What's the most important thing you learned from your break up?

[Ilovecake]

I also learned giving too freely will make a person resent you. Generally people do not like being overwhelmed with love. Relationships are always changing they're either evolving or disintegrating, when you feel your lover pulling away the worst thing you can do is to overwhelm them with more love. You need to give people space. Self sacrifice is not an attractive quality in a person, independence and high self worth are.

[Ilovecake]

You can't make a whore into a housewife.

 

Really???? That's the biggest lesson you've learned? You need to stick around a little longer.

[DustySaltus]

• Always trust your instincts
  
• Never ignore the red flags
  
• If someone is not happy with themselves first, they'll never be happy with you.
  

[GrayClouds]

• If someone is not happy with themselves first, they'll never be happy with you.
  

 

Agreed

 

And the flip-side to that is if your not happy with yourself, you will only be with people who agree with you.

[GrayClouds]

I learned trusting people who haven't earned it is a recipe for a lot of pain.

 

I trusted him implicitly for no reason other than it was him and gave him my heart, my trust and my love without question. He lied at every turn and eventually stomped on it and handed it back to me.

 

Yeah, believe me... not a mistake I will be making again.

 

Arabella

 

 

In other words love yourself enough to know them before entering into relationship rather then entering into a relationship to get to know them.

[Feelin Frisky]

Let's try and put something positive down. What was the most enlightening thing you learned from your break-up and past relationship?

 

The term "complex" (as in a person having a complex) is not an amorphous put own but a real phenomenon in which a person's personality/identity may have land mines in it that defy reason or rationale. Secondly, signs of these sources of betrayal or self-betrayal in the form of rushing into a relationship too fast--giving trust which has not been earned or tested--these signs take time to reveal themselves and thus "fools rush in" is much more than a truism.

[worlybear]

And suprisingly I learned it IS possible to be happy again! I like being able to follow up interests and talk to new people without checking if my actions upset him.

I've got me a LIFE!!

[hopesndreams]

Let's try and put something positive down. What was the most enlightening thing you learned from your break-up and past relationship?

 

To never ever be with someone who thinks the world revolves around him.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I learned that being too honest can sometimes hurt a relationship. I was raised to tell the truth, but sharing my thoughts got me into more arguments than not.

 

Apparently there is such a thing as being "too honest".

[smk]

1) That it truly is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

 

 

&

 

2) That no matter what was said or done, no matter how it ended, no matter what you went through, at the end of it when everything else is gone you will truly feel nothing but love for them because thats all that matters... At least I know in my case it is. I may not be with her, but now I feel nothing but pure love for her, and I know this is setting myself up for more hope, but I dont care, when I am ready to meet someone else and love them I will, but till that day I am quite content on giving her my unconditional love and I hope that she feels it, because I cant express it to her....

[soleharmony1123]

The most important thing(s) I've learned from my breakup is that:

 

1) I must be kind, loving, patient and gentle with myself; self-care is most important.

 

2) I am not always right and sometimes it doesn't really matter who is.

 

3) A breakup is no time for criticism (neither of self nor my ex).

 

4) Self-praise and acknowledgement goes a long way.

 

5) Ultimately, I have learned that I am just as much at fault as my ex.

 

6) I have also learned not to focus so much on what I want out of a relationship that I fail to LISTEN to what the other person wants.

 

 

 

-Sole

[HeavenOrHell]

To make sure I make time for my partner and make them feel wanted and important.

[lunita]

Learn to control my reactions to things and my emotions more.

[sedgwick]

You mean besides that I'm not good enough for anyone and should never date again? Hmmm...I guess I learned that I can take care of myself and be by myself. Have traveled a lot alone in a country where I barely speak the language. I'm totally capable of getting around by myself for extended periods of time.

[johnny_w]

Coming Into this thread I assumed most of the answers would be predictable and much the same because we're all human here.

 

It goes without saying that we all will most likely say the same thing because we went through a PROCESS which usuall has the same outcome for all of us.

 

I really don't think I need to say what I've learned because more than once I read a couple of posts saying almost the same thing.

 

But I guess It's good to share.

 

I learnt ALOT.

 

The more I focused on the other person the less time I gave myself to focus on myself.

 

I didn't spare any time to self analyze the problems I had.

 

So It got worse, I also learnt that Just because one person says they can't Imagine their life without you no matter how convincing they may seem.. THINGS CHANGE.

[StussyMagnet]

When someone tells you who they are, believe them, no matter what your hearts tells you.

 

Following on from that, if they tell you they have been emotionally abused in the past and they haven't taken time out to heal from this, run as fast as your little legs will take you. No matter how much they chase you, keep runnning!

[Star Gazer]

In other words love yourself enough to know them before entering into relationship rather then entering into a relationship to get to know them.

 

So....profound! Really!

[Star Gazer]

Here's another:

 

It's important to always focus on the BIG PICTURE, not just the moments that make you feel great (which make you stay) or those that make you feel not so great (that make you run). It's the big picture, and not particular moments, that tell you who a person really is.

[Dressagechick]

I learned that being too honest can sometimes hurt a relationship. I was raised to tell the truth, but sharing my thoughts got me into more arguments than not.

 

Apparently there is such a thing as being "too honest".

 

I've gotten this, too, on occasion. However, I don't agree. If someone can't see the benefit of honesty, then I can't help them (honesty with empathy, that is).

 

Would rather that someone be able to say that they really KNEW me than "yeah, not really sure who she was." Just my $.02!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

To not get involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable (separated, not yet divorced) no matter how much they push. Chances are, they are an emotional pile of ***** even though they will tell you otherwise. You will eventually suffer the consequences...

[kelsmommy]

That I really am worth it, no matter how much he huffs and puffs. That I may be in pain now, but one day I won't be.

 

And for those who have children, they are a gift, CHERISH them. They lean on you, and that will give you strength. They are truly what is important. My son is my world, and I want to be strong for him.

[jlr]

I have learned:

- that love IS real

- that love alone won't make a relationship last, sucks but it's true

- that love takes hard work, and some people can't handle that

- not to take people or things for granted, because you never know when it will change

- who the important people are in my life

- that when people say "forever," they don't always mean it (but this made me only feel stronger about me, because I DID mean it)

- that you can't change or fix people

- losing love when you've had it is the most painful thing I've ever known

- communication is essential

- what transference is

- the little things matter

- that there's always room for improvement

- that you have to love yourself first

[nihilanth100]

I have learned:

- that love IS real

- that love alone won't make a relationship last, sucks but it's true

- that love takes hard work, and some people can't handle that

- not to take people or things for granted, because you never know when it will change

- who the important people are in my life

- that when people say "forever," they don't always mean it (but this made me only feel stronger about me, because I DID mean it)

- that you can't change or fix people

- losing love when you've had it is the most painful thing I've ever known

- communication is essential

- the little things matter

- that there's always room for improvement

- that you have to love yourself first

 

Exactly. Didnt know about transference though ha ha now I do

[whatarmy]

I've learnt to go one day at a time after a break up and be patient with yourself.

 

I made all these plans when I was in a good mood to catch up with heaps of friends yesterday, cept yesterday I slept til 3 and watched family guy all day.

 

 

And that you will repeat the same lesson until you listen and learn.

[rajesh.kumar]

To not get involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable (separated, not yet divorced) no matter how much they push. Chances are, they are an emotional pile of ***** even though they will tell you otherwise. You will eventually suffer the consequences...

 

I completely agree with you as i have undergone this. My story :

http://www.askanjali.com/2010/07/12/my-neighbor-aunty-cheated-me-and-used-me-financially-how-can-i-get-away-from-her