Ive waited 10 years for the question.....

[Astraeus]

Hi everyone,

I am brand new to this, and found this quite by accident, in fact this is my 1st post......

I feel nervous talking about this and I don't even know why - like maybe I shouldn't be, i'm going to anyway, I need to.

 

I'm 28, and live with my boyfriend of 10 years. He's 35. I guess you could say I've been waiting a few years for the 'big' question that doesn't come. My boyfriends younger brother got married last summer and I hoped it would give him the rocket he needs to ask me, but nothing. I try talking about it every now and again, and he talks about it with me, and then changes the subject fast. It's the same when we talk about having children. He says he wants them, but when we talk about having a family there is never any indication that we will be married, and again with the baby talk - it's me that brings it up. I wanted my life to be going into the next stage really by the time i'm 30, but time is passing me by.

Our relationship is ok, we both recognise that we need personal time together, but I feel recently my whole mood is affected by this. I wish it wasn't so awkward to talk about, or bring into conversation. I wish we had future plans. What do I do? I'm thinking that marriage probably isn't his cup of tea, and maybe i'm just a bother everytime I bring it up.

 

1 more thing, I was with my best friend on friday evening. She took me upstairs and said she had a secret, she pulled the most beautiful wedding dress out of her cupboard and I just looked at it and thought - that will never be me. How selfish is that? And then to make it worse, I broke down in tears and started sobbing. I feel awful, I was happy for her but so caught up in my own worry and problems I just couldn't hold it back. Thank god, we are close enough that she understood. And I think she is almost 3 years younger than me, all of my friends are younger really and have either started their families or engaged, 1 is on her honeymoon right now. I briefly told my boyfriend over the w.end about my best friends wedding plans and he just said 'it's not a race is it?'

 

So, what I wanted to ask is - how long, or more appropriate, how much longer do I wait? I fear maybe we want different things, and that breaks my heart. We have been together for so long. Please advise if anyone has words of wisdom for me x

[quankanne]

sounds like he's comfortable with the relationship just as it is, and he could resent you wanting to introduce change (i.e., marriage) because he thinks y'all are fine as you are.

 

I suspect you know this relationship is going as far as it's gonna go, because if his intentions were something more permanent, he wouldn't be stringing you along like this. Sorry to be the one to say it, kiddo ...

 

right now, the question is: Do you want to invest anymore of your time in a relation with someone who doesn't respect you enough to address the issues that are important to you?

 

hugs,

q

[TaraMaiden]

Harsh, cold-bucket-of-water reality check, hun.

 

It -

Is -

Not -

Going -

To -

Happen.

 

Nothing has happened by now.

he keeps changing the subject.

He has never so much as taken the hint.

 

Why should he?

 

He's perfectly happy, content and satisfied as he is.

He has absolutely everything he wants, needs or requires.

There's absolutely no reason for him to change it in any way whatsoever.

 

Permit me, if I may, to ask you this:

 

WHY exactly, do you WANT to get married?

 

For that matter, WHY exactly, do you NEED to get married?

[norajane]

I try talking about it every now and again, and he talks about it with me, and then changes the subject fast. It's the same when we talk about having children. He says he wants them, but when we talk about having a family there is never any indication that we will be married, and again with the baby talk - it's me that brings it up.

 

He does not want to get married. Maybe not to anyone, but surely not to you.

 

He's known you long enough, and he is 35. A man that age who has been with a woman for 10 years, a woman he lives with, KNOWS whether he wants to marry her or not, and his ACTIONS are showing you that he does not.

 

If marriage and a family is important to you, you will need to end this relationship and look elsewhere.

[O'Malley]

You're at a crossroads for good reasons. After ten years, your future is something you both should be comfortable discussing together.

 

I agree with the consensus that he's content with the relationship as it is, and is going to keep on changing the subject in order to preserve things exactly as they are. If you want marriage (and more importantly, children) you have to accept that it will not be with this man.

[Astraeus]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their honesty. I am stuck in a rut of desperation really.

>taramaiden - I want to get married because I love him and isn't it what every girl dreams of, im traditional I guess you could say, I wanted to be married and have a man I could call my husband before children come.

 

I am scared after 10 years of this change that seems to be looming. It's weird because I look back to when we first got together (I was 18, and he was 24) and we used to talk about marriage and kids all the time and I even remember once back then he said to me 'I can't wait to marry you', What has gone so wrong that this man I love won't even talk to me about it for longer than 2 minutes without shutting down?

At 28, would I be too old to start again?

[SarahRose]

Of course you aren't too old to start over! People get married at every age from teens to 90s.

 

He is never going to marry you.

 

Have you ever just point blank asked him if he is going to and if he is when?

 

I would be almost tempted to just tell him we're getting married and start making the arrangements.

 

If that is what you want marriage and children, every day you waste with this tire kicker who never buys, is one more day not closer to finding the one who is truly for you.

[Krytie TV]

At 28, would I be too old to start again?

 

Heck, I've been married, divorced, and married again with kids on the way since I was 30! You're not too old there, missy. nice try though Guess that means you actually have to do something selfish for yourself then, huh?

[SmyrnaGirl]

I'm 28 too. You are NOT too old! You're in your prime, dear so get out there and find a nice man who will love you and marry you up in 1-2 years. It doesn't take 10 years and you he shouldn't have you waiting this long on something that affects your life and your future like this. Normally, I hate telling people to leave but in this case I think that if you really want marriage, the chances are slim that you'll ever see it with this man. Its been 10 years and he can't talk about this for longer than 2 minutes with you?......he never will. I'm sorry

[WalkInThePark]

I am not of the women here who thinks that she can predict the future and say that it will never happen.

