Women - Turning Emotions Off

[BiAxident]

So I've been "seeing" my XGF for the past 10 weeks or so. She was the one who terminated our relationship of two years, roughly two years ago. We have known each other since we were just barely teenagers, 16 years in all, and have been very close throughout.

 

About 6 weeks ago, she started bringing up the idea of us dating again. I voiced my concerns about the situation (not all the reasons she left me originally have been resolved, I'm preparing for lawschool, etc). I told her it would be something for us to discuss as things progressed, and we kept on seeing each other.

 

Over the weekend, she evidentially decided that she had waited long enough, and now she's ready to move on and start seeing other people. When I asked her what happened to the feelings that she had for me, she said that she "turned them off".

 

Turned them off?! How is it even possible to just "turn off" strong romantic feelings that you have for another person? As it stands now, I am just one option among many. I feel like I'm getting played, but I'm not really sure what to think.

 

What say you, ladies? Have you ever done something like this? Could you imagine doing something like this? She stated that if I had voiced my feelings ONE week earlier, then things would be different, but now that she "turned the feelings off", she isn't sure that she wants to get back together with me.

[tippie]

i have been in this situation.

&& ill just give you my personal story.

i did exactly what she did just to prove that

i could be with other guys && not have to wait around. && try to make him jealous..

 

her situation could be different. but as a women. its rare we can just TURN

feelings off especially with a history of what yall have. you know?

 

so either she is trying to prove a point or at the moment she really is turning it off && just trying to move on with her life.

[norajane]

Either her feelings were not strong to begin with, she's lying, or she built up enough resentment and frustration that she really did start to lose that infatuation and interest. or she met a guy she likes a lot more who is paying attention to her and not hesitating like you.

[txsilkysmoothe]

You didn't indicate why she broke up with you two years ago. It may have some bearing on the situation.

 

Let me see if I have the timeline correct -

 

After 4 weeks of what - "hanging out?" - she tells you she wants to date you; you decline, giving reasons, and tell her "let's see how it goes."

 

After 10 weeks of what - "hanging out?" - she tells you that after almost 3 months, she has given up on the possibility that the two of you will start "dating," she's accepted it, and wants to stop "hanging out."

 

It sounds reasonable to me.

 

I don't think it is so much that she "turned off" her feelings but rather that she "gave up" that you would ever want to date her. It's just dating for goodness sake, or does dating have some other definition for you?

 

Did you voice YOUR feelings for her ONLY when she told you she turned off her feelings? If so, why didn't you do it earlier? Why did you wait? The comment about "one week earlier" probably means that had you declared yourself, you could have re-ignited the dying hope that she has been living with for the past six weeks.

 

Imagine if you had asked her to date and she said, "we'll see" and never mentioned it again. Each day would feel like a continual rejection, IMO. How long would it take for you to "give up?"

 

If you weren't willing to date her, you shouldn't expect her to stick around.

Edited June 21, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[BiAxident]

You didn't indicate why she broke up with you two years ago. It may have some bearing on the situation.

 

She originally broke up with me a little over two years ago because, at the time, she felt she was ready to get married and start a family, and as such she wanted to be with a "professional" man. In retrospect, she declared that, while "professional" looks good on paper, if there isn't a personality match, it doesn't amount to anything.

 

Let me see if I have the timeline correct -

 

I don't think it is so much that she "turned off" her feelings but rather that she "gave up" that you would ever want to date her. It's just dating for goodness sake, or does dating have some other definition for you?

 

Well, the "turning off" thing was her words, not mine. As for the definition of dating, given that we dated seriously for two years, lived together, and have known one another for over 15 years, I assume that if we got/get back together, marriage would be on the near horizon.

 

I considered the decision of whether or not to get back together with her to be a monumental decision. If we were to reunite, and at some point over the next four years she decided I simply didn't have enough time for her, given law school, that would be dangerously crippling to my future. So yes, I viewed it as more than typical "dating".

 

Did you voice YOUR feelings for her ONLY when she told you she turned off her feelings? If so, why didn't you do it earlier? Why did you wait? The comment about "one week earlier" probably means that had you declared yourself, you could have re-ignited the dying hope that she has been living with for the past six weeks.

