Assertive behavior

[Tres]

I was told that I was not a fighter on several occasions by people close to me. In other words, they disapproved my behavior because they thought that I did not fight enough for what I needed. I personally could not see the point of fighting in those situations and I thought that I did everything reasonable that I could.

But, it is true that I am too direct and open when it comes to my behavior. I do lack the ability to manipulate people to get what I want. Many people get what they want by careful manipulation which is the way how those people fight for their rights. I would love to develop the ability but I guess it is a special talent.

 

Why do people want that other people challenge/fight with them?

What is the satisfaction of the behavioral fight for them?

 

How can I learn to be manipulative and be a fighter with other people?

(I mean a fighter for my wants and rights).

 

What kind of behavior do they expect from me when they expect me to fight with them?

[SouthernSunshine]

Okaaay.. umm, yeah! You wanna learn how to argue with people to impress them? You're interested in playing mind games? So you're asking LS for tips on manipulating people to argue with you?? :confused:

[Tres]

Okaaay.. umm, yeah! You wanna learn how to argue with people to impress them? You're interested in playing mind games? So you're asking LS for tips on manipulating people to argue with you?? :confused:

 

Not argue at all, but stand up for your rights and needs. I do not want to impress people. I just want to survive in the world where people are naturally competative and at some reasonable degree manipulative when it needed. There are nothing wrong in playing mind games in some situations, for example, when you are dealing with other people who are normaly playing mind games at your work and who do expect you to do the same.

[Ronni_W]

Tres,

Your nature does not sound as if it is "manipulative", nor does it sound like you much value manipulative tactics. So, you're not likely to be very successful if you tell yourself that you need to be and act like that. (It will be you trying to go against your own nature/basic instincts and, even if you manage it, you will feel icky about yourself: inauthentic, off-balance, without integrity, guilty, like a jerk, etc.)

 

Try, instead, to think in terms of having to learn/master effective negotiation and assertive communication skills. Neither has anything to do with trying to control outcomes through manipulation or use of forceful argument. As well, you'd want to add active listening and conflict resolution skills to your arsenal of effective life tools.

 

These skills are as important to your relationship success and to your professional success.

 

There are a couple of books that look promising (I haven't read either, though):

~ 'Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In' by Roger Fisher

~ 'Bargaining for Advantage: Negotiation Strategies for Reasonable People' by G. Richard Shell

 

Wishing you successfully negotiated, happy outcomes!

[Tayla]

Thanks Ronni for those suggestive Reads!!!

 

I totally get the concept folks are relaying to Tres. There is a huge difference with *arguing* to defend your honor and seeking resolutions to matters.

At our work place we are told incessantly *choose* your battles. Well most folks just have not the effort to even battle things out, why is that? In the end it was never a battle to begin with. It was a difference in approach.

 

I personally ( and this is years later!!!!) still see-saw between passive, assertive and sometimes aggressive. All based on the circumstance and how its presented. So its never really a balanced assertive act, its finding what you will yield to, what is worthy of standing ground for and sometimes what is okay to hightail away from for sanity sake And that takes much practice and a wee LOT of wisdom to assess the matter. Best to you in changing the pattern..

[jean-luc sisko]

Assertiveness simply means stating what one wants in a confident and non-aggressive manner.

 

In work you have to be diplomatic.

 

But outside work, who cares? Anything goes, so be rude and abrasive.

[Taramere]

Anything goes, so be rude and abrasive.

 

Shut your garlic-hole, froggie.

[GrayClouds]

I was told that I was not a fighter on several occasions by people close to me. In other words, they disapproved my behavior because they thought that I did not fight enough for what I needed. I personally could not see the point of fighting in those situations and I thought that I did everything reasonable that I could.

But, it is true that I am too direct and open when it comes to my behavior. I do lack the ability to manipulate people to get what I want. Many people get what they want by careful manipulation which is the way how those people fight for their rights. I would love to develop the ability but I guess it is a special talent.

 

Why do people want that other people challenge/fight with them?

What is the satisfaction of the behavioral fight for them?

 

How can I learn to be manipulative and be a fighter with other people?

(I mean a fighter for my wants and rights).

 

What kind of behavior do they expect from me when they expect me to fight with them?

 

There is manipulative and then there is persuasive . Being persuasive is being forceful with your point of view while keeping others interest in mind and getting them to see that it is in their interest too. Manipulation does the same with no care of others interest but just about getting your way.

 

Often people what to know you are passionate and truly believe your point of view, for if your not committed to it, why should they be. Being passive, giving up to easily can be perceived as disinterest or simply not really believing in your point of view.

 

Like anything, the more you practice it the better you get. There is some good book that teaches persuasive selling, thought the principles are the same in all areas in life.

Edited June 26, 2010 by GrayClouds