Would You Use NC In This Situation

[BiAxident]

As I've been writting about for a few days now, I'm in the middle of a huge emotional mess with my XGF. She said she wanted to give our relationship another try. I hesitated out of fear and uncertainty, she moved on to opening up an account on a dating website and flirting with another guy RIGHT infront of me.

 

She says she is currently weighing her options, and told me that I'm a good one, right near the top of the list. She said that if I want to be with her, I need to show her that by continuing to hang out with her, be her friend, and show her affection. Yet, I suspect that the "flame" has already died.

 

Most people I've spoken to have told me to forget about her and move on, but I dont really have anywhere to move on to. I dont make enough money to go out and socialize. She is the only GF I've ever had, and am madly obsessively in love with her.

 

We're supposed to hang out tonight, and I highly suspect that it is going to hurt a lot of spend time around her. She lets me be loving, we cuddle and I caress her hair and face, but all the while I'll be thinking that its the last time I'll get to do it.

 

If I go NC, I give up what little chance I have left, yet preserve myself from getting hurt further. I'm already hurting rather badly, I already know who she is probably going to start dating. What I dont know is what I should do.

[northstar1]

She's playing childish games and you're enabling her to do it.

 

Frankly, it's making you seem like a doormat, and she's going to do two things with it:

 

-Continue to make you jump through hoops and give her attention on her.

-Lose respect for you because you're basically catering to her.

 

Back off from her, go NC and let her see life without you. If she comes back and wants to give it a go, great, if not, her loss and you've begun to move on.

 

Right now you're in the worst scenerio possible.

 

Going NC is not going to make it any worse my friend, trust me. What you are doing now is going to shortly land you in permanent friendzone.

[BiAxident]

 

Back off from her, go NC and let her see life without you. If she comes back and wants to give it a go, great, if not, her loss and you've begun to move on. Right now you're in the worst scenerio possible.

 

Going NC is not going to make it any worse my friend, trust me. What you are doing now is going to shortly land you in permanent friendzone.

 

First, thanks for the reply, a quick one at that. Going NC will just confirm her incorrect assumption that I dont want to be in a committed relationship with her. She'll scratch me off the list and find someone else. Happily ever after.

 

I can at least try, cant I? She said that if I had made advances a week ago she would have accepted and we'd be a couple. Shouldnt I at least TRY and fail, having known that, even though I wasted the golden ticket that is a second chance, that I at least tried?

[quankanne]

by all means, give it your best shot, but you need to lay it on the line as well, by telling her you don't play games, and that a healthy relationship doesn't need edicts like the ones she's giving you.

 

that puts the ball in her court by allowing her to see she's acting rather childish (IMO) by thwarting you because you aren't being the puppet-boy she needs.

 

sorry this is kinda harsh, but she sounds immature with this game-playing she's doing. No way in hell would I treat my man like that ... get on to him about not being affectionate, yes; telling him that I've got other options unless he gets onboard with fulfilling my demands? Hell no!

[Ilovecake]

100% agree with Northstar. It doesn't seem like you are getting anything positive out of this relationship and she gets all the benefits of having you wait around and stroke her ego by letting her walk all over you. If you keep this up you will go through years and years of horrible, unhealthy relationships like the one you're in. Man up and tell her you've had enough and she's just not worth your time. You have better thing to do than wait around for an mean, immature, high maintenance prissy. Then kick her to the curb.

[Ilovecake]

She said that if I had made advances a week ago she would have accepted and we'd be a couple.

 

Why is she putting all this on you? If she wants to do it why doesn't she make the advances? She's saying it's your fault because she's not interested in you romantically, if she was you would know.

[Circular]

She's playing childish games and you're enabling her to do it.

 

Frankly, it's making you seem like a doormat, and she's going to do two things with it:

 

-Continue to make you jump through hoops and give her attention on her.

-Lose respect for you because you're basically catering to her.

 

Back off from her, go NC and let her see life without you. If she comes back and wants to give it a go, great, if not, her loss and you've begun to move on.

 

Right now you're in the worst scenerio possible.

 

Going NC is not going to make it any worse my friend, trust me. What you are doing now is going to shortly land you in permanent friendzone.

 

 

You've been told what to do. I agree with Northstar, thing is you don't want to listen.

