Two years this week...

[sedgwick]

...since the last time we spoke. I guess I thought there would come a day sometime in there where he might offer up, if not an apology, just an acknowledgment of the fact that he f*cking destroyed me. But I wasn't worth even that much in his eyes.

 

I know everyone is sick of me, so if all you have to say is "it's time to get over it" or "you're sick/insane/a whiner/an egomaniac/suffering from any number of psychiatric disorders/in need of therapy/etc," I would respectfully ask that you realize I've heard it already. If I could get over this, I promise I would. Just know that in the meantime I've tried every single thing suggested on LS (therapy, getting another therapist, drugs, taking different drugs, traveling, exercise, work, reading various books.) The only thing I haven't tried is dating or sleeping with someone else, because I have absolutely zero desire, and the one person I flirted with made it very clear in no uncertain terms that he wasn't interested.

 

I miss my ex every second of every day. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. If I freakin' wake up to pee in the middle of the night, I think of him during the two minutes I'm awake. Whenever I see something beautiful or interesting or funny, I am sad that I can't share it with him.

 

After two years of NC, and almost a year before that, I know I am never going to hear from him again. I know it's time to give up hope. I know he's probably found his fiddle player and long since stopped giving me even the occasional thought. But even though I know I'm gone from his mind, I will never stop trying to be the kind of person who could have been good enough for him. Maybe then I'll be good enough for the next person, if there *is* a next person, and that would be really, really nice!!

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is an interesting situation, it sounds like you have developed an obsession with your ex and obsessions can become very engrained within our behaviour.

 

As you have attempted so many methods of help, I would question, do you truly, in your heart of hearts, want to move on? Or is there a part of which doesn't? Usually if people want something enough, they are able to find themselves achieving it.

 

I would think that after so much time you have placed your ex up on a pedestal and you have no way of getting him down. You strike me as a perfectionist and one thing that struck me, was that maybe you keep him on that pedestal as your motivation for becoming the person you want to be. His words/criticisms of you struck deep - maybe you hold onto them because you are fundamentally unhappy with yourself and for some reason you saw him as achieving things you wanted or living the way you wanted. I'm not in any way qualified to analyse you, i'm just throwing out some things that came to mind, so they may be completely off.

 

I also think your lack of getting involved with new men is hindering you moving on. Its a catch-22. You don't meet any guys you like so you don't develop relationships with any, so you don't develop relationships because you don't meet any guys you like.

 

Finally, I think your desire to hold onto this or resiliance/inability to letting it go is a passive form of committmentphobia. Do you REALLY want a partner, or a relationship? And is it safe to hide from this by holding onto the past relationship?

[mickleb]

Very insightful, Nikki.

 

You know my thoughts, Sedgewick. I disagree you have tried everything suggested on here.

 

The sympathy you seek will keep you in this place.

 

Read Nikki's post again.

 

x

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Have you met any guys in Mexico that you want to become friends with? I am not talking romantically. I know you met that married writer but what about any single guys?

 

I am not suggesting you date someone you don't like. I just hope you're at least having fun and being social. I do sympathize for you because I know you have been going through a lot.

[GrayClouds]

I am so sorry for you sedgwick, how do you manage all of that pain for so long.

 

To have tried so many, many different therapist until you found one to whom you connected, then to have worked that therapy week in and week out for over 2 years, and having tried the many combination possible of drugs, to have continually exercise five, six times a week with a combination of highly aerobic and heavy intensity beyond your normal dancing, to keep on pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, to do new things meet new people and, yet, still unable to let go.

 

You make me glad my ex was not so perfect. May we all have your strength to persevere.

Edited June 22, 2010 by GrayClouds

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I seriously have confidence that one day, you will completely get over him. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. You wrote on the boards once about someone you were in love with years after you separated and then you saw him again and realized how much of a douche he was. This led you to lose your feelings for him. I think one day you will come to complete acceptance and honestly, I think you won't even think about him except to ask yourself why you loved him for so long.

 

Until then, at least you are living it up in a different country--in Mexico of all places! I've always wanted to visit Mexico. Spanish is a beautiful language. You've written a book, you've danced, you've traveled. You have done so many things. I really do think that a person can live just as fulfilling of a life alone as they can with a significant other. I am not saying that because I think you will not find anyone else, I am just observing that from others who choose to remain single because they want to be. The freedom that one has when single is something that you are taking advantage of and something that many people crave. The ability to move and travel at the drop of a hat. To live wherever you want to live and to not have to offer any explanations. I'm sure a lot of people may be envious of your adventurous spirit and all of the things you are able to do and accomplish.

