Irony

[Spiritofnow]

All this reminiscing and talking about what I miss about our relationship is actually causing me to miss him more, and worse, make me feel like I have had it will all the b*LLSH*T waiting, and longing and god-damn arses stuff.

 

I feel close to tears...and REALLY frustrated, and I am sorry, because this kind of thread probably won't do anyone any good who is in the same boat.

 

Some times keeping it together and remaining all collected and balanced about the distance just takes it's toll. I work hard on not focusing on the negatives, but sometimes I just feel like I want to EXPLODE from suppressing my real desire to have a 'normal' relationship.

 

Tweets on twitter and updating each other about the mundane just doesn't cut it sometimes - I mean, I do feel connected, but sometimes it starts to feel like I am telling a stranger that I love him - he's not a stranger, but we are not doing anything together that connects us more than when we were last together.

 

I think I just need to rant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish it could be different.....today I wish things could be different.

 

I have to stop myself when I feel like this from throwing a tantrum and saying I can't do it any more. I feel like I want a break from all this distance, but wherever I go the distance is still there.

 

Days like today are too much!!!!!

 

5 months of waiting, and then all we get is 14 days and then I go back to waiting for months again before we see each other.

 

Being in denial is far better than thinking about him and feeling so frustrated!!!!

[nemi26]

when do you see him next and last time you saw him? it is annoying but do you have loads of contact? i know thats not as good as touching and seeing them IRL but its rele important and i cant have much of that so your lucky if you do.

 

keep yourself busy, im doing voluntary work to keep myself busy as well as to look good on my personal statement

 

but cry, i actually like crying in a way, i never ever ever ever hold it in, i let it out like theirs no tomorrow, haha.

[Els]

Oh, Spirit. To be honest, that's why I usually stayed away from the reminiscence threads, unless I'm already deeply in it and need to vent. I found that just not THINKING about him and focusing on other things that bring me happiness was the best way for me. I'm not sure if that was the best decision, as what is a relationship if you don't think about the other person? But it was what I needed to do to survive, because all those times where I immersed myself in memories of his smell, touch, and warmth always led to intense feelings of longing and loneliness, and took too great a toll on my ability to function normally and happily, and placed too much pressure on him to comfort me from a distance.

 

If there is a balance, I have yet to find it. It is possible when both parties are new and there's just so much to talk about and do even at a distance... but as you well know, it eventually stagnates and only RL ever seems to be able to revive it. In such cases, my solution was to simply hit the pause button and not EXPECT any sort of growth or excitement from the LDR. When you admit to the fact that it is not MEANT to be great and exciting under such circumstances, but rather just something that you deal with until circumstances improve, such as doing a 6-month stint at a workplace that you don't enjoy but is necessary... I find things work much better that way.

[tippie]

i know exactly how you feel. && my bf is in the military. so i go a whole year without seeing him while he is deployed to iraq/afghanistan && it is so hard. but sometimes its good && healthy to just let yourself break down. && the feeling of being apart does get really unbearable but hey technology helps so much now with webcam.

my bf just finished a tour && he came here to visit me first && is now visiting his family. he asked me to come along but i felt like your family deserves the only time with you like i got. && gosh do i REGRET it lol.

i miss him so much everyday that it hurts sometimes but thats where my heart is && i wouldnt have it anywhere else..

 

continue to stay strong. stick with all the memories the good && the bad times to see how far yall have come... good luck && hang in there

[Spiritofnow]

Thank you, guys : )

 

I agree that sometimes it is good to just let go...

 

I called him and he ended up goofing around on the phone and I released the tension by laughing/crying.

 

Elswyth, I usually deal with the distance EXACTLY as you have described. I think, because our next visit is getting closer I let myself day-dream too much and I realise I am not ready for that yet.

 

I am going to go back to being present in my days, which includes however I choose to involve my SO for that day.

 

I feel better.

 

I am staying away from the reminiscing for a while, while being mindful that today is the only day that truly exists and counts for anything.

 

Thank you all so much for sharing and your support.

