IceIceBaby Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Tonight I went out with a guy I met online...it was our first meeting. I'm 28, he's 27...both have good jobs. We had dinner and drinks and the date went really well. When the bill came he grabbed it and we kept talking for a few minutes. And then asked me how I wanted to deal with the bill. He basically asked if I wanted to chip in or if he should cover it. It was a little awkward so I said I would chip in. So we both paid for ourselves. So my question is...besides the awkwardness of it, is this something I should be concerned about? I've heard so many times that the guy should pay on the first date. What do you all think about this? He seemed like a really nice guy and was definitely nervous, so I don't know if that played into it. But I know he wants to see me again and is already making plans. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Yes, the guy should pay. No, I would not go out with him again. He has a golden opportunity to impress you, and he doesn't? No way. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Ummm...wow...that is questionable...as a guy, I'm disappointed in his behavior and can only infer that he's either a pretentious douche, not very confident, or a combination thereof... Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Yes, the guy should pay. I completely agree, but to go even further, he should never ask the girl if she'd like to "chip in"...that's just tacky...it should only come up if the girl offers unsolicited... Link to post Share on other sites
Major Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Tonight I went out with a guy I met online...it was our first meeting. I'm 28, he's 27...both have good jobs. We had dinner and drinks and the date went really well. When the bill came he grabbed it and we kept talking for a few minutes. And then asked me how I wanted to deal with the bill. He basically asked if I wanted to chip in or if he should cover it. It was a little awkward so I said I would chip in. So we both paid for ourselves. So my question is...besides the awkwardness of it, is this something I should be concerned about? I've heard so many times that the guy should pay on the first date. What do you all think about this? He seemed like a really nice guy and was definitely nervous, so I don't know if that played into it. But I know he wants to see me again and is already making plans. Thoughts? Do you want to go out with this guy again? I mean come on. This is rude. It's called being a gentlemen. If you allow that approach, this is what you are setting yourself up for. I don't care if it is 2050. Most gentlemen don't act like that. Yes, you can date divas who think they should order the most expensive thing off the menu because they are really insecure and selfish, but gentlemen don't act this way. Maybe he thinks he is being modern or something, but guys expect to pay for the meal. I think it really goes against the grain of a man's ego to have a woman pay for the meal. I'm sure some guys will chime in, but you two aren't long time friends or anything...this was a date. I wouldn't do it. Even if I really started liking him and maybe offered to pay a few times, a gentlemen who has respect for himself and women wouldn't do this I don't think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 Do you want to go out with this guy again? I mean come on. This is rude. It's called being a gentlemen. If you allow that approach, this is what you are setting yourself up for. I don't care if it is 2050. Most gentlemen don't act like that. Yes, you can date divas who think they should order the most expensive thing off the menu because they are really insecure and selfish, but gentlemen don't act this way. Maybe he thinks he is being modern or something, but guys expect to pay for the meal. I think it really goes against the grain of a man's ego to have a woman pay for the meal. I'm sure some guys will chime in, but you two aren't long time friends or anything...this was a date. I wouldn't do it. Even if I really started liking him and maybe offered to pay a few times, a gentlemen who has respect for himself and women wouldn't do this I don't think. Well we did have alot of fun. It was a really great first date, but then I was a little disappointed when he said that. My last long term boyfriend never treated me...yet I often treated him. And it got old really fast. I just don't want to end up like that again. But it was only the first date so I also don't want to read into things too much. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 what a cheapa$$ No more dates with him Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Good on him for making the date fair. All of the "man should pay", "one opportunity to impress you" claims just smack of superiority and juvenile entitlement issues. Are you not equals? Is your time more valuable than his? Are you doing him a favour by going out with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 Is your time more valuable than his? Are you doing him a favour by going out with him? Of course I don't think either of those things. Everyone in my life has just always told me the guy should treat on the first date. So now I can't help but think something is wrong since this guy didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Whose idea was dinner and drinks? And who said the male has to ALWAYS impress the female? BTW, I do normally pay on the first date, but always depends on the set of circumstances that surround that first date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 Whose idea was dinner and drinks? And who said the male has to ALWAYS impress the female? BTW, I do normally pay on the first date, but always depends on the set of circumstances that surround that first date. He asked me out. Link to post Share on other sites
