Broke nc and got a date with my ex!

[AlwaysConflicted]

For heavens sake do not put forth a negative attitude. If you do, you'll drive her further away.

 

Sorry, I was feeling sad in that post. I'm having some ups and downs since the breakup. If she follows through with the date, I will be Mr. Positive.

 

I think I'm going to go to the gym that usually helps. You're right, the choice is mine. I can choose to be sad or I can choose to be happy. You really are right. It's that black and white. Positive energy attracts positive energy.

 

Phew...breakups are tough...I'll tell ya. I'd rather have a broken arm than heartache.

 

I think her interest is peaked anyways. When she saw me, I was tan and built. I think she was impressed since she kept saying I looked fantastic.

 

I hope the date happens. I'd like to share something happy/fun in my next post.

 

Thanks for tolerating my mood swings. This stuff isn't easy.

[AlwaysConflicted]

END OF RELATIONSHIP.

 

I received a very sweet email apologizing to me and canceling our date. She just doesn't have the same feelings for me. And it ended with a cliche comment...maybe in the future.

 

GAME OVER, thanks for playing.

 

I hope you all enjoyed this thread. It was an adventure filled with ups and downs.

 

Thank you for your support and advice through my breakup. It means a lot to me. I think I'll stick around LS, I've grown quite fond of you all.

[Predator04]

END OF RELATIONSHIP.

 

I received a very sweet email apologizing to me and canceling our date. She just doesn't have the same feelings for me. And it ended with a cliche comment...maybe in the future.

 

GAME OVER, thanks for playing.

 

I hope you all enjoyed this thread. It was an adventure filled with ups and downs.

 

Thank you for your support and advice through my breakup. It means a lot to me. I think I'll stick around LS, I've grown quite fond of you all.

You cant say you didnt see it coming! You screwed up with the NC. It was WAY to soon and now you have made it even longer for you to even get back with her. (if at all possible).. Just remember when your the dumpee you cannot ask for the relationship back. It doesnt happen that way. Next time it might be wise to listen to what people say and think long and hard before getting your hopes up. Trust me I know how it feels!

[Circular]

AC, sorry to hear about the outcome. Spend time with friends, take your time, everyone has to grieve these things. Am really sorry about the outcome - I was rooting that maybe this was one of those anomalous situations.

 

There's a reason why a few of us jumped in and said to stay NC - the outcome is almost always predictable. When you are the dumpee the obligation is on the dumper to 'fix it' if they want the relationship back. She processed the dumping stage for awhile (it wasn't as sudden as it seemed), probably went through a wishy-washy stage, seemed kind of distant, was warm, then kind of distant again and finally found an excuse to call it quits. Her wanting to 'be with friends' is a classic line and then she felt obligated to go on the trip, but then you bailed which gave her the excuse 'the last straw' to pull the plug. These are the stages a dumper goes through to make their final decision. This is also the point where you need to go NC completely and you need to give it 60 days minimum.

 

Why? for at least the first few weeks the dumper feels justified/confident in their decision - they had to rationalize a ton of stuff to get to that final point of pulling the plug. Any contact from you at that point will work against you, no matter how heartfelt, etc... BUT, there's always the seed of doubt in the back of their mind, especially if their was a good core of love in the relationship (could they have done something, could they have talked about it more, etc.. etc... should they have worked harder). We are all human here and though we don't act and react the same we do all have confidence spattered with seeds of doubt.

 

As time goes by that seed of doubt can take root as the dumper might realize that the 'fantasy' of how their life would be single starts bumping up against reality. Suddenly, boy AC maybe I didn't have a bad deal with him afterall. Boy, I sure miss those talks AC and I used to have he really understood me. Suddenly you start building up in her mind and she starts thinking more about if her decision was good or bad. And, most likely she'd reach out to you - some innocuous text message 'hey hows it going?'. Typically the model of NC is you don't respond, you wait, because if you've really done NC you've started moving on in your life and your in a different frame where you'll look at the text message and think.... "hmmmm... do I really want to talk to her? maybe I'll wait a bit and think about it" - At some point if the dumper is really serious about getting back with you, they'll tell you flat out that they made a mistake and that they want to meet to talk with you about it. Or, they'll push to see you in-person to 'catch up'. And, if you see them, no matter what you don't bring up the relationship you just have a great time as always. At some point, if their serious they'll bring it up. One thing you need to know is that the woman usually drives the 'state' of the relationship, its on her to decide which state its going to move to.

