Love advice for the invariably confused

[Miss XYZ]

Okay, first off, I'm not sure this can actually be considered a problem . . . I'm just looking for your thoughts. Hint, hint (Tony).

 

I met this man about 6 weeks ago and from the beginning it was almost awe-inspiring. We share the same values; future desires; family backgrounds; religion; ethnicity; music tastes; entertainment passions; and well, just an equal hotness for one another. We can sit together in comfortable silence or keep one another laughing all night.

 

About 11 days ago I made a big mistake (that I choose not to go into, let's just say any other man would probably have told me to go to hell and never talk to me again) that upset our balance. This mistake made him question his desire to be with me.

 

Anyway, I know only time will tell and I am giving him space. What I am unsure of is the mixed signal he keeps giving me.

 

One moment he's ADAMANT about me NOT going to one of his sporting games just yet; 3 hours later, he's calling me, in a positive tone, telling me he would be happy to have me if I wanted to come. One moment he's telling me that he WILL stand by my side through this; the next, it sounds as if he's disgusted that he's even still talking to me. One moment he seems whole-heartedly concerned about not wanting ME to suffer or hurt (when it is actually him that was hurt by this)so he is alright with talking if it eases my pain; the next, he keeps seemingly making excuses why we can't get together to talk.

 

I just DO NOT understand.

 

I feel like I'm on a teeter totter. I'm not sure if he's going to get off and let me hit the ground or keep lifting me up into the air.

 

Do you have any views on this? Give it time. I realize that. But if what I did was so unforgiveable to him, why does he keep in contact with me? Why does he keep looking out for me, then turning around and being incredibly short about everything?

 

He also has stated that he thinks it is MY place, not his, to take the intiative.

 

What does that mean?

 

I just don't understand and I haven't slept more than 4 straight hours since this happened. Please help me to understand.

[Taressa]

I hope Tony responds for you. His intuition and insight provide the most solid advice.

 

From a female side of things I'll respond.

 

The timing of your big mistake happened very early on in this relationship (4-1/2 weeks into a 6 week relationship if I do the math right). You may be a wonderful, trustworthy, faithful woman but one month is not enough for him to know you. One month is not enough to prove one's character.

 

Right now I imagine he is torn between love and hurt. He's wondering how this heaven-sent relationship could have fallen so quickly and badly.

 

I believe you can work things out but you're going to have to allow him his anger and uncertainties. He will be pretty shaken and unsure if his feelings were as strong for you as yours are for him. Eventually he'll need to come to the point of deciding if he can forgive or not and if he will trust you or not.

 

Don't put up with any mistreatment from him but do allow him his feelings. If he sees a truly repentant heart and can see that you grieve over the hurt you have brought on him he will be more likely to forgive.

 

While he works through his feelings take a moment to consider what desire drove you into the mistake. Your relationship developed quickly into something wonderful. See if there is an underlying need you may have sacrificed. See if there are other supportive relationships you may have sacrificed to ease your loneliness in him. Heaven is seldom found in four weeks and is never sacrificed for a momentary pleasure. Look at this love with eyes wide open.

 

Patience, love, patience.

[Tony T]

Whatever you did was a tremendous shock to him and sent his emotional homeostasis into a tailspin.

 

When that happens, it creates great confusion which can continue for a period of time before a final decision is made on whether to continue the relationship or end it. I am sure there was enough good stuff there to keep him wanting more. If he is highly rational and is relatively convinced that whatever you did will not repeat itself, he likely will want to continue the relationship. Meantime, you'll just have to put up with his mixed signals. You are the one who said most guys would have told you to go to hell...at least he didn't.

 

Remember one thing about love. What we fall in love about in a person is their behavior. If they display behavior that is ineligible for our admiration, it can certainly upset the apple cart. But if enough good stuff came before and after, time can heal.

 

Yes, do give it time. He is keeping in contact with you, again, because he is very confused and probably hoping he can surmount the incident in his mind, set it aside, and get back to the great stuff. Much of his shortness and inattention is a form of punishment. It's his way of letting you know he continues to be displeased.

 

By him saying it is your place to take the initiative, he's letting you know he's looking at you to help heal and restore the relationship.

 

My advice is, after a time, suggest to him that the two of you start from zero and work forward from there. Pretend your relationship just started. I think that will work well as long as you don't bungle it up again.

 

He may also be wise enough to know that we all make mistakes...some small and some large...and everyone is entitled to another chance. Give it some time.

[a good fan]

Thank you

 

I hope that you are right when he hasn't talked to me in 12 hours. He comes and goes. He told my mother the other day about how he was disturbed about someone in my life. Do you thin that means something? Yet, he keeps me remaining alone . . . for sure, I know it's because he's teaching me a lesson . . . .I just want to know. I care about him so very much, is it worth it?

