New here, heartbroken? :o(

[hurtingalot]

Hello, I'm new here, a guy, and would really like some insight on my situation. I've been in a relationship for 5 years, long-distance, but both of us work(ed) at airline co.'s, so seeing each other wasn't a problem. Our time together was great, no conflicts, etc., and we both felt we had the best relationship. About 3 yrs. into the relationship i lost my mother, & right afterward i became emotionally flat, but my heart was definitely into our relationship. She would approach me at times, wanting to know how I felt, but I never saw the signs at the time.

 

We were together 2 more years until now, and since, I no longer work at an airline, have moved to another career choice, my passion, that I know in my heart that I can make a living for myself in. And with this passion, I later realized that I poured a lot of energy into my passion after my loss, but felt really good about our relationship.

 

Now, for a job transfer, she's moved to another city, closer, just a 5 hour drive, and all along she would say 'i cannot wait til i get to _____ b/c i think it's going to be so good for us!' Now, her new job is very intense and stressful, which I definitely understand. The last time she visited, she told me she wasn't connecting & that she had been feeling that way for 2 years, which just broke me down to tears b/c 1) i wasn't raised like that at all, and definitely value her, so I would never want her to hurt, or feel uncertain about our relationship and 2) within the past couple years, especially since quitting a job that was a great paycheck but not fulfilling, i have really begun to feel really good about where I feel the future's headed for both of us, as well as just a general sense of 'feel,' in that i have emotions burning inside to be so good to her and show her how much i love her.

 

The day I broke to tears was honestly the 1st time she had seen me cry, so in that moment, she told me she felt like everything was going to ultimately be ok; she just needed to 'fix it(?)' .. So, I've been so messed up because after that happened, 2 months ago, we still talk, in which i thought we were mutually slowing down in order to give her time to get locked into her new city, job, experiences, etc. - neither of us are clingy, needy, etc. And at one point over the past 2 months I called her, we talked, I asked how she (edit: while typing this, she just sent a txt stating that she made it home, didnt take her phone, & doesn't wanna talk 'if that's ok(?)') was feeling about things and she said "you arent even giving me a chance to miss you (?)"

 

Edit: the previous paragraphs were written last nite; continuing this AM now:

 

Okay, so, there are a few moments that really struck me as interesting: We stopped telling each other 'i love you' a while back because we realized we don't have to say it all the time when it's understood. Well, when I was feeling weak about her feelings I asked her if she loved me and she told me 'i won't answer that right now,' but one night when she came home from going out, she called, we talked for a bit, then right before we got off the phone, she says 'i love you,' in which it was not provoked in any way. Then a few weeks later, while on the phone looking at pictures from her family reunion online together, she says 'your girl was really exhausted in that photo, etc.' .. Soooo, here we are in June, and all this began developing in March, and this past wkend she just tells me on Saturday morning the whole 'i feel like i tried so much, and i would've given anything to feel the emotion I'm receiving from you, 2 years ago - i gave you so many signals, etc., etc.' .. I immediately felt insane because I thought everything was ok, but obviously not. That day I was planning on leaving for Chicago, then told her there was no way I could go because of what she just said, but she insisted that I go, still I didn't go.

 

Ok, this past Sunday, after she told me the bit about 'I tried so much, so I think we should be friends right now' she called and told me 'How's your day, what are you doing today (she was on her way to work)?' .. when I mentioned our convo the day before she said 'I just blew a gasket - I really should've been this upfront 2 years ago - you live and you learn, we don't have to talk about it now at all - I just blew a gasket' .. OKAY, so being a guy, I 'assumed' that everything was ok, we were gonna make it through, etc. That same day, and I'm one who's really keen on the universe sending us signals, etc., but her God Son added a nice note to her Fbook page saying 'miss you ______ , when will i see you again? and i think i saw _______ (me) last week' .. later that afternoon I called and left a voicemail, already stating off top that I was trying not to call but I wanted to tell her in case she wanted to send him a little nice message back or something. (yesterday, Monday, she told me that she didn't listen to the voicemail, nor read 2 texts I sent, but my friends, the guys, have the opinion that she definitely listened to the message, and I ask them why they think that and they say it's because people are generally curious, especially if it's coming from someone you're involved with, but who knows)