 

Yes, I only voiced my feelings when it became clear she was ready to move on to other gentlemen. Why didnt I voice my feelings sooner? I was indecisive and a bit scared of being burned again. I also had assumed that, given that we were spending every weekend together, as well as a weekday or two, and that I was cooking for her and showing her increasing amounts of non-sexual physical affection, that we were slowly moving towards an increased commitment.

 

The way she put it, yes, if I had declared myself one week earlier, we would have gotten back together and that would be that. So, for now at least, I have to deal with the guilt of feeling scared of being dumped again (the first dumping was very sudden).

 

Imagine if you had asked her to date and she said, "we'll see" and never mentioned it again. Each day would feel like a continual rejection, IMO. How long would it take for you to "give up?"

 

If you weren't willing to date her, you shouldn't expect her to stick around.

 

Given that I wasn't making any attempt at meeting other women, that I sacrificed time with friends and family to be with her, that I was cooking her dinners, and that we were getting together consistently (though not implied) I would have been comfortable staying the course for years, if not forever, had the roles been reversed.

 

In my mind, the only difference between what we had and "dating" is the label "dating", which implies an exclusivity, but as I mentioned, I was never chatting with or seeing any other women. In my "guy mind" we were already dating.

 

But you're right, I shouldn't (and didn't) expect her to stick around forever. Outside of questioning the timing of my "being ready", though, I dont see much reason that she would be willing to be with me ONE week but not a mere seven days latter. It seems that, after all the time we've spent together, if she really feels/felt that strongly, it wouldn't be much of an issue.

 

As always, thanks for the reply.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I think you have to view it in terms of she was losing hope of reconciliation with each passing day and feeling a lot of confusion. Your behavior toward her, by your own description, was the same as being in a relationship without the label of dating. But did she know that? If not, it probably made her feel very confused. Was there ever additional communication about the relationship?, whether it was a relationship?, whether you changed your mind about dating her?, AFTER you initially said you weren't ready? If not, it doesn't matter how you interacted with her, she was living with the knowledge that you were not willing to commit to her. That is painful when you want someone. It's probably what led to the eventual "turning feelings off." I think also she built up resentment toward you over the weeks following you telling her you weren't ready to date her.

 

I can see why the "ONE week earlier" thing bothers you, but I think if you had declared your feelings the same day VOLUNTARILY and BEFORE she told you she was tired of waiting it would have been soon enough. For her, hearing you say it AFTER she told you she is tired of waiting makes her think you ONLY said it because you were FORCED into it by her. She can't be certain you mean it and isn't willing to make herself vulnerable again.

 

It's unfortunate for you both. You both have been hurt.

 

On the other hand, I don't think she knows what she wants. She broke up with you two years ago for a superficial reason. This time, she could have broached the subject of dating again rather than deciding unilaterally that she was moving on. Given your history, I think she owed you that. Now she seems to have been easily swayed by her dating prospects, giving priority to strangers rather than to a man she knows intimately.

 

Personally, I think you are better off without her. Your concerns about time to devote to her during law school are valid. I seriously hope that you do NOT compete with other men or wait for her to rule out other men and choose you. There have been enough difficulties, opposing objectives, and serious communication problems to conclude that a relationship won't work. I think it is time to end it permanently and move on.

 

You deserve better.

Edited June 22, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[carhill]

After going back and reading this thread from two years ago, I'd advocate acceptance of her 'explanation' and focusing on the coming challenges in law school. Many new potential paths await. This one is done

[BiAxident]

I think you have to view it in terms of she was losing hope of reconciliation with each passing day and feeling a lot of confusion. Your behavior toward her, by your own description, was the same as being in a relationship without the label of dating. But did she know that? If not, it probably made her feel very confused. Was there ever additional communication about the relationship?, whether it was a relationship?, whether you changed your mind about dating her?, AFTER you initially said you weren't ready? If not, it doesn't matter how you interacted with her, she was living with the knowledge that you were not willing to commit to her. That is painful when you want someone. It's probably what led to the eventual "turning feelings off." I think also she built up resentment toward you over the weeks following you telling her you weren't ready to date her.

