xMM wants to have dinner after 2 months of NC

[Thunderbolt]

I broke it off with xmm nearly two months ago. Like many other people here have experienced, he was having a difficult time leaving his children. I was no longer willing to wait around after nearly 3 years in the relationship. I told him to take some time away from me to decide what is best for him. Approximately 3 weeks ago, he emailed me. Nothing significant, just a basic update on his life, work, kid's activities, some pain, grief and depression he was experiencing, etc. I waited a couple weeks and finally caved and wrote him back telling him I was happy he's been carrying on with his life, happy about his work situation, and happy he's been able to spend so much time with the kids. I kept it very low key, appeared to have my life in order, did not act like I needed him in any way, told him about all the fun things I've been up to.

 

He wrote me again today, about a week after I sent my email. He asked if I wanted to get together for dinner this Sunday. I'm not getting the impression that he's made up his mind to be with me. My gut tells me that he's still as confused as ever. His invite did not feel urgent, rather casual.

 

In his first email, he was trying to return some of my belongings. I told him that I didn't need or want them any longer. I also told him that I'm not ready to be friends yet if that's what he was getting at.

 

So, my question...when we broke up, I told him not to contact me unless he was ready to commit to me and only me. I also told him a little later on that I was not willing to be friends. In his emails, he only expresses a little sadness but also makes it known that he's been finding ways to cope. He also only talks about goings on in his life. Why does he want to meet for dinner? He basically stated it like "If you don't have anything better going on Sunday, would you like to join me for dinner or else I could make you dinner (his wife and kids will be out of town)." So, it doesn't appear to be urgent to meet with me.

 

I know a majority of you are going to try and talk me out of having dinner with him. Please try to refrain from doing this. I know that he's probably a bit lonely for me, his family is out of town, etc.

 

I'm about 90% sure I'm going to accept the invite (please don't talk me out of it). I would just like some input on how to act and what to or not to say. Would it be worth it to ask him why he wants to see me despite my earlier requests? Any input, comments or questions are welcomed. Thanks in advance for your help.

[jthorne]

Did he say in his email that he's leaving? No. So nothing has changed.

 

He wants to know if you're over your temper tantrum, and ready to be the OW again. If you're ready to do that, go and have fun. If not, see it for what it is, a fishing expedition.

Edited June 23, 2010 by jthorne

[Silly_Girl]

He's reeling you in....

[jthorne]

His family is out of town, and he's lonely. You've been cordial to him, so why not ask if you're available for dinner? Maybe he might get lucky. If not, he's cracked the door open for something later maybe, and not had to spend the evening alone.

 

This is still all about him, and I'm a little disappointed you're not seeing that. If you really want him, you stand your ground, and tell him to contact you when he's divorced. Doing anything else (including friendship) tells him that you might be willing to settle for less. Are you?

[Thunderbolt]

I agree with both of you. I initially admitted that I figured he was lonely, home alone, curious. His home life is not terrible. He likes his wife but does not love her. I know he would never just up and divorce in my absence. He's told me that if he had never met me, he would most likely not ever divorce his wife. I know that if he's not 100% sure I'm available to him, he will not come to me with divorce papers in hand. He's admitted that his home life isn't perfect but it's better than being alone.

[Mimolicious]

Thurder- Dont you think that meeting him kind of throws your decreet out the window?

 

You told him to not contact you unless _______ (fill in the blank) and if he is not doing whatever fills that blank, then everything you said becomes idle threats. He wont take your ultimatum seriously and will walk all over you if you let him back in.

 

If you had any hopes of being with him in an exclusive R, you can kiss them good-bye if this dinner takes place.

 

Out of curiosity- The "I could make you dinner" because his W & Kids are out of town... is this supposed to take place at his home?????

[cavedweller]

Wake up young lady--You are nothing to him, but, a roll in the hay..He just wants to see you for a 'quickie'..Tell him to get a divorce then he can see you any time he wants..Stand your ground and see what he does..

[jthorne]

I agree with both of you. I initially admitted that I figured he was lonely, home alone, curious. His home life is not terrible. He likes his wife but does not love her. I know he would never just up and divorce in my absence. He's told me that if he had never met me, he would most likely not ever divorce his wife. I know that if he's not 100% sure I'm available to him, he will not come to me with divorce papers in hand. He's admitted that his home life isn't perfect but it's better than being alone.

This is all you need to know. Please don't fool yourself into thinking the opposite is true, that if you stay, he'll finally divorce. This is the mistake I made, and I made it for a looooong time. Since he's not that unhappy at home, he'll just get better about and more comfortable with having you both.

 

There's a reason you told him not to contact you unless he was divorced. Nothing has happened to change that reason.

[Jilly Bean]

I think he's just trying to re-engage you in the affair.