[Spiritofnow]

Oh, Spirit. To be honest, that's why I usually stayed away from the reminiscence threads, unless I'm already deeply in it and need to vent. I found that just not THINKING about him and focusing on other things that bring me happiness was the best way for me. I'm not sure if that was the best decision, as what is a relationship if you don't think about the other person? But it was what I needed to do to survive, because all those times where I immersed myself in memories of his smell, touch, and warmth always led to intense feelings of longing and loneliness, and took too great a toll on my ability to function normally and happily, and placed too much pressure on him to comfort me from a distance.

 

Exactly!!!! This is the place where I am and it is the only place that also allows me to function and retain my sanity. I do think about him, but I do not reminisce so much or future pace. I usually just bring him in to my 'here an now' and that works for me.

 

We use the same style of coping, and it is a comfort to me to see that someone else adopts this style.

[pandagirl]

Ugh. It's so nice to have a place where everyone understand this LDR thing!

 

It is a catch-22. Stay busy with your own life does make you happier and lets you not focus or long as much for your partner, but in that process, it does create distance. It's hard finding the right balance. And when you do find the right balance, it doesn't always stay that way. Gah!

[Els]

Exactly!!!! This is the place where I am and it is the only place that also allows me to function and retain my sanity. I do think about him, but I do not reminisce so much or future pace. I usually just bring him in to my 'here an now' and that works for me.

 

We use the same style of coping, and it is a comfort to me to see that someone else adopts this style.

 

Yes!! I'm glad it's working for you. Hang in there, sweetie!!

 

Ugh. It's so nice to have a place where everyone understand this LDR thing!

 

It is a catch-22. Stay busy with your own life does make you happier and lets you not focus or long as much for your partner, but in that process, it does create distance. It's hard finding the right balance. And when you do find the right balance, it doesn't always stay that way. Gah!

 

Pandagirl, I truly think you've attained enlightenment about LDRs despite only having been in one for a few months! This is sooooooo very true. We have to cope with living as if we are single for the most part, but yet there is absolutely no point to the waiting if we are not still checked in/tuned in to the relationship still. I frankly don't know which is the hardest part of LDRs - finding and maintaining this balance.... or the stresses and pressures of making a plan to be together in the future, and the sacrifice required by both parties to carry it through. At least some of you here are exempt from the latter, since your SO is coming back to you.

[carvidep]

We have to cope with living as if we are single for the most part

 

Pardon the tangent. I picked out this line because I agree with it, but I also wanted to add that we have to live very independently. It can be sad at times, but I think we become stronger because of it. We learn to be individuals and take care of our own business. I think that will make all of us ideal partners once we finally get to live with our SO's because neither will completely rely on the other. Therefore, we rock.

[pandagirl]

 

Pandagirl, I truly think you've attained enlightenment about LDRs despite only having been in one for a few months! This is sooooooo very true. We have to cope with living as if we are single for the most part, but yet there is absolutely no point to the waiting if we are not still checked in/tuned in to the relationship still. I frankly don't know which is the hardest part of LDRs - finding and maintaining this balance.... or the stresses and pressures of making a plan to be together in the future, and the sacrifice required by both parties to carry it through. At least some of you here are exempt from the latter, since your SO is coming back to you.

 

LOL! Well, if i were to exist solely on emotion in my relationship, it really would not work out. I have learned to take a step back, and really look at the circumstances and situations involving my LDR.

 

I quickly learned that it's almost impossible to feel like you are in a "normal" relationship in a LDR. Quite simply, the reality is that he isn't here. Period. I don't expect to feel 100% emotionally fulfilled every day, which means I have to just take care of myself better, which in turn makes my relationship better.

 

But, yes, there are times when I feel very needy and I want my boyfriend to be HERE for me. And it's in those moments when that "balance" is thrown off.

[Spiritofnow]

LOL! Well, if i were to exist solely on emotion in my relationship, it really would not work out. I have learned to take a step back, and really look at the circumstances and situations involving my LDR.

 

I quickly learned that it's almost impossible to feel like you are in a "normal" relationship in a LDR. Quite simply, the reality is that he isn't here. Period. I don't expect to feel 100% emotionally fulfilled every day, which means I have to just take care of myself better, which in turn makes my relationship better.

