What does my temptation to cheat mean

[regina]

I live with my boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. He looks at me like it's the first time he has laid eyes on me and we have been together for 3 years. I know he would sacrifice his happiness for my own, and that I am incredibly lucky.

 

Over the past few months, I have lost sexual interest to some degree. I thought it was happening as a result of time. I chalked it up to infatuation fading and comfort setting in. I didn't feel worried even though I am young (26) because I still felt happy with him. More recently however, I met an attractive man who has propositioned me multiple times to go out with him. Each refusal becomes more difficult, and I find myself having sexual day dreams about him.

 

I'm not married, I haven't cheated yet and I dont want to go down that dark road...my question is, can I get past these feelings of doubt in my relationship or is this the beginning of the end??

[aerogurl87]

Well it's been three years since you've been together so I think you can get past this. Is something off in your relationship? Do you think there is a need that isn't being met? If that's the case talk to your boyfriend about it and try and work it out before you go down the road of cheating cause it's not a pretty one.

[Cracker Jack]

No, it isn't the beginning of the end, unless you allow yourself to give up so easily on your relationship.

 

The key is to look at your relationship as a whole, and pinpoint the issues, if there are any to begin with. Why are you losing sexual interest? Anything specific forcing you to feel this way? Or is it simply just...I dunno. Boring? I think you need to look at it from that standpoint and understand why he's not doing it for you at this point.

 

Regardless of how you go about things, never cheat. The other guy may be attractive and persistent, but that doesn't mean much at this point. Does he know you're in a relationship? If so, then it just shows he has no respect for you or your boyfriend. Attraction is important, but it can only go but so far. Don't cheat on your boyfriend.

 

I also think that perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about your conflicting feelings towards him. Not many do this, and it leads to heartbreak down the line. If you make this known, things could turn for the better. Hope I helped, somewhat.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm actually kind of impressed that you've come here at this stage, without having done anything wrong. A lot of people come here after the line has already been crossed.

 

You've done nothing wrong by your diminished desire for your BF, by your attraction to or fantasies about this new guy, or by him asking you out multiple times. All of those things happen.

 

The question is, what you do about it.

 

Firstly, you need to decide if your relationship with your BF is worth fighting for. What are the good things? What are the not-so-good things, in addition to your diminished sexual attraction to him? If the relationship with your BF was exactly the same as it is now, except that you also had the level of sexual attraction to him that you had when you were first in a relationship with him, would that be, in your mind, a great and fulfilling relationship?

 

If you answer "yes" to that, then I think you need to focus your energies on regaining that sexual attraction to him. It may not be ultimately possible. But if the relationship is otherwise great, then it's worth trying.

 

Secondly, I think you should tell the new guy to leave you alone and stop contacting you. Continuing to have him in your life beyond this point would be disrespectful to your relationship and to your BF. There's nothing wrong with opposite sex friends when you're in a relationship, but they must be "friends of the relationship", i.e. they're supportive of the two of you as a couple and aren't trying to undermine the relationship. That's what this new guy is trying to do: undermine the relationship. He should be persona non grata.

[Diezel]

He looks at me like it's the first time he has laid eyes on me and we have been together for 3 years. I know he would sacrifice his happiness for my own, and that I am incredibly lucky.

 

That's the problem right there. He's placed you so above everything else... that everything is EASY for you. He's "safe". Most of the times SAFE = BORING.

 

It's been 3 years.

 

You are suffering from Routine Syndrome. Everything is so similar, so familiar, that all of a sudden... NEW GUY = EXCITING.

 

New guy is dangerous, mysterious, and definitely exciting.

Oooooh, the thrill of the chase is on again.

 

But in the end, it leaves you feeling empty, dirty... You need to spicen up your current relationship. Please, don't just OUTRIGHT blurt that you are having doubts or that everything seems bland.

 

Just think back to your first year and compare it to your current year. See what you guys did to keep it fresh and do that again. But if you come outright to him and say: We're having trouble...

 

It'll REALLY catch him off-guard and suddenly build a wall of insecurity. He's thinking everything is fine, while you know it isn't. In the future, it'll continue to happen even when everything TRULY is fine. He'll begin to question whether you truly are okay, even if you completely are.

 

Be subtle.

 

to be honest, when guys come to me with this problem, I tell them that the issue at the core of it all is complacency. They get to comfortable and become boring, which is why they are bored in the relationship in the first place.

 

Why go out dancing? We can just stay in, watch a movie and be relaxed.

But dancing was so exciting in the past... now it's just seen as work.

 

Just give your relationship a Lot of thought. If you REALLY want to cheat with "grass is greener although it's probably not