Whatever you did was a tremendous shock to him and sent his emotional homeostasis into a tailspin. When that happens, it creates great confusion which can continue for a period of time before a final decision is made on whether to continue the relationship or end it. I am sure there was enough good stuff there to keep him wanting more. If he is highly rational and is relatively convinced that whatever you did will not repeat itself, he likely will want to continue the relationship. Meantime, you'll just have to put up with his mixed signals. You are the one who said most guys would have told you to go to hell...at least he didn't. Remember one thing about love. What we fall in love about in a person is their behavior. If they display behavior that is ineligible for our admiration, it can certainly upset the apple cart. But if enough good stuff came before and after, time can heal. Yes, do give it time. He is keeping in contact with you, again, because he is very confused and probably hoping he can surmount the incident in his mind, set it aside, and get back to the great stuff. Much of his shortness and inattention is a form of punishment. It's his way of letting you know he continues to be displeased. By him saying it is your place to take the initiative, he's letting you know he's looking at you to help heal and restore the relationship.

 

My advice is, after a time, suggest to him that the two of you start from zero and work forward from there. Pretend your relationship just started. I think that will work well as long as you don't bungle it up again. He may also be wise enough to know that we all make mistakes...some small and some large...and everyone is entitled to another chance. Give it some time.

[Tony T]

He told my mother the other day about how he was disturbed about someone in my life. Do you thin that means something?

 

Only you can answer that question. You never said exactly what happened. If there's someone in your life that is disturbing him, you ought to deal with that.

 

Is is worth it? Only you can answer that question as well. As I have gotten older, I have learned to limit the time I'm willing to play games or involve myself with the meanderings of lovers or prospective lovers. Time is very valuable and you don't get more of it. So you need to be your own judge there.

[Kris; aka; me]

Tony . . . I didn't say that. I agree with you, only time and me will tell. I am sad to say that all things do not look so good even if he wants to be the nice guy right now. I do very much appreciate your advice, Tony. I hope someday you reveal you identity (god,no, lol) or continue on with the words of wisdom only an old man could have. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

I'm guessing 31. Am I close? Lol. You're young, but you are very mature. I'm sure of that. Come on, Tony, I'm dying to know.

He told my mother the other day about how he was disturbed about someone in my life. Do you thin that means something? Only you can answer that question. You never said exactly what happened. If there's someone in your life that is disturbing him, you ought to deal with that. Is is worth it? Only you can answer that question as well. As I have gotten older, I have learned to limit the time I'm willing to play games or involve myself with the meanderings of lovers or prospective lovers. Time is very valuable and you don't get more of it. So you need to be your own judge there.

[Tony T]

You write: "I am sad to say that all things do not look so good even if he wants to be the nice guy right now"

 

I personally don't think there is such a thing as things looking "good" or "bad" when it comes to love. We are all humans moving about this earth looking for the RIGHT love. If a situation is less than optimal, we may stumble on our butts and it may hurt a little but it's GOOD because we can move on to something more right for us. It may seem BAD because we have feelings for a person but if you can't accept that as a reality and move on, you don't belong in the project of looking for the RIGHT love.

 

So if you think things are looking BAD, make them look GOOD by going forth and finding the right situation for yourself. Love is the most blunt reality you will find on this earth. Either it's there or it's not. If people would just realize this, they would be so much happier.

 

The way I always look at things is this: In every situation that hurts, I always feel much better in a matter of time. So if I'm going to feel better in a month or two or whenever, why waste the time to feel bad now. Why not just jump forward and feel good now. Feeling bad, wanting the WRONG person back, wanting things to go MY way...may serve a purpose but it won't find the RIGHT person.

 

Don't waste too much of your time. There are more than enough great love interests for you out there for a thousand lifetimes.

[Kris]

Once again, you are right. I want you to know how much I have appreciated your advice these last couple of days. Have you ever considered being a therapist? You should.

 

I sincerely hope you get what you deserve and that is probably a lot.

 

Thank you, Tony, again. I appreciate it, a lot.

 

What will be, will be. What was meant, was meant.

 

I will not linger on regret. I will not dwell on mistakes.

 

Someone else out there is for me, yes, I know. I will find him, someday. Thank you.

You write: "I am sad to say that all things do not look so good even if he wants to be the nice guy right now" I personally don't think there is such a thing as things looking "good" or "bad" when it comes to love. We are all humans moving about this earth looking for the RIGHT love. If a situation is less than optimal, we may stumble on our butts and it may hurt a little but it's GOOD because we can move on to something more right for us. It may seem BAD because we have feelings for a person but if you can't accept that as a reality and move on, you don't belong in the project of looking for the RIGHT love.

 

So if you think things are looking BAD, make them look GOOD by going forth and finding the right situation for yourself. Love is the most blunt reality you will find on this earth. Either it's there or it's not. If people would just realize this, they would be so much happier. The way I always look at things is this: In every situation that hurts, I always feel much better in a matter of time. So if I'm going to feel better in a month or two or whenever, why waste the time to feel bad now. Why not just jump forward and feel good now. Feeling bad, wanting the WRONG person back, wanting things to go MY way...may serve a purpose but it won't find the RIGHT person. Don't waste too much of your time. There are more than enough great love interests for you out there for a thousand lifetimes.