 

But, yes, there are times when I feel very needy and I want my boyfriend to be HERE for me. And it's in those moments when that "balance" is thrown off.

 

It felt like it took me such a long time to come to this realisation. Before I got to this place of being I felt so unhappy. I soon realised that I couldn't change the LD dynamic so I had to to change my perception - Epictetus advocates dealing with that which we have some control over and letting go of the rest - good advice.

 

It's a fine line between being present in your here and now, and bringing in your SO, and future pacing and wishing the future would hurry up and happen - that is a bad state of mind to be in in an LDR, and like you say it is healthier to realise that we cannot recreate a RL relationship, except for bridging some of the gaps.

 

You have a realistic and balanced approach.

[pandagirl]

It felt like it took me such a long time to come to this realisation. Before I got to this place of being I felt so unhappy. I soon realised that I couldn't change the LD dynamic so I had to to change my perception - Epictetus advocates dealing with that which we have some control over and letting go of the rest - good advice.

 

It's a fine line between being present in your here and now, and bringing in your SO, and future pacing and wishing the future would hurry up and happen - that is a bad state of mind to be in in an LDR, and like you say it is healthier to realise that we cannot recreate a RL relationship, except for bridging some of the gaps.

 

You have a realistic and balanced approach.

 

I have a "realistic and balanced" approach, but it's not always executed that way! haha.

[Spiritofnow]

Well, yeah, you are human after all ; )

 

Taking care of ourselves, as you say, is so key!!! I go to the gym and give myself a good work out. I try my best to take care of my mental and physical health. In fact I have noticed that when the balance is thrown off for me it is usually due to some external force that is causing me some tension and stress, and when that is coupled with the energy I use in being ok with the distance it makes it harder for me to remain balanced and collected.

 

Being in an LDR is a learning curve, but I know I will always be grateful for the positives that it has provided me with. I believe that we are fantastic communicators, and I am sure that will be carried over into our RL relationship. I also believe that we are both more willing to take responsibility for the things in our relationship that may need more thought, rather than being stubborn. I guess, me and my SO want to be the type of partner to each other that is open and honest, and I think because of the dynamics of the distance it just heightens our awareness over that. The distance isn't all bad and is a very good indicator of the strength of your relationship. I have personally learned a lot about myself too, which is good in my books.

 

You sound like a very together person. I admire that.

[Spiritofnow]

Some days I am pretty good, and when I am in school it is great because I have that to focus on. But with it being summer and all this free time on my hands I find myself wishing for our future a lot more often than I usually do.

 

I totally get that , because I am a student too. I have found that once a create a summer routine that I find it easier to be present. Each day is precious and I try to be mindful to enjoy being in it and then realising while I am in it that my SO is too, be it through the tweets we twitter, the call we make to each other or simply the love I carry around with me every day.

 

However, you have also now witnessed me having a bad day, and I think we should permit ourselves those every now and then : )

Edited June 22, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[aerogurl87]

Awww well I know how everyone feels, last night I got into this "Omg this just sucks" mood about being so far away from my guy. We ended up talking about it, but then he mentioned I'd left my corset over at his house and it smelled like me, which led to him going on about how he missed me so much, and that didn't help. But when I get like that, I write and write and write. It helps get my mind off the fact that he's not here even though I really wish he was.

[XKatieX]

Awww well I know how everyone feels, last night I got into this "Omg this just sucks" mood about being so far away from my guy. We ended up talking about it, but then he mentioned I'd left my corset over at his house and it smelled like me, which led to him going on about how he missed me so much, and that didn't help. But when I get like that, I write and write and write. It helps get my mind off the fact that he's not here even though I really wish he was.

 

Yea I've found writing out my feelings really helps me too. I think im better at communicating with someone or getitng a point across through writing rather than talking, because you can collect your thoughts better.