[Crusoe]

[quote=sedgwick;2854790

I know everyone is sick of me, so if all you have to say is "it's time to get over it" or "you're sick/insane/a whiner/an egomaniac/suffering from any number of psychiatric disorders/in need of therapy/etc,"

 

B*ll*cks to those who say that. You are who are are, nobody has the right to tell you deny yourself. There is no rulebook, life cannot be lived as if painting by numbers. This is who you are, you write, you feel, it is your strength and therefore also your weakness. Don't fight your life, your past, your losses. Accept them, let them become part of you. It is you. Whether you suffer or not is your choice.

 

You are already good enough for the next person. When you meet them the desire to date will return and hopefully, this time, they will be good enough for you.

[mickleb]

Whether you suffer or not is your choice.

 

......

 

x

[sedgwick]

......

 

x

 

Mickleb, the way you feel has been repeatedly noted! May I ask one more time, with all politeness, that you consider no longer replying to my threads?

Edited June 22, 2010 by sedgwick

[soheartbroken]

Hi Sedg,

 

I've read a lot of your posts over the last year, and I applaud your courage for continuing to post your story.

 

I think you've tried all the right things, and I haven't given up hope for you. Some of the best books that I've read give timelines of about 3 years to recover. Could be longer for some. Or maybe we never fully recover. If someone's husband/wife died I would never expect that person to be fully "over it". I would never expect that person to not be sad about it, or to not think about it after a year. In fact, I would be surprised if someone who lost their significant other did not think about that person every morning for a long time.

 

Almost a year removed from my breakup and I still feel like it was yesterday sometimes. Some of the intense pain and anxiety are gone, but I'm stuck with a pervasive sadness/loneliness. The only relief I got from the sadness/depression was when I had a new "interest" for about a month. Since that ended I've fallen back into a funk, and I miss my ex as much as before.

 

Take care. Keep up the fight.

[AlwaysConflicted]

If it makes you feel any better, I did the same thing. I dated a girl for 5 years and it's 10 years later and I'm not over her. In the past days I've been posting about a new girl who broke my heart 1 month ago.

 

I still haven't let go of the pain from 10 years ago. Is it my choice? I don't think so. I tried all the meds, therapy and exercise. I was classified as "obsessive". I was in the mental hospital for 7 days on suicide watch.

 

Somehow I've pushed through the pain although I still feel it. I've dated other girls and as you can tell this latest one actually meant something to me. The 1st girl in 10 years that I actually really cared about. But the girl from 10 years ago meant more to me. We were soulmates from my perspective.

 

Post as much as you want, but know there are others out there who experienced similar pain. You're in good company.

 

Dating other guys might be the only way to ever move past it. Dating sucks...we all hate it. But just maybe you'll meet someone that you like.

 

10 years I obsessed over a girl who didn't love me back. I remember the day she said to me "I no longer love you". It was as if she put a gun to my head and fired. I'll never forget it and you won't forget your pain.

 

The only way to get over him, is by finding someone else to replace him with. I wasted my entire 20's and she didn't even look back. To this date she's still the prettiest girl I've dated, the funniest, smartest and wittiest. We had all the same interests, same likes and dislikes. We were soulmates, but I took her for granted, treated her like trash and she dumped me and never looked back. No second chance...She made up her mind and stuck to it. 5 years and no 2nd chance? How is that possible? I didn't cheat on her...I was a little selfish but common give me a break.

 

Some people have the ability to let go of pain while others cannot. It's not our fault, it's the way our brains work.

Edited June 22, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted

[alphamale]

Maybe then I'll be good enough for the next person, if there *is* a next person, and that would be really, really nice!!

i assure you that there will be a next person sedgwick, in the meantime you may cry on my virtual shoulder

[soheartbroken]

I agree with much of what AlwaysConflicted says.

 

People on this board have to understand that everyone is different.

 

Some people are predisposed to depression, and some people are hard-wired such that they could almost never become depressed. Some people are born without the ability to experience empathy (sociopaths). Some people obsess, while others do not have the capacity to obsess.

 

Some people do not have the capacity to love deeply, and, conversely, some people love so deeply and feel pain so deeply that to "move on" from a lost love is supremely difficult. Like AC says, it's the way our brains work.

[shadowplay]

...since the last time we spoke. I guess I thought there would come a day sometime in there where he might offer up, if not an apology, just an acknowledgment of the fact that he f*cking destroyed me. But I wasn't worth even that much in his eyes.

 

I know everyone is sick of me, so if all you have to say is "it's time to get over it" or "you're sick/insane/a whiner/an egomaniac/suffering from any number of psychiatric disorders/in need of therapy/etc," I would respectfully ask that you realize I've heard it already. If I could get over this, I promise I would. Just know that in the meantime I've tried every single thing suggested on LS (therapy, getting another therapist, drugs, taking different drugs, traveling, exercise, work, reading various books.) The only thing I haven't tried is dating or sleeping with someone else, because I have absolutely zero desire, and the one person I flirted with made it very clear in no uncertain terms that he wasn't interested.

