Baffled, a FB incident

[BubbleFreak]

I have this guy who I had been friends with for 11 years and we used to talk almost every day on MSN (because we live in different cities now). We were good friends. He had a breakup with his gf of 2 years, then a month later he suddenly got a new gf (who he met online and was coming to visit him). I was happy for him and added the girl on FB because I knew she was going to be visiting my home town also and I wanted to get to know her.

 

When she confirmed me as a friend and I looked at her FB statuses, I realised she was racist. She hugged a random asian guy, then got angry at him for responding negatively (probably told her to get lost) and then she declared all asians lack the ability to show affection. So I made a comment on her FB that actually it probably wasn't the most appropriate thing to do.

 

And then my friend had a display message where someone asked if he was gay. And I commented that it would be ok if he was gay, and if the girl he met online actually turned out to be a guy, I would not like him any less.

 

He also commented that he needs a second job on top of his full time job to support his "mail order bride", as she labelled herself. So I went along with it and said something along the lines of "lol you need a second job because you're paying for blowjobs" I was joking.

 

Anyways, she deleted me from FB and accused me of causing drama between her and her new bf. I'm like wtf. Also she went on a big rant about how I am trying to break them up or something... So, I told my friend (now ex friend) that I wasn't going to be a part of this new episode in his life. And I blocked/deleted him from MSN and FB.

 

What do you think? Did I do something wrong?

[BubbleFreak]

Can someone please say something? And you can be honest, I want to know what you think.

 

It's bugging me because she is continuing to go on and on about me in regards to those three points I mentioned, but now exxagerating the facts.

[LivingInMomsBasement]

Honestly....and not to be mean....but maybe you stuck your nose in where it didn't belong. The "comment" button on FB unfortunately does not have a "are you sure you want to post this" feature. Not knowing her very well means she does not know how to take your posts. Her being racist is not your problem.... I would bet the relationship does not last....hopefully you can repair your friendship in the future. I would send an email to the friend that is a heart felt apology....and then forget it for now. I typed up a long message for my boyfriends best friend (who is a woman) asking for opinions, etc. Never meant to send it...but, oops....it was sent. She has never replied and I don't think she mentioned anything to him....but now I have to see her this weekend and I feel funny. I plan to simply apologize for making her feel uncomfortable. Good luck....

[BubbleFreak]

Thanks for your comment. And yes I agree that I should've just stayed out of my ex friend's new love life. I guess I wanted to show interest in it was because he couldn't stop talking about her so naturally I wanted to know more about her. But we clashed. And it has nothing more to do with me.

[StarrySkyBlue]

Did your friend have a go at you about the whole thing or did you just decide it was too much drama and just deleted/blocked him? Also, were you a little jealous because of the attention he was giving her? I'm not suggesting that you like him more than a friend, but it's normal to be jealous when your friends suddenly have someone important in their lives and the 'friendship territory' is disturbed.

 

I know you probably felt very comfortable with this guy and jokes like that were acceptable between you, but his gf would have perceived it as a threat. I'd probably think my bf's friend hated me too if the first thing they posted on my FB wall was something negative. I think you should try to fix the friendship and explain to him how you didn't mean to cause trouble in their relationship. It's a pity that after knowing each other for so long it would end over something like that.

 

I hope it works out!

[BubbleFreak]

Did your friend have a go at you about the whole thing or did you just decide it was too much drama and just deleted/blocked him? Also, were you a little jealous because of the attention he was giving her? I'm not suggesting that you like him more than a friend, but it's normal to be jealous when your friends suddenly have someone important in their lives and the 'friendship territory' is disturbed.

 

I know you probably felt very comfortable with this guy and jokes like that were acceptable between you, but his gf would have perceived it as a threat. I'd probably think my bf's friend hated me too if the first thing they posted on my FB wall was something negative. I think you should try to fix the friendship and explain to him how you didn't mean to cause trouble in their relationship. It's a pity that after knowing each other for so long it would end over something like that.

 

I hope it works out!

 

He didn't say a single thing about it the whole time, and still hasn't. I mean, he still has my number, but hasn't called and I doubt he ever will. It was me that decided it was too much drama and broke off the friendship with him.

 

I'm not jealous at all that he found a new gf. In our adult years more often than not he has been in a relationship. I have only ever seen him as a platonic friend, nothing more, though a few times in the past he has tried to flirt but I have always shut him down each time.

