monkey Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Hi, I suppose anyone would hurt if they were told by there partner certain things & then once you'd got on a plane & travelled 6000 miles, you realised that they said it because i wanted to hear those words, & i'd get home without being upset. Although the last month we were together, we were just friends, we spent lots of time together, cycling, having dinner, going to the beach etc but no sex or kissing, but plenty of huggs & holding hands. I handled it bad when she said she just wanted to be friends & i felt our new life had fallen apart & my panic attacks started again & she spent time with me & helped me but it hurt her. Since i've been home, i ask her in my mails if she will hang onto her word & let me show her my changes that i'm working on, she promised me this! I've been a little depressed & upset & instead of venting on loveshack i ask her. She's been angry with me for mailing too much, although 1 a week was arranged & not to talk of the future & us (things i want to talk of) but understandably, i'm hurt & upset by her actions. Now i'm not going to contact her, respecting her space, does anyone think that she may be curious of how i am & respect me more. Space means 'time to heal', & i wasn't giving it, but this i do now & when people are angry they say stuff that mabe they not mean because they are angry & understandably. This isn't my fault, but i understand her hurting, i just hope the healing process works & i get my chance & i get the feeling she was saying stuff in anger. She still cares for me but not romantically, i only want to show her the transformation i'm undergoing, nothing written in stone! Sorry for repeating my ****, but thats what loveshack is all about, Venting on here is better than to you other half! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 What transformation? All you're doing is trying to convince everyone you've changed. You aren't changing. Go back and read what you've written. You sound as if you are paying no attention whatsoever to anything but your own feelings. This is driving her further and further away. You are undermining yourself. Go here and read this: http://www.stopyourdivorce.com There are samples here: http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/samples.htm I haven't tried the book, but there are some good points on the web site. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 By the way, lost is 100% right--you aren't changing, you're just trying to tell us that you're changing, thinking that if you convince us, you'll convince your girlfriend. Originally posted by monkey thats what loveshack is all about, Venting on here is better than to you other half! I hope you don't believe this. Link to post Share on other sites
RobertoPNW Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 I'm curious to know those three sentences that are supposedly so helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 2, 2004 Author Share Posted February 2, 2004 Ok , then what can i do. Chicago said to me 'contact her & i'll push her further', so i'm telling you i'm not!! Dyermaker, People on here in many threads, especially the ones kanuk wrote, said to vent sll day on here, instead of contacting your gf. Ok, what do i do. I'm just saying my intentions, are you saying i don't do this & carry on as i was. All i can do is this for her, abide by her wishes, admit my mistakes. What i'm saying is what my plan of action is, for her. Because i care for her. I can't prove that i'll carry it on in the future, but i will or i'll **** up! What the hell you expect me to do. I'm for once thinking of her instead of me! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Loveshack is for venting, support, advice and to get your a** kicked when needed. When you have a coherent and appropriate thought or sentiment, you can share it with your SO. Monkey, I do hope you are getting serious medical attention for the panic attacks. You need to get your own head together so you can go through life without grabbing at this girl like she's the last life preserver on the Titanic. Yes, the life preserver will not see you as so much of a pest when you stop grabbing at it. Let's all repeat, together now: "You must love your own healthy self before someone else can love you." Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 2, 2004 Author Share Posted February 2, 2004 Yes it does look as if i'm concentrating on 'the needs of me', i'm not doing this in a selfish way, even though it may seem. I am the one wanting to get back with her! I am the one using loveshack for advice & hopefully to support others!, so this is what i'm doing. Asking the support of people on here & taking advice. It just takes time to prove it. What can i do! & i have been selfish in the past towards my needs. The transformation thing, by the way, is not realy to do with my ways of contacting her. It's more to do with my medical & a couple of other things in my life i need to sort. Of which there HAS been a remarkable transformation & has been worked on a lot. I'm sure if you knew my situation a little more, you may agree.! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Originally posted by monkey Dyermaker, People on here in many threads, especially the ones kanuk wrote, said to vent sll day on here, instead of contacting your gf. What you said was that venting on here is better than communication with your girlfriend; however, a healthy relationship thrives on communication, not mere introspection. Those who advocate venting on here (I assume) are doing so in the context of working out problems with yourself. When the issues involve both of you, or even moreso, the interaction between the two of you--communication is essential. Venting on here is easier, not better. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 I'm really glad that you have decided to break contact for a while - it was doing you harm and making you feel guilty for being ill. If posting here helps you keep that resolve then that's fine - post on! It sounds like your therapy is going well too. These are signs of progress - take heart from them. Really you would do better to concentrate on getting better for yourself, rather than just for her. If it's meant to be it will be. In these early days though, it is more important that you keep the focus on getting better rather than worrying about the future so just do what is best to help you get through these difficult times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 Mabe it wasn't clear, but i did mean that rather than bombard my s/o with things, talking on here is easier & gets it off my chest. Time to communicate between us will come, but until then!! I just feel hard done by that my panic attacks pushed her away from me, where as if the roles were reversed, i'd have loved & cared & done anything to help her & my bond would've been closer, but i guess we're not all alike. She helped me & it took it's tole on her & i'm feeling crap because this. Who knows, after time what will happen. She always said to me to be positive in life, so i am. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Don't worry - they are probably just not aware of the background from your other threads. You need support and that is what LS is for. The venting thing has cropped up in other threads so you got the policy, rather than the personal line if you know what I mean . You are still feeling guilty as if you are at fault for being ill - your head knows you are wrong but your heart still believes your girl. Keep telling yourself it's not your fault, keep away from her for now and ask your therapist to help you get rid of these destructive thoughts. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted February 4, 2004 Author Share Posted February 4, 2004 Thanks Meanon Both solemate & dyermaker are correct, a healthy relationship is based on communucation, but when i've so many unanswered things going on in my head & i feel so frustrated because i couldn't help my prob & instead of pushing her & not respecting her space, it is better to release my steam on here! Solemates right, i feel like a pest, but i dont want to be one. My s/o alwayys told me we would see each other in the near future & see how it went, but when someone says that & then once i'm back here, says something else, it destroys you & you feel so decieved & sick that the person you love & spent so many times with could do this, although i believe she thinks it was for the best, this is why i've no animosity towards her. i just miss her so much, & my heart aches. It all just gets too much sometimes! Link to post Share on other sites
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