Murphy1967 Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) Hi, I've been struggling with a long-standing issue in my marriage and it's come back up again -- I need some advice from the ladies in order to get some clarity here. I've been with my wife for a lengthy period of time and I absolutely adore her. The problem, though, is that I don't think that I was her first choice and it has been affecting us more as the years pass. When we first met, her sister had informed me of the fact that I wasn't her (my wife's) first choice (her sister has a personality disorder and is very cruel). I took this in stride, but when my wife shared some entries with me from her diary a few years later, I noted that, in an earlier entry, she made comments about another man, I'll call him Frank, whom she found "hot, sexy, and attractive", but she lamented the fact that he was not interested in her. Later, I found an entry about me in which she said "He is ok, but ..." the rest was continued on the next page, which had been torn out. She later admitted, during a heated argument about this, that it said, "he is ok but he has a big nose." I did have a big nose (unfortunately runs in the family), but this was altered years later through plastic surgery because I wanted to make myself more attractive to her. Nevertheless, I was devastated by what I read!!! Shortly after we began dating, she moved to another city. While there, she went out on a "platonic date" on two occasions with someone she was going to university with. However, he tried to hold her hand on the first date, but she chose to go out a second time with him. While on the second date, he smoked marijuana with his friends and later he tried to french kiss her, and then he put his hand on his crotch, which apparently had been fully erect. She admitted that his tongue got into her mouth even though she was disgusted by the smell of marijuana and alcohol on his breath. She stated that she did not willingly participate in this, and I somehow accepted this, even though I obviously had many doubts. Now, I doubt that events took place like she described because I feel she wouldn't have been out with him a second time or have allowed his tongue into her mouth if she didn't have a sexual attraction to him. Granted, she told me about this event willingly and she agreed never to see this man again. However, similar events occurred with two other men, although with no reported sexual touching. This behaviour seemed to end once I moved to her city to be with her, which she said she wanted. Flashing forward, we worked through these issues and eventually got married. However, at our marriage preparation course, we discovered that the original man she liked - Frank - was also in attendance with his fiancee. When the final class had ended, I went to the car, only to discover that my fiancee had rushed over to re-introduce herself to Frank. She later said that she wanted to show him how happy she was with me, but she did not introduce him to me or his fiancee, nor did she tell me that she was going to do this. Once again, in hindsight, I feel that what she has told me is bs. We did get married, but our marriage has been marked by a lack of sexual interest in me. Indeed, when we first got together, she made me wait for a few years to have intercourse. She said that her conservative upbringing fuelled the desire to wait. We get along very very well, but I realize that she doesn't seem to be as attracted to me as she should be physically. Sex was great early on, but it waned soon after. I keep thinking that I've been a fool for moving ahead when there were so many warning signs against our union, but I really do love her to bits and I find her so beautiful. I think that all is great, except for our sexual connection and my perception that I've been her second, or third, or even fourth choice all the way along. I have been devoted to her and I sometimes feel like she chose to be with me because I'm a "good guy." I've addressed these issues with her, but she assures me that there is nothing wrong in our relationship. However, from time to time I keep getting reminders of our past issues (e.g. when I run into Frank), and it makes me feel quite pathetic and stupid for accepting all of this. However, she swears to me that she is not still attracted to Frank, that she had no intention of fooling around with the man in her class who had kissed her, and that she underestimated the interest that the other men had in her, and the time she spent with them reflected her naivete rather than a desire to fool around on me. She continually tells me that I've over-reacted to these events and that she has been desiring me all along. At this point in time, I feel like I can't move on because I am haunted by these events, but she says that I am crazy. Would the ladies who participate in this forum please give me their thoughts on this issue as this has tormented me and caused me such intense pain for a very long time? We also have a wonderful daughter now, and I sometimes think that she won't be honest with me because of a fear that our family will dissolve. I just need some objective advice and feedback from you to see if I'm blowing this all out of proportion, or if you think that she settled for me. I am not sure how to resolve this very troubling issue. Thanks Edited June 22, 2010 by Murphy1967 Link to post Share on other sites
