xMM wants to have dinner after 2 months of NC

[Thunderbolt]

Thanks whichwayisup. I just need to keep remembering how painful it was to be in the A, especially at the end when I finally broke it off. This same exact thing happened at the beginning of the year. We broke up shortly after xmas and a couple months later I asked for my stuff back. He insisted on coming over to my place to return the items. That ignited a month long reuniting. I quickly grew tired of the situation since it returned to the exact same place I was trying to escape. After reading everyone's posts today I realize that this situation is no different. Without you guys, I would have definitely gotten sucked back in. Thanks for saving me from drowning again

[Patrice]

TB .. you decided no contact for a reason ... go back and remember what it was .. you made a choice at that point in time. Nothing has changed, you are in for more heartbreak if you rekindle this. You'll get reeled in, and the same cycle will continue. If he truly wants to be with you, then remain NC ... xxoo

[MorningCoffee]

I just need to keep remembering how painful it was to be in the A, especially at the end when I finally broke it off.

Really glad for your decision not to go.

 

I want you to stick to NC, too, not only for you, but because every time someone on this board does so, it helps me do the same.

 

I am 3-1/2 months post end of A, and just over two months since I insisted on NC unless it is to tell me she is divorcing.

 

As I approached that two month mark, apparently a common time for an xAP to break NC (2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years), I have been compiling a list of all the times I felt sad in the A, each bit of manipulation, each disappointment. I review those when the urge to have contact arises, and remind myself of "how painful it was to be in the A, especially at the end when I finally broke it off."

 

So far, it works for me. If we keep up our respect for ourselves, we know not to settle.

[Corporate]

whichwayisup, the 90% sure comment was made this morning. Since then, I emailed to inform him that I wouldn't be joining him.

 

Wait, he invited you to his marital home and possibly expect you to put out at his and his wife's house? Are you serious?

 

Have you been to his house before? This is borderline sick. It's one thing having sex with the mistress at some motel, but it's a whole different thing bringing the mistress to the marital home.

[Thunderbolt]

Patrice, thanks for your encouragement. You're right, I did enter into NC for a reason. Why throw those feelings into the wind? Morning Coffee, I will re-enter into NC for the both of us. I agree with you...whenever I read about someone initiating and maintaining NC it inspires me. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I can very much relate. This is a rough road for all of us.

 

Wellbelieveit...c'mon! I'm not sure what your story is but you didn't really have to throw in your 2 cents. Please be a little more compassionate.

[Corporate]

Patrice, thanks for your encouragement. You're right, I did enter into NC for a reason. Why throw those feelings into the wind? Morning Coffee, I will re-enter into NC for the both of us. I agree with you...whenever I read about someone initiating and maintaining NC it inspires me. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I can very much relate. This is a rough road for all of us.

 

Wellbelieveit...c'mon! I'm not sure what your story is but you didn't really have to throw in your 2 cents. Please be a little more compassionate.

 

Have you been to his house before?

[Thunderbolt]

Yes, I have been to his house before.

[Patrice]

TB ... nothing will change ... you'll be doing a grieving process all over again and feeling less about YOU ... you are worth more than that.

[pureinheart]

Thanks whichwayisup. I just need to keep remembering how painful it was to be in the A, especially at the end when I finally broke it off. This same exact thing happened at the beginning of the year. We broke up shortly after xmas and a couple months later I asked for my stuff back. He insisted on coming over to my place to return the items. That ignited a month long reuniting. I quickly grew tired of the situation since it returned to the exact same place I was trying to escape. After reading everyone's posts today I realize that this situation is no different. Without you guys, I would have definitely gotten sucked back in. Thanks for saving me from drowning again

 

WWIU has some really good stuff, she did for me when I was where you are at, I should have listened.

 

I told exDM (at that time he was MM) the same thing you did. Because of the severe drama that went down when I emailed him to leave me alone as he was M. Anyway he ended up contacting me when him and his W separated a few months later. I didn't answer at first, although I don't believe the hope that we would be together someday ever left. I was severely traumatised by many events and wanted to believe that this was the real deal this time.