 

I've been on both sides of this equation in my life. And, I can honestly say, without a doubt that I've had NC work for me - I just didn't know at the time that it had a name and that it was an actually 'process' that people used. For me, its more of a natural thing to say 'its over, fine I'll find someone else'. You wouldn't believe the letters I got, one some 6 months after the breakup - but I had moved on already. And I was in the reverse roll where I did a very similar thing like you did, only to be squashed again (ouch!).

 

Hang in there, you learned a valuable lesson!

Edited June 26, 2010 by Circular

[AlwaysConflicted]

AC, sorry to hear about the outcome. Spend time with friends, take your time, everyone has to grieve these things. Am really sorry about the outcome - I was rooting that maybe this was one of those anomalous situations.

 

There's a reason why a few of us jumped in and said to stay NC - the outcome is almost always predictable. When you are the dumpee the obligation is on the dumper to 'fix it' if they want the relationship back. She processed the dumping stage for awhile (it wasn't as sudden as it seemed), probably went through a wishy-washy stage, seemed kind of distant, was warm, then kind of distant again and finally found an excuse to call it quits. Her wanting to 'be with friends' is a classic line and then she felt obligated to go on the trip, but then you bailed which gave her the excuse 'the last straw' to pull the plug. These are the stages a dumper goes through to make their final decision. This is also the point where you need to go NC completely and you need to give it 60 days minimum.

 

Why? for at least the first few weeks the dumper feels justified/confident in their decision - they had to rationalize a ton of stuff to get to that final point of pulling the plug. Any contact from you at that point will work against you, no matter how heartfelt, etc... BUT, there's always the seed of doubt in the back of their mind, especially if their was a good core of love in the relationship (could they have done something, could they have talked about it more, etc.. etc... should they have worked harder). We are all human here and though we don't act and react the same we do all have confidence spattered with seeds of doubt.

 

As time goes by that seed of doubt can take root as the dumper might realize that the 'fantasy' of how their life would be single starts bumping up against reality. Suddenly, boy AC maybe I didn't have a bad deal with him afterall. Boy, I sure miss those talks AC and I used to have he really understood me. Suddenly you start building up in her mind and she starts thinking more about if her decision was good or bad. And, most likely she'd reach out to you - some innocuous text message 'hey hows it going?'. Typically the model of NC is you don't respond, you wait, because if you've really done NC you've started moving on in your life and your in a different frame where you'll look at the text message and think.... "hmmmm... do I really want to talk to her? maybe I'll wait a bit and think about it" - At some point if the dumper is really serious about getting back with you, they'll tell you flat out that they made a mistake and that they want to meet to talk with you about it. Or, they'll push to see you in-person to 'catch up'. And, if you see them, no matter what you don't bring up the relationship you just have a great time as always. At some point, if their serious they'll bring it up. One thing you need to know is that the woman usually drives the 'state' of the relationship, its on her to decide which state its going to move to.

 

I've been on both sides of this equation in my life. And, I can honestly say, without a doubt that I've had NC work for me - I just didn't know at the time that it had a name and that it was an actually 'process' that people used. For me, its more of a natural thing to say 'its over, fine I'll find someone else'. You wouldn't believe the letters I got, one some 6 months after the breakup - but I had moved on already. And I was in the reverse roll where I did a very similar thing like you did, only to be squashed again (ouch!).

 

Hang in there, you learned a valuable lesson!

 

Thank you very much. After reading your post, I see things more clearly. I remember her wishy washy stage, but didn't understand what was happening. And if I would have went on the trip then maybe this entire breakup could have been avoided. That eats me up inside.

 

I sincerely appreciate your advice and thoughts. This has been an unbearable amount of stress on me and I haven't been able to function. Maybe now I can finally start grieving my loss in peace.

[lullaby]

AC, sorry to hear about the outcome. Spend time with friends, take your time, everyone has to grieve these things. Am really sorry about the outcome - I was rooting that maybe this was one of those anomalous situations.