 

I can see why the "ONE week earlier" thing bothers you, but I think if you had declared your feelings the same day VOLUNTARILY and BEFORE she told you she was tired of waiting it would have been soon enough. For her, hearing you say it AFTER she told you she is tired of waiting makes her think you ONLY said it because you were FORCED into it by her. She can't be certain you mean it and isn't willing to make herself vulnerable again.

 

That is very valid indeed. It wasn't that the told me that she was tired of waiting. We went to a party together, hosted by mutual friends, and she spent hours ignoring me and chatting/flirting with another guy who she barely even knew. She even went so far as to give him a neck rub infront of EVERYONE. When we finally left, I asked her if I should assume that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with me and she said she didnt know.

 

When we discussed the whole situation, she focused a LOT on why I waited until after witnessing that to bring the topic up. From my viewpoint, given that we were spending regular time together, I viewed it as dating. From her perspective, I waited until someone else was in the picture. She stated that she doesnt doubt the sincerity of my emotions, but I'm sure she has her doubts because of it.

 

On the other hand, I don't think she knows what she wants. She broke up with you two years ago for a superficial reason. This time, she could have broached the subject of dating again rather than deciding unilaterally that she was moving on. Given your history, I think she owed you that. Now she seems to have been easily swayed by her dating prospects, giving priority to strangers rather than to a man she knows intimately.

 

She brought it up via Facebook chat like a month ago, and I told her that I was leaning towards trying the relationship again, but that I needed time and that I had concerns. She made attempts to be "couple-ee" with me, trying to get physical affection from me and I didn't respond to in the way which she liked.

 

Personally, I think you are better off without her. Your concerns about time to devote to her during law school are valid. I seriously hope that you do NOT compete with other men or wait for her to rule out other men and choose you. There have been enough difficulties, opposing objectives, and serious communication problems to conclude that a relationship won't work. I think it is time to end it permanently and move on.

 

Well, we are supposed to hang out together tonight after she gets out of work. It is going to be akward as all hell for me, no doubt, because I don't know if I'm supposed to lay all my feelings out on the line, thus potentially appearing desperate, or if I'm supposed to stay somewhat aloof, which is what got me into this situation in the first place.

 

There have been communication problems to be certain, though I wouldn't go so far as to say that the relationship couldn't work. My expectation is that I'm going to twist in the wind for maybe another two weeks, she'll probably be dating the other guy by then. Then, I just have to find a way to live with myself.

 

You deserve better.

 

I've had several people tell me that, but she's the only GF I've ever had, and I cant imagine there are too many other women looking to date a guy in his early 30s who makes so little money and clearly has the emotional issues I have. Still, thanks for the kind words, and thanks even more for your reply. I dont know what I'd be doing without this website.

Edited June 22, 2010 by BiAxident

[BiAxident]

After going back and reading this thread from two years ago, I'd advocate acceptance of her 'explanation' and focusing on the coming challenges in law school. Many new potential paths await. This one is done

 

While I'm impressed, and flattered, that you took the time to find that old thread, I'm not really sure how it applies to my current situation. The reason that she dumped me initially doesnt really play much into this situation.

 

She hasn't yet ruled me out. I suspect that she will within the next 10 days or so. For now, I just twist in the wind. Once it is done, I have to try to figure out how to pick up the pieces, how to find another woman who I can love, and who can love me despite my flaws. We are just such a perfect fit for each other (she says so herself). I'm just so confused, but as always, thank you for the reply.

[carhill]

If you were a 'perfect fit', you'd be together. History is an important teacher, when one takes the time and interest to reflect upon it. IMO, 'waiting' does nothing to serve your health and psyche. Move forward, proactively, and do what *you* want, with or without her as she sees fit.

[BiAxident]

If you were a 'perfect fit', you'd be together. History is an important teacher, when one takes the time and interest to reflect upon it. IMO, 'waiting' does nothing to serve your health and psyche. Move forward, proactively, and do what *you* want, with or without her as she sees fit.