 

Certainly he did offer me the world, although never delivered...he found a way out of committment blaming it on me, that it was my fault as to the reasons things did not work out. IMO all he would have had to say was he was not ready or whatever instead of blaming everything on me, it was like adding insult to injury.

 

I have re-inforced the knowledge that the men in my life that were willing to move heaven and earth for me...they were the keepers:)

[pureinheart]

Patrice, thanks for your encouragement. You're right, I did enter into NC for a reason. Why throw those feelings into the wind? Morning Coffee, I will re-enter into NC for the both of us. I agree with you...whenever I read about someone initiating and maintaining NC it inspires me. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I can very much relate. This is a rough road for all of us.

 

Wellbelieveit...c'mon! I'm not sure what your story is but you didn't really have to throw in your 2 cents. Please be a little more compassionate.[/QUOTE]

 

TB...looks like a troll or a double (one person with several usernames) this happens quite often, especially in this forum.

[Corporate]

Yes, I have been to his house before.

 

What were you doing at his and her house?

[MizzBlue72]

Ask him what you feel you need to ask.

 

I bet he's not leaving and even when he does - he won't commit.

 

I'm sorry - go. Get your questions answered - and stand firm. You really do deserve better - we all deserve better.

[Silly_Girl]

I think you've made the best (and hardest - always that way, innit?!) choice, to NOT go. It would have been oh-so-easy to go along and 'see' what he's got to offer. But you know the answer already. And he needs to know you're serious. Well done, I'm impressed!!

[silverplanets]

Hi tb,

 

Wow - I'm impressed. I just read this thread through and it looked like you were going to give in (which anyone whose been there before would understand) but then you stood up for yourself, your needs and made a decision based upon the facts .... like I said, I'm impressed :)

 

You should give yourself a big pat on the back .. this is a big hurdle/stage you've just got succesfully navigated ... his first real effort to real you back in from YOUR NC based upon YOUR boundries.

 

I would point out a couple of things:

 

a) Read over your first posts and notice how it's all instantly about him again ... "does he have something to tell me etc, etc" ... back into the rollercoaster of speculation, guessing and everything revolving around his needs ..... it's not that he holds any power over you (trust me!) .. it's just that his/their situation is so distructive for any third party to be near .... that's why NC is good for you ... it keeps your focus on you (where is should be) and not on them (which is where their focus should be)

 

b) Step back and look at him in the cold light of day for a moment ... YOU have told him YOUR needs and that if he can't fulfill them the you don't want to see him - to do this is your right as an individual. Now he could have got D'd and contacted you, but he hasn't ... so ..... how much respect has he shown for YOUR wants and needs .... none ! .. He is happy to try and trick/lure you into compromising them

 

c) Say he IS thinking of leaving his W (and I really don't think he is from what you say) .. then is he really checking you out to see if you are still "available" before he jumps .... think that through ..if you say no does that mean he won't jump. If so he is saying he is happy to play with someone elses ONE LIFE on this planet (his wife's) based on his needs ... if he gets you he would dump her, if not he'll keep her as second best ...... !!!! .

 

Just to clarify the above ... I don't think he IS thinking of jumping .. but it is (in your first emails) the most positive "reason" for the "meeting" .. but think it through ... he's TELLING you he's willing to manipulate someone elses ONE LIFE on this planet based upon whether he can secure himself a better "deal" or not ....

 

d) The most likely scenario .. he's just bored/alone/down/yadda yadda/blah blah/etc etc ... so what are you to him ... a nice little "pick me up" ... so that's how much he values you .. not enough to build a life with but enough to get your around to make HIM feel better .. regardless of what it does for you ... it also shows you how little he things of his W as a human being as well ...

 

i think you've done absolutely fab .. you've stood up for your needs and what would make you happy ... and not let yourself be lulled into just fulfilling his needs ...

 

BUT .. in the cold light of day , re-read a-d above and maybe it'll help break bring him off his pedestal in your mind ...

 

The hardest thing I've had to learn over the years is when they contact you it's not because they love you or want you .. it's because they want to suck some of your "energy" from you to make them feel better.