 

I won't try to talk you out of it, but remember - you set down boundaries with him to not contact you until he was out of his marriage. He clearly isn't, so you meeting him for dinner pretty much blows your credibility, and will show him he can always play the waiting game with you, wear you down, and then reel you back in when he feels like it.

 

But, you sound like you want to see him again anyhow.

[jj33]

I know you dont want to be talked out of it, but hes not a good candidate for a long term relationship.

 

1. he doesnt want to leave and

2. if he did leave, he would only leave if he had a soft landing

3. the loss of the relationship did not motivate him to make changes

 

Youve auditioned already. He knows you love him. He knows you want him to leave his wife and be with him and he offers you a dinner a deux at his house?

 

Go if you want but you will just be starting the vicious cycle all over again. And you may (if you arent careful) keep doing this to yourself again and again every few months when he contacts you. It keeps a part of your heart hanging on so that he knows that you are there for him should he want to leave.

 

You are allowing yourself to an "option". You deserve to be so much more

[Confused4Now]

Why erase two months of NC...everyone here on the board knows that you will have to start from square one again. Is that what you want?

Just don't make it one visit into two visits cause he forgot to tell you about what's happening.

 

If he reels you in....I don't want to even think about that.

[jthorne]

Thunder, May I ask what you expect to accomplish by having dinner with him? What are you hoping for?

Oh, by the way, he's following a very predictable pattern. They usually break NC at either two days, two weeks, or two months. Dunno what it is about the two-month mark. I guess they figure after two months, you've had enough time to miss them, and ready to start up again.

Edited June 23, 2010 by jthorne

[Thunderbolt]

Thank you all so much for responding. I am taking all of your comments to heart and am now reconsidering having dinner with him.

 

His email was the first thing I woke up to and I was initially ecstatic. I thought, "maybe he wants me back." But, as this day has carried on, my thinking has shifted. You're all so right, I shouldn't throw away everything I've worked for the last two months. I miss him so bad but I am starting to realize that if I do have dinner with him, I will be back to square one. I will most likely end up being the OW again and this is not what I want.

 

I guess I just had a moment of weakness this morning to even consider meeting him. I wish he would just carry on with his life if he has no intentions of ever being with me. Didn't expect this emotional roller coaster today. Thanks everyone for being here for me, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

[Silly_Girl]

I really feel for you. I know what my rational head says, but there's times that I think it'd only take a text message and I'd be there like a shot.

 

Thing is, if he IS going to leave, and you two ARE meant to be.... this is not your only opportunity. It shouldn't be a once-off offer. Retain some power and dignity.

[Thunderbolt]

Silly Girl, this is the most spot on reasoning anyone could give me. You're right, this shouldn't be my only opportunity. I didn't really know how to put it in words, but this is exactly how I'm feeling. I feel like if I don't show any interest, he's going to assume that I've moved on. I feel like this is my only opportunity to be with him, which I'm now realizing shouldn't be the case. This shouldn't be a "one-time offer."

 

Like usual, my heart and head are never on the same page.

[Confused4Now]

Thank you all so much for responding. I am taking all of your comments to heart and am now reconsidering having dinner with him.

 

His email was the first thing I woke up to and I was initially ecstatic. I thought, "maybe he wants me back." But, as this day has carried on, my thinking has shifted. You're all so right, I shouldn't throw away everything I've worked for the last two months. I miss him so bad but I am starting to realize that if I do have dinner with him, I will be back to square one. I will most likely end up being the OW again and this is not what I want.

 

I guess I just had a moment of weakness this morning to even consider meeting him. I wish he would just carry on with his life if he has no intentions of ever being with me. Didn't expect this emotional roller coaster today. Thanks everyone for being here for me, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Listen to me....he's GOOD at painting this dream with you cause he knows it gives you hope when he's not going to do a damn thing. Please do yourself a favor...don't go.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm about 90% sure I'm going to accept the invite (please don't talk me out of it).

 

He's about 100% sure you will accept the invite. Otherwise he would not have had the nuts to actually contact you with nothing to offer except the 'nothing' that he offered you before.

 

If you really want to make a statement, accept the offer but arrange to meet him there. When you sit down and after you exchange pleasantries, say..

 

"Ok, let's cut the small talk. I told you not to contact me until you were divorced. Are you divorced?"

 

When he waffles (and he will) simply say, "Ok, we're done here. Don't bother contacting me again until you can show me signed divorce papers and a lease on your new place."

 

Then, leave.

 

And mean it, and cut him off completely.

 

That will put him in his place for having the nerve to think that all he has to do is play nicey nicey and you will forget all about your need for more.

[jj33]

Thunder I got pulled back in SO many times in the first year thinking thinking that he was on his way to leaving and as I hadnt moved on I wanted to make sure that if there was hope that it was nurtured.