 

Yah I could joke to him about all sorts of stuff with no problem, and he has never told me I have crossed any lines, so I had no idea there was any problem until his new gf exploded with all sorts of nastyness about me. I often don't realise I do/say socially inappropriate things without someone telling me, I've always been like that. My ex friend knew that, and he could've at least explained it to his new gf, but obviously he hasn't and she thinks I am being deliberately malicious.

 

Anyways, a best friend told me that when people only see snipbits of each other and not the bigger picture, people can misjudge. Well, the snipbit of her that I've seen I don't like- visiting Australia and the first day already saying how far more superior American plumbing is and no wonder Australia has a water shortage... I mean, wtf. Is she the only one that can say negative things? Hypocrite, but whatever, I don't want to dwell on it.

 

Don't really want to be his friend anymore either.

[bunnixkisses]

Put yourself in their shoes.

 

Let's say you have a brand new bf...and some RANDOM girl starts talking to you and making comments on your FB and stuff? Although YOUR gestures were trying to be sweet..she may have took them as if you were trying to mark your territory, or make sure she knows how important he is to you. Not saying this is how she felt..but it's very very common. Also... she doesn't know you, nor your sense of humor. So if you were kidding about something...she probably had no idea. The racism comment? You probably shouldnt have said anything. You don't know the girl..and she doesn't know you..so when you start commenting on her opinions negativley, she has a right to get offended.

 

My opinion...chaulk it up as a lesson learned. Your BFF's new chick is a stuck up, naggy girlfriend...but it's NOTHING to lose a long term friend for. TRUST ME! As soon as he realizes how bitchy she is...he'll dump her.and he'll need you to pick up the peices!

[BubbleFreak]

Put yourself in their shoes.

 

Let's say you have a brand new bf...and some RANDOM girl starts talking to you and making comments on your FB and stuff? Although YOUR gestures were trying to be sweet..she may have took them as if you were trying to mark your territory, or make sure she knows how important he is to you. Not saying this is how she felt..but it's very very common. Also... she doesn't know you, nor your sense of humor. So if you were kidding about something...she probably had no idea. The racism comment? You probably shouldnt have said anything. You don't know the girl..and she doesn't know you..so when you start commenting on her opinions negativley, she has a right to get offended.

 

My opinion...chaulk it up as a lesson learned. Your BFF's new chick is a stuck up, naggy girlfriend...but it's NOTHING to lose a long term friend for. TRUST ME! As soon as he realizes how bitchy she is...he'll dump her.and he'll need you to pick up the peices!

 

Thanks for your honest opinion. I do have a lot of problems empathising, I am aware of this and often need people to point things out to me, even if it seems obvious to others. Seriously, if I had a test for EQ I'd be below average or worse. You're right, and just like another poster said, it was none of my business. I have often been told I need to not be so blunt when I talk and use more tact, or just simply don't say out loud what I am thinking.

 

I had talked to her on MSN before the FB adding. Actually, it went like this. My friend and I were talking about something and I was explaining something, suddenly he added me into a three way convo with her, my internet disconnected right after I finished what I was saying and said "hi" so really I had appeared to be online but really I wasn't, and when I came online again my friend told me his gf had concluded I hated her. Pft! and what the?! I can't understand her thinking, she seems so crazy.

 

I was angry at my friend (ex friend) because he didn't bother to stick up for me, but I also didn't want to put him in a situation where he had to choose me or her, so I decided to just end it. Maybe I will feel differently about it down the track but right now I just don't care if he talks to me again or not. He seems so weak, so easily moulded by a new girl in his life, and it's not a trait I respect.

[Pink_orchid]

You sound jealous to me BF!

 

Otherwise you wouldn't be so worked up about it!

 

Most people would just think 'Hey that's good, XXXX (insert your friend's name), has a new GF, so he's not going to be spending quite so much time giving attention to me, but hey, that's cool.'

 

You would not be in such a state otherwise. Examine your real feelings for this guy. And what it is that's making you react like this. L-U-R-V-E me thinks.

[BubbleFreak]

You sound jealous to me BF!

 

Otherwise you wouldn't be so worked up about it!

 

Most people would just think 'Hey that's good, XXXX (insert your friend's name), has a new GF, so he's not going to be spending quite so much time giving attention to me, but hey, that's cool.'

 

You would not be in such a state otherwise. Examine your real feelings for this guy. And what it is that's making you react like this. L-U-R-V-E me thinks.

 

No, that's not the case at all.

[BubbleFreak]

I was more worked up about the girl's sudden attacks on me. No, I did not realise I was offending her at the time, and so it came as a surprise to me.

 

Worked up about how she is wrongly accusing me of things. If someone accused you of something (no matter what it was) and it was wrong, but continued to go on about it, I'm sure you would get defensive too.

 

Anyways, I've already moved on from this.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your comment. And yes I agree that I should've just stayed out of my ex friend's new love life. I guess I wanted to show interest in it was because he couldn't stop talking about her so naturally I wanted to know more about her. But we clashed. And it has nothing more to do with me.

 

You don't know her at all, haven't officially met yet, so you shouldn't have made ANY comments on her page or under her photo's. If anything, you should have sent her a message and told her how you were looking forward to meeting her.

 

Now, she's overreacted over the comments, but still, she doesn't know you or your intentions (even though you weren't trying to cause problems.).

[BubbleFreak]

You don't know her at all, haven't officially met yet, so you shouldn't have made ANY comments on her page or under her photo's. If anything, you should have sent her a message and told her how you were looking forward to meeting her.

 

Now, she's overreacted over the comments, but still, she doesn't know you or your intentions (even though you weren't trying to cause problems.).

 

I totally get it. And I'll know for next time not to make the same mistake again. I guess I was just lucky that the last time I did the same thing (and became friends with his ex) we actually got along quite well.

[amerikajin]

The problem is the girl doesn't know you, and she can't be sure that you're just a "friend." So when you bring up the sexual innuendo then she's naturally going to get territorial and try to cut you out of the picture. If you can swallow your pride, just apologize to her directly and say you were joking and thought that she knew it was just a harmless joke.

 

That said, I'm not really sure this is a friend I would care about losing. However, she could be a wedge between you and your male friend, although it's natural for there to be greater distance once a romance starts.

[Lipsy10]

Im sorry but your totally out of order here. Just think about it, if some stranger adds you on facebook and then starts posting negitive comments on your page then of course your not going to like them!

 

I think you both may have got the wrong impression of each other. You can't judge somebody solely on their facebook page.

 

As for blocking/deleting your male friend, WTF??? YOU caused all this drama not him. Why should he call you when you blocked him over something that is really nothing to do with him. Your his friend, shes his girlfriend. So what? That doesn't mean he has to get involved in your drama.

 

Bottom line you don't like his gf. You don't have to. You don't live in the same area so its not like your gonna bump into her all the time. I think you owe your friend an apology.

[Art_Critic]

Anyways, she deleted me from FB and accused me of causing drama between her and her new bf. I'm like wtf.

 

Well... that is exactly what you were doing and she was right to unfriend you.

 

If you didn't like who she was then you should have just unfriended her instead of mucking up things with inappropriate posts to their wall.

 

The world is full of people who might not fit your own preference of friends in real life and FB should mirror that IMO..

You have to be able to understand that people are different and have different views and draw your own boundaries as to friends..

[BubbleFreak]

I already did apologise to her directly. I apologised the first time she called me a bitch and I only just realised I'd done something wrong. She didn't accept my apology.

 

Let me make it clear, the only negative thing I said on her FB page was that "maybe it wasn't appropriate to hug a stranger". That's it. I posted a few positive things too but obviously it didn't matter to her.

 

The other two things she got angry about I posted on my friend's FB page, and he could have told me it wasn't appropriate. I didn't know I was crossing any lines when this, including some sexual jokes, is how we have talked to each other for the past 11 years. And he knows I have problems with saying/doing socially inappropriate things.

 

How many times do I have to say this? I admit I was wrong to add her on FB and post a negative comment on her page and I already apologised. I have moved on from this. I've learnt all I need to know from this thread.

[BubbleFreak]

Oh, just want to add one more thing. Another mutual friend (a guy) also commented on FB in similar ways to me, but she said nothing about that. So yes it makes sense she sees me as a threat simply because I am a girl, even though I really I did not mean to come across that way at all. Someone who posted here had a good idea about just sending a private message and introducing myself and saying something nice when I want to make friends with new people. Also someone else had a good idea that if I simply don't like someone, just remove them from FB without telling them what I think. Also yes I think that what may be funny for me may not be funny for everyone else, and that's something I have to be careful about.

[Meaplus3]

I swear FB is just posion for people. Sorry you got caught up in all this drama. Be glad the person deleted you.. because you don't need a person like that in your life. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

[BubbleFreak]

I swear FB is just posion for people. Sorry you got caught up in all this drama. Be glad the person deleted you.. because you don't need a person like that in your life. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

 

Thanks Mea

[dispatch3d]

"He also commented that he needs a second job on top of his full time job to support his "mail order bride", as she labelled herself. So I went along with it and said something along the lines of "lol you need a second job because you're paying for blowjobs" I was joking."

 

So wait - how would you feel in her situation. You're dating some guy, and one of his "friends" calls you a hooker on facebook where MOST if not ALL of his good friends can see + possibly some of his family. Then you act all baffled she's angry because you were "just joking"? Seriously?

 

If I was him I would have deleted your comment from my wall and asked you not to post anymore jokes there. But hey me and you wouldn't be friends to begin with (anyone who says disrespectful jokes like that towards me/a girlfriend/a good friend of mine wouldn't be considered a friend)...

[BubbleFreak]

So wait - how would you feel in her situation. You're dating some guy, and one of his "friends" calls you a hooker on facebook where MOST if not ALL of his good friends can see + possibly some of his family. Then you act all baffled she's angry because you were "just joking"? Seriously?

 

If I was him I would have deleted your comment from my wall and asked you not to post anymore jokes there. But hey me and you wouldn't be friends to begin with (anyone who says disrespectful jokes like that towards me/a girlfriend/a good friend of mine wouldn't be considered a friend)...

 

Anytime I made a joke like that on MSN he would laugh and throw one back. He did not tell me to stop posting on his FB page. Our interactions had consisted of fun put downs and I did not realise I had crossed the line until his gf called me a bitch. He told me on MSN that his gf had called herself a mail order bride and that sexual favours were needed to pay back some sort of debt. I now know what I said wrong (making a joke of their reality on FB) and I have already apologised to them.

[redmelon]

inappropriate: yes.

funny: yes.

[dispatch3d]

Anytime I made a joke like that on MSN he would laugh and throw one back. He did not tell me to stop posting on his FB page. Our interactions had consisted of fun put downs and I did not realise I had crossed the line until his gf called me a bitch. He told me on MSN that his gf had called herself a mail order bride and that sexual favours were needed to pay back some sort of debt. I now know what I said wrong (making a joke of their reality on FB) and I have already apologised to them.

 

The reason jokes like these even happen is people don't always set clear boundaries. This guy clearly doesn't set any. With me you would know you are WAYYY over the line. His girlfriend sets boundaries on what's acceptable to joke about and what isn't. You were obviously wayyyy over her line, and rightfully so. In the future don't set your boundaries according to when people finally get upset with you. That's much too late. Set them at some normal level (hint: you are way over 90% of peoples line, even if they are too chicken **** to tell you).

 

Saying "Well he knows I'm socially awkward like this sometimes!" isn't helping things. Figure out where you **** up socially and why and fix it. It's not that tough.

 

I also realize the context of these things would also be in your favour (and it is). Still doesn't make it right.

 

Anyhow best of luck in the future!

Edited July 6, 2010 by dispatch3d

[Lucky_One]

He also commented that he needs a second job on top of his full time job to support his "mail order bride", as she labelled herself. So I went along with it and said something along the lines of "lol you need a second job because you're paying for blowjobs" I was joking.

 

You may have thought you were joking, but you made a huge implication that his new GF was a paid hooker. If I were the new GF, I would block you, and I would also believe that you were doing nothing but trying to cause trouble in my new R, and I would probably believe that you were jealous, as well as impulsive and jump to conclusions. My sex life isn't something that I want to see random strangers posting about on FB.

 

As for your belief that she is racist, you don't even know her. She made a snap blanket comment on FB, and you have taken it to mean something about her that may or may not be true - and you took her to task on it publicly. After all, if she is racist, she wouldn't have hugged an Asian man, nor would she have been upset about a negative reaction.