LisiEeyore Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=green][/color] I probably shouldn't even question anything but in my mind I keep doing so. I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months the day before Valentine's Day and I may be moving in July to the Richmond, Virginia area for a job upon graduation. When this topic first came up we had a huge fight, which we obviously got through, and he said that we should "throw in the towel" if I end up moving because it would never work, etc... We talked more about it and got more settled with the thought about my moving for work but i still worry. He cannot go with me because he must finish school for a full year after I would move. He then wants to go back to school to get his BS, meaning another 2 years in school. After that he wants to get a job within his field, etc... he said that if he can be in a field office closer to me in VA that is what he will request. He also says he loves me more now than he did when it all first came about and that i don't know the boundaries of his love, etc... So I guess what I'm asking is what should I think? I trust and love him more than most people in my life, I tell him everything as he does with me, and mostly he says that he wants to be with me. He has talked of engagement but at this point we both have too much to accomplish. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this incredibly delicate situation? Link to post Share on other sites
lquidmetalspine Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 I dont know if I will be much of a help, but maybe I could give something that might. My parents are never together, and they have been married for 19 years. And the only reason for that is because they are now starting to work on there retirement, though they have worked there butts off there whole life. My mother only comes home on the weekends, and my dad is always working day and night. But my whole point to this, and yes there is one lol, is that if you work hard when you are young, then it will be easy when you are older. So my advice is move and demote your relationship down to good freinds so that you can both work at what you want to do in your own lives, then when he moves closer to you, start the relationship up again. Or if you think you can do it, stay together, and work right now. If he truly loves you, and you the same for him, then Im sure it will work out. Good luck on it all. Link to post Share on other sites
junipergirl Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 I disagree that you need to move down to the level of "just friends" You can be independent and carve out your own careers in seperate locations whilst remaining together 'in spirit' with the intention of finally living/working together. Its just a question taking a chance and seeing if it works out. You will regret it if you don't at least give it a shot. I am going to be ld. with my bf. for at least another 4 years - due to study - but I find I have the best of both worlds. We are both carving out our own seperate careers but have some kind of long-term security. Its a risk for both of us, but one we are both willing to take. And there is no other person I would rather be with, so whats the point in splitting? I would rather see him once every few months rather than not at all. Try it, see what works out. Of course, it needs to be a mutual thing, but LD relationships can and do work out in the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
lquidmetalspine Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 OK well I just woke up so I'm not trying to sound like a grouch, but I did say if they though they could make it and wanna try it to do so. But I have to ask you, since you cant see your b/f for another 4 years, dont you have temptations to see other guys and giver it up? Im not telling her to stay completely off, just take the break. wouldnt it be better to find out that the other is dating another person as a freind or still trying to make it long distance? I dont know if my point is being seen. Im not saying that he will want to see other people because your just freinds, and being just freinds give you time not to think about what hes doing at this time, or worrying if he is cheating on you. Do you get the point? My cousin is going through the same thing, but his girlfreind wants to be just freinds, because you never know what will happen. If your 22 23 your still young and have alot of changes to go through before you stop changing. But the point is your still young. you cant garauntee that the relationship will be as strong or the same way as it was when you were together in person. I can agree with you there about the being together in spirit, but that is some hard stuff. I have been there before and not by choice. But how long have you been aways from your boyfreind so far juniper? Im not trying to the bad guy that puts all these bad thoughts in your head, and tries to make the worst happen, I really am trying to give you the advice that I think would be best if you look at it from other perspectives. Anyways like I said before, good luck with it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisiEeyore Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 I think that you both have valid points. I'm not ready to end my relationship over moving and we are both feeling that way at this point. Later on it may change to be something that we want to be "just friends" until we can be together more. In all actuality, my case is much different than juniper's but she makes a point. Sometimes things just work out naturally. lquidmetalspine, you also have a point. Sometimes it needs to go to being "just friends." Right now I think we're both pretty positive about staying together and trying to work it out. After all he may end up in Virginia as well when he's done with school. We trust each totally and want to be together. When I posted this note, I was aiming more to ideas of dealing with being away. We are already apart, separated by 2 hours, but see each other at least once a month, either my being at home or he coming to see me at school. We won't see each other as often if I move out of state because of distance away and also time constraints since I will be working. I took both opinions in mind and appreciate the advice you both gave. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
junipergirl Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 Originally posted by lquidmetalspine how long have you been aways from your boyfreind so far juniper? . Almost 2 years now. I am also young (ish) - 24, he's 22. And we have never succumbed to temptation, as for both of us we simply don't want to be with anybody else. He's the only guy for me. I don't even look at other people in that way. I miss him, but its not so hard as I know he is there for me and loves me. It was harder at the beginning, but it gets easier. Even though he lives 1000s of miles away I don't feel he is far away. I feel like I just saw him yesterday, even though it was actually about a month ago. I think about him a lot and feel like I see him everyday (only if he;s in my head). When we do spend time together, every single moment -- even if its just 2 weeks or a few days -- is more than worth the 2-3 months I spend away from him. As long as that continues, I think we will too. You also said something about "worrying if he is cheating on you" - Simply put, I don't, because I trust him and knows he loves me. If that trust isnt there then, yes, I agree LDRs arent worth the hassle. But why decide beforehand? You have to at least give it a shot. Just as you believe that 'why can't you be friends and see how it goes'; equally I think - why can't you remain in a relationship and see how that goes too. Its not wasting time either, all relationships involve some sort of risk & investment anyway. LDRs arent that much different, just that you need to have a stronger element of trust and commitment. Rant over. LisiEeyore - you're right, our LDR really just 'happened' naturally, it was something we fell into rather than making a consious decision about it at the start. If it doesnt work, it doesnt, however, I firmly believe its worth a shot. I think that if you are already apart and have lasted this long, you obviously already have some good strategies for long-distance and prove you can trust each other... just have to stick it out a bit longer than usual thats all! Good Luck and let us know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisiEeyore Posted February 7, 2004 Author Share Posted February 7, 2004 Juniper, I definitely agree with the fact that it will be more work. We've thus far made it through my entire school year, 2 hours apart. It'll be an added 3 hours if I get a job offer. It's definitely dealable and honestly, I don't find it to be a hastle to be together. I love him and as he says often "you are the girl I want to marry." I have no doubts of trust, my worry always goes back to his original thoughts though when the whole thing came about. That thought was "we may as well throw in the towel because it'll never work." It's funny to look back on that and know how he's change and now he justifies to his family, who doesn't believe it'll work out, that we will last if we want it to work. Some days I do get incredibly discouraged by his former thoughts and I do need him to remind me that it'll be ok. Sometimes I wish that we would have been together when I was in China for a month and there were zero chances of seeing him just to know and be more comfortable with the whole situation. As I said before I do appreciate the advice and thoughts that you both have to offer. I'll keep you updated! Link to post Share on other sites
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