Is there something I can say to her to make things right? I really love this girl :(

[afyreinside]

Im 16.she is 16.We met about 8 months ago, she has 2 classes with me, and we hit it off pretty good.I fell in love with her within the first few days after meeting her.She had a crush on me to. Well we kind of went out for a few weeks,I got my first kiss, and alot of them I got,and everywhere(even in Kroger checkout line,lol Ill remember that one for a long time ).Things were great for a few weeks untill a concert...We were supposed to meet at a Taking Back Sunday concert one day,because me and her both love emo.Well she got there early, and when I got there she was making out with this loser ex-fbuddy she told me she was through with.And I later found out they f'd in the bathroom.Needless to say I left the concert.That was the Worst day of my life EVER.... period.Think about it, this is my dream girl, she's very beautiful,full of personality,and smart,funny,and sweet.I knew she was kinda involved with this loser But I thought she was done with him .Well after a week(maybe not even that long) of not talking to each other, we kiss and make up,I forgave her, and I went on with my perfect little world with my friend/gf.But then later on in the month, I think,(its been awhile) I get a call, at 2:30 in the morning, she f'ed him again at a party my best friend was delivering weed to.Oh my god, worst day of my life No.2.Well that time I was done with her for good.Christmas break went by, I didnt awnser her phone calls even though I wanted to and thought she was out of my life(which was a bad thing) untill we went back to school.I thought maybe she would have gotten the picture and not talk to me and maybe I'd eventually forget about her... well the first thing she does when she sees me in the hallway is she runs up and gives me a huge hug and told me how much she missed me.sigh,I fell again,I am so powerless.Things were stable for a while,except no more kisses,I think this where the just friends thing kicked in ... like I said things were stable for a while untill she started f'ing him(and then later on a different guy btw) on a regular basis,which wasnt a big shocker to me, I was used to it by then.And this went on for a little while and died off.And it was dead for a long time. and everything went back to semi-normal again(still nothing above friendship though)And it stayed like this for a while.

 

 

^^^^^^^^All that happened a while back.... this is whats currently happening.

 

Last tuesday she decided to screw Jordan(assclown #1) again,which puts me back on square 1.She even went into detail, which I got a mental image that just hurt so so bad.The thought of them two just talking to each other sends me into a frenzy... I cant stand it.Of course I dont mention this to her,I dont want her to know im jealous.

 

 

But anyways,moving on... Everytime something goes wrong, Im ALWAYS there for her to talk to... You would think, after geting treated badly by two idiots,being talked about non-stop at school,and thought of as a wh*** by her family, you would THINK that she would give me another chance when it seems like I'm only person in the world who doesnt think she's a wh***,who doesnt think she's a bad person and cheers her up when she's had a bad day.

 

But now, she's confusing the living hell out of me.She is always flirting with me,tells me how I have perfect lips and face etc.And she always puts her legs over mine in class, or if were in a car she'll lay on me or sit in my lap or something.So she is really sending me mixed signals.I dont know what she wants from me.Another thing that kind of wierds me out, is we get comments ALL the time on what a cute couple we make(its really hard to tell were just friends).Hell it almost IS a relationship already,people say we act like were married.I mean we go everywhere together,theres a little affection there, but were still just friends,which is wierd cause we dont act like it.All thats really left to add is more physical contact and a title,everything else is there already. Anyway what would some of you guys do in my position.I dont want to find someone else,because if I wanted to I could,easily.Someone please tell me theres something I can say to make things good again.

[SoleMate]

Ooooooohhhhh.

 

Such pain.

 

You are infatuated with a young lady who has definitely got some issues with psychosocial adjustment. Her promiscuous sexuality may be a symptom of deeper problems, and is additionally inviting more trouble into her life with her continuing actions. You are the knight she has chosen to rescue her - the damsel in distress. Only do this if you want to end up with a distressed damsel. She's taken you on an emotional ride already. You can't change her, you can only fit into this life she has built for herself (or been pushed into by events - I don't know her story).

 

What do you want...her love? Her respect? Her sexual attention? Her fidelity? The feeling that you are the knight who has rescued this troubled lady?

 

Try saying, "If you do skanky stuff like that again, you can cross me off your cell phone." Then do it.

 

Good luck...I think.

[afyreinside]

"You are infatuated with a young lady who has definitely got some issues with psychosocial adjustment. Her promiscuous sexuality may be a symptom of deeper problems and is additionally inviting more trouble into her life with her continuing actions."

 

Man you nailed it, what are you a psychiatrist? Yes she has had a very rough life, her dad left her when she was born,her mother 7 yrs later, it bothers her alot.People at school put more stress on her, by talking behind her back and etc.And I think she looks for escapes in the wrong places.(guys that treat her really bad)

 

"You are the knight she has chosen to rescue her - the damsel in distress. Only do this if you want to end up with a distressed damsel." I dont mind

 

"She's taken you on an emotional ride already. You can't change her, you can only fit into this life she has built for herself (or been pushed into by events - I don't know her story)." I dont want to change her I just want her with me and not all these other scumbags.

