Hurting really badly - need support

[Treasa]

My boyfriend of six years (who's 31 and lives at home with his mom) broke up with me for the fourth time about five or six weeks ago.

 

We've been having friendly communications with each other (I know, my mistake), but today I wanted to know if we could ever try again. He wrote this long letter about how he hasn't been able to sleep since we broke up, and how difficult this has been for him, blah blah blah, but then I started to ask if we could just start anew, without the trust problems.

 

His last words to me were "I'm not certain if the feelings I had for you are still there. I know I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain that you're the one I want, as hurtful as that is."

 

He's only had two girlfriends before me, and they both broke up with him.

 

So I feel crushed and worthless and like I'm just not good enough.

[quankanne]

ah, kiddo *hugs*

 

you are NOT worthless, so dump that garbage from your mind. Instead, look at it as fulfilling the relationship the way it was meant to be. I know you wanted it to turn out differently, but for whatever reasons, this is not where you or he are meant to be.

 

try to focus on the good things you brought each other through the relationship, things that you lacked or that hadn't developed, things that are going to be appreciated by the next guy you trust your heart with.

 

it's okay to be sad, but don't trash yourself in the process. Love will find it's way to you when you least expect it. In the meantime, grow and learn from the love you shared with this guy ...

[Treasa]

He was just so hurtful to me. He blamed everything on me and never admitted anything was his fault. And I did so much for him and his friends and let him take the credit and look good.

[LoveTruthChaos]

He was just so hurtful to me. He blamed everything on me and never admitted anything was his fault. And I did so much for him and his friends and let him take the credit and look good.

 

Oh boy do these words ring true with me too! My ex knew what all my plans were in my life, how I do volunteer work with kids, how I'm going to be buying a house (on my own) soon, that I put my money in investment and I've been saving SO hard for a long time, my career aspriations, etc. He told me that I inspire him to get what he wants out of life. Keep in mind, he's the laziest person I ever met, and he's stuck in a rut at 41 years of age.

 

When he left me, he kept crapping on to his friends that he wanted to do charity work, buy a house, make his money 'grow' in a bank account, and go back to school and finish his diploma. And his friends praised him, like it was his idea! I was outraged! And he's using all those words (and words is all they are) to impress the girl he left me for.

 

We both just have to hope that our exes will come undone for taking all the credit for what we taught them *crosses fingers really hard*

[Star Gazer]

(who's 31 and lives at home with his mom)

 

He's not a man, T.

 

I know it hurts to be left by someone you gave your everything to. But there's something to be learned here.

 

If you make someone your everything, they can easily take it all away. If you make YOURSELF your everything, than no matter what happens, you'll be okay.

 

Take this time to reacquaint yourself with yourself. Call up some friends, family... make some new friends. Exercise! Running is GREAT for anger, yoga great to find peace. Find a new hobby.

 

Invest in YOU, or no one else will.

[whichwayisup]

My boyfriend of six years (who's 31 and lives at home with his mom) broke up with me for the fourth time about five or six weeks ago.

This is a huge red flag. I know you're hurting and all, but breaking up and getting back together so many times is proof that you two aren't a great match. you may love him alot and he may love you, but it doesn't mean you two are meant to be together. It's made you doubt his trust, (how many times can he break up with you before you feel insecure and be on edge wondering when it'll happen again..)

 

We've been having friendly communications with each other (I know, my mistake), but today I wanted to know if we could ever try again. He wrote this long letter about how he hasn't been able to sleep since we broke up, and how difficult this has been for him, blah blah blah, but then I started to ask if we could just start anew, without the trust problems.

 

It hurts. Even though he was the one breaking up with you, he was/is in pain as well. Ofcourse he cares about you, you've been in his life for a long time, it's not only you he misses, but what you shared together, the friends, the life you two had during those 6 years.

 

you two should not cling to one another and try to hang onto something that's been over for a while now. Love or not, sometimes things just don't work out.

 

His last words to me were "I'm not certain if the feelings I had for you are still there. I know I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain that you're the one I want, as hurtful as that is."

 

Sadly, see above about the clinging onto to eachother.

 

Atleast he's being honest with you. As painful as it is, he isn't being a jerk and lying to you.

 

He's only had two girlfriends before me, and they both broke up with him.

 

I'm not sure what this has to do with him breaking up with you.

 

Sadly, people change and feelings can change as times goes on. He has a right to end it and walk away if he feels he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Sorry I don't want to hurt you or make you feel worse.. Again, he is being honest with you..

 

So I feel crushed and worthless and like I'm just not good enough.

Feel sad, feel crushed, but DO NOT LET HIM or ANYONE make you feel like you're not good enough. Don't ever put yourself down!

 

Call a good friend and go spoil yourself. you need it badly! Do a spa day, get massages, pedicures, manicures, the whole works.

[BiAxident]

My boyfriend of six years (who's 31 and lives at home with his mom) broke up with me for the fourth time about five or six weeks ago.

 

So I feel crushed and worthless and like I'm just not good enough.

 

I would make a crack about a 31 year old living at home with his mother, but I'm not that far from that scenario. So, it isn't that you aren't good enough, it's that you aren't the right fit for this particular guy. Four breakups over a period of six years is probably a sign that it isn't going to work.

 

As scary as the prospect is, you would probably do best to focus on yourself (do some cardio, read some inspiring and positive books, learn an instrument). Remember, there are probably hundreds of people on this board who are afraid to throw themselves back out there (I'm one of them), but that means there are hundreds of thousands of people in the "real world" who are afraid to do the same. The world may not be as judgmental as you, or I, assume it will be.