 

There's a reason why a few of us jumped in and said to stay NC - the outcome is almost always predictable. When you are the dumpee the obligation is on the dumper to 'fix it' if they want the relationship back. She processed the dumping stage for awhile (it wasn't as sudden as it seemed), probably went through a wishy-washy stage, seemed kind of distant, was warm, then kind of distant again and finally found an excuse to call it quits. Her wanting to 'be with friends' is a classic line and then she felt obligated to go on the trip, but then you bailed which gave her the excuse 'the last straw' to pull the plug. These are the stages a dumper goes through to make their final decision. This is also the point where you need to go NC completely and you need to give it 60 days minimum.

 

Why? for at least the first few weeks the dumper feels justified/confident in their decision - they had to rationalize a ton of stuff to get to that final point of pulling the plug. Any contact from you at that point will work against you, no matter how heartfelt, etc... BUT, there's always the seed of doubt in the back of their mind, especially if their was a good core of love in the relationship (could they have done something, could they have talked about it more, etc.. etc... should they have worked harder). We are all human here and though we don't act and react the same we do all have confidence spattered with seeds of doubt.

 

As time goes by that seed of doubt can take root as the dumper might realize that the 'fantasy' of how their life would be single starts bumping up against reality. Suddenly, boy AC maybe I didn't have a bad deal with him afterall. Boy, I sure miss those talks AC and I used to have he really understood me. Suddenly you start building up in her mind and she starts thinking more about if her decision was good or bad. And, most likely she'd reach out to you - some innocuous text message 'hey hows it going?'. Typically the model of NC is you don't respond, you wait, because if you've really done NC you've started moving on in your life and your in a different frame where you'll look at the text message and think.... "hmmmm... do I really want to talk to her? maybe I'll wait a bit and think about it" - At some point if the dumper is really serious about getting back with you, they'll tell you flat out that they made a mistake and that they want to meet to talk with you about it. Or, they'll push to see you in-person to 'catch up'. And, if you see them, no matter what you don't bring up the relationship you just have a great time as always. At some point, if their serious they'll bring it up. One thing you need to know is that the woman usually drives the 'state' of the relationship, its on her to decide which state its going to move to.

 

I've been on both sides of this equation in my life. And, I can honestly say, without a doubt that I've had NC work for me - I just didn't know at the time that it had a name and that it was an actually 'process' that people used. For me, its more of a natural thing to say 'its over, fine I'll find someone else'. You wouldn't believe the letters I got, one some 6 months after the breakup - but I had moved on already. And I was in the reverse roll where I did a very similar thing like you did, only to be squashed again (ouch!).

 

Hang in there, you learned a valuable lesson!

 

Great response by the way. It's sad but true. I've been on both sides too. I've been the dumper and now I'm the dumpee. My story is not exactly like yours but our first sort of encounter to 'catch up' was in fact at a coffee shop. He never canceled, he continued playing the game, and kept constant connection with me, but it was all too friendly. Well, you can read my post and see how it ended. That cycle lasted over a month and I got fed up.

 

There really needs to be a 100% effort on the dumper to get back. We the dumpees don't have to do a damn thing but it's hard to grasp that until you go through it. I was submerged in my way of thinking and got hurt once again, but at least I tried.

 

When I was the dumpee it took me 5 months to realize what I had lost and when I wanted him back, he had already moved on. It was the worst and I'm afraid the same will happen to my current ex bf.

 

Anyway, only time will tell. In the meantime, work on you and recover from this, OK?

 

Sorry to see you're hurting but you're not alone.

 

Best!

[Binster]

Gutted.

Really wanted things to work out for you. You gave it your best shot, no shame in that.

 

Onward an upward.

[yume]

I broke NC, I was the dumpee, and I got a date with my EX. I feel this post is important because there are some women out there that want a movie ending. They want the man to show up out of nowhere and declare his love.

 

If only my ex could channel your actions. Sigh. I would give anything to have him come by unexpected asking to talk. Even though things didn't work out, now you know for sure what she wants. It's a reality slap, but call it closure. You'll find that now you'll feel better about moving on I think. Best of luck to you.

Edited June 28, 2010 by yume

[Username37]

Sorry to read about what happened.

 

I was rooting for you man.

 

Well you got your answer. Now you can move on.

 

Yeah I know, knowing their final decision sucks but at least we have no more false hope.

 

Good Luck Bro