Dealing With Rejection

[Iso86]

Hi guys, long time lurker, first time poster here!

 

I guess the issue of getting over a rejection or a breakup has already been covered countless times, but being human, I guess we all think that our circumstances are unique, even though they're the same, and I suppose I need to vent a little, so please hear me out.

 

I knew this girl in the middle of last year, because we were in the same class. Didn't have much reason to talk to each other at first, but then we ended up in a smaller group for tutorials and started talking to each other. We hit it off pretty well, discovered that we could tolerate each other for more than a few minutes, and decided to study together for the upcoming finals.

 

Over the course of a few months, we grew pretty close and became good friends. I considered her one of my closest friends at that point, if not the closest, and I think she felt the same about me. So we started hanging out together more, went for meals, a movie or two and spent hours chatting in person and online. Being close friends, I guess we soaked each other's emotional issues as well, what with her unstable relationship with her guy, and my long-distance one which was dying rapidly.

 

Considering that we were keeping in very frequent contact with each other for a few months (I think at one point we were texting each other 20-30 times a day), I suppose it was inevitable that feelings would get involved and I fell for her. Completely. She had a great personality, had a similar sense of humour, and I thought she was the prettiest thing in the world. Above all things, we got along marvelously, and mutual friends have asked me why I haven't asked her out yet.

 

Our previous relationships ended at roughly the same time, and some weeks later, I told her my feelings. Unfortunately, her answer was a flat 'no'. She said that we were good friends, and that my company was enjoyable, but that she couldn't see us as anything more than just friends. And that was that. Even more unfortunately, I became really emotional, and never really recovered since. It's been five months.

 

She's back together with her previous guy, and they're happy together, from what I hear. So life has been good for her. It hasn't for me. I've been despondent since the night I got rejected, and things have been awkward between us. We still see each other because of our mutual friends who arrange group outings, and conversation is polite, but when I do talk to her alone, things are bad. I've called her two or three times since, and I just end up being really emotional and nearly in tears while she tried to steer the conversation to everyday topics. And things have been like that since.

 

I've never asked anyone out since, and I guess I'm not ready to, considering my current state. I really still miss her, even though I seldom talk to her anymore, and have been depressed for the past few months. The loss was two-fold - not only was I rejected, but I lost one of my best friends in the process, one who I talked to every day. Going from sharing everything and doing stuff together to silence the next day is harsh. I still really want to be with her, even though it's not possible, I guess, and I still wonder where things went wrong, and whether everything was just in my head. Part of me regrets ever falling in love with her, because it has brought nothing but trouble.

 

I've given myself time to recover, but it's been a long time, considering the fact that we were never together in the first place, so I should have gotten over it by now. But I haven't. I still think of her every day, feel terrible every day, and every time I see her is a reminder of what I've lost.

 

So, dear forumers, I need advice, on what I should do to forget her.

 

As I've mentioned before, over the past few months (which were completely terrible), we've hanged out in the same group of friends, something which I know now to be a mistake, because it made me feel worse and worse, and I ended up calling and e-mailing her around once a month regarding my feelings and depression over the issue. Most of the communication basically consisted of me just saying to her 'hey, I'm sorry for not being able to handle things right now, and I hope we could be friends in the future', but as the months went by, and my mood worsened, I just ended up getting sadder and sadder over the phone and, well, I suppose it was getting really uncomfortable for her.

 

I now know that keeping in contact with her was just bad, and wasn't helping me or her at all, but I also wonder if, perhaps, I went too far in calling and e-mailing her about these things repeatedly, and whether my behaviour was stalker-ish or obsessive. On one hand, we used to be really close, and kept in frequent contact, and she did express some willingness to talk about things with me if I really needed to. On the other hand, I now feel like a dick for not leaving her alone, and wonder if, from an external perspective, it is a normal part of coping or a sign that I'm being obsessive or trying to manipulate things.

 

So, if any of you think that I acted out of line, please tell me so. If I did take things too far, the friendship may be beyond repair, and given the fact that I told her that I'm not going to contact her for a long time, I can't really ask her, because at this point in time she's probably afraid of me.

