Looking for Love in all the Wrong Ways; or Why Liking is not Anathema to Loving

[moimeme]

People continue to be heavily invested in the idea of 'romantic love' as being THE only, true, genuine love.

 

Much of what we see on LS, from the theory of 'challenges' to the 'rules', is information geared to generate and foster romantic love, such as it is. The research on romantic love isn't all that encouraging, however. Here's a really interesting site that contrasts romantic love with lasting love (companionate love). I think the point that companionate love must arise from liking is one which bears repeating.

 

http://www.relationshipsandlove.com/goodstuff2.htm

 

The address is good; I've got it up in another IE but it doesn't seem to be working from LS.

[Samson]

This is an interesting link. Probably best visited by those Americans 15-25, (most confused by hormonal urges and resulting "romantic" love) and those older than this that haven't been completely defeated by the notion of romantic love. I call this latter category "The Lucky Few."

 

Although another link discusses the rare possibility that one might combine both "compasionate" and romantic love, I wonder how much this rarity is a function of culture. Essentially, in context, it seems to be rare because we are forced to love one person both ways: Why must this be an absolute? Why are we not allowed to love one person compassionately and another person romantically? Outside our own ridgid puritanical moral codes, there seems to be nothing preventing healthy adults from being able to maintain both types of loving relationships. In fact, the duality has been successful in other cultures.

[yes]

great link, moimeme. the notions of romantic vs. companionet(sp?) love are parallel to what i mean by bad boys vs. normal men (or fun vs. joy).

 

-yes

[Arabess]

What a coincidence you posted on this subject today. I recieved this in an email poem form.....and thought it was so excellent. I wanted to post it, but wasn't sure where it would fit. It seems to work well with the link on love you provided!

 

What really is love?

 

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing

And is your voice caught within your chest?

It isn't love, it's like.

 

You can't keep your eyes off of them,

Am I right?

It isn't love, it's lust.

 

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?

It isn't love, it's luck.

 

Do you want them because you know they're there?

It isn't love, it's loneliness.

 

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?

It isn't love, it's loyalty.

 

Do you stay for their confessions of love,

because you don't want to hurt them?

It isn't love, it's pity.

 

Do you belong to them because their sight makes you

heart skip a beat?

It isn't love, it's infatuation.

 

Are you there because they kissed you, or held you hand?

It isn't love, it's unconfidence.

 

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?

It isn't love, it's friendship.

 

Do you tell them everyday they are the only one you think of?

It isn't love, it's a lie.

 

Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for their sake?

It isn't love, it's charity.

 

But do you stay because a blinding,

incomprehensible mix of pain

and elation pulls you close and holds you?

 

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?

 

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?

 

Do you accept their faults because they're part of who they are?

 

Are you attracted to others,

but stay with them faithfully without regret?

 

Do their eyes see your true heart,

and touch you soul so deeply it hurts?

 

Would you give them your heart, your life,

your death?

 

Then it's LOVE......

[meanon]

Hi Samson/Arabess - you've both been missed!!!

 

Why are we not allowed to love one person compassionately and another person romantically? Outside our own rigid puritanical moral codes, there seems to be nothing preventing healthy adults from being able to maintain both types of loving relationships. In fact, the duality has been successful in other cultures

 

Marriage plays a different function in other cultures. Those that allow more than one wife tend also to be ones in which gender stereotypes are most rigid. So while this may work for the man , we tend to hear less from the women, particularly the older ones that get landed with the childcare and domestic responsibilities. That apart I agree with you to an extent - it all depend on your definition of that word "love". I hear of successful open relationships but I've never witnessed one. Close relationships with many separate, supportive, loving friends - now that makes for a happy marriage in my book.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for the link! I sent it on to Bunnyboy This is a subject about which I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, as our relationship matures and changes, and I also grow and change. Am planning to post about my recent thoughts...but have to finish some work first!