue sleeping in the basement. make him uncomfortable. he deserves to be uncomfortable... him being comfortable and no consequences has ENCOURAGED him to NOT change a thing! when he's darn uncomfy - he may actually think he messed things up really bad. for now, he's just thinking "why change anything? this is great just the way it is!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author rogersk1968 Posted October 3, 2010 Author Share Posted October 3, 2010 God, what is wrong with me? I can't tell my own mother about this. I can't bring myself to tell my kids. I haven't kicked him out. We just don't speak to each other or even look at each other. I am horrified at the thought of trying to run a house by myself. I feel like such a complete loser. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 Please,please,please don't think that you are a loser. HE is the loser and a complete coward! I have read your posts and the advice given to you and IMO he has already moved on and away from you (in his mind.) I know you don't like confrontations and you are scared of being alone but you have to stay strong now for yourself and your kids. Tell him he can't live in the basement- he can either go to her or find a room rental for himself. Get yourself a good lawyer and protect yourself and your kids financially. He has made his decision to leave you, he just lacks the courage to do it- and as long as he is hanging out in the basement you are hanging on to the hope that he will change his mind. Believe me-he won't. I found myself in a similar situation 18months ago- and my STBXH eventually moved in with OW (and her daughter) leaving me and his then 7 yr old.(27 years married) It was a terrible time and, like you, I was terrified of living by myself after being married a long time-but hey we're managing,it isn't easy but it can be done! Link to post Share on other sites
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