Need Advise: How to say no?

[Joe22]

My whole life I've always been the guy that'll tell a friend or someone yes or agree to do something just to be nice, even though I don't want to. I know a lot of it comes about because I was not popular in school, so I feel the need to say yes and do things because I guess I feel obligated or feel that if I say "no" they'll look the other way next time or it'll upset them that I said no.

 

How do I overcome this? Just today a friend, or rather my good friend's husband - who I know and hung out with on many times - calls and wants me to come over to watch the super bowl with him, his wife, and other people. I, of course, said yes because again I couldn't find myself saying "no". The bad thing is, I hate football and really I don't want to waste my day off on doing something I don't want to do. I don't know a # to call them back and tell them to not wait up for me that I have no interest, so I can't because I don't know his phone #, so instead I'll probably just turn my phone off and ignore it and then next time I talk to her (my good friend) I'll make up some lame excuse about how I fell asleep or something... all to avoid being a "bad guy".

 

How do I overcome the fear of saying no? I mean a lot of it is I don't know how to, I feel that anytime I say no I am obligated to provide a reason.. "no, I have to (throw in a fake lie in here)" or something.. I just feel that when I say no I have to give a reason.... how do I get over it? I know she'll call and be like "where you at" or he'll call and be like "where you at".. how the hell do I respond?

 

Thanks.

[lquidmetalspine]

Hey, I had the same problem. And it is hard to get over. Its like a habbit to say yes to something that seems out of this world to you. I have to tell you that my mother is a very blunt person. If she doesnt want to help, or doesnt want to do something, she says no. I dont know how she does it like that, but now I am starting to get the confidence to say no to someone when I dont want to do this or that.

 

Anyway enough of the blabber lol. It is something that requires confidence, and its like when you wanna ask you mom for money or something, and you are afraid she will say no. You just have to learn that saying no isnt a bad thing. And you dont have to lie.

 

My cousin for example asks me all the time if i wanna go four wheeling, or play games. I usually tell him I had plans, or no I dont think so, not today. As for your situation, if I didnt want to go, I would have said, no I'll just watch it here this year, or maybe I'll come over later. You dont always have to say the word NO. But lying isnt cool either and that becomes almost a habbit. Rather, just tell them maybe some other time. Believe me its common, but someone wont hate you for saying no.

[flannelpajamas]

I have the same problem and this is what I say now when people ask me something: "Let me get back to you."

I always act like I have some calendar to check and it buys me time. When people ask me my first instinct is to say yes and make them happy, but when I tell them I have to make sure I don't have any other plans, it lets me think about whether I really want to say yes or not.

Yes, it is deceitful.....but the only thing I could ever figure out.

[La Cerveza]

I have the same problem...

 

Caller ID was a lifesaver for me, whenever I was not in the mood to hang out or talk with one of my friends, I would just not answer instead of making up an excuse or worse, saying I didn't want to. Eventually my father went ballistic on me for doing this... it definitely isn't a real healthy thing to do.

 

I have problems just saying no to M&M's fundraiser sellers outside of department stores. I have a real fear of disappointing people or something, either way I have the same problem and I've never really been able to deal with it.

 

I must say, going to college has made me more assertive...but not much.