that girl Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I don't think the guy should always pay, but not paying on the first date could suggest cheapness considering most guys pay. And it is very awkward to be asked "Do you want to cheap in?" But if you like him, go out with him again. See how a few dates go before you worry about this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I didn't ask who asked who out... I asked: Whose idea was dinner and drinks. I know it sounds like it's the same thing, but it truly isn't... and I'm not trying to be patronizing. I'm trying to give you an honest assessment. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Because of STUPID pointless customs I will often pay for the FIRST date. But seriously I like a little give and take even in the begining. Like if I bought dinner and then the girl offers to pay for desert I really like that. I've actualy let girls buy me stuff in the begining before and it worked out fine. With my current gf I paid for the first few dates but once things got serious we ended up splitting all expenses down the middle as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I'd only offer to pay for both of us if I already somewhat knew the girl I was on the date with decently well, or if I felt there was serious potential for the future after the date. If it was more of a random date, I'd probably not offer or insist to pay for her. I don't like spending money on people that I don't think will eventually pan out well for me in some form or another. I'm already spending my time and energy on trying to entertain. If you value chemistry and companionship with the people you date, you should see him again. If you care more about getting your ego stroked and your good time paid for by guys just by virtue of (a) existing and (b) being female, then don't see him. Link to post Share on other sites
FindingE Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I agree it was tacky of him to have asked if you wanted to chip in. It would have been funny if you had just said casually, "no thanks, you go ahead and take care of it." I think the guy should pay on dates, especially as things progress because, I know in my case anyway, I would reciprocate by cooking elaborate meals, the ingredients aren't cheap usually. Maybe give him one more shot and if he wants to go dutch again, unless you REALLY are hitting it off with this man, I would consider moving on. Now, a nice consolation if he asks again might be to offer to throw in for the tip, I do this often with my mom even, even though she always wants to pay, it helps me not to feel like a mooch since I am 37 and not a kid anymore. A date though is different, but it might make you feel better than not putting in anything if it concerns you and might alleviate his concerns that he is being used or something apparently. I also agree with the poster that said you are setting the precedent here, if you keep dating him, you will always be paying part of the tab if you start that now, and frankly, it is nice to be treated, especially if you are willing to do the same for him (which it sounds like you are since you did that all the time with your last BF). Different folks have different ideas in their head about how this should work, and if you feel comfortable with him, maybe just talk about it - get it out in the open - novel idea eh? At least it will clear the air. Link to post Share on other sites
callalilly Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I think he may just be inexperienced and awkward. If he could read this thread, he might possibly want to crawl under a rock and not come out again until the embarrassment wore off. Not all guys know all these "rules of dating etiquette," especially since there doesn't even seem to be complete agreement on what those rules are. Give him another chance, but if social awkwardness and potential boorishness are dealbreakers for you, he may not last long.... Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I'm sorry, but a bunch of people are crawling down his back about this, but if he asked HER out and then SHE said: Dinner and drinks. Then there is no clear precedent as to what it correct or not, but until the OP states what clearly happened, there can be no precise ruling. If I ask a girl out to play mini-golf and she says no... but that instead she wants to have dinner... that changes everything. I shouldn't be "expected" to buy dinner when it was her idea, even if I was the one to ask her out. That's why I've yet to say anything concrete. He did ASK HER OUT, but was it HIS idea to have dinner and drinks? If it was, then he should have paid. If not, then it's a whole different ball game. Link to post Share on other sites