Windsurf66 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 When the final class had ended, I went to the car, only to discover that my fiancee had rushed over to re-introduce herself to Frank. She later said that she wanted to show him how happy she was with me, but she did not introduce him to me or his fiancee, nor did she tell me that she was going to do this. Once again, in hindsight, I feel that what she has told me is bs. Windsurf: yes, bull**** since she did not intro you to her Frank, and very disrespectful of you. Words are worthless, actions show the true intentions. I would never have let her off with this. We did get married, but our marriage has been marked by a lack of sexual interest in me. Indeed, when we first got together, she made me wait for a few years to have intercourse. She said that her conservative upbringing fuelled the desire to wait. Windsurf: Did she apply the same standards to other men? We get along very very well, but I realize that she doesn't seem to be as attracted to me as she should be physically. Sex was great early on, but it waned soon after. I keep thinking that I've been a fool for moving ahead when there were so many warning signs against our union, but I really do love her to bits and I find her so beautiful. I think that all is great, except for our sexual connection and my perception that I've been her second, or third, or even fourth choice all the way along. I have been devoted to her and I sometimes feel like she chose to be with me because I'm a "good guy." Windsurf: Well, is she avoiding sex with you now or what? For the perception that you are not her first, why not just accept it that there will always be someone in the world who is more attractive/better than you. People dun always end up with their first choice for whatever reasons. Its the way it is with relationships, jobs, house, schools etc. But since she married you, do you feel/think that you are her number 1 priority? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 ...I would not have married her. simple as that? Dude your marriage is a joke. She settled for you, because you was stable but not the man she truly wanted. im sorry. Women can be so fickle. She might have grown in love with you over time, but more often than not she chose you because you was a stable man who she needed at the time. I wouldnt be surprised she had a FB account, had ex boyfriends she was emotionally entangled with. she will betray you in another way sooner or later. Women like this do not change. They have a hard time facing themselves in the mirror. But in the end...it's your choice if you stay with her. I couldnt live with a woman like that. I would feel like our whole life and relationship was a lie. it was all a damn ploy because she didnt want me for the man i was, she wanted me for what i provided for her nothing more , nothing less. And in the future if something better comes along how will i know she is strong enough to choose me again, or will she betray me for the better deal? IDK? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoop Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 When we first met, her sister had informed me of the fact that I wasn't her (my wife's) first choice (her sister has a personality disorder and is very cruel). I think that all is great, except for our sexual connection and my perception that I've beeIn her second, or third, or even fourth choice all the way along. I have been devoted to her and I sometimes feel like she chose to be with me because I'm a "good guy." As a woman, I can see how having a man who constantly wonders if he is my second, third or fourth choice in spite of my reassurance would make me desire him less sexually. I doubt there is anything your wife can say or do - or that any of us can say or do - that will make you stop having these negative thoughts. You say everything else is great...so start working on yourself. Get som therapy and work out your self-esteem issues. An emotionally strong man is way more attractive than a man who constantly walks around thinking they way you do. Sorry to be brutal but that is my view as a woman. I do not agree with your wifes behaviour with that one marijuana guy though. However, I think it is sad you believe something her sister with a personality disorder once said before what your own wife tells you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Murphy1967 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Share Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks to those who posted a reply. First, the reassurance from some that my initial concerns were valid, despite my wife's reassurance to the contrary, did help me to feel as though I wasn't crazy. Indeed, as bettyboop noted, such insecurity is not attractive and this is why I had to bring such issues to the surface. In my opinion, I had to grow some plums and resolve this issue once and for all, both for my own sanity, and for the well-being of my wife, who must be allowed out the hole I put her in, or else we must move on. With the input from the forum, I did initiate an additional conversation with my wife. With some hesitation, she finally admitted that I was not her first choice of a partner, and that she felt a stronger attractive to several others. However, as it was noted above, not being her first choice was something that I had to come to terms with and it is not an atypical thing in many aspects of our life. However, in a reassuring way, my wife was able to state, quite emphatically, that my status with her has certainly been elevated to the point that I am clearly number one. She indicated, and I believe her for many reasons, that her initial choices would have been quite inappropriate for her for myriad reasons. However, she has been struggling with much guilt and remorse for the pain that she has caused me - especially because of what she wrote in her diary, and it appears that this is the primary factor fuelling the drop in our sexual life. Indeed, she appeared genuinely tormented and upset about what we've been through and I could clearly see her pain as we discussed this issue - yet again. Her guilt and her feeling that she had destroyed our relationship seemed to equal my own emotional turmoil. Nevetheless, I felt that we needed to resolve this issue or else we needed to move on. I also asserted my needs regarding our sexual life, and it appears that we have been able to get things back on track. My wife seems to be grateful that the stress between us has been eased, and my own confidence has come back. I feel like I finally have a coherent explanation from my wife, and I realize that, even though I wasn't her first choice, I am number one in her life now. With the help of the posts from those of you who have written, I think that we have been able to move things ahead quite well. I've regained my confidence, accepted what has transpired, and we've both been able to regain the sense of passion and connectedness that I was afraid that we'd lost for good. It was interesting to see that several close friends had noted that we seemed to have a certain "spark" during the past day or so, and I certainly feel like our relationship can thrive once again. Thanks for the help. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 I don't think he is wrong to think this. Many women marry men they are not THAT physically into becasue they like the idea of marriage and stability. They also got rejected by men they were strongly physically into and decide that if they want to have family and kids, there is no other choice than to settle. Both of my close friends ended up marrying like that I will probably have to as well. It is not as bad as it sounds. Simply put, women can have sex even if not strongly aroused while men can't. If they are settling, they will do it to "catch the man" and have kids but will stop soon after as they don't enjoy it. Men rarely marry women they are not physically into (as they can't hide if they are aroused or not). One partner settles in over 50% of the marriages. It's simply a fact of life. It's also the most likely cause of all "wife not into sex" threads on LS. Few men are willing to accept this though. You have to be incredibly lucky to find both sided love. At least you are in a secure relationship, it could be a lot worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 However, she has been struggling with much guilt and remorse for the pain that she has caused me - especially because of what she wrote in her diary, and it appears that this is the primary factor fuelling the drop in our sexual life. Indeed, she appeared genuinely tormented and upset about what we've been through and I could clearly see her pain as we discussed this issue - yet again. Her guilt and her feeling that she had destroyed our relationship seemed to equal my own emotional turmoil. I am glad for you that things are working out well with your wife Just one point that I am wondering. If she was feeling guilty over the pain that she had caused you and she loves you, wouldn't it be more logical that she would try her best to fullfil you sexually, instead of withholding sex from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 [quote=SadandConfusedWA;2858683 Both of my close friends ended up marrying like that I will probably have to as well. It is not as bad as it sounds. Simply put, women can have sex even if not strongly aroused while men can't. If they are settling, they will do it to "catch the man" and have kids but will stop soon after as they don't enjoy it. QUOTE] Oh my, you made these women sound like prostitutes! Exchanging their bodies, although temporarily as the sex will eventually stopped, for the security of a family. This is quite a mean way to hook the guy, if there is no love at all. No wonder we see so many walk away wives in LS, those who initiate a divorce after their children have grown up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Murphy1967 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Share Posted June 24, 2010 I am glad for you that things are working out well with your wife Just one point that I am wondering. If she was feeling guilty over the pain that she had caused you and she loves you, wouldn't it be more logical that she would try her best to fullfil you sexually, instead of withholding sex from you? I am not so sure that I would say she withheld sex. It seems like she was more disinterested. From what she says, and I am included to believe her, she felt as though she was in a hole she could not escape from and this fuelled a sense of hopelessness for her. There was clearly a disconnect and the look that I saw in her eyes when she said this made me feel she was 100% honest. No doubt, my insecurity made things even worse. However, when I confronted her about our situation recently, she did feel more encouraged and hopeful by our discussion. She even surprised me a few moments ago by sending me an email with some "toys" and lotions she had discovered online because she felt that they might enhance our sexual life together. At least I feel that she is trying and I have to appreciate and reward this effort !!!!! I have to try and make this work out the best way that I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 I am not so sure that I would say she withheld sex. It seems like she was more disinterested. From what she says, and I am included to believe her, she felt as though she was in a hole she could not escape from and this fuelled a sense of hopelessness for her. There was clearly a disconnect and the look that I saw in her eyes when she said this made me feel she was 100% honest. No doubt, my insecurity made things even worse. However, when I confronted her about our situation recently, she did feel more encouraged and hopeful by our discussion. She even surprised me a few moments ago by sending me an email with some "toys" and lotions she had discovered online because she felt that they might enhance our sexual life together. At least I feel that she is trying and I have to appreciate and reward this effort !!!!! I have to try and make this work out the best way that I can. I see, disinterested because not that physically into you like what sadnconfused said? If you don't mind me asking further, why does she feel like she is in a hole and had a sense of hopelessness? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts