The Sex Part

[Mombot]

My MM and I really enjoy the sex together- have been with other men after my H died, and I must say, he is smokin' hot. Very passionate, had that before but it's been a long time.

[White Flower]

Thanks for saying how I feel. We felt.

 

Sex is always bland compared. I wouldn't have known what you meant two years ago.

 

I don't think I will get it again. Which makes getting over a whole new phenomenon.

A lot of people will say that the phenomenon is related to the secrecy but as I said before, BTDT, and after the first time it cannot be exciting anymore, at least for me.

 

What was more phenominal than secret sex was that the sex itself was phenominal each and every time. I don't remember ONCE being bored or disappointed. Those are pretty good odds.

[JustJoe]

Yes, wonderful sex with some very wonderful women. I've been lucky, to have had LTR's with 2 women and a few "lost weekends", with others.

[Silly_Girl]

I never had any complaints before xMM (or from xMM I hasten to add ), and I used to have lots of fun with my ex, but it was the intimacy between xMM and I, things I'd maybe done on auto-pilot, or just not bothered with for various reasons, all of a sudden it was a whole new level. It made me think seriously about tantric... I want more of that please!!

 

I have no serious hopes I'll find exactly that again, but I hope for similar in terms of how powerful. I think some of it was the dynamic... I'd left a very sexual and volatile relationship, he'd had no sex life to speak of for over 10 years. 'Twas a good combination.

[Ellin]

Thanks guys. Skylar, I think you're right; the forbidden nature is part of the excitement. It's illicit and thrilling.

 

Maybe I'm just weird but I could never understand how the secrecy makes sex more exciting. To me it's off-putting.

 

Sorry, I don't mind to hijack your thread but seriously, how is it exciting?

 

I wouldn't even like sex with a man who is in a committed sexual R with someone else.

[skywriter]

Sorry Ellin, that I cannot explain it to you.

 

From this experience I think that if I hadn't been through it, I'd have said the same things that you do. "I would never", "How can you feel that way?" and so forth. As a matter of fact I did say, "I would never".

 

...and I said, I "wonder", if it was the secrecy.

 

...also, I am no longer involved with a MM, because it really wasn't the type of person I choose to be and I deserve someone that's proud of me and visa versa.

 

Good Day...

[jj33]

Ellin I think you are missing a key point. Most APs beleive that while hte WS may be committed they are not in a sexual relatoinship with the spouse during the A.

 

Whether or not that is true varies but that is generally the belief (or that they have sex with the spouse occasionally so as to avoid suspicion).

 

Personally the secrecy was never a great thing from my perspective. I hated lying to friends about what I was doing half the time. Fortunately for him he didnt have to lie to his spouse really

[Fieldsofgold]

This positive approach (bolded) is certainly more appealing than pessimism. I would offer, too, an oberservation I came across -- that the good feelings we experience with our most fulfilling partner(s) do not originate from the partner, but are in fact our own and arise from within us.

 

From that idea, I concluded OK, as one is not likely ever to run out of a supply of emotions to feel, I know that feeling those wonderful feelings again is entirely possible even without that particular person. Meeting the right new partner to share with is just a matter of time and circumstance.

 

I totally agree with this statement. I've experienced that "chemistry" more than once, and I know it comes from within me. I also agree with what someone else said, that an experience can create, or represent a change or turning point within yourself, which can change the whole direction of future relationships. I have experienced that, as well. Once I experienced that awakening, I stayed awake! And that significant change in me was the result of an emotional relationship that was never physical. It just caused me to get in touch with a lot of feelings that were buried deep inside.

 

What I really long for now is the DTD relationship, where we start our day enjoying the sunrise over steaming cups of tea, and end our day with a moonlight walk after dinner, lying in bed talking, and just sharing all levels of intimacy - every day.

[Ellin]

Sorry Ellin, that I cannot explain it to you.

 

From this experience I think that if I hadn't been through it, I'd have said the same things that you do. "I would never", "How can you feel that way?" and so forth. As a matter of fact I did say, "I would never".

 

...and I said, I "wonder", if it was the secrecy.

 

...also, I am no longer involved with a MM, because it really wasn't the type of person I choose to be and I deserve someone that's proud of me and visa versa.

 

Good Day...

 

Skywriter, don't get me wrong as being judgemental. I don't judge anyone because I'm not above any other person.

 

I just mean it's not nice to be intimate with someone who's also intimate with someone else. And the secrecy wouldn't be exciting because it means I don't get the R I deserve (which is partly the case with me now, anyway), if it has to be hidden.

 

I asked because I've heard so many times that people get a kick out of illicit affairs, just because they're having the "forbidden fruit".

 

But I believe that the emotions OW/OM are going through are stronger because their AP is unavailable. If we can't have something all we think about is how we want it. But if we can have it, we can better see all the positive and negative sides to it.

[Ellin]

This positive approach (bolded) is certainly more appealing than pessimism. I would offer, too, an oberservation I came across -- that the good feelings we experience with our most fulfilling partner(s) do not originate from the partner, but are in fact our own and arise from within us.

 

From that idea, I concluded OK, as one is not likely ever to run out of a supply of emotions to feel, I know that feeling those wonderful feelings again is entirely possible even without that particular person. Meeting the right new partner to share with is just a matter of time and circumstance.

 

Hi MC! That is a great post! I never thought of that in such a simple way, but it's absolutely right. And it's so empowering! Thank you.

[Fieldsofgold]

Skywriter, don't get me wrong as being judgemental. I don't judge anyone because I'm not above any other person.

 

I just mean it's not nice to be intimate with someone who's also intimate with someone else. And the secrecy wouldn't be exciting because it means I don't get the R I deserve (which is partly the case with me now, anyway), if it has to be hidden.

 

I asked because I've heard so many times that people get a kick out of illicit affairs, just because they're having the "forbidden fruit".

 

But I believe that the emotions OW/OM are going through are stronger because their AP is unavailable. If we can't have something all we think about is how we want it. But if we can have it, we can better see all the positive and negative sides to it.

 

They say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder;" and, "familiarity breeds contempt." I think those old sayings stuck around because there's a lot of truth to them.

 

It's so easy to idealize someone when they aren't around all the time. But the day-in-day-out living together, where our true selves are eventually revealed - that's another story. That's when you find out if the dog will hunt.

[Silly_Girl]

But I believe that the emotions OW/OM are going through are stronger because their AP is unavailable. If we can't have something all we think about is how we want it. But if we can have it, we can better see all the positive and negative sides to it.

 

Maybe not stronger, not sure, but different. I used to say to xMM "I'd LOVE the chance to get fed up with you!!". I think having to make time count more, it can affect natural behaviours a little. Which can happen when first dating anyway, so it's not necessarily an affair thing.

 

And not being able to have sex as often as we wanted meant the anticipation was greater, along with the expectations to be fair. I begrudgingly accept that may have made a difference too.

[Hazyhead]

This positive approach (bolded) is certainly more appealing than pessimism. I would offer, too, an oberservation I came across -- that the good feelings we experience with our most fulfilling partner(s) do not originate from the partner, but are in fact our own and arise from within us.

 

From that idea, I concluded OK, as one is not likely ever to run out of a supply of emotions to feel, I know that feeling those wonderful feelings again is entirely possible even without that particular person. Meeting the right new partner to share with is just a matter of time and circumstance.

 

MC, this is precious; thank you.

[Hazyhead]

But I believe that the emotions OW/OM are going through are stronger because their AP is unavailable. If we can't have something all we think about is how we want it. But if we can have it, we can better see all the positive and negative sides to it.

 

I think you might be right, Elin. It takes us into an internal obsession because a lot of the time we have no external outlet for it. So, when we do get our outlet it's like an explosion.

 

I'm still going for the possibility that it can happen again but on a far more healthy and exclusive basis

[Ellin]

They say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder;" and, "familiarity breeds contempt." I think those old sayings stuck around because there's a lot of truth to them.

 

It's so easy to idealize someone when they aren't around all the time. But the day-in-day-out living together, where our true selves are eventually revealed - that's another story. That's when you find out if the dog will hunt.

 

That's right, Fieldsofgold, and not just that you see someone's real face when you live with them, but also there will be moments when you'll be tired of them sometimes, because that's what happens when people spend most of the time together, no matter how well they get on. The excitement cannot be ever-lasting when the R goes to the next level.

[Ellin]

I think you might be right, Elin. It takes us into an internal obsession because a lot of the time we have no external outlet for it. So, when we do get our outlet it's like an explosion.

 

I'm still going for the possibility that it can happen again but on a far more healthy and exclusive basis

 

Of course it can!

 

As the saying goes - when you close one door, another opens. It's true!

[Hazyhead]

Ellin I think you are missing a key point. Most APs beleive that while hte WS may be committed they are not in a sexual relatoinship with the spouse during the A.

 

Whether or not that is true varies but that is generally the belief (or that they have sex with the spouse occasionally so as to avoid suspicion).

 

Personally the secrecy was never a great thing from my perspective. I hated lying to friends about what I was doing half the time. Fortunately for him he didnt have to lie to his spouse really

 

 

I hated the lying too; it ate me up. I think most of the excitment that stems from the secrecy is felt during the first couple of months. After those damned feelings become involved, the secrecy is crushing. Still, the intensity when you do get time together never wavers in intensity.

[Ellin]

I hated the lying too; it ate me up. I think most of the excitment that stems from the secrecy is felt during the first couple of months. After those damned feelings become involved, the secrecy is crushing. Still, the intensity when you do get time together never wavers in intensity.

 

Yes, this is the curious thing about affair. The feelings remain, as if by magic, eternally fresh, like in the beginning of any R, when everything is most wonderful. The quality of feeling changes when the R is taken a step further.

 

But this is a paradox, because while the feelings seem to remain fresh, they are also "frozen" and the natural development of a R cannot happen, which in turn is causing emotional suffering.

 

It's like being suspended in nothingness and always craving for more. And the more time passes, the harder it may be to let it go. An emotional trap....

[Silly_Girl]

I hated the lying too; it ate me up. I think most of the excitment that stems from the secrecy is felt during the first couple of months. After those damned feelings become involved, the secrecy is crushing. Still, the intensity when you do get time together never wavers in intensity.

 

I never, ever EVER got any form of buzz from secrecy or the fact it was an affair. I broke it off with him on two separate occasions because of the fact it WAS an affair. I think it is one huge life lesson for me, at a relatively young age too. I can't think of a single circumstance whatsoever, where an attached man could be a draw for me. I've even had to tell Brad Pitt to stop the sexting

[Circular]

Yes, this is the curious thing about affair. The feelings remain, as if by magic, eternally fresh, like in the beginning of any R, when everything is most wonderful. The quality of feeling changes when the R is taken a step further.

 

But this is a paradox, because while the feelings seem to remain fresh, they are also "frozen" and the natural development of a R cannot happen, which in turn is causing emotional suffering.

 

It's like being suspended in nothingness and always craving for more. And the more time passes, the harder it may be to let it go. An emotional trap....

 

But isn't this the eternal modern problem? What everyone is pointing out isn't a magical phenomenon but actually the repercussion of modern, organized human constructs?

 

Just a thought that went through my head....

 

Think about this, it's thought provoking. Society has only been organized this way (and increasingly so) over the last 1,000 years. That is, where the male and female partners are in such constant close contact, day in and day out. This circle increasingly grows tighter with modern invention cell phones, texting, IM, etc... Add to that the average life span has increased (say doubled) over the last 1,000 years.

 

So, for maybe a few million years we were in a society where both partners were constantly away and out of communications from each other for extended periods of time. Coming back and 'rediscovering' each other which in turn would re-ignite the passion.

 

The AP actually represents this 'classic' model more than the modern marriage does and therefore that's really what you are experiencing.

 

I'm not using this as a rationalization (though maybe a good one ) but maybe what we all experience is more programmed instinctive behavior then we give credit.

[Ellin]

But isn't this the eternal modern problem? What everyone is pointing out isn't a magical phenomenon but actually the repercussion of modern, organized human constructs?

 

Just a thought that went through my head....

 

Think about this, it's thought provoking. Society has only been organized this way (and increasingly so) over the last 1,000 years. That is, where the male and female partners are in such constant close contact, day in and day out. This circle increasingly grows tighter with modern invention cell phones, texting, IM, etc... Add to that the average life span has increased (say doubled) over the last 1,000 years.

 

So, for maybe a few million years we were in a society where both partners were constantly away and out of communications from each other for extended periods of time. Coming back and 'rediscovering' each other which in turn would re-ignite the passion.

 

The AP actually represents this 'classic' model more than the modern marriage does and therefore that's really what you are experiencing.

 

I'm not using this as a rationalization (though maybe a good one ) but maybe what we all experience is more programmed instinctive behavior then we give credit.

 

Hi Circular, loved your thought provoking post, although I'm not quite sure if I know what you meant...

 

But surely we are very much caught up in the world model that we live in, and we don't think that it is not something that HAS TO be, everything could be completely different. Whatever we're born into seems normal and right to us.

[TeaLeaves04]

For me, I have always tried to find that mind blowing passion and connection, and never could. With MM it was always there...I attribute this to the emotions associated with all of it. They are intense, and powerful, making the desire, lust, and ultimately sexual intimacy more powerful than I could have dreamed up.

 

I don`t think its the A and the secrecy... but hey... I have no idea... I`ll report back once I figure that out...

 

I think it' s because when you want someone you can't have, they seem much more desirable.

[Hazyhead]

But isn't this the eternal modern problem? What everyone is pointing out isn't a magical phenomenon but actually the repercussion of modern, organized human constructs?

 

Just a thought that went through my head....

 

Think about this, it's thought provoking. Society has only been organized this way (and increasingly so) over the last 1,000 years. That is, where the male and female partners are in such constant close contact, day in and day out. This circle increasingly grows tighter with modern invention cell phones, texting, IM, etc... Add to that the average life span has increased (say doubled) over the last 1,000 years.

 

So, for maybe a few million years we were in a society where both partners were constantly away and out of communications from each other for extended periods of time. Coming back and 'rediscovering' each other which in turn would re-ignite the passion.

 

The AP actually represents this 'classic' model more than the modern marriage does and therefore that's really what you are experiencing.

 

I'm not using this as a rationalization (though maybe a good one ) but maybe what we all experience is more programmed instinctive behavior then we give credit.

 

This is thought-provoking. You know, in my last long term relationship before the A, we used to go away from one another once in a while, and in every single instance the heart grew fonder. I had a chance to miss him and realise what it was I really appreciated about him. I think it's wonderful when couples that remain in constant contact are so successful but there's a lot to be said for space away too.

 

Thanks Circular

[Brokenlady]

.

 

My point is, has anybody had that extreme sexual intensity with more than one partner? (Y'know, seperately ) Furthermore, what aspects of the loss of a relationship do you suffer the most from? And, does anybody have any suggestions for how to get over these losses.

 

Well, no - but then I have extremely limited sexual experience. Probably what would irk me more if I had been a single OW leaving a MP who stayed married would be the idea that I was the only one missing out. It'd piss me off every time I felt physically deprived that he wouldn't miss a beat having sex with his W .

 

Now of course, my xDM legally divorced but stayed enmeshed. I'm pretty sure I've already been replaced (sexually) by one of the girls he works with that has been throwing herself at him. Surprisingly, I don't care as much as I thought I would.

[Hazyhead]

Well, no - but then I have extremely limited sexual experience. Probably what would irk me more if I had been a single OW leaving a MP who stayed married would be the idea that I was the only one missing out. It'd piss me off every time I felt physically deprived that he wouldn't miss a beat having sex with his W .

 

Now of course, my xDM legally divorced but stayed enmeshed. I'm pretty sure I've already been replaced (sexually) by one of the girls he works with that has been throwing herself at him. Surprisingly, I don't care as much as I thought I would.

 

Oh my God, BL! He is unreal! You know, I think it's a good thing because maybe he'll allow you to move on. Use this to get your life back, girl!

 

I see what you mean about if the MM had remained married, I hadn't thought about that til now. Weirdly, I had thought the opposite (At first when I still thought about what he might be doing), I thought I wish he was still with his W because now he might be having wild sex with any who'll give it... seriously. Now... couldn't care less about it because I don't actually want him back at all; I just miss some of the elements.

 

Hugs to you hon; I'm glad you're rid.