 

Thanks.

[Cracker Jack]

This is one of the hardest things to overcome, but it's possible. I know how you feel. I actually had a relationship with my best friend, and while it was enjoyable while it lasted, it ended horribly wrong. She ended up going back to her boyfriend (Who abused her) and got engaged to him. She then became really resentful towards me for caring about her and questioning her decision, and I ended up losing her friendship, also. Someone I knew and grew close to for 6yrs was out of my life completely over nothing It nearly destroyed me as a man, but I had to look past one way or another.

 

I think the best thing you could do right now is invest your interests in a hobby. Yeah, easier said than done, but there's nothing like (In my case, Tennis) shifting your focus onto something you never even considered before, enjoying it, and realizing there are many more opportunities in life instead of total despair over a woman who didn't share feelings with you on the same level.

 

Your feelings are perfectly normal, but at this point, there's no turning back. You can't communicate with her anymore; that will only stunt your growth now. I also think you should pay more attention other women, too. In all likelihood, you won't see anyone who interests you because you're still a bit shaken up, but in due time, you'll begin to open your mind up more and become friends and eventually lovers with another woman.

 

It's a process. Right now is the healing process. Just give yourself some times to erase her from your system and you'll do fine.

[sumdude]

Man I know it's not easy, I know how hard it can be. A few years back my wife just up and moved out without warning. Left me for another man, lied, cheated and played with my head and heart. I was pretty devastated. Took me a long time to get through that. So now I find myself dealing with a friend who turned into a lover now friend and bandmate. LOL how do I get myself into these situations.

 

Anyway the best things to do are.

 

Get busy living your life. Like the previous poster said get into hobbies, interests, go out with your buddies.. Make yourself do it even if you don't feel like it. In fact make yourself meet new women. Thing is though I'm a bit down about my current situation I also laugh a little because at least I'm not pining over my crap ex wife anymore! It gets a lot easier to forget a past love when you're ba!!s deep in another!

[WTRanger]

A great post a while ago from on the of more respected people on here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80765/

 

While this wasn't a full blown relationship in your case, the topics discussed I think are relevant.

 

Plainly put, you didn't want to lose something you cared about. So you tried your best to not lose it, but the more your tried the more you actually made it worse. Just learn from this and know when to pull back. Know when it's just not worth it to fight the good fight.

[Iso86]

Thanks for the advice guys!

 

Yeah I've been distracting myself with friends and various activities, which tends to work a bit before I start wondering what it would be like to have her participating in them as well, but it's definitely an improvement over lying in bed and refusing to do anything.

 

I realise that it wasn't a full-blown relationship as well, which is why I'm wondering why I'm handling it so terribly. I suppose I got a bit too emotionally invested in her, and maybe she did in me as well for a while, or perhaps she just needed a friend and I happened to be there, and the attachment was purely on my side. So I guess part of my wants closure, and I want to know whether we actually shared anything or that I was the one who tried to push the boundaries too far.

 

Yeah, WTRanger, I agree that things became worse when I tried to salvage things because I really didn't want to lose her, but when I tried to restore things back to normal, I found myself over-analysing things and worrying too much about this and that, and I suppose I just freaked out in the end, which also caused her to freak out. But I really wonder as well whether she was honest in saying that she really wanted me back as a friend, or whether it was just something she said to get me off her back and out of her life. And whenever I contacted her she kept saying that we should move on and be friends, but well, what's the use of being friends if we don't talk or hang out anymore? And even if we do see each other sometimes, we just resort to polite talk, because both of us (or perhaps just me) are too affected by the issue to talk like we used to anymore. So maybe we're never meant to be good friends again.

 

Sorry for rambling, I'm just confused and depressed at the moment, and it hurts because I've not only been rejected and lost out on a love interest, but also lost a good friend. And there are still questions pertaining to the matter that I wish to ask her, and I don't see a need to hide my feelings or thoughts about the matter from her, but I guess she is either afraid, angry, or worst of all, doesn't care anymore.