[Treasa]

Thank you. I guess I'm sort of upset because this is a guy who's not only a narcissist (everything had to be his way or he pouted, screamed, whatever), but most girls would take one look at him and move on to the next guy.

 

He always wrote stories about a guy turning into a girl (and always a blonde), and then meeting this wonderful guy, and then they get married and have kids and it's all perfectly ideal. And he wasn't very interested in a sexual relationship with me.

 

In reality, he wasn't very romantic. He thought he was, but he mostly sought attention from people. The person he was closest to, me, got to see the real side of him. I almost always did the apologizing. He would act like he was the wounded hero, trudging on despite the odds. I did so much for him.

 

He couldn't handle conflict. Anything said to him that negative in any way made him either pout or have a temper tantrum or just pull away. It was always turned back around on me, even if I had already admitted my part of the problem.

 

*sigh*

 

And yet, here I am feeling worthless and like the next girl he meets is probably going to be "the one" for him, despite how unlikely it seems, given everything about him.

[LoveTruthChaos]

In reality, he wasn't very romantic. He thought he was, but he mostly sought attention from people. The person he was closest to, me, got to see the real side of him. I almost always did the apologizing. He would act like he was the wounded hero, trudging on despite the odds. I did so much for him.

 

He couldn't handle conflict. Anything said to him that negative in any way made him either pout or have a temper tantrum or just pull away. It was always turned back around on me, even if I had already admitted my part of the problem.

 

*sigh*

 

And yet, here I am feeling worthless and like the next girl he meets is probably going to be "the one" for him, despite how unlikely it seems, given everything about him.

 

Either we are the same person, or we have the same Ex

[Treasa]

Did yours tell you he wasn't going to break up with you again, tell you he loved you and couldn't wait to see you, and then BAM broke up with you that very same night?

 

He did that all four times. All four times over a minor incident that he would stew about, not discuss with me, and then suddenly just dump me.

 

He likes to play the wounded hero, the good guy who just kept doing for others. Honestly, he did things for people to either impress them or to get something out of them. He was charming in social situations and would ignore me completely, but I was the one he'd vent to about everything. I got all the crap.

 

He'd badmouth most of his friends for some reason or another behind their backs.

 

He never once called me beautiful. He would at most say that I am cute. When he told stories, even if he wasn't the primary focus, he would make himself the primary focus. It was always about him, him, him.

 

My mom said I always hid my own inner light whenever he was around. I'm starting to know what she meant by that.

 

We could only go to restaurants he wanted to go to or liked. I would go with him to social functions he wanted to go to, but he almost never, ever went to a social function I wanted to go to.

 

One time, just a couple of years ago, I was at his house, and his mom was making breadsticks for dinner for the two of them. She asked if I wanted some as well. I said sure, and my boyfriend (ex now) STOMPED into the basement and sat on the basement floor in the dark pouting because he didn't think there'd be enough.

 

And yet, why am I hurting so badly??

[quankanne]

because you were emotionally and mentally abused by this guy, to a point where you still feel you are responsible for giving him the best of you ... think about it: He kept you around because he realized he had this kind of control over you, and he never once had to reciprocate the depth of love you gave.

 

don't let him get away with it any longer by holding on to those feelings of inadequacy or by thinking you could have done something to make the outcome different.

 

he's incredibly flawed and chooses to remain that way ... you deserve WAY better than what he can give you.

[Treasa]

Thank you, Quankanne. But why is it so hard for me to see him as abusive (and I'm certain he didn't realize it) when I can also think of a lot of good times as well? I keep thinking of all the sweet things he did for me, and how he'd call me every night, etc.

 

And I keep thinking if only I didn't have so many flaws, if only I was prettier, blonder, more perfect, maybe he'd still want me. Maybe if I hadn't ever criticized anything he did...

 

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm the one who has it together - I'm the one with the good job, I'm the one with ambition, I'm the one who's compassionate and gives to others, etc., but all I can see is the rejection.

 

Or it alternates to nightmares of him finding this perfect, ideal, blonde woman with no flaws who's going to live happily ever after with him. Even though he's a closeted trans-gender. It's just messed me up so badly. If he had been clearly abusive, or physically abusive in any way, I would have beat his ass. But this is so subtle that I don't even realize it.

[quankanne]

this is so subtle that I don't even realize it

 

which is precisely why emotional abuse is considered a silent abuse ... how does someone out that? He's going to build you up, then beat you down, just to keep control over you. Of course you're going to have good memories, but you shouldn't let them blind you to the fact that you were with an abuser!

 

frankly, your worry about him finding someone "better" than you? Only way it's going to be "better" for him is if he's completely successful at keeping the new woman under his submission. It's not the normal "he loves someone new now," but a sick, twisted new chapter of his abuse.

 

Even though he's a closeted trans-gender. ummmm ... not sure what you mean by that ... does he dress up like a woman? Or did he have a sex-change operation that no one knows about, and went from woman to man? Do you think this is why he is so cruel to others, because of having to keep this a secret and they know?

[Treasa]

I'm the only one who knows about the trans-gender thing. No one else he knows knows about it. He's not trans-gender and doesn't dress up in women's clothing (I offered to help him if it would make him happy), but he's absolutely obsessed with trans-gender fiction/captioned sites (he looks at at least five sites a night), and writes a LOT of fantasy stories about a male being magically turned into a female, finding a wonderful man who's perfect, and them having a perfect love, sex, and life together.

 

Either that or he writes stories about someone like Tony Stark (Ironman) finding a perfect blonde, marrying her, having perfect superhero kids, and everyone in the family is just perfect.

 

He also told me he never fantasized about me, but only fantasized about the characters in his stories or stories he read.

[Treasa]

I just wanted to thank every single person who responded and gave me your insight.