 

OKAY, so here we are at yesterday, Monday, and she calls (i havent called since Saturday, once) to say 'i wanted to see how you're doing today!' .. I thought this was super cool, her reaching out, with me thinking that 'wow, it's really gonna be ok', until she says 'i want us to be friends'. That totally threw me for a loop and we ended up in a long conversation yet again, in gridlock, I'm not yelling (i'm a really patient person who can't stand arguing/raising voices while arguing), and when I try to go through this reasons as to why this is happening, all over again, I notice that whenever I speak of the present and the future she gets frustrated with me, to the point to where she brings up the past and how I wasn't opening up completely, so when the past is brought up I try yet again to defend myself, giving her reasons I've already given as to why my head was so messed up then, yet that frustrates her, so I feel like I'm at some odd stalemate, and the ball is just completely in her court now, and I dont know what to do.

 

Background on me/us: I feel as if I'm a humble, selfless level-headed guy who knows what I'd like my/our future to be, I come from a great family of teachers, a doctor, and just good people all around. I feel as if I'm a great friend and boyfriend, never arrogant because anything and everything we have can be taken away from us at any given moment, and I have this crazy zest for travel & life in general. Her: she's the nicest, delicate woman (the one I thought I knew??) who also values life to its fullest, will do anything for anyone, extremely selfless, loves travel, works herself to the bone because she loves her job, greatest heart, comes from a nice, humble family as well. We: I'm supposed to be moving there next March-May, but don't know if I should even consider it now. Now, she says that she doesnt want me to move there only for her.

 

Extra bits: In yesterday's convo (Monday), I was so wrecked out mentally and SO confused that I just had to ask some questions. One was, level with me, really level with me, is there some guy 'trying to get at you, etc...?' Answer: 2 seconds of silence that seemed like an eternity? After that, I said no really, is THAT what it is??!? So she then proceeded to say that there is some dude that's been out with their workgroup that she knows likes her, but that's not what it's about at all, or is it?!? (confused) .. she then proceeds to say "if i were to go out with someone else, do you really think that's what it's about or that it would solve problems?" The idea of there possibly being another guy trying to get at her really sickens me, but what can ya do, ya know? .. But, the thing is that, one of the things I absolutely love about this girl is that she really made me work for her heart when our relationship began, & I'm not just saying this, but she's definitely not the one-night stand type.

 

Extra bits 2.0: I could be putting too much thought into it, but one of her coworkers is a 48 yr. old woman, made the move for a new job also, lives with her boyfriends sister (her bfriend is still in the orig. city), but was told that this woman began having sex with her ex- from years and years ago, who lives about 2 hours away in another city. SO, I was wondering if you ladies & gentlemen might think this 'friend' is asking her to think about her life, new situation, etc.?

 

I have insecurities just like anyone else, but my friends tell me: wow man, this is crazy - if you look at yourself for a minute, think about this: you're a really nice guy, you're intelligent, you have your wits about you, you know where you want to go in life, you've never cheated on her, you're not controlling, needy, arrogant, etc. I never ever 'toot my own horn,' but those are all trues, and it really made me think last nite. An added sprinkle of salt on all this is that, because of my loss a few years ago, I was left some $, not a ton, but enough for both of us to really get a headstart in life. I never told her about this after my loss, then told her about it when I helped her move into her new apartment in the new city, thought she would be happy about it, as if, in the words of my friend "i mean, that's just a plus for both of you", but she told me "that kind of irritates me & makes it worse because i feel like you didn't trust me," but I had no ill-intent because I didn't think the $ mattered at all and thought she would see it as a plus for both of our lives.