[pandagirl]

 

Being in an LDR is a learning curve, but I know I will always be grateful for the positives that it has provided me with. I believe that we are fantastic communicators, and I am sure that will be carried over into our RL relationship. I also believe that we are both more willing to take responsibility for the things in our relationship that may need more thought, rather than being stubborn. I guess, me and my SO want to be the type of partner to each other that is open and honest, and I think because of the dynamics of the distance it just heightens our awareness over that. The distance isn't all bad and is a very good indicator of the strength of your relationship. I have personally learned a lot about myself too, which is good in my books.

 

You sound like a very together person. I admire that.

 

Yes, my boyfriend and I are brutally honest with each other. We tell each other what we're feeling and don't really hold back. When we argue, we get into it, but the upside is after it is over... it's really OVER. No hidden resentment or biting our tongues. We just move on.

 

I don't think some people on LS think I'm very put together! haha. I've had my moments, but I know I am a mature person who is rational and can make good decisions. I'm true to myself and so is my boyfriend, and I think that's why we're working so far.

 

I totally get that , because I am a student too. I have found that once a create a summer routine that I find it easier to be present. Each day is precious and I try to be mindful to enjoy being in it and then realising while I am in it that my SO is too, be it through the tweets we twitter, the call we make to each other or simply the love I carry around with me every day.

 

However, you have also now witnessed me having a bad day, and I think we should permit ourselves those every now and then : )

 

Oh man, I can relate. I work for myself, and while I do work, I don't have a schedule or a demanding job. My boyfriend works 60-70 hour weeks and is always busy. In fact, the work/life balance in our lives is what has created the most arguments in our relationship.

[Els]

Spirit, I don't think anyone in an LDR has never experienced a 'bad day'... more like ten or twenty of them! Hopefully you're feeling a lot better now?

 

Oh man, I can relate. I work for myself, and while I do work, I don't have a schedule or a demanding job. My boyfriend works 60-70 hour weeks and is always busy. In fact, the work/life balance in our lives is what has created the most arguments in our relationship.

 

Yours too? They need to start NOT working people so ruthlessly!!

 

I think you're handling the distance admirably, PG, and I'm betting you guys will work out just fine, no matter what anyone else on the boards may say.

[AnnPod]

I know this may not sound that friendly, but according to my experience the best thing is to pull yourself together, shut up talking about the sadness, and stop complaining in general (this includes complaining secretly to yourself, because all of your friends are already tired of your depression).

 

Whenever you are thinking about how much you miss your SO etc etc etc you are making it worse.

 

Your relationship can only be healthy when you are healthy. And for me it's impossible to repeat the obvious facts here (you live like a single person at times, you feel lonely, nobody kisses you and you don't have sex, and the jealousy, and AND AND) and not being depressed.

 

I know all the things people are saying here, and my only cure is to be strong and to get over it.... You chose that relationship, this relationship did not chose you!!

[pandagirl]

Yours too? They need to start NOT working people so ruthlessly!!

 

I think you're handling the distance admirably, PG, and I'm betting you guys will work out just fine, no matter what anyone else on the boards may say.

 

Yup. It's the biggest obstacle in our relationship. He works from 7:30-6, eats dinner, goes to gym, and most nights he goes back to work from 8-10, then sleep. Usually when I talk to him, it's right before he goes to bed and he falling asleep already! I have had to learn and understand that he's not always going to have the energy to focus on me.

 

I hope we work out. I'm just taking things as they come and trying to stay present and in the moment, while at the same time being mindful of both of our needs and how to maintain a healthy balance.

 

I know this may not sound that friendly, but according to my experience the best thing is to pull yourself together, shut up talking about the sadness, and stop complaining in general (this includes complaining secretly to yourself, because all of your friends are already tired of your depression).

 

Whenever you are thinking about how much you miss your SO etc etc etc you are making it worse.

 

Your relationship can only be healthy when you are healthy. And for me it's impossible to repeat the obvious facts here (you live like a single person at times, you feel lonely, nobody kisses you and you don't have sex, and the jealousy, and AND AND) and not being depressed.

 

I know all the things people are saying here, and my only cure is to be strong and to get over it.... You chose that relationship, this relationship did not chose you!!

 

I totally agree! But it's entirely possible to have this mindset and still have those days when everything sucks!