 

What you're really saying here is "I have not respect for myself", "Its ok if she treats me disrespectfully", "My self-worth is zero because I have no money and no options and therefore its ok for another human to treat me like crap" - Sounds harsh, but it's the only way I can throw a cold glass of water on you to open your eyes a bit. All this is a reflection of how you treat yourself internally.

 

Sure, you love this woman, you have a deep attachment to her and right now you feel like you 'blew it' - What your not looking at though is, does she love you?? really?? does she even care?? she can toss you aside in a matter of 5 days because you're on the fence?? She is toying with you, that's not love thats cruelty.

[BiAxident]

by all means, give it your best shot, but you need to lay it on the line as well, by telling her you don't play games, and that a healthy relationship doesn't need edicts like the ones she's giving you.

 

that puts the ball in her court by allowing her to see she's acting rather childish (IMO) by thwarting you because you aren't being the puppet-boy she needs.

 

sorry this is kinda harsh, but she sounds immature with this game-playing she's doing. No way in hell would I treat my man like that ... get on to him about not being affectionate, yes; telling him that I've got other options unless he gets onboard with fulfilling my demands? Hell no!

 

No need for apologies, I can admire "harsh", (we'll call it blunt). I havent really been able to reach a conclusion one way or the other as to whether or not I think her actions are childish. She expressed a LOT of interest getting back together with me, and I responded apathetically. She figured all I wanted was friends with benefits, so she moved on.

 

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to hear a woman taking my side of the issue. Still, she never issued a demand. She simply got tired of waiting, I guess, so she decided to explore other options. She said she hasn't ruled me out, though I suspect that she is going to. Can I really blame a 32 year old woman for wanting to find someone who wants to settle down with her?

[BiAxident]

100% agree with Northstar. It doesn't seem like you are getting anything positive out of this relationship and she gets all the benefits of having you wait around and stroke her ego by letting her walk all over you. If you keep this up you will go through years and years of horrible, unhealthy relationships like the one you're in. Man up and tell her you've had enough and she's just not worth your time. You have better thing to do than wait around for an mean, immature, high maintenance prissy. Then kick her to the curb.

 

Well, up until this past Saturday I was getting regular non-committal sex and someone to hang out and have fun with 4 days a week. She was the one who was waiting on me. Now, the tables have reversed; I've laid my heart out there and I'm waiting on her to step on it.

 

If a month goes by and I'm still twisting in the wind, then by all means NC is in order. She waited a good 5-6 weeks for me to give her a response, then she committed actions that illicited that response. She certainly isn't mean, and aside from requiring a LOT of physical affection to be happy, she isn't high maintainence. Immature, I'm undecided on that one.

 

Going forward, I would like to think that I wouldnt subject myself to this sort of pain over just anyone. But, I've known her for 17 years, and I loved her for 9. I made her wait, now she's making me wait, at least until she decides to choose the other guy. Once that happens, then my problem will be more straight-forward; putting myself back together.

 

As always, thanks for the reply.

[Circular]

No need for apologies, I can admire "harsh", (we'll call it blunt). I havent really been able to reach a conclusion one way or the other as to whether or not I think her actions are childish. She expressed a LOT of interest getting back together with me, and I responded apathetically. She figured all I wanted was friends with benefits, so she moved on.

 

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to hear a woman taking my side of the issue. Still, she never issued a demand. She simply got tired of waiting, I guess, so she decided to explore other options. She said she hasn't ruled me out, though I suspect that she is going to. Can I really blame a 32 year old woman for wanting to find someone who wants to settle down with her?

 

Your rationalizing to make your position correct. Like I said, this is what 99% of what people do, they rationalize there position and are here really looking for validation of their position, not advice.

 

Your basically giving her all the power, all of it. "She hasnt ruled me out", this in itself says your willing to give her total and complete power in the relationship, she'll 'own' you and you'll let her have complete control over you.

[BiAxident]

You've been told what to do. I agree with Northstar, thing is you don't want to listen.

 

What you're really saying here is "I have not respect for myself", "Its ok if she treats me disrespectfully", "My self-worth is zero because I have no money and no options and therefore its ok for another human to treat me like crap" - Sounds harsh, but it's the only way I can throw a cold glass of water on you to open your eyes a bit. All this is a reflection of how you treat yourself internally.