I think it will not happen if you don't tell him loud and clear that this is what you want. Don't let him change the subject next time you try to talk about it. Tell him that marriage and kids is what you want and that if there is no evolution towards this, you will leave the relationship. Plenty of guys got married and had kids because the woman pushed for it. It is not the perfect way to make it happen but it is often what is needed to make it happen.

 

Living together for a long time does not automatically mean that there won't be a wedding at the end of the road. I know several people who were living together for more than 5 years who decided to marry. Sometimes it was because the woman was pushing for it, sometimes the guy took the initiative, sometimes they decided it themselves.

I know at least one couple where the girl really wanted it for several years and eventually her boyfriend proposed.

 

The 2 most important things are:

1. Let him know that this is important for you.

2. Do not see marriage as the ultimate goal but focus on the quality of the relationship. If he tries to escape difficult discussions then that is your first problem, not the fact that he does not propose.

[ADF]

Frankly, you shouldn't have waited this long. A man who stays in a relationship 10 years--10 YEARS!--without proposing is a man who isn't likely to propose, period.

 

TaraMaiden said it best. Why would he propose if he hasn't already? He's content with the situation as it is. He's getting everything he wants. From his POV, marriage would do nothing but impose additional restrictions and responsibilities on him.

 

What you've got on your hands is a man who doesn't want what you want. He doesn't want marriage, and I'd bet any amount of money he doesn't want children, either.

[amerikajin]

You've waited about 8 years too long.

[TaraMaiden]

>taramaiden - I want to get married because I love him and isn't it what every girl dreams of, im traditional I guess you could say, I wanted to be married and have a man I could call my husband before children come.

Look, I am really labouring this point hard, and rubbing it to really get to the underlayers, because people are far too flippant and lackadaisical about marriage today, anyway. It's become trivialised and inconsequential, and is beginning to mean nothing. If marriage really was as pivotal, fundamental and critical to our society as it should be, there would be fewer cheaters and fewer divorces.

So listen up, engage and really think about this, ok?

I'm serious.

 

I want to get married because I love him

Have you loved him all this time?

Has it grown?

Has it diminished?

Has it remained at a steady constant?

Would marrying him make you love him more?

Would not marrying him make you love him less?

Would marrying you make him love you more?

Would marrying you make him love you less?

How would marrying him change how you feel about him?

How would Not marrying him change how you feel about him?

How would marrying you change how he feels about you?

How would Not marrying you change how he feels about you?

 

isn't it what every girl dreams of

Is it?

Have you asked married women about this?

Have you asked them why they got married?

Have you asked them whether the promise lived up to the expectations?

Have you asked them whether the dream came true?

Have you asked them what they would change?

Have you asked them what they wouldn't change?

Have you asked single girls if this is what they dream of?

Have you asked them why?

 

im traditional I guess

There is no such thing as 'traditional'.

 

If there were, you wouldn't have a job, except to stay home and raise the children, and run the house, while he holds a 9 - 5 job for 45 years, and has his eye on a retirement gold watch.

 

If there were, there would still be the 'obey' clause in the vows, and you'd be right to wear white because traditionally, you'd be chaste.

 

If tradition existed, you wouldn't have lived together for 10 years already.....

 

Forget 'Tradition'. Tradition is just something that's done for more than three years running.

 

You could say, I wanted to be married and have a man I could call my husband before children come.

Why?

Again, you need to address all the above questions, thoroughly, hard and fast. There are countless thousands of couples - together couples, committed couples - who have children and are NOT married.

 

Being married doesn't make you a good parent, or even a better one.

Hell, being a PARENT doesn't make you a good parent.

 

being married doesn't make you qualified, capable or wise, to have children.

Why is being married so important for you to THEN have children?

 

I have been to three weddings where the children of the bride and groom were in attendance.

I have also been to weddings where the children of the bride and groom, separately (by other partners!) were there, together with the children of the bride and groom.

 

So what's your point?

 

You see, I'm really working this to make you think.

Because if you're going to plead the marriage thing to him, you'd better have all these answers pat, under your belt, before he starts firing them at you.....

 

.......I can't wait to marry you', What has gone so wrong that this man I love won't even talk to me about it for longer than 2 minutes without shutting down?

.....And this is why.

because then, when you fire this question at him, he will have to be equally prepared to give you as clearly thought-out and logical answers as the ones you are going to give him, to the questions I've asked you.

 

And before anybody accuses me of over-working this - It needs this work.

marriage is not some namby-pamby, flowery, icing-on-the-cake idealistic concept.

It's serious.

I'm treating it seriously.

This is the way the OP should be thinking.

Armed to the teeth with everything she's going to need.

Edited June 27, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[lolapalooza]

You are not too old, but are you going to spend 10 more years with this guy and then wonder if 38 is too old to start over?

 

Sure, he wanted to marry you when you first met. But now he's comfortable with the status quo, and you're not. If marriage is what you want and need out of a relationship, you should stop wasting your time with this one.

[horsegirl]

I think it will not happen if you don't tell him loud and clear that this is what you want. Don't let him change the subject next time you try to talk about it. Tell him that marriage and kids is what you want and that if there is no evolution towards this, you will leave the relationship.

 

Agree, bring it up and don't let him change the subject - find out why he feels this way rather than assume he is 100% against it.

 

Maybe he saw lots of problems between his parents, etc. I would definitely try to understand what his fears are. If he says things are great and he's afraid change (like marriage) will ruin your great relationship, he needs to understand that change is coming like it or not.

 

I hate ultimatums but if trying to communicate about marriage fails, you just have to explain that after 10 years, not marrying means you will leave. Marrying means you will stay.