 

I'm just messed up about this and know I would love dearly to keep her in my life on an intimate level, but so so scared that I could've lost her for good. I've received lots of thoughts from my guys friends, and welcome them here, but other than an aunt of mine, I haven't received any thoughts from women in our age range, 34-38, so I would like to hear what you ladies and gentlemen think. Any opinions are greatly appreciated. This is the first time I've used a forum like this to let my thoughts out, so thank you for taking the time to read all of this.

 

Now, in my own thoughts, which I'm heavily caught up in, obviously, I kind of get frustrated because I feel that after 5 years together we have a lot of history together, yet she tells me all of this over the phone? I was sad about that, but now it irritates me because I feel some disrespect in that the girl I know wouldn't tell me something like that 'over a telephone'..?!?!???? Added variables: we're both Type I diabetics, & at times I think we both tweak during 'diabetic mood swings,' and she takes medicine for thyroid issues, so I just think at times our mood could just be out of whack. Who knows, maybe I'm just reaching because I'm trying to figure it out, in which I feel like I shouldn't be overanalyzing, etc., but it's hard not to.

 

If any of this sounds confusing, I will try to explain it better - I stopped typing last night and came back to it this AM, so if there's any confusion I apologize. Thank you for your time.

[IfiKnewThen]

Hi I hope you check out this post again soon because I would like to discuss this with you further. I am a bit dazed right now because the EXACT thing happened to me. He edits his time, talking about being friends, etc. It's very very painful and quite frankly I am in a state of shock. And so love sick in missing him because he was /is such a good man (was perfect till I took him for granted being caught up in my all consuming personal muck; including the death of my Mother not to mention 1000 other things) and he also kept all of this inside of him for YEARS and just sprung this on me. Something inside of me though told me I was pushing him too far with my being so self consumed. We had so much going against us from the beginning and I should have taken better care of his needs. He is 18 years my junior and lives 2000 miles away..different cultures, etc. Yet he was my match. I ruined this and I hate myself for letting my selfishness push him over the edge. Anyway getting to your story, which I related to so so much. I think she was unhappy in this relationship along the way and I think my guy was too and they both seem to have something that's making them brave or encouraged enough to go for a new dream/plan. I think they probably feel we are not the persons they choose. The painful part is one can't beg another to take them back. Actually i practically did this once and made this great guy feel bad and he did give me another opportunity but I still held back and didnt give 100%. I was still wallowing in my muck of past and present. I pray a lot now and literally ask God to stop this pain and hope and pray he gives me yet one more chance. But he just says I am sorry...but he still out there living his life without me. He calls, praise be to God, but i dont hear I love yous and when i do they SOUND akin to "of course I love you but I don't want to be with you". He doesn't day it, but sometimes you can hear what they are NOT saying. I am sure you understand .... I am so profoundly sad. I have or am losing family here. He is my best friend, soul mate and FAMILY. I am sure you understand that too. i feel physically sick from the heartbreak of this all and hate the mornings and wake up in a panic. This has been going on for 24 days straight since i heard the news or have been wondering about the news. he hasnt wanted to hurt me so didnt come right out with it..till now..BUT its his actions...how cold..from being so close...that is the greatest pain..and i am not hearing the hope i want. sorry tired from lack of sleep and feeling very physically ill and dazed. there may be some typos.

[IfiKnewThen]

PS i think they DO have something thats giving them strength. i am thinking their friends AND (really mostly or exclusively) another someone to dream about. really FEEL that..more than just a friend influence. another muse is what i am thinking or feeling. of course i pray not. I am a believer of men are from mars and women from venus. if you take a look at the book...you will find a man really can get back in the graces of a woman if he was /is a good man. try talking to her from the perspective of soul searching and tell her maybe that you dont want to lose her to anyone though you acknowledge your roll in getting her to this point. just a suggestion. always let them know you have accountability for your part...

just thoughts..

[IfiKnewThen]

i have been with this person for 10 years! and i am devastated