 

I miss my ex every second of every day. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. If I freakin' wake up to pee in the middle of the night, I think of him during the two minutes I'm awake. Whenever I see something beautiful or interesting or funny, I am sad that I can't share it with him.

 

After two years of NC, and almost a year before that, I know I am never going to hear from him again. I know it's time to give up hope. I know he's probably found his fiddle player and long since stopped giving me even the occasional thought. But even though I know I'm gone from his mind, I will never stop trying to be the kind of person who could have been good enough for him. Maybe then I'll be good enough for the next person, if there *is* a next person, and that would be really, really nice!!

 

Because I'm giving you blunt feedback, I don't expect a response from you but maybe it will get through. I really feel for you, and I hope it does.

 

Sedgwick, one thing that comes through in all your posts is a detectable stubbornness in your personality. I think this is one of the main reasons you're having trouble getting over him. I would assume this stubbornness translates to other aspects of your life outside of LS. While you may have done everything that people told you to do, it's like a part of you holds back letting go of him in your mind...the same part that probably makes you stubborn or defensive when other people try giving you advice on LS. You can travel, do therapy, read books, but if you aren't doing the real work in your mind and letting go of that stubbornness none of it will help.

 

It's the same part of you that refuses to push yourself to get out and date other people, to risk getting rejected (which will happen, it's a numbers game). You have to start dating, and you have to be proactive about it. You have to develop a thicker skin and expect rejection at first, but also trust that eventually you'll find somebody.

 

For your own good, stop being stubborn and face reality. Otherwise you'll be trapped in this personal hell of your own making.

[shadowplay]

I agree with much of what AlwaysConflicted says.

 

People on this board have to understand that everyone is different.

 

Some people are predisposed to depression, and some people are hard-wired such that they could almost never become depressed. Some people are born without the ability to experience empathy (sociopaths). Some people obsess, while others do not have the capacity to obsess.

 

Some people do not have the capacity to love deeply, and, conversely, some people love so deeply and feel pain so deeply that to "move on" from a lost love is supremely difficult. Like AC says, it's the way our brains work.

 

Yes, but genetics can be overcome with hard work. If Sedg wants to get over her ex she can. But she needs to do the work in her mind. The fact that she's still so stubborn and defensive suggests she's not making that work.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I also wanted to add, prompted by other responses, that I do think a persons predisposed personality has a LOT to do with how they react to break-ups.

 

You mentioned before that you are a writer. So am I, and I think artsy types of people especially, hold onto and harbour pain. We seem to be more sensitive, sentimental and melancholy. I think its quite common in a creative person to be predisposed to anxiety or depression, definately obsession; its the only way you can really be a successful writer; you have to think and feel intensely, all the time, pretty much.

 

I've realised I have a lot of these qualities and they work for me as a writer and as a creative person. In other areas of my life, particularly with regard to relationships, these qualities are a hindrance and spell disaster. For example, me personally, I have a tendancy to want to turn my relationships 'into art.' I don't know if you can relate to this at all but perhaps you can.

 

Just because you may be this may; that is...sensitive, devoted, stubborn, sentimental, doesn't mean that you will not get over this experience.

 

Why do you think it is that you are holding on?

What was so special for you about this man or the experience of loving him?

[shadowplay]

Why do you think it is that you are holding on?

What was so special for you about this man or the experience of loving him?

 

It has all to do with herself and how she feels about herself and nothing with the particular guy.

[sedgwick]

its the only way you can really be a successful writer; you have to think and feel intensely, all the time, pretty much.

 

For example, me personally, I have a tendancy to want to turn my relationships 'into art.' I don't know if you can relate to this at all but perhaps you can.

 

Oh, absolutely I understand and relate! I don't do the wanting-relationships-to-be-art thing anymore; I wore myself out with that one in my 20s. But the feeling everything intensely all the time...yeah. For sure.

 

What was so special for you about this man or the experience of loving him?

 

I had just never related to anyone like that. It felt like finding my twin after a lifetime of searching. He's funny, smart, talented, and COMPLETELY my type physically. If I had put together a dream guy in my head, it would have been him, as cheesy as that sounds. The first time I laid eyes on him, I said to my friend, "That's the guy I'm going to marry." This was before I'd ever had a single conversation with him, but I was CERTAIN.

 

I've just never experienced anything that felt like that before. And I've never worked harder to be a good partner to anyone. I just wish he could have wanted what I have to give.

[GrayClouds]

The first time I laid eyes on him, I said to my friend, "That's the guy I'm going to marry." This was before I'd ever had a single conversation with him, but I was CERTAIN.

 

That sound magical and mystical, something from which great novels are written. The strength you have shown managing a loss of that divinity is supernatural is it's own right.