 

So he has time on his hands? Well, so does everyone at times. What they choose to do with it ... well that shows you a lot about them. If he wandered out his door I am sure he can find people less fortunate than him to actually help etc, etc

 

Well done

Chris

[jj33]

 

The hardest thing I've had to learn over the years is when they contact you it's not because they love you or want you .. it's because they want to suck some of your "energy" from you to make them feel better.

 

So he has time on his hands? Well, so does everyone at times. What they choose to do with it ... well that shows you a lot about them. If he wandered out his door I am sure he can find people less fortunate than him to actually help etc, etc:)

 

That is THE issue. THEY ARE VAMPIRES sucking the life out of you.

 

A man who is divorcing is not going to be so crass as to invite you to his WIFE's home for dinner while she is away.

 

The thing the WSs dont seem to realize, or maybe they do and simply dont care, is that each time they contact the xAP, they rekindle the hope that the relationship could be viable and may have a real future.

 

Its normal when you love someone so much to believe that of COURSE they wouldnt contact you just to fulfill their own selfish needs. If they love you too (which everyone xAP in that situation beleives) then they would be contacting you because of that love and because they have something significant to discuss.

 

And its simply not true in 99% of cases. And its SO SO hard to wrap your head around. Or it was for me. The normal reaction is he misses me too. He has found his cahones. He is going to make the break (jump that fence). I knew in my heart all along it would work out....

 

I will never forget how shocked I was about 6 moths few months ago when out of the blue after not speaking for several months xMM invited me to dinner because he needed to talk to me. I was convinced that despite everything that had happened and because of everything that had happened he would NEVER contact me unless he had NEWS.

 

Wrong wrong wrong. We sat there like 2 strangers waiting for a train. Him waiting for me to gush about how awesome he was and how much Id missed him and me waiting for him to tell me he and his wife had finally decided to end the charade.

 

Great observation Silver.

Edited June 24, 2010 by jj33

[silverplanets]

That is THE issue. THEY ARE VAMPIRES sucking the life out of you.

 

A man who is divorcing is not going to be so crass as to invite you to his WIFE's home for dinner while she is away.

 

The thing the WSs dont seem to realize, or maybe they do and simply dont care, is that each time they contact the xAP, they rekindle the hope that the relationship could be viable and may have a real future.

 

Its normal when you love someone so much to believe that of COURSE they wouldnt contact you just to fulfill their own selfish needs. If they love you too (which everyone xAP in that situation beleives) then they would be contacting you because of that love and because they have something significant to discuss.

 

And its simply not true in 99% of cases. And its SO SO hard to wrap your head around. Or it was for me. The normal reaction is he misses me too. He has found his cahones. He is going to make the break (jump that fence). I knew in my heart all along it would work out....

 

I will never forget how shocked I was about 6 moths few months ago when out of the blue after not speaking for several months xMM invited me to dinner because he needed to talk to me. I was convinced that despite everything that had happened and because of everything that had happened he would NEVER contact me unless he had NEWS.

 

Wrong wrong wrong. We sat there like 2 strangers waiting for a train. Him waiting for me to gush about how awesome he was and how much Id missed him and me waiting for him to tell me he and his wife had finally decided to end the charade.

 

Great observation Silver.

 

Superb post JJ.

 

Your point about not inviting someone over if they were going through a divorce is something I hadn't considered but is spot on !

 

I've been divorced and (if you have any sense) the last thing you do during the D process is do anthing which upsets the applecart ... Anyone REALLY going through a D learns to keep their head down and focus on the D.

 

And I agree with what you say about the hardest part to wrap your head around. It took years for me to really believe it. Even though I knew it, could see it etc I didn't believe it deep down ... so everytime she re-contacted I'd fall for it again.

 

Nowadays I HAVE wrapped my head around it .. (and LS, counselling, time and perspective have helped here) ..

 

For a long time I couln't reconcile that someone I loved and who loved me would do this ... I always made excuses to myself for her doing this ...

 

Eventually, after enough times, I realised I was wrong to make the excuses ... this person who would trample over my needs/happiness/sanity to get her fix WAS her.

 

I then had to review the whole relationship with this "new" knowledge .. and it was not a pretty sight.

 

The funny thing was (and it is funny now) is all she was really donig was treating me as she treated her H .... with no respect at all.

 

So why the hell did I expect any different?

 

Ya gotta laugh eh !!!

 

:)

[Silly_Girl]

That is THE issue. THEY ARE VAMPIRES sucking the life out of you.

 

A man who is divorcing is not going to be so crass as to invite you to his WIFE's home for dinner while she is away.

 

The thing the WSs dont seem to realize, or maybe they do and simply dont care, is that each time they contact the xAP, they rekindle the hope that the relationship could be viable and may have a real future.

 

Its normal when you love someone so much to believe that of COURSE they wouldnt contact you just to fulfill their own selfish needs. If they love you too (which everyone xAP in that situation beleives) then they would be contacting you because of that love and because they have something significant to discuss.

 

And its simply not true in 99% of cases. And its SO SO hard to wrap your head around. Or it was for me. The normal reaction is he misses me too. He has found his cahones. He is going to make the break (jump that fence). I knew in my heart all along it would work out....

 

I will never forget how shocked I was about 6 moths few months ago when out of the blue after not speaking for several months xMM invited me to dinner because he needed to talk to me. I was convinced that despite everything that had happened and because of everything that had happened he would NEVER contact me unless he had NEWS.

 

Wrong wrong wrong. We sat there like 2 strangers waiting for a train. Him waiting for me to gush about how awesome he was and how much Id missed him and me waiting for him to tell me he and his wife had finally decided to end the charade.

 

Great observation Silver.

 

Wow, that is so sad jj, and exactly the thoughts I would be thinking in your shoes. Oh god. I wish every single day, without fail, for my xMM to contact me, and your post makes me think again.

[jj33]

Silly. My story has been reduced to a HUGE cautionary tale in what NOT to do to get past an A.

 

The thing is, of COURSE you want to hear. Because you expect that if you do hear it means he has "good news. WRONG.

 

The question that I should have asked, and promised myself I would ask each time I was let down (understatement) is: WHY? (ie why do we need to have dinner? what has changed)

 

And the reason we dont ask, is because we dont want to "scare" them away. Its like herding cats.

 

Actually I am reminded of a great line from Sex in the City when Charlotte has a meltdown with her husband Trey and shouts something like "dont scare the penis"

 

But the thing is if you really have your boundaries firm you will ask. And that can be done nicely. Why have you and your wife decided to end your marriage?

 

Typical response will be oh eh well

 

And then you know dont you.

 

But of course its far easier to weave dreams oh if I go and if I look great and if he sees that the magic is still there it will all come right.

 

Only in the movies. If someone has something really important to say and you say do you have something important to say they will tell you, even if they say yes but Id rather discuss it in person they will tell you (or you wont go). If you get there (and NOT their home) and they have 0 to say, you excuse yourself.

 

Not asking the relevant questions is a way of feeding our dreams even as we break our hearts.

 

 

Edited to say - I am pleased to add I have gotten my own back. The communications have continued against all odds but I managed to stop them by sending an email deftly alluding to the idea that he is one of many men who have been obsessed with me over the course of my life and its all so tedious isnt it? SILENCE ever since. Its only fun for him if he thinks he is the be all and end all for me,relegating him to one of many men who cant get over me but have nothing to offer me, makes it no fun anymore. Hes not getting the energy that vampire wants.

Edited June 24, 2010 by jj33

[MorningCoffee]

Not asking the relevant questions is a way of feeding our dreams even as we break our hearts.

 

One of the all time best summaries of A dynamics yet posted. . .

[Thunderbolt]

You have all made some really good points, thank you for your comments. Hindsight's always 20/20.

 

I received an email from him this morning telling me that he respected my choice and understood why I couldn't meet him. He continues to tell me that he still loves me, misses me, wants to find a way, not seeing me is killing him, etc. Normally these kinds of statements have a pretty big impact on me. But for the first time ever, I just kind of skimmed over them without much emotional attachment.

 

I feel at ease with the choice I made. I know it would've been sheer bliss for the next couple of weeks but I also know the same problems would soon arise again. The more I think about it the more I'm finally understanding that if he wants to be with me he needs to get a divorce. I've read hundreds of posts on LS and this seems to be the hardest concept for everyone to grasp (myself included). Everyone thinks their situation is unique, just like I did. I just wish I could've figured all of this out so much earlier.

 

This has been hands down the best advice and understanding I've received to date with this thread. Thank you.

[BB07]

Gee......I just read the original post, haven't read the replies yet, but I don't get it:confused:.......people post and then they want to dictate the replies so they will be within the standards of don't say anything I don't want to hear. :eek:

 

Anyway.......he is fishing, that should be clear. You know it....you just don't want to hear the truth.

 

Opps.....just read the ops reply. Sounds like you took the good advice given. Congrats!

[Silly_Girl]

You have all made some really good points, thank you for your comments. Hindsight's always 20/20.

 

I received an email from him this morning telling me that he respected my choice and understood why I couldn't meet him. He continues to tell me that he still loves me, misses me, wants to find a way, not seeing me is killing him, etc. Normally these kinds of statements have a pretty big impact on me. But for the first time ever, I just kind of skimmed over them without much emotional attachment.

 

I feel at ease with the choice I made. I know it would've been sheer bliss for the next couple of weeks but I also know the same problems would soon arise again. The more I think about it the more I'm finally understanding that if he wants to be with me he needs to get a divorce. I've read hundreds of posts on LS and this seems to be the hardest concept for everyone to grasp (myself included). Everyone thinks their situation is unique, just like I did. I just wish I could've figured all of this out so much earlier.

 

This has been hands down the best advice and understanding I've received to date with this thread. Thank you.

 

Your post made my stomach churn, just because of the emotion and the clarity. I think it's amazing you've been able to feel somewhat detached.

 

My ex of 8 yrs was mean, and controlling and all sorts of things. I'd hear him say 'I love you' and various other things, and I'd HEAR that, but not hear the hours of abuse I'd received the night before, or whatever. In the end, as I hardened up, I used to say 'Words. Just words. SHOW me how you feel about me...'. He sure did. We split up.

 

MM said the most wonderful things, he was my dream man in many ways. What I had always been missing in others. But then one day I remember saying the same thing to him. That the actions counted, not the words. He has quoted that back to me so many times. But in the end, it was All. Just. Words.

 

It still doesn't stop our reaction. Who, today, wisely posted about the disconnect between our hearts and heads, when we get the voicemail, or whatever? They were right. I want my head and heart to join. And yours seems to be. And I'm really pleased for you. I hope it's a foundation for better things.

[Confused4Now]

But the thing is if you really have your boundaries firm you will ask. And that can be done nicely. Why have you and your wife decided to end your marriage?

Wow...this question is so brilliant!!! It basically shows that both spouse are in sync with the discussion of a divorce which is never the case. It really does setup a amicable dialog if ever needed if both spouses are on the same page. Excellent!!!!

[jj33]

Wow...this question is so brilliant!!! It basically shows that both spouse are in sync with the discussion of a divorce which is never the case. It really does setup a amicable dialog if ever needed if both spouses are on the same page. Excellent!!!!

 

Great point. I hadnt thought of it from that perspective.

 

What I was thinking is that the AP is not asking have YOU left (if they have they can say so)

 

it doesnt ask do you miss me (suggesting that the AP may be open to reentering the A)

 

And it DEFINITELY says we have no need to get together until you have made a decision that your marriage is over.

 

At the risk of beating a dead horse, it means the AP is no longer reading tea leaves - he called he wants to see me, I wonder what that means...

 

You ask and you know. Simple.

[silverplanets]

Great point. I hadnt thought of it from that perspective.

 

What I was thinking is that the AP is not asking have YOU left (if they have they can say so)

 

it doesnt ask do you miss me (suggesting that the AP may be open to reentering the A)

 

And it DEFINITELY says we have no need to get together until you have made a decision that your marriage is over.

 

At the risk of beating a dead horse, it means the AP is no longer reading tea leaves - he called he wants to see me, I wonder what that means...

 

You ask and you know. Simple.

 

Are you divorced ?

 

Which court is it filed at?