 

REALLY bad mistake on my part.

[Thunderbolt]

This morning I was 90% sure I'd be having dinner with him. I just informed him that I would not be joining him. I'll be curious to see how he responds to my email. I know him well and I know his response will be one extreme or the other...ego bruised with a little sarcasm thrown in, or over the top sympathetic while killing me with kindness. I don't want either of them. I just want him to tell me understands where I'm coming from.

 

LC, I like your idea. It's funny but at the same time could be very powerful.

 

Confused4Now and jj, I hear you. jj, I appreciate you talking to me from experience.

 

This is hard, but as the day wears on I'm realizing that you're all right and that I've made the right decision.

[fooled once]

This morning I was 90% sure I'd be having dinner with him. I just informed him that I would not be joining him. I'll be curious to see how he responds to my email. I know him well and I know his response will be one extreme or the other...ego bruised with a little sarcasm thrown in, or over the top sympathetic while killing me with kindness. I don't want either of them. I just want him to tell me understands where I'm coming from.

 

LC, I like your idea. It's funny but at the same time could be very powerful.

 

Confused4Now and jj, I hear you. jj, I appreciate you talking to me from experience.

 

This is hard, but as the day wears on I'm realizing that you're all right and that I've made the right decision.

I hope you understand many of us are talking from experience.

 

I am glad you declined the invite. Silly was spot on with her words!!

 

Also, in my view, he was wanting to see if you would be willing to start again. You expressly asked him NOT to contact you again UNTIL he was done with his marriage. If he was done with his marriage, he would be moving out this weekend while they are gone, instead of wanting to play hide the pickle with you, or at least attempt to play it. I mean, why ELSE would he invite you to their home -- THEIR home. How crude in of itself that he would do that, so that you could see a glimmer of their life together.

 

He enjoys waffling and playing both ends; the whole "whoa is me, I am so lonely because my wife is gone... OH and I miss my OW" and the whole "I am so confused" crap - and that is what it is ... crap.

 

I stand by my saying of "IF he loved you like he claims, he would move mountains to be with you"

 

I really think you made the best decision for YOU, because YOU are what is most important in YOUR life. You don't need or deserve to play the hidden OW, the part time girl anymore. You deserve FULLTIME and out in the open. Good luck!!

[jj33]

Thunder you are one smart cookie. Good for you.

 

I was stubborn and pigheaded (noone understands my situation is different etc etc). And I put myself in for a whole world of heartache prolonging the inevitable.

 

The thing is he will try again. And again and again until he finally realizes that you mean what you say.

 

As JThorne said earlier he is just checking - did you mean it.

 

Yes yes you did mean it. Was great while it lasted but its not enough anymore and either he comes back with more or he stays away and lets you get on with your life.

[whichwayisup]

I'm about 90% sure I'm going to accept the invite (please don't talk me out of it).

 

Sorry. I can't support your 90% choice of going, even more so since you said you don't/can't handle a friendship with him. 2 months of NC, brief emailing and now a possible dinner? He's feeling you out. He doesn't want to walk away from his marriage and come to you.. Though I bet he IS willing to start up the A again. This is about HIM, not you.

 

It's your choice if you go to dinner but I am advising you against it. What is the point of going? What good can come of it?

[whichwayisup]

This morning I was 90% sure I'd be having dinner with him. I just informed him that I would not be joining him.

 

Glad to hear this, might as well ignore my previous reply to you.. Well, parts of it anyway..

 

I'll be curious to see how he responds to my email. I know him well and I know his response will be one extreme or the other...ego bruised with a little sarcasm thrown in, or over the top sympathetic while killing me with kindness. I don't want either of them. I just want him to tell me understands where I'm coming from.

 

Remember, you don't owe him anything, let alone a long explanation of WHY you don't want to do dinner. He's a grown man, who cares if his ego is hurt or if it hurts him abit that you finally have the courage to say no to him! GOOD FOR YOU!

 

Why does it matter so much what he thinks? If he respects you, he will leave you alone and ONLY contact you if he actually divorces. Until then, it's a waste of time and is selfish of him to reach out to you. No more emails.. This just opens the door for an EA online.

[Thunderbolt]

whichwayisup, the 90% sure comment was made this morning. Since then, I emailed to inform him that I wouldn't be joining him.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup, the 90% sure comment was made this morning. Since then, I emailed to inform him that I wouldn't be joining him.

 

Sorry, I realized that after I posted, read the opening post and replied to that one, then read on to your latest update.

 

You're doing the right thing by not going. For your own sake, heart and sanity.. It's better not to open that door again, otherwise you might find yourself slowing going backwards, end up the OW again and the A starts up again.