sumdude Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) Okay I didn't realize how I still felt about her. I've been lying to myself. About a year ago we met a a club where I play regularly. She was introduced as a bassist and the club owner wanted her to sit in. At first I was like.. c'mon dude just because she's hot and you want a piece LOL.. Anyhow she eventually sat in and was pretty good. So over the next couple months we hung out with the same crowd.. just being friends. Then we decide we'd try and start a band with an old friend of mine on drums which didn't pan out. I never really though about making a move on her.. well maybe a couple times but wasn't all into her like that at the time. She surprised me one night, I was driving her home and she said she wondered what it would be like to kiss me. So next thing you know we have a little relationship going. Not too serious but we spent a fair amount of time together. In some ways we got along great in others not so well but I was under incredible stress at the time. Anyhow a few months later she ended it. I wasn't surprised and at first it didn't bother me. But I was pretty bummed for a month. Anyhow a few months later the band I was in needed to be reformed since the bassist quit. Well the only available and talented player I could find in short order was.. guess who? So we start working together which means hanging out a lot. I've had to listen to her whine about the three or four guys she's seen in the last year. ugh.. but mostly didn't bother me. That is until recently.. she's 41 and has been seeing this 24 year old loser. He's dumb, doesn't have a job and plays games with her. About the only thing he has going for him is that he just left the Marines (under very questionable circumstances) and is in awesome shape. Anyway three weeks ago she decided that she'd had enough. We had a lot of work to do and now that she was single we end up up hanging out a lot. We really had a lot of fun together. Yeah I put myself in the wrong position.. next thing you know she's telling me about all the problems with this guy et al, ad nauseum. Anyway I suddenly realized that i felt more for her than I admitted even to myself. The other night she shows up at the gig with this schmuck.. I was PO'd.. after all the crap he put her through she's still seeing him. I let it go as best I could. I guess it's a few things really. One is I didn't realize how much I cared for her. Two is I hate to see someone I care about get played, used and hurt. Third is.. my pride. She ended things with me over next to nothing compared to this fool and now I have to be on this side of it?? Doesn't help that he's 24 and I'm 42... arrrgh.. why did I put myself in this position? She would be very hard to replace in the band. Edited June 21, 2010 by sumdude Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 It's kinda like having an office romance but worse.... At least in the office, after you've broken it off with a coworker, they're not bringing their new dates to work---It's a lot different at a gig, not only do you have to see their new date, you have to smile, concentrate, and perform as if nothing was wrong---it's not easy.(and you can't call in sick, either) Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Your feelings are normal. Obviously you're aware that you're an ex who has now been friend zoned/turned into a confidante and that's not likely to change. I don't think she's necessarily being callous towards your feelings (unless she flirts with you) but assumes you've moved on as well. Probably to her thinking, you wouldn't have recommended her if you still had issues with the breakup. Unless you want to leave the band, turn the friendship down a notch to viewing her as just another guy bandmate you have to work with--treat her the way you would act towards one of them. Only discuss band issues or general topics with her; change the subject if she starts dishing about her love life. Don't be accessible to her when you're not rehearsing or playing a gig. Keep your personal life private as well. It's her choice to date whomever she wants -- you have to learn to not make any of her decisions the focus of your life, as difficult as that sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 (edited) Your feelings are normal. Obviously you're aware that you're an ex who has now been friend zoned/turned into a confidante and that's not likely to change. I don't think she's necessarily being callous towards your feelings (unless she flirts with you) but assumes you've moved on as well. Probably to her thinking, you wouldn't have recommended her if you still had issues with the breakup. Unless you want to leave the band, turn the friendship down a notch to viewing her as just another guy bandmate you have to work with--treat her the way you would act towards one of them. Only discuss band issues or general topics with her; change the subject if she starts dishing about her love life. Don't be accessible to her when you're not rehearsing or playing a gig. Keep your personal life private as well. It's her choice to date whomever she wants -- you have to learn to not make any of her decisions the focus of your life, as difficult as that sounds. It's a complicated situation. Everyone in the band is friends at some level. But she and I are definitely close.. probably too close for comfort. She calls me her best friend.. and means it. So I can back off a bit and get a better grip of my current emotional state. Being single at the moment doesn't help much either.... Best thing would be to find a girlfriend soon. Haven't had much luck finding anyone lately but I wonder if subconsciously I was holding out for this one. or even better.. See if I can use her as my wing girl. Edited June 22, 2010 by sumdude Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted June 28, 2010 Author Share Posted June 28, 2010 SH$#! I'm in too deep. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts