Two years this week...

[Treasa]

I have OCD, anxiety and abandonment issues, and I'm also the artsy, intense type.

 

My ex-boyfriend of six years broke up with me a month and 10 days ago, but only really finally told he didn't want me back two days ago.

 

I've had to do a LOT of looking at how things really are, and talking to a psychologist, and analyzing both my behaviors and his, before realizing he was a narcissist. He was charming, charismatic, lots of people wanted to be around him, etc. I swooned big time. And I fell in love hard. And for six years I was emotionally abused, subtly being "taught" that I wasn't good enough, but that he was awesome.

 

So then, by the time he broke up with me the last time, I had no self-esteem, yet I was so desperately in love with him that I still wanted to help him and feed his ego. Boy, what an idiot I was.

 

It still freaking hurts. My pain is much more raw and fresh. He made me feel inferior by blaming the reason for the breakup on some fault or lacking of mine, which is BS.

 

I don't say this to be insensitive or unkind, but in reading your posts and following them for the past two years, I'm positive I don't want to be like you. I was certain that my ex was the one I was going to marry as well. I can't tell you how deep down the rabbit hole I was. But I have to realize that he broke up with me, over a stupid reason (much as Joe did to you), and I have to get angry for allowing him to not only treat me that way, but to strip away my self esteem.

 

I'm a stubborn, creative, adventurous, and ambitious person like you are. But I'm not going to let my toxic ex ruin my life. It's not love! It's what narcissists do.

 

Check out the site lisaescott dot com. Please.

 

The last words my ex said to me were, "I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain that you're the one I want."

 

Um, F him, then. Let him go find and subtly abuse the one he wants. He's a narcissist. I suspect Joe is too.

 

And YOU are the ONLY ONE who can make yourself better. In reading these other posts, I'll be damned if it takes me one year, five years, 10 years to get over my ex. He's not better than me. If anything, I was the better one, despite what he brainwashed me to believe. We had a six year relationship. I'm aiming to be mostly over it in six months max.

[cdt76]

Sedgwick, I feel your pain. I know many have suggest techniques to help you. I know in each of us there is a love that is so great that it will never extinguish and with that thought I offer this piece of advice. Maybe you should not attempt to forget or quit that love. Accept that you love him more than you ever loved someone but also accept that you can't be with him. Keep that love alive in a place in your hear that is free of burden, and know it's real. With that you can love another. Know you can love the old but be open to new and you have to try to be open because it doesn't come easily. Fake it. Go through the motions like you do everyday but put yourself in situations to meet someone else. Even if you really don't want to be in that situation. Do it anyway because the alternative is much worse and unacceptable to you or you wouldn't be here on LS. Love him for what he was to you. Love yourself for who you are and know that you can love 3 people at the same time. Love is endless and without bounds. Don't coral it. Let it lose on the world and someone will catch it and hold it and open your eyes to something just as special.

[sedgwick]

You don't give other guys a chance in life because of this.

 

This may sound brash but you really need to get laid.

 

you need to force yourself to date.

 

Unfortunately, sex/dating are not options for me. I literally NEVER, in any way whatsoever, even a little bit, get flirted with. In the three years since Joe left me I got brave enough to flirt with one person but he let me know immediately that he was not interested. Since I am unattractive physically, the option to date or have sex is simply not available to me. It sounds like you date a lot, so I know this is something you can't understand -- consider yourself lucky!

 

Obviously NC is not working for you. Is there a chance that you can meet up with him as friends for coffee or something?

 

Nope, we're in different countries right now. And I could never forgive myself for even wasting the tiny bit of his time that would be needed for him to read an email from me asking him to meet me, and I could REALLY never forgive myself for taking up the time it would take if we DID meet. It would mean I was taking still more music out of the world, and I've already taken enough. His fans and the world of old-time music need him; I would never be so bold as to ask to take one more second of his time away from those things. Besides, he has nothing to say to me, since I'm not a musician.

Edited June 23, 2010 by sedgwick

[Ronni_W]

That sound magical and mystical, something from which great novels are written. The strength you have shown managing a loss of that divinity is supernatural is it's own right.

I had just never related to anyone like that. It felt like finding my twin after a lifetime of searching. He's funny, smart, talented, and COMPLETELY my type physically. If I had put together a dream guy in my head, it would have been him,

Sedge,

Have you considered exploring it more from a mystical-spiritual perspective?

I had a pretty-much-same experience -- mine came complete with drum rolls, lightning and thunder bolts . Insanely intense energy; like I had known him forever (the 'eternal' kind of forever.) It was so beautiful and so sad, oh my! The only way I could eventually cope with and make sense of it, was to frame it in, well, metaphysical terms.

 

And even that took five long years, the first two of which I was basically a total basket-case...the only way I remember any details of that now is to go through my (million pages of) journals.

 

Like you, I did the mental-emotional work; tried most every therapist and therapy out there. There was no real or lasting relief until I went looking for my answers in a different 'setting', as it were. It's not that I "found God" or started attending organized church services. Today, I still go, "WTF was THAT about?" but it stopped being a daily-constant ache and torment.

 

It was completely horrible...and yet I found some type of comfort holding on to it. And I was afraid like hell, to let it go; wasn't at all sure what would become of me if I did that. So I dragged it out for five long years, but I still don't think I could have got past it if I'd just relied on trying to figure out the mental-emotional aspects of it.

 

Hugs, Sedge. I think I know a small bit of what you're going through. If it's anywhere like mine, it is completely horrible.

 

Sending angels of Peace and Knowing.

Ronni

[GrayClouds]

Unfortunately, sex/dating are not options for me. I literally NEVER, in any way whatsoever, even a little bit, get flirted with. In the three years since Joe left me I got brave enough to flirt with one person but he let me know immediately that he was not interested. Since I am unattractive physically, the option to date or have sex is simply not available to me. It sounds like you date a lot, so I know this is something you can't understand -- consider yourself lucky!

That is so tragically sad, to be a women of great depth, creatively and intelligences and yet for it all to be eclipsed by a physical form so off putting, to have only one earth bound soul in three years to have the divine discernment to see the beyond the carnal. And then for him to walk away, Shakespearean tragedy no less.

Nope, we're in different countries right now. And I could never forgive myself for even wasting the tiny bit of his time that would be needed for him to read an email from me asking him to meet me, and I could REALLY never forgive myself for taking up the time it would take if we DID meet. It would mean I was taking still more music out of the world, and I've already taken enough. His fans and the world of old-time music need him; I would never be so bold as to ask to take one more second of his time away from those things. Besides, he has nothing to say to me, since I'm not a musician.

And yet to show such unselfishly giving not only to this man, but to the world at large. It is those like you, who for the greater good, sacrifice their well being, accept self loathing as the price for real beauty to exist in this world who are undoubtedly and ironically must be the happiest of us all. You may not be a musician but your asceticism is operatic in scale, bravissimo girl.

 

 

.

[sean1970]

Nope, we're in different countries right now. And I could never forgive myself for even wasting the tiny bit of his time that would be needed for him to read an email from me asking him to meet me, and I could REALLY never forgive myself for taking up the time it would take if we DID meet. It would mean I was taking still more music out of the world, and I've already taken enough. His fans and the world of old-time music need him; I would never be so bold as to ask to take one more second of his time away from those things. Besides, he has nothing to say to me, since I'm not a musician.

 

The most discouraging post I have read to date on LS. He could beat out Jesus Christ in a water walking race and not deserve the adoration you heap on him. To deify this man, an admittedly very flawed man, in such a way, for so long, details a complete detachment from the real. Where are you Seg..? Where are you in your head that this man's luster grows with time? He was not legend in your initial posts; he did not float through a crowd; he did not invent the gift of music...

 

He supports himself as a bass player in an old-time novelty jugband. He's 6'2" and 125 lbs. Rapidly balding. Laughs like a hyena. Nearsighted.

 

This guy has HORRIBLE communication skills. Many of my friends have theorized that he has Asperger's Syndrome, but I don't want to pathologize. He just comes off as really, really clueless about how human beings work.

 

Oh god...I decided it would be a good idea to talk to him. He called and I answered and it led to an hour and a half of "closure." Basically he just contradicted everything he said the last time we talked, and I was crying when I got off the phone...like I ALWAYS am lately. I had a really good long cry, and then I started to feel relieved that I no longer have to come second to music. I no longer have to be a band widow. I no longer have to worry about how he can't take care of his physical health. He is starved and sleep-deprived and running from something I can't see. As much as it hurts, I have to let him go. I felt better when we weren't talking.

 

My ex broke up with me on July 16. Since then, we've spoken twice. The first conversation was really good and gave me a lot of hope, and in the second one he was kind of a jerk and I was crying by the end.

 

The one thought that just keeps plaguing me is this. I'm not arrogant, and in fact I get down on myself a lot, but I know I'm sexy (I mean, I'm a bellydancer, fer cryin' out loud), I know I'm smart, and I know I'm funny. I also know I have my faults, but I worked really hard to be the best girlfriend I could. This guy is not a rockstar -- he's a big dork who at 31 has had five girlfriends his whole life. (I just happen to love the big dorks.)

 

 

And your opinion of yourself was not always this poor.

 

i understand how snobby this sounds but basically it's like this...every few days or so i have some stranger (usually a guy) contact me through myspace and say, "you're so beautiful! your tattoos are amazing!" etc. i got approached a few days ago about being on a TV show about women with visible tattoos. i'm very grateful that people appreciate the work and that they think i'm attractive, but dammit, why can't this idiot hillbilly mofo figure out that he dumped a f*cking hot tattooed bellydancer? heh. partly i'm joking and partly i'm not...i mean, i've never thought i was particularly attractive, and i'll probably always think i'm fat, but i also know i'm a cool-looking girl with a lot of style.

 

I am a heavily tattooed bellydancer, have modeled for Suicide Girls, all that silly stuff. Five weeks ago -- a week before he broke up with me -- I recognized my life dream in the form of a book deal with a major publisher, to write a memoir about becoming a tattooed lady. This is what I have wanted all my life. This, and getting into my dance company, are the most important things that have ever happened to me. I am not someone without a life and I NEVER acted like a needy girlfriend with him.

 

i was just doing dishes and simultaneously practicing my shimmies to southern culture on the skids (that's how i trick myself into doing dishes: i call it shimmy practice.) picture it: blaring bluegrass classics, barefoot in the kitchen with my ass flying around, having just cooked sweet potatoes. and i'm wearing a wifebeater, pink camo shorts, and my rocked-out 1950s diner-waitress glasses, which recently led a friend to say, "those glasses make your hair look bigger." things i do not need in life, part 1: bigger hair.

 

also, today i FINALLY watched a video of myself bellydancing, after four years of doing so. i just simply wouldn't watch myself because i thought i'd be mortified and never dance again. but that wasn't the case at all! i was really excited and proud of myself.

 

sometimes i have these moments of satisfaction in knowing he may find him a fiddle player, but he'll never find another woman like me.

 

I had the weirdest night tonight. My friend dragged me out of the house and took me to cocktail hour at her friend's house (her friend is a guy.) This is a thing they do on Thursday nights, and it was a really cool mix of people. I was sitting on the couch with two guys talking about video games and one of them turned to my friend and said, "And she's a bellydancer? Where has she been all my life?" I of course figured he was just joking, and then when we left my friend said, "God, you just had three guys flirting with you at the same time and you're all sad about the stupid one who doesn't deserve you."

 

I don't know anything anymore. I am definitely 100% NOT INTERESTED in anyone else, but this goes against my idea of myself as totally unattractive and boring. I don't know. I put on a good show, maybe.

 

Do you see what we see now? You used to...

Edited June 23, 2010 by sean1970

[sedgwick]

You may not be a musician but your asceticism is operatic in scale, bravissimo girl.

 

Okay, enough sarcasm!

[GrayClouds]

The most discouraging post I have read to date on LS. He could beat out Jesus Christ in a water walking race and not deserve the adoration you heap on him. To deify this man, an admittedly very flawed man, in such a way, for so long, details a complete detachment from the real. Where are you Seg..? Where are you in your head that this man's luster grows with time? He was not legend in your initial posts; he did not float through a crowd; he did not invent the gift of music...

 

And your opinion of yourself was not always this poor.

 

Do you see what we see now? You used to...

 

sean1970, I would suggest you suspend any additional comments on this thread. You seem not to grasp the complexity of a person who's heart loves with it's entirety. For this world only allows them one love and just as we know a mother can only truly love just one of her children, we too are only allow one true love, despite the many dishonest simpletons who rationalize otherwise and pretend to find another to live a life of behind a facade of felicity.

[sedgwick]

The most discouraging post I have read to date on LS. He could beat out Jesus Christ in a water walking race and not deserve the adoration you heap on him. To deify this man, an admittedly very flawed man, in such a way, for so long, details a complete detachment from the real. Where are you Seg..? Where are you in your head that this man's luster grows with time? He was not legend in your initial posts; he did not float through a crowd; he did not invent the gift of music...

 

I think I was trying to convince myself he wasn't all that and I had some reason to be confident, but I just couldn't sustain it. He left me because I wasn't good enough, and now he ignores me. I had this crazy idea that at some point he'd apologize for hurting me, but it just didn't happen. I thought surely we'd talk again, but nope. The longer he's ignored me, the worse I've fallen apart.

 

I have become sort of housebound and lost in my own thoughts, because I've been SO depressed since he left. It's like I fought it and fought it and then one day I just couldn't fight anymore. I gave up. I stayed in my house. Because I write for a living, it was possible to essentially spend two years in my pajamas. I left only for dance and yoga, and wasn't even able to force myself to do those things as much as I should have.

 

And now I'm basically sitting in my house in Mexico. I don't go out much here either. I'm happier alone; I can't get hurt this way. I'm too exhausted from being hurt and ignored already.

 

The longer he ignores me, the more I miss and idolize him.

[Treasa]

What would happen if Joe died? I'm really curious.

[sedgwick]

What would happen if Joe died? I'm really curious.

 

I wouldn't know about it. He could be dead right now for all I know.

[GrayClouds]

Okay, enough sarcasm!

Sarcasm, I think not, only simple reiterations of all that you have so consummately communicated. An attempt to align my articulations not to, as some would say, the absurdity of a affected attitude but offer up what you have indubitably defined as the appropriate antiphon to each song and verse your of your woebegone saga.

 

For I see some have come here in want of the abdication of pain while others are wanting assistance in the avocation of it. It is simply wanting to give you what you truly desire, contrariety to those who may postulate its non-productivity.

 

 

.

Edited June 23, 2010 by GrayClouds

[shadowplay]

Sedg --

 

Why not try dating even if you don't have the desire right now? You won't get that desire by avoiding it. I get the sense you fear rejection and this is the reason you won't date. You have to expect rejection, and go through a lot of frogs. This is what dating is all about. But be proactive about it.

 

Btw, I'd appreciate it if you responded to my comments.

[shadowplay]

 

 

Nope, we're in different countries right now. And I could never forgive myself for even wasting the tiny bit of his time that would be needed for him to read an email from me asking him to meet me, and I could REALLY never forgive myself for taking up the time it would take if we DID meet. It would mean I was taking still more music out of the world, and I've already taken enough. His fans and the world of old-time music need him; I would never be so bold as to ask to take one more second of his time away from those things. Besides, he has nothing to say to me, since I'm not a musician.

 

Sedg -- I hope you respond to my post below, because I think I have some good questions that might help you.

 

There's an edge of sarcasm to the quote above. I know you'll probably deny it, but the way you write about this it's like you know on some level you're being ridiculous and he doesn't deserve it...and you resent him for the power he holds over you...but at the same time you're not going to fight back. Why?

 

It's the same way you speak in demeaning terms on the one hand about the music he plays, but at the same time venerate it. I'm wondering if you could give us some insight into why these conflicting forces arise within you?

 

In general, a sadly defeatist tone comes through in all of your posts. You've already laid out all the rules for yourself, and there's no changing them. It's as though there's some magical force that decides the course of your life and you're helpless to fight it. I'm curious to know if this pervades how you think about the world in general. Do you believe in fate, and if so how does this belief relate to your own life? Do you believe that other people have control over their lives?

 

Another thing that just occurred to me is that for somebody who has been through years of therapy and is generally introspective, you seem surprisingly un-self-aware. Like who are you, aside from a writer, dancer and tattooed lady? You rarely write about what you value in the world, what you love and hate, what makes you happy. It's all about Joe. Who were you before you met him? What were you like growing up, what was your family like? You've written so much on LS, but at the same time told us so very little about who you are.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I know this pain all too well. I dated an ex for 5 years and dreamed of ways to get her back for 10 years. 10 years. Interestingly enough, as each year went by, I'd forget more and more of her "negative" traits and remember more of her positive ones. Then as more time went by, I built up her positive traits to unbelievable proportions. I'd say by year 3 of our breakup she was a goddess. Not even a woman anymore, but a fictional character. I think by year 10 she was more of concept. A law of nature. Something no longer tangible.

 

A psychiatrist can prescribe some anti-depressants. These drugs combat the sadness as well obsessive compulsive behavior. The combination of the drugs, time, and dating will help. I found "talking" therapy to be worthless because the more I talked about her, the more I thought of her, therefore the more I obsessed. If you're currently on a mental medication then switch it because it's not working. There's a ton of them out there and everyone's system reacts differently.

 

I know I'm not as wise as some of these other people, but I understand your pain.

[shadowplay]

Then as more time went by, I built up her positive traits to unbelievable proportions. I'd say by year 3 of our breakup she was a goddess. Not even a woman anymore, but a fictional character. I think by year 10 she was more of concept. A law of nature. Something no longer tangible. .

 

Ha! This is both funny and sad. The human brain is weird. Actually, I kind of had a similar experience with a guy I was obsessed with for seven years, who I hadn't seen in seven years. And ironically contact was the only that finally broke the spell for me. I got a drink with him years later and he wasn't as good looking, smart or anything as I remembered. Also, I became facebook friends with him at some point and his irritating, self-obsessed newsfeeds made me realize how lame he was. Eventually I defriended him and I haven't spoken to him in two years.

[Tony T]

Ha! This is both funny and sad. The human brain is weird. Actually, I kind of had a similar experience with a guy I was obsessed with for seven years, who I hadn't seen in seven years. And ironically contact was the only that finally broke the spell for me. I got a drink with him years later and he wasn't as good looking, smart or anything as I remembered. Also, I became facebook friends with him at some point and his irritating, self-obsessed newsfeeds made me realize how lame he was. Eventually I defriended him and I haven't spoken to him in two years.

 

It really hurts when people defriend me on Facebook, even when they have good reason...which is most of the time.

[CLC2008]

...since the last time we spoke. I guess I thought there would come a day sometime in there where he might offer up, if not an apology, just an acknowledgment of the fact that he f*cking destroyed me. But I wasn't worth even that much in his eyes.

 

I know everyone is sick of me, so if all you have to say is "it's time to get over it" or "you're sick/insane/a whiner/an egomaniac/suffering from any number of psychiatric disorders/in need of therapy/etc," I would respectfully ask that you realize I've heard it already. If I could get over this, I promise I would. Just know that in the meantime I've tried every single thing suggested on LS (therapy, getting another therapist, drugs, taking different drugs, traveling, exercise, work, reading various books.) The only thing I haven't tried is dating or sleeping with someone else, because I have absolutely zero desire, and the one person I flirted with made it very clear in no uncertain terms that he wasn't interested.

 

I miss my ex every second of every day. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. If I freakin' wake up to pee in the middle of the night, I think of him during the two minutes I'm awake. Whenever I see something beautiful or interesting or funny, I am sad that I can't share it with him.

 

After two years of NC, and almost a year before that, I know I am never going to hear from him again. I know it's time to give up hope. I know he's probably found his fiddle player and long since stopped giving me even the occasional thought. But even though I know I'm gone from his mind, I will never stop trying to be the kind of person who could have been good enough for him. Maybe then I'll be good enough for the next person, if there *is* a next person, and that would be really, really nice!!

 

The only thing I think about if/when I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, is that I can't wait to finish going the bathroom so that I can crawl back into bed and go back to sleep.

 

Anywho, I'm sorry you're feeling so down, we've all been there. I hope you feel better soon.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ha! This is both funny and sad. The human brain is weird. Actually, I kind of had a similar experience with a guy I was obsessed with for seven years, who I hadn't seen in seven years. And ironically contact was the only that finally broke the spell for me. I got a drink with him years later and he wasn't as good looking, smart or anything as I remembered. Also, I became facebook friends with him at some point and his irritating, self-obsessed newsfeeds made me realize how lame he was. Eventually I defriended him and I haven't spoken to him in two years.

 

Yeah, I had the same experience with my ex. NC didn't really work as the less contact I had with him, the more I have built him up in my mind to be someone unbeleivable in every way. It's only when I caught up with him for a coffee, after those 2 years that I saw that he isn't that good looking, or smart, or funny or even talented. He was actually kind of lame. That meeting helped me get over him completly. But then I generally have a problem of loving someone from afar, so NC kind of feeds into that.

 

On another note: sedge, please don't ignore shadowplay's posts I think she has some great insights. At least try to answer some of her questions.

[sedgwick]

There's an edge of sarcasm to the quote above. I know you'll probably deny it, but the way you write about this it's like you know on some level you're being ridiculous and he doesn't deserve it...and you resent him for the power he holds over you...but at the same time you're not going to fight back. Why?

 

I think I'm just so tired of fighting. I can't do it anymore, I'm completely exhausted.

 

It's the same way you speak in demeaning terms on the one hand about the music he plays, but at the same time venerate it. I'm wondering if you could give us some insight into why these conflicting forces arise within you?

 

I was trying to put him down to convince myself he wasn't all that great, but the truth is he IS that great, at least to me. I love the music he plays. I love HIM.

 

Do you believe in fate, and if so how does this belief relate to your own life? Do you believe that other people have control over their lives?

 

Don't believe in fate at all. Yes, I think we all have control over our lives to a certain degree, but we will always be hindered by other people. You can only control things so much; other people will sometimes control you. That's life.

 

Like who are you, aside from a writer, dancer and tattooed lady? You rarely write about what you value in the world, what you love and hate, what makes you happy. It's all about Joe. Who were you before you met him? What were you like growing up, what was your family like? You've written so much on LS, but at the same time told us so very little about who you are.

 

I wrote a whole book about this. It's available now for preorder on amazon. Message me and I'll give you the title! No, I'm not trying to be facetious, I just could never write all that out here.

 

Why not try dating even if you don't have the desire right now?

 

Because you can't date if you don't get asked out!

 

A psychiatrist can prescribe some anti-depressants. These drugs combat the sadness as well obsessive compulsive behavior.