 

You are absolutely 100% correct with that assessment. She is the only woman who ever showed any interest in me, and when she did it was the result of her relationships going badly and her being lonely. I tried an online dating site once, but never really got anywhere and that only added onto my lack of esteem. Given my career status and social circle, I dont have any options. I guess I'd rather drink flat, diet soda than no soda at all?

 

Sure, you love this woman, you have a deep attachment to her and right now you feel like you 'blew it' - What your not looking at though is, does she love you?? really?? does she even care?? she can toss you aside in a matter of 5 days because you're on the fence?? She is toying with you, that's not love thats cruelty.

 

At one point she asked me "if you think I should stop myself from falling for you, will you tell me?". I never did tell her not to, but I think it demonstrates that she had some feelings for me, hell she was ready to marry me at one point.

 

She has stated that, when she grew tired of waiting for me to "s*** or get off the pot" she started looking at other options. Can I really blame her for that after six weeks of waiting? I've heard of couples who date for years and years without marrying, and I guess in those situations the women loved their men enough to wait. With me, she had a de-facto commitment at best.

 

I will say this though, most people who I've spoken with about this say it sounds like a game is being played. Despite my lack of confidence and yearning to be with her, these comments are starting to add up.

[BiAxident]

Why is she putting all this on you? If she wants to do it why doesn't she make the advances? She's saying it's your fault because she's not interested in you romantically, if she was you would know.

 

She DID make advances, many of them. She asked if it would be "so bad if we got back together" she asked if I was interested in trying the relationship again, she tried holding my hand at a concert we were at together. She called me all the time to arrange our hanging out. I was simply scared and unsure at the time about getting back together with her.

 

After waiting 5-6 weeks for me to come around, she decided to move on. I interpreted things differently, assuming that since we were hanging out every weekend and not spending time with other members of the opposite sex, that we were more less a defacto couple. She didnt see it that way, she wanted official committment, which I didnt provide, so she moved on.

[BiAxident]

Your rationalizing to make your position correct. Like I said, this is what 99% of what people do, they rationalize there position and are here really looking for validation of their position, not advice.

 

I wont deny that I am utilizing a LOT of rationalization, though I'd at least like to think that I'm doing it to try and gain understanding of the situation. Still, your observation is correct.

 

Your basically giving her all the power, all of it. "She hasnt ruled me out", this in itself says your willing to give her total and complete power in the relationship, she'll 'own' you and you'll let her have complete control over you.

 

Again, you are correct in that she has ALL of the power right now, every last drop of it. But, if I want a chance at the relationship, which I do, I dont see what alternative I have? Although I suppose your point is valid, that if she has all the power now, whats to stop her from holding it over my head later on down the line with the threat of leaving me?

 

But we dated before, for two years, and I kept her happy throughout (at least day to day happy, she left me because she assessed that we wanted different things out of life) we never had an argument, got along great, etc, etc, so I'm not so sure if power balance would be an issue.

 

Then again, this IS the topic of relationships were discussing, which are, to some degree, all about power, no?

 

Thanks for the reply

[Circular]

But we dated before, for two years, and I kept her happy throughout (at least day to day happy, she left me because she assessed that we wanted different things out of life) we never had an argument, got along great, etc, etc, so I'm not so sure if power balance would be an issue.

 

Then again, this IS the topic of relationships were discussing, which are, to some degree, all about power, no?

 

Thanks for the reply

 

Hmmmm... I don't remember you stating this before. So, you were in a relationship and "She left me" stating "wanted different things" which is a womans way of saying "I'm totally bored in this relationship and there is this cute guy I just met who seems more interesting"

 

The words "We never had an argument" are bad words. Healthy relationships argue, unhealthy ones either fight constantly or dont argue at all (passive aggression).

 

Look, if you really want to do this then hit the reset button and go back to very beginning - treat her like you just met her. Don't talk to her for about 2 weeks, then call her and go grab some coffee, be casual. Don't spend a lot of time together, be on your A game. Leave it as "it was fun catching up" then don't talk to her for another week or so, rinse and repeat... go slow, pick up steam gradually. I ABSOLUTELY GUARNTEE if you try to engage this relationship where it left off you'll be exactly there = at the end, and ready to end again.