 

What do you want...her love? Her respect? Her sexual attention? Her fidelity? The feeling that you are the knight who has rescued this troubled lady?

I want her to love me.I want the things we had before. I wish there was something I could say to her, to give me another chance because she wouldnt regret it.Were so perfect for each other its not even funny,its so obvious too, everyone else sees it.But I cant get her to calm down with the sex with losers.She does this because her self-esteem or confidence or whatever is low, she says she's ugly and stuff and she's not.She's perfect on the outside and the inside.

[SoleMate]

Abandonment by both parents is one of the most severe traumas a child can undergo. Security in the love of a caregiver is essential for mental health. What is her livin situation now? Is she with foster parents, grandparents, etc.?

 

Oddly enough, the best way to get closer to her and maybe talk her out of what she is doing requires very little talking at all. Mostly listening to the feelings that she is sharing. Like this:

 

HER: I'm nothing at all, everybody hates me and calls me a slut.

 

DON'T SAY: You're beautiful, I love you, don't listen to them.

 

SAY: It must be awful to feel like you're nothing. I want you to know I think you're really beautiful inside and out and I am here for you.

 

HER: I'm not, I'm a loser!

 

DON'T SAY: Why are you always down on yourself? Why do you spend time with those creeps?

 

SAY: It must be awful to feel like a loser. I want you to know I think you're really beautiful inside and out and I am here for you.

 

Etc.

 

By the way, rehabilitating a child with self esteem issues and behavioral problems is a huge project. I would never discourage someone from this - I think it's a better use of your time than vido games or drinking beer in the woods. Better give up any other extracurricular activities you may have been considering, and starting spending your spare time at the library or bookstore, getting books by Aaron Beck and those dealing with the various dysfunctions this girl is undergoing.

 

Final point: The roles of "rehabilitator" and "boyfriend" may be frequently blended, but I consider it rather gross. Her major need at this time is stable love WITHOUT demands for sexual "payback", to help her break the cycle of using her sexuality to prove that she is worth loving. Sounds like you want to be close to her and have sex. This will NOT be good for her. To do this decently, you must be JUST a platonic friend.

 

You may be biting off way more than you can chew.

[afyreinside]

When her mom left her, her moms boyfriend adopted her, he's a great guy though, they dont get along too much.Btw do you have any titles of books I need to read? And would a book store like Books-a-million have them?

 

"Sounds like you want to be close to her and have sex."

 

Not at all.Sex isnt even something im worried about,I could care less about it.I just want her to be with me, and make each other happy.I dont like being depressed all the time.Im sure she doesnt like it either.

 

"You may be biting off way more than you can chew."

 

No, not at all.Sounds good to me, read a few books,get a good understanding of how her mind works, sounds fun!

[Asthenia spikes]

hmm sounds similar to my problem... my gf ****ed another guy... coz she thought we were about to break up.... coz i didnt talk to her 4 a while, its not that i dun want to is that i cant... i'm in another country wif no internet or phone... those time was a shocker....

my world crumbles... even tho she've dun stupid things... i still 4give her coz 4 sumthing i just cant let her go and coz i love her too much.... every friend of mine said i'm the thickest person of all... they all told me to let go of her... but i just cant...

we r still in another country... so its a long dist relo... it hurts n it hurts bad.... i'm near breakin down... i'm seirous... i, well hurt myself... coz my thought is full of ****.... n its aaahh i duno

buddy all i can tell u is to, 4give n 4get its hard coz i duno if i can do it or not... but yea and talk n talk n talk... talk things thru... SoleMate made sum really good point about wat to say n not to say as, if u say stupid things it mite annoy her n upset her...

well i wish u good luck n take care....

now wheres did my bottle goes....

[SoleMate]

OK...I'm not a psychiatrist but I play one one Loveshack. This girl may be experiencing depression partially triggered by abandonment and resulting low self-esteem. A major symptom in teenage girls is sexual promiscuity in a manner that appears destructive to outsiders.

 

If you can't find the exact titles below, look for books on depression, teen depression, and cognitive therapy.

 

Websites

 

Teen depression: http://members.aol.com/elrophe/teendepression.html

 

Adolescent Depression: Helping Depressed Teens http://www.hoptechno.com/book34.htm

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN A FRIEND IS DEPRESSED: A Guide for Teenagers http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/24.cfm

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=221

 

Books

 

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself by Laura Epstein Rosen, Xavier F. Amador

 

Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy by Aaron Beck

 

Good luck, please post again when you need more help.

[Asthenia spikes]

hmm after readin from those link... i'm having a depression.... never no i'm havin depression... thats weird... n solemate could u help me wif my prob as well? u can read my post... to understand... pm me plz

[SoleMate]

Hi Asthenia -

 

I can help...but I prefer to do it in the forum, and I am not sure which posts really describe your situation. Can you start a new thread with "depressed" in the title? I'll reply to that.