Carrier and Relationship

[Cindy]

My boyfriend and I had a pretty serious relationship and talked about spending the life together. I was upset when he decided to accept a good job in another city without considering my opinion, saying I was leaving school soon so there's no point for him to stick around. So he left and I was looking for position around his city, which was not a good place for my job.

 

I did not have much luck and only got some lausy offers there, but at the meantime very good one in other places. It was a very great postdoc position for the beginning of my carrier and I thoguht he could understand it since he made similar decision earlier. It was 10 months ago and since I sensed his attitute to me changed. He was cold and inpatient when we were together and after I came here for the postdoc position, we stopped contacts.

 

To me and my friends, he was self-centered because he chose whatever he likes and assumed I would follow him without asking me. When I made my choice, he somehow punished me by his coldness and the break-up

 

because I did not give up my carrier to go to his place.

 

I think both of us are self-centered and have been upset with the choices of each other. But now when I looked back, I felt he was a nice person and regreted to lose him over the job. I found I did not enjoy the job very much after all, and feel very lonely in the new city, although I regained some of my independence and some characters which were repressed by him. I wished we could be back together and I'd like to give up the carrier to be with him. I have the urge to get married right away. Am I just trapped in the sadness of loss and the loneliness? Did I did something wrong and did not compromise enough to keep a relationship working? I am lost.. Where is the balance of carrier and relationship for women?

[Tony T]

He has serious maturity problems but some people never grow up. Your move was a positive one because you have learned a lot about yourself and what you want in life. You have also learned a lot about your guy because when he doesn't get his way, he ceases contact with you.

 

My hunch is that you are a very sweet person and deserve someone that is going to be a lot more compromising. Lonely times are some of the most creative for us individually and we learn a lot about ourselves during that time. Take adbantage of this.

 

As you grow, you will attract more suitable friends and potential marriage partners into your life. Give up the idea of having to get married right away. That is pretty insane unless you've been told you have only a limited time to live. Take your time to find a person who is exactly right for you. Making a lifelong committment to someone is a pretty serious matter.

 

The communication you had with your old boyfriend was very poor. If he truly loved you he would have made you part of his decision making process and he would have kept in close contact with you. GET THE HINT AND LOOK FOR SOMEONE WHO WILL BE A LOT MORE ATTENTIVE TO YOU.

 

The loneliness will go away in time and you'll be just fine.

[billy the kid]

Hey I am a down to earth fellow, so I am going to be blunt, first was he planning on taking care of you financially,emotionally for the rest of your life??? If yes then you should have moved with him.. if not you made the right decission and should move on with your life..and no I can not spell worth a darn.. but I try...I might be considered old fashioned but I believe the man should support the family and leave the mother at home with the childeren when possiable as long as it is aggreeable on both sides., and he makes enough to do this..

My boyfriend and I had a pretty serious relationship and talked about spending the life together. I was upset when he decided to accept a good job in another city without considering my opinion, saying I was leaving school soon so there's no point for him to stick around. So he left and I was looking for position around his city, which was not a good place for my job. I did not have much luck and only got some lausy offers there, but at the meantime very good one in other places. It was a very great postdoc position for the beginning of my carrier and I thoguht he could understand it since he made similar decision earlier. It was 10 months ago and since I sensed his attitute to me changed. He was cold and inpatient when we were together and after I came here for the postdoc position, we stopped contacts. To me and my friends, he was self-centered because he chose whatever he likes and assumed I would follow him without asking me. When I made my choice, he somehow punished me by his coldness and the break-up because I did not give up my carrier to go to his place. I think both of us are self-centered and have been upset with the choices of each other. But now when I looked back, I felt he was a nice person and regreted to lose him over the job. I found I did not enjoy the job very much after all, and feel very lonely in the new city, although I regained some of my independence and some characters which were repressed by him. I wished we could be back together and I'd like to give up the carrier to be with him. I have the urge to get married right away. Am I just trapped in the sadness of loss and the loneliness? Did I did something wrong and did not compromise enough to keep a relationship working? I am lost.. Where is the balance of carrier and relationship for women?

[Cindy]

Thanks Tony,

 

When this first happened, I was upset because he was selfish. But then after a while, especially after I experienced the lonliness here and lost contact with him, I learned he was still a decent guy expect the self-centerness. And I could reasoned that he must have felt hurt when I chose to come to this better job instead of living with him as we/he planned.

 

He always argued before, when I complained about his decision to go to his current job, that he did not have to stay there forever, as long as I could find a job I like and he would consider to relocate. Then, I found my next job for next year in San Diego, which he could not complain much with the great weather, and job opportunities. Then it becomes another reason he thinks I am only chasing my carrier. Then he said it was just obvious we were enable to be together like this since he NOW has to stay in his place almost permanently. Therefore I felt a bit cheated that he seemed pretty negociable in the first place when he chose his own job. When it comes to my turn, he just changed his word.

 

And I missed the time when we were together and planning the future. He was a nice partner and we did a lot together. I somehow felt it was my fault to fail this relationship and to disappoint him.

 

I realized there is no perfect mate in the world, and he, though not perfect at all, is good enough. I am approaching 30 and felt the pressure that my chance to find a better partner is getting less and less. I have enjoy the singlehood long enough and experience the happiness and loneliness that came alone. I think it's time to move on to have a family life. Probably I should have compromised and have moved to him at the first place.