 

Well, a perfect fit personality wise. Now, I imagine she thinks that if it took her looking toward other men just to get me to be willing to date her, then what happens when its time for me to slap a ring on her.

 

The problem is that, moving forward, what I want to do is be with her. At least thats how I feel right now. Sure, I'd like a career and a nice wide social circles with friends and hobbies, but for right now I dont want much, I just want her.

[carhill]

She doesn't agree, and does not want to be with you. *Accept it*. I had to accept this in my M when stbx and I came to see divorce was the healthiest path. I had a choice. I could fight inevitability or I could accept it. An important life lesson is that one can't control the path of life, only one's reaction to it, making healthy decisions as the path unfolds. Like the old saying goes, you make plans and then life happens.

 

There is no promised land at the altar of the woman. Do not sacrifice the essence of who you are for the nebulous 'feelings' and 'wants' which attend. Or, do so and find out later why I gave you this advice. Up to you

[BiAxident]

 

Imagine if you had asked her to date and she said, "we'll see" and never mentioned it again. Each day would feel like a continual rejection, IMO. How long would it take for you to "give up?"

 

Thank you much for this bit of insight. I had been so "zombified" with pain from the whole ordeal, that I failed to look at her side of things in this regard. So, when I went to visit her on Tuesday, I brought dinner and some "apology roses" to say sorry for letting her twist in the wind for a month.

 

So, we hung out, played board/card games, and shared a lot of physical affection, sexual and otherwise. She talked about how she liked that we can enjoy each others company in such a wide range of activities, and mentioned that we should catch a sunset out on the beach sometime. We fell asleep in each others arms and woke up late the next morning.

 

So, on the plus side, I got to enjoy her company with a totally drama free night. On the minus side, there was no mention, conversation, or resolution regarding our "status" and her fishing for other men. I guess thats fine for now, I hate drama. My goal at this point is just to demonstrate the sincerity of my conviction.

 

Before I left though, I hid several "love notes" in spots around her apartment where she should find them. I guess that way I can get my point across without being right there to be potentially shot down?

 

At any rate, we'll be hanging out again tonight. I treat each meeting as if it could be the last, and I just want to share as many experiences and make as many happy memories as I can with her.

[JadedHeart]

From what I've learned in these past few years...

 

The majority of girls will either give an excuse or reason as to why they're ending your relationship.

 

What they really mean is... My interest level in you has gone down or I've found another man I'm more interested in, thus making your interest level go down.

 

Apparently she lost interest in you (surprise!), that I want a professional man thing is BS.

Any and every excuse is BS.

 

You decided you didn't want to commit after she hinted the idea of you two dating. So why didn't you jump on that opportunity? It's pretty evident you still like her... But you didn't. Why?

 

Because you're smart enough to listen to your gut. You knew damn well somewhere deep down that she wasn't being serious.

 

Good for you! Turn off emotions? Yea right tell her good luck to you and take care.

 

In 3 years you'll be a lawyer after you pass the BAR of course.

Livin' large, big house, convertible, sportsbike, supermodel gf, etc...

 

Then she'll come crawling back to you. Her pangs of resentment and regret will be overwhelming. Deny her like the plague and go forth!

 

EDIT*

 

Usually I only read the first few posts... After reading the last one I've decided to still keep my original post. I've been in a somewhat similar position, if two people really wanted to be together they'd be together. No ifs ands or buts. Ask her if she turned the switch back to on positon

 

Seriously, if she's able to "turn" off her emotions, she'll just use the same excuse later on. Either that or something similar.

 

In any case I hope everything turns out the way you intend. Good luck and take care

Edited July 1, 2010 by JadedHeart

[WheatusDirtBag]

Maybe she got tired of waiting. I know I am getting real tired of waiting for my friend to snap out of whatever insanity he is in of not liking me (like that) and I'm about ready to "turn my feelings off" as well.

 

However...this is just with a guy I like, not even a guy I'm in a relationship with, and I can't just do that.

 

So who knows...