Blade Runner Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I agree, he could be socially akward, or at least, might not really know what to do. Then again, maybe he just doesn't care much for traditional dating rules, or maybe he read one of those PUA books. Who really knows. He might be a really decent guy and just doesn't want to seem like he has to pay for dinner to get you to go out with him again. Having said that, as Diezel said, if it was his idea to go out for dinner then maybe he should have paid. That seems fair, regardless of gender. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I also agree with the poster that said you are setting the precedent here, if you keep dating him, you will always be paying part of the tab if you start that now, and frankly, it is nice to be treated, especially if you are willing to do the same for him (which it sounds like you are since you did that all the time with your last BF). Different folks have different ideas in their head about how this should work, and if you feel comfortable with him, maybe just talk about it - get it out in the open - novel idea eh? At least it will clear the air. This isn't necessarily true by any means. I'm more likely to want to "take care of" someone I'm already in a relationship with, rather than to take care of someone who is basically still a stranger on the first date. It doesn't mean I wouldn't or haven't offered to pay on first dates before. This just seems counterintuitive to me. I'm also surprised at how many people are outraged by this whole thing. Some guys just aren't willing to immediately open up their wallets for people they don't know very well who could snub them for any variety of reasons down the line. Link to post Share on other sites
FindingE Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 This isn't necessarily true by any means. Actually it is, at least in some cases - there are lots of men (the OP's previous bf for one) that will take advantage of the woman paying and will never offer to do the same. I do also understand what you are saying too though that just because you might want to split the check in the beginning doesn't mean you won't start paying for everything (at least sometimes, I do believe this is a two way street, even if not in the "I paid last time, so you pay this time" way.) down the road. As I said, people think about this particular detail of dating in very different ways. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 If the woman has a job she should cover part of the bill. In the time after the bill came, the OP should have offered to put some money down. Be an indiependent woman and don't expect the man to take care of you. Why should only the woman gain something from the interaction? If you want a guy to buy you dinner and drinks, think of a way to reimburse him... Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Whether or not the guy "should pay" because of social custom, or what the appropriate gender roles are in today's world, are largely irrelevant. A first date is about making a good impression. Women generally have to worry more about their physical safety than guys do. A woman going on a date with a guy she barely knows is, in theory at least, placing herself in a risky position. Awkward situations (like the who-pays discussion) on a date lead to discomfort, which leads to uncertainty and suspicion on her part, which are not conducive to making her feel safe and relaxed. Doing something that makes her feel uncomfortable is self-defeating, and just plain bad tactics. Ergo, the guy's job on a first date should be to avoid awkwardness and make her feel relaxed and comfortable. If the price of doing that is one dinner, no big deal in the grand scheme of things. For me, on a first date, the bill comes, I plunk down the plastic, period. Any awkwardness is avoided and we're back to the reason we're really there. Dealt with this in a first date on Saturday night. Light dinner and drinks, I paid. As we were getting ready to leave the place we were at (it was already about 1:30 a.m.), she suggested I let her buy us coffee somewhere. Then she suggested a walk, so we strolled along the beach together. Point is, by that time she felt comfortable and relaxed, and the risk of awkwardness was no more. She felt safe with me. We finally parted ways at 3 a.m., she texted me the next morning and said she had an amazing time, and asked if I'm free next Saturday. Boo-yah. So, to answer the original question: yes, he should have paid. Link to post Share on other sites
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Did everybody miss this? Tonight I went out with a guy I met online...it was our first meeting This is an automatic dutch date. Link to post Share on other sites
Chicago_Guy Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Of course I don't think either of those things. Everyone in my life has just always told me the guy should treat on the first date. So now I can't help but think something is wrong since this guy didn't. Maybe he wanted to split the bill because he met you on the Internet and is also meeting other women and didn't want to pay for all of the dates himself? I always pay for the first date, although I can see why some guys would get jaded after awhile after going on dates with women where there was no mutual connection and no second date. Link to post Share on other sites
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