 

Believe me, I'm the walking Physician's Desk Reference of psych meds. Prick my finger, I bleed SSRIs.

 

Yeah, I had the same experience with my ex. NC didn't really work as the less contact I had with him, the more I have built him up in my mind to be someone unbeleivable in every way. It's only when I caught up with him for a coffee, after those 2 years that I saw that he isn't that good looking, or smart, or funny or even talented.

 

Mine really IS that smart, funny, and talented. I think those would probably be the first three words anyone who knows him would use to describe him, actually. It's not a possibility for me to meet up with him, though, so I don't expect to ever get any kind of closure on this.

Edited June 24, 2010 by sedgwick

[AlwaysConflicted]

Maybe you find beauty in the sadness? It can be quite addictive.

[pandagirl]

Sedge, I know you have BPD and you're on meds, done CBT, and the whole rigmarole, so you've taken the right steps, but it's clear you have created your own reality and living in it.

 

I get it and what it's like being in that hole, but I really hope one day you see a different reality, where you realize you are worthy and this skinny-ass, scrappy musician isn't all that great and no longer will control you.

 

I hope you find peace one day, because it's clear you're an intelligent, creative, bright, beautiful woman.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Maybe you find beauty in the sadness? It can be quite addictive.

 

Yes, this is true. I am almost addicted to sadness and pain.

[sedgwick]

Yes, this is true. I am almost addicted to sadness and pain.

 

Maybe I am too. I don't know. It's more like I've been sad and in pain for as long as I can remember, since childhood, and I don't know any other way to be. Maybe I need this image of him to perpetuate that sadness because I'd feel naked without it.

 

Still, I do miss him for him, every day.

[Ingenue]

Maybe I am too. I don't know. It's more like I've been sad and in pain for as long as I can remember, since childhood, and I don't know any other way to be. Maybe I need this image of him to perpetuate that sadness because I'd feel naked without it.

 

Still, I do miss him for him, every day.

 

Sedgwick, I know what you're feeling. But to be naked is not commensurate with being vulnerable.

 

For years since I was a teenager, I isolated myself in a depressive bubble. All through my teens and early twenties, I would decline invitations to parties, dates, gatherings because the deafening silence of being alone was so much more comforting and comfortable than social situations. I would wall myself up in my room, play music and get lost in the labyrinthine thoughts of my mind.

 

The darkness that I was always clinging to and was drawn to seemed so welcoming compared to everything else. It was comforting because I knew it. It was comforting because I took solace in it and I knew what to expect from it. The darkness would never turn me away. The darkness would never disappoint me. It would never harm me. The darkness would always welcome me, its arms embracing me tight. I started to idealize it. Being alone, crying in my room, listening to music was the epitome of all that was good and reasonable in my life. How could I turn away when that was all I knew? I didn't want to be emotionally and psychologically unmoored from the familiar. Even the thought of not existing in that state of darkness was terrifying and I started suffering from a type of paralysis by analysis.

 

Then one day I decided I didn't want to be comfortable any more. I decided that the thing I idealized wasn't so ideal. I saw people being happy in things I eschewed, simple things. Why couldn't I too derive pleasure from taking a walk around the block, allowing the rain to just kiss my skin? Didn't I also deserve to derive happiness in anything other than that darkness?

 

I didn't want to take the first step out of my world. I thought that if I turned my back on the one thing that welcomed me, it would change me fundamentally. I was petrified that I would lose my sense of humour, my ability to jest, even my core sense of realism bordering on pessimism.

 

It was hard, but I forced myself. I kept on forcing myself and I did come out of it. There are days even now where I have to mentally struggle with myself to not allow myself to slip because that darkness skirts around me, beckons me.

 

I too never knew any other way to be, that is, until I tried. Maybe that's all you need to do as well, try. If you don't like it, try something else. But please don't be like me, trapped in bleakness and darkness for years. You deserve a little levity and light.