Two years this week...

[Treasa]

I was looking for the Like button for Ingenue's post. Stupid Facebook.

[GrayClouds]

Some of us do not want to let go. We have power in the pain. It gives us something we need. It is validation someone has treated us poorly, that life is not fair, that we are alive. It give us refuge from our fears, offers a warm safer place to hide, so we never have to face them. It allow us not to take responsibility for the selfishness, hurtfulness, and unhappiness in our our lives. We are able abdicate our desires, remove us from our own failures. In short all that is bad, all that is hard, all that unsuccessful in our lives is not our responsibility.

 

It acknowledges we are a hurt child. The harder we cry the the greater attention we receive. If we do not get the attention, we cry harder, then harder, then harder. Soon we develop alternative methods to communicate our cry. Less direct, but no less audible. It became expressed through our beliefs, behaviors, and choices. It creativity tells the world we are hurting and want absolution.

 

Through it all we wait for one to come and take that hurt away. We hope with every new person who walks into our lives, that they will be the one. But sadly they are not, they can not be, no matter how hard we try to make them be. We will even make the mythical because by now our pain feels so deep it would only take someone amazing to stop our crying. We redefined love as taking away our pain rather then us sharing our happiness. We confuse love with being rescued. But it does not successful. So we cry some more.

 

Crying worked in the beginning so if we are just patient it will work now. If it does not, we just need to try harder. We hold on to the pain for if we let it go we will truly be alone and then no one but us will be responsible for our lives. We will be have learn a new ways to communicate, to have the courage to work hard find new beliefs, behaviors, and choices. But this make us afraid for we will began to understand the unhappiness in our lives becomes ours. It becomes our responsibility. We can choose to avoided the things we fear or pursue the things we love. Our fear of holding those responsibilities is still more important then our love for ourselves.

 

But right now we still need validation someone has treated us poorly, that life is not fair, that even through pain we are alive. From the outside it may not look like this is working for us. From the inside, deep down inside, it may not look like this is working for us. Though we are here for another day, and that day just may be the day when we pursue love and decide to change it all.

 

 

 

 

.

[mickleb]

Maybe I am too. I don't know. It's more like I've been sad and in pain for as long as I can remember, since childhood, and I don't know any other way to be. Maybe I need this image of him to perpetuate that sadness because I'd feel naked without it.

 

Still, I do miss him for him, every day.

 

If you don't mind me saying, sedgwick. I think this is an incredibly brave thing to say.

 

x

[melodymatters]

You know, in the last 3 or so years i've been on here, THIS story has stuck with me more than most.

 

It's just so.....hard for me to fathom ! I guess I do the opposite, if rejected, I figure either there is something wrong with them, or that together we don't create the magic that is supposed to be inherent in relationships. In the latter case, well, who needs THAT ? Better to find someone who thinks I hung the moon and stars !

 

I thought the question about Joe dying was relevant. losing a spouse to sudden death changed me immensely. If he no longer walked the planet what would your thoughts and feelings be ?

 

It CAN'T be abut Joe anymore really, it has to be you hanging on to the image of joe's "perfection" to avoid living. You said you've tried everything and I believe you, but I guess you are going to have to keep trying. The crazier the cures the better at this point !

 

You have locked yourself into some OCD cage, and the only one who can let you out is you.

 

I really hope you find a way. It's so sad to see a sister throwing her life away obsessing over anything, let alone a mere mortal.

[sedgwick]

I really appreciate everyone talking to me about this. And mickleb, I really really appreciate you finally saying something nice to me! Wow!!

 

I have decided to leave Mexico tomorrow, two months early. I have a bit of a bad landlord situation in which they're nickel-and-diming me for every little thing (like offering me breakfast and then asking for money when I eat it, even though I've made them four batches of chocolate chip cookies out of my own pocket and cooked them a few dinners since I've been here.) The man of the couple (they're 70) has been making constant comments about my body, asking my bra size, asking for bellydances, asking where in my body my doctor gave my shot ("Was it in your butt? Huh?"), and grabbing my face and kissing me and telling me it's how we'd greet each other if we were Mexican. It's just more than I can take, and because my cats are here with me, I can't easily find another place to stay.

 

I was shocked how ready I was to go home when I realized it was an option. I have been terribly depressed here and have gone out little more than I went out at home. And it's about 90% because of Joe. Everything I see, I want to share with him. Being alone here with my thoughts of him is killing me.

 

I called my parents, brother, and childhood best friend (they're all in the same town) and asked to come stay with them for a while. I need to see my therapist there, the one I saw when I was 16, who remains the best therapist I've ever had. If anyone can help me, he can. My family and my friend's family were incredibly supportive, and I feel I need them around me right now. It's been many years since I've had family nearby, and I plan to spend four months with them. I am not okay, and I need help. I've given my life to this man, this cypher of a man, for three years, and I want it back. I've never gone through heartbreak like this. I have to do whatever it takes to recover.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Maybe I am too. I don't know. It's more like I've been sad and in pain for as long as I can remember, since childhood, and I don't know any other way to be. Maybe I need this image of him to perpetuate that sadness because I'd feel naked without it.

 

I only brought it up because I'm addicted to sadness as well. I've known it for years.

 

But it's here in the sadness that I feel both comfort and unhappiness. Sadness is my true friend and I'll never let it down. Seeing the cycle from beginning to end brings tears to my eyes. If I didn't feel the tears running down my cheek I'd have gone through with the act already. I won't say it, I'm sure you understand.

 

I didn't date a musician, I dated a ballet dancer. She was my soulmate, but I ruined that relationship because it tried to make me happy. Happiness isn't my friend, it never has been.

 

Your sadness is beautiful and another kindred soul will see it. And should that soul not arrive in this lifetime it will meet you in the next.

 

Instead of fighting the pain, maybe you can embrace it. Invite sadness in for a cup of tea.

[sao2]

Sedgewick, I understand that paradise can be difficult in your situation. I too was unable to appreciate "paradise" because of a love life situation but also remember that often times, the best places to visit are some of the most frustrating places to live. Good luck and I hope home treats you well.

[GrayClouds]

I am not okay, and I need help. I've given my life to this man, this cypher of a man, for three years, and I want it back. I've never gone through heartbreak like this. I have to do whatever it takes to recover.

 

Allow yourself to feel amazingly proud sedgwick.This is one of the most confident, kind and loving thing you have said to yourself since you started posting. You have my deepest best wishes.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Sedgwick, I'm really proud of you for being able to do this. Your tone in the past couple of posts has even seemed different, and I feel that you're moving in a positive direction. I know that may be hard to see as you are feeling so awful, but I think other posters are now seeing this, too. I'm really, really rooting for you. I always have been since I first read your story. I know there are plenty others who are as well. We look forward to reading your eventual post which tells us you have gotten over this man and taken your life back. I know it will happen.

[shadowplay]

I really appreciate everyone talking to me about this. And mickleb, I really really appreciate you finally saying something nice to me! Wow!!

 

I have decided to leave Mexico tomorrow, two months early. I have a bit of a bad landlord situation in which they're nickel-and-diming me for every little thing (like offering me breakfast and then asking for money when I eat it, even though I've made them four batches of chocolate chip cookies out of my own pocket and cooked them a few dinners since I've been here.) The man of the couple (they're 70) has been making constant comments about my body, asking my bra size, asking for bellydances, asking where in my body my doctor gave my shot ("Was it in your butt? Huh?"), and grabbing my face and kissing me and telling me it's how we'd greet each other if we were Mexican. It's just more than I can take, and because my cats are here with me, I can't easily find another place to stay.

 

I was shocked how ready I was to go home when I realized it was an option. I have been terribly depressed here and have gone out little more than I went out at home. And it's about 90% because of Joe. Everything I see, I want to share with him. Being alone here with my thoughts of him is killing me.

 

I called my parents, brother, and childhood best friend (they're all in the same town) and asked to come stay with them for a while. I need to see my therapist there, the one I saw when I was 16, who remains the best therapist I've ever had. If anyone can help me, he can. My family and my friend's family were incredibly supportive, and I feel I need them around me right now. It's been many years since I've had family nearby, and I plan to spend four months with them. I am not okay, and I need help. I've given my life to this man, this cypher of a man, for three years, and I want it back. I've never gone through heartbreak like this. I have to do whatever it takes to recover.

 

I think this is a good choice, Sedgwick (leaving Mexico)! I remember being concerned when I read your first threads about moving there that you were just running away from your problems, which means they would probably follow you...and they did. You can't run away, you need to face them. So you're making a positive step by coming back.

 

But bear in mind that with this move, you should try to implement some changes rather than over-relying on people you're already close to for support as a way of avoiding. It's good to have that support, but you should also be pushing yourself. I think the most important thing you can do is just to force yourself to get out of the house and socialize. Even if it's painful. Even if you go through months and months of doing it every day, and every day it feels like a chore or worse.

 

I'm telling you right now that it WILL hurt when you try for a long, long time. It will probably hurt more than this thing with Joe hurts, until it starts working. Every fibre in your being will tell you to turn around, go back to your place and crawl into a ball. For people like us with BPD, taking care of ourselves can be extremely painful, and this is why we often opt out and choose a more delicious, familiar pain instead. When you push yourself will be plagued with feelings of emptiness, anxiety and extreme discomfort. Expect it and welcome it. Go through the motions. Just do it. You're strong enough.

 

But really be careful about the moving back with family for a few months thing. Make sure it's not just another way of avoiding. I think it's easy to regress into old, bad habits when you're back in your childhood home. Happens to me. It's also kind of a band aid.

 

Do you mind if I ask you to tell us a little bit about your childhood/adolescence and family history? Maybe it could help us offer you better advice.

[jlr]

Sedge,

 

I'm rooting for you. I know how hard all this is. My experience is not that dissimilar. My ex left me about a year and half ago, and I still think of her every day. I also struggle with the low self-esteem issues about finding someone else. And also the lack of ambition to WANT to try.

 

I'm proud of you for some of the things you've said in recent posts. One day you're going to be ok. We all will.

 

Keep hanging in there.

[lonelygurl]

Sedge,

 

I'm rooting for you. I know how hard all this is. My experience is not that dissimilar. My ex left me about a year and half ago, and I still think of her every day. I also struggle with the low self-esteem issues about finding someone else. And also the lack of ambition to WANT to try.

 

I'm proud of you for some of the things you've said in recent posts. One day you're going to be ok. We all will.

 

Keep hanging in there.

 

I can so relate too.

[hopesndreams]

You want to hang on to your pain and torment because you think it's what makes you who you are.

 

Let go, it's exhilarating. You are so missing out until you do this. It's like jumping out of an airplane.

[KewlBum]

Haven't read through the pages, but I just really felt like typing this. It hasn't been 2 years for me, it's been about 4 months now. She was my first love and I loved her so much. In fact, I still love her. The first 2 months after she broke up with me was unbearable. I thought about her 24/7. After that, I didn't think about her as much...until now. For the last week I've been thinking more and more about her. I want to be with her so badly. i love her so much. And today...today has been really hard. I want to talk to her so much, I want to see her face, kiss her lips, anything. And if I can't do that, then I just feel like dying...

[shadowplay]

How's it going, Sedg?

[sedgwick]

How's it going, Sedg?

 

Doing okay. Back home with my family and working a lot. Much less depressed with them and my childhood best friend around. Hoping to move back to NYC by October. Realizing I'm over my childhood and the bad stuff that happened, which is awesome.

 

Saw a guy who looked like Joe in a restaurant the other day and almost threw up. My vision narrowed and I felt shaky. I was afraid he was on tour in my hometown, but thankfully it wasn't him.

 

Two more days until the third anniversary of the breakup itself. Oh how I wish he'd contact me and apologize, but alas, I know it's never going to happen. I have to do something fun on that day to try to keep my mind off it.

[mickleb]

Sounder so much stronger, already, Sedge. Keep it up.

 

It is wonderful to read your upbeat and practical resolution for getting through the upcoming difficult date. Do let us know what you decide to do.

 

x

[sedgwick]

I got through the anniversary of the breakup by realizing today is my all-time favorite musician, Stewart Copeland's, birthday. Watched a bunch of Police videos that made me smile, then went for a long walk with Police songs on my ipod (I know, I'm a dork.) Made plans with a good friend from high school, who I haven't seen in almost 20 years, to have dinner next week. Spent the day with my mom. I didn't even remember that it was the anniversary until the afternoon.

[mickleb]

I got through the anniversary of the breakup by realizing today is my all-time favorite musician, Stewart Copeland's, birthday. Watched a bunch of Police videos that made me smile, then went for a long walk with Police songs on my ipod (I know, I'm a dork.) Made plans with a good friend from high school, who I haven't seen in almost 20 years, to have dinner next week. Spent the day with my mom. I didn't even remember that it was the anniversary until the afternoon.

 

How funny. I went to uni with Stuart Copeland's son. Know his granddaughter, as a result. *Yes, that crash was the sound of someone's name being dropped.* The Police were good but Sting makes me .

 

Old schoolfriends are great for remembering who we were before. (The italics make that concept seem all esoteric, or something, eh? )

 

Good to hear it, Sedgwick. It's the little positive actions like these that, combined, keep us all on track.

 

Well done and keep it up.

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

How funny. I went to uni with Stuart Copeland's son. Know his granddaughter, as a result. *Yes, that crash was the sound of someone's name being dropped.* The Police were good but Sting makes me .

 

Old schoolfriends are great for remembering who we were before. (The italics make that concept seem all esoteric, or something, eh? )

 

Good to hear it, Sedgwick. It's the little positive actions like these that, combined, keep us all on track.

 

Well done and keep it up.

 

x

 

What if your ex is mixed in with all of your old school friends? Thats the part that drives me insane!

[mickleb]

What if your ex is mixed in with all of your old school friends? Thats the part that drives me insane!

 

The friends you will still want to speak to in 20 years time, Nikki, are your friends now. You may not even be aware of it yet.

 

That's a wonderful thing.

 

x