Counseling....

[Crying uncle]

After 18 years of marriage, no sex most of that time, not sleeping in the same bed with husband for over a year, husband moving out 5 weeks ago and FINALLY after all this time, seeking counseling for himself because after many years of begging him to either seek it for himself or for us he finally said he had issues and now.....I feel I am back at square one....

 

He went to some sessions by himself and then told me that he felt he was trying to resolve a problem that required two people to solve it and asked me to go with him the next time. So I did. We sat there and talked to a stranger who couldn't even begin to comprehend what our marriage has been about and seemed to both of us to be so far off the mark that we left shaking our heads. This guy brought up things that just made no sense. I don't even have a clue what my husband's "issues" are - first time he ever mentioned it was when he said he was going to go to counseling.

 

The counselor then asked me to come in and see him alone and the strangeness continued. More goofy questions from him about things that have no bearing on what's going on. He would make comments about some things he and my husband talked about but then wouldn't tell me anything. I wasn't looking for him to violate any confidence but, for example, he says he asked my husband if he was gay (which is what I suspect) but didn't tell me what the answer was... Huh? Is this helpful??? Is he gay? Have I been beating my head against the wall for 18 years over something I never had any control over? Is the point of counseling to confuse people to the point where they are more confused than ever?

 

In a nutshell, I am either married to an asexual being or a guy who is a nonpracticing gay. I feel at this point that I don't care which it is - any answer would be a relief and I could at least have something concrete to deal with. He has never had much interest in sex since the git go - even while dating. I made the mistake of marrying him for security and safety - I settled. I spent too many years trying to convince myself life was good and could be good without any sex in my marriage because I made a committment. Now I'm 47 years old, angry, resentful and plain old p**sed off!

 

This counselor seems to believe that it's my husband who is angry at me not vice versa - angry for 18 years? What's that about? My husband says there is no anger. Then the counselor tells me that maybe it's a matter of technique? Say what? What technique? This guy doesn't seem to listen! I was honest and upfront, told him that after all the years of trying, trying and trying to stimulate some interest in sex with my husband I had no desire to have him even touch me now and his advice is to let him move back in so we can work on learning how to have sex??? HUH??? I know how to "have sex" - I just don't want it with him now. Whatever desire I had for him was beaten down a long time ago.

 

I know many people seek counseling for a variety of reasons and many are helped by it but, I'll tell ya, after this experience..... Sure, another counselor might have a different take on things, might actually listen but why spend $100 an hour? I know what the problem is, I don't need to spend that kind of money to have someone tell me what I already know.

 

Yes, I'm just blowing off steam here but I'm also at a loss as to what I should do. We're supposed to go back again next week, my husband is moving back home at the end of the month and I want to run screaming into the next county. I don't want to leave him, he doesn't want a divorce but how can we ever survive? It's not going to change for two reasons - he just plain doesn't like sex and even if he somehow all of a sudden did, I can't bear the thought of sleeping in the same bed let alone doing anything else. I am torn in two - honor my marriage vows and stick together through thick and thin or get the hell out. My husband is a good man, I believe (hope) that I am a good woman. We are just totally incompatible in the sex department. I don't want to hurt him and he doesn't want to hurt me but how can I go on this way? I know when he comes back home he'll head for the "marriage bed" and I know at that point my head will blow off..... Can a marriage between good friends be enough? And also is it at all possible that no counselor will be able to help either one of us? Is it at all possible that I know what the problem is, what decisions have to made and just can't find my way clear to make them? I almost feel like I'm answering my own post but any other perspective is more than welcome.

[Tony T]

The anger you must feel after 18 years of rejection, emptiness, etc. must be overwhelming.

 

From your post, I do not feel the counsellor you are seeing is competent to deal effectively with this problem. However, you have to understand, if you call the Fire and Rescue Squad for a heart attack victim 15 years or more after the victim has gone into cardiac arrest, it is likely they will find the victim not only dead but well into decomposition. You have essentially presented this poor therapist with a marriage so crumbled and deteriorated that it could take years to bring back, if that's even possible.

 

Your husband has some very serious issues which should have been explored in your first year of marriage. His lack of interest in sex could be medically related, such as high blood pressure, mitral valve prolapse, tachycardia (fast beating heart) and he should have a good physicial examination to rule out that. Other causes for his lack of interest could be: affects of medication he is on, stress, low testosterone levels, various panic and phobid disorders or other deep seated psychological problems, an addiction to masturbation, etc. etc.

 

If he was not all that interested in sex when you were dating, why in heaven's name would you expect him to get that aroused after 18 years of marriage.

 

You seem to be absolutely committed to being with him regardless and that is wonderful. Consider changing counsellors to someone highly competent in this area. Have your husband get a physical. If this fails, you will need highly competent therapy for yourself to cope with the anger and frustration you must sustain on a daily basis. It will only get worse unless you are able to deal with it.

 

Your problem is very complex and requires a lot more expertise than most anyone here can give you. I urge you to aggressively seek professional help in these areas and do what you can to save your marriage. You live only once and it sounds like you are missing out on an important part of it.

[Nina]

After so many years it's natural for you to feel a lot of anger and resentment. Although from what you've posted I would guess that this counselor may not be for you, there is one thing I want to mention.

 

As an undergraduate student in psychology, I've of course taken many courses about counseling and different theories of personality formation that drive the counseling and talk therapy portion of the field of mental health.

 

One of the first reactions many patients or loved ones of patients have is anger and resentment, and this is about 90% of the time directed at the therapist. So you aren't alone in this reaction. I have to agree with the therapist on the one count. Patient confidentiality is a very sticky thing. By even asking you questions he may be endangering himself for a lawsuit. It's a terrible thing, but in this country, nowadays, lawsuits are important to think about as a mentla health practitioner especially. I have to take a law and ethics class now, new to the program, because of the huge proliferation in lawsuits for counselors.

 

A lot of times a therapist will ask questions that seem unrelated to the issue. But 75% of a current problem is usually rooted in past experiences. For example, you have a patient who is a drug abuser. You don't treat the drug addiction, though. You find out why they lack adequate coping skills to deal with reality on a normal basis and work from there.

 

All a therapist does is evaluate your current mental state, determine where you the patient want to be (unless we're dealing with a psychotic or schizophrenic) and help them to find that place. It takes a long time, is painful and can be a very arduous journey. But the goal is to strengthen relaitonships and support networks and help the patient achieve a healthy outlook.

 

My question is that if you have no desire to be with your husband, and if it is painful to continue the relationship, why are you still involved?