 

Most of us do not know how lucky we are for only having to get over mere mortals.

 

 

 

 

.

Edited June 23, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Ingenue]

Sedgwick, I feel for you and hope that one day you can move on if that's what you want. Many of us never forgive what our exes have done (especially if they're treated us poorly). We do try to effectively block out, reconcile and move on with our lives in whatever way we can.

 

In one day, it'll be the two year anniversary of my break-up with my ex of 5 years. Even though I'm currently with a wonderful partner who I love and who loves me, I cannot forgive what my douche of an ex did to me (ie dump me by email). In the grand scheme of things, I know it's so trivial. But I am stubborn and principled and it bothers me to no end that he fails to recognize how his actions were despicable and deplorable. I have moved on, but reconciled how I will probably always immensely dislike my ex for his actions. Sometimes it takes us a little longer, but we do get there.

 

I remember I didn't want to date at first. But when I did, I realized that there were a lot of other men who connected with me in different ways. My ex was ideal for me at that time in my life. I realized that didn't mean that there wouldn't be other ideal men for me at the current point of my life. Sometimes the first step is terrifying. But then the second step is less scary.

 

If it's any consolation (though I know it isn't), two years ago, I was dumped by my ex by email. A year ago on the day, I was doored by a car while cycling. They say bad things happen in threes, so I'll see what tomorrow brings. In the meantime, I do hope that you draw some inspiration and comfort from the many posters who obviously care about you.

[shadowplay]

You've got to stop with the magical thinking Sedgwick. He's not the man you thought he was because he left you.

[sao2]

Hi Sedgewick, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. My ex and I broke up about 3 years ago and haven't spoken in a year and I am still emotionally stuck. I have tried everything you have and have even gotten involved with a wonderful woman and guess what. Still emotionally stuck.

 

I can't say I still love my ex although I am sure that I did. Maybe it is similar for you I think the reason I am holding on is because I went a long time feeling emotionally numb before my ex came along and she stirred up feelings in me I had long thought gone. Now that she is gone, those feelings are gone as well. I hold on because it reminds me that I am capable of having those feelings. Maybe you are doing something similar.

[Heatemyheart89]

I've not read your posts but I feel your pain!it's been one year for me but it's starting to get better.I got better because I wanted to.you need to force yourself to date.you have to know the guy you miss was not the one for you.how will you ever know if someone is better out there for you if you don't try?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Obviously NC is not working for you. Is there a chance that you can meet up with him as friends for coffee or something? I am not sure if you are on friendly basis or not but it seems that you have completly built him up in your head into something no mere mortal can match. Maybe if you had an actual face to face conversation with him it would help to break the spell.

 

Otherwise, in some ways I can relate you. I didn't get over my ex for 2 years - literally I would long for him so badly that I would feel like I was walking around with a permanent hole in my chest. I ended up transferring my feelings to someone else (also unrequited) until I realized it's not about my ex, or the next guy. It's really about me. It's always been me.

[DenverBachelor]

The first time I laid eyes on him, I said to my friend, "That's the guy I'm going to marry." This was before I'd ever had a single conversation with him, but I was CERTAIN.

 

Yes, you were certain -- certainly wrong.

 

Look, Sedgwick -- you push away some of the best people in here because you're so stubborn. You seem to have a very idealistic yet broken view of reality. You're ex is long gone and you worship him as if he were a God. However, I don't think you miss him so much as this "invention" you created in your head that you then transplanted into his image. He's the embodiment of some of your deepest desires as well as some of your deepest fears.

 

You don't give other guys a chance in life because of this. You're almost in love with your own pain and you've been nursing the pain to give you some type of tortured strength in life.

 

This may sound brash but you really need to get laid. I'm serious. You need to go out and have fun and enjoy a few meaningless romps with some hot Mexican dudes. You're wasting your life away and at the rate you're going, you'll be 85 years old in your deathbed until you finally realize the truth -- your ex was just some musician and nobody that great but you pushed your idealism into your image of him and created this monster that has been in your heart for the past two years.

 

Go out and party. Go drink some cocktails and flirt with some Mexicans. Don't finish drinking from the bottle until you've taken down the worm.

Your ex was just another human being with plenty of flaws -- but you never saw them because you always looked at him through these idealistic filters.

 

Good people come on here and give you solid advice but it always comes back to your stubborn ways and you then ask them to stop replying.

 

When you decide to enjoy life is when life will become enjoyable. But you seem very comfortable in the hell you've created for yourself thus far. Why post the same story over and over if you don't want good people with plenty of life history to reply to you?

 

What in the hell is it going to take for you to snap out of the BS and enjoy life? Are you using this torture to feed your creative streak? There is plenty between heaven and hell to feed from instead of remaining in hell all your life.

Edited June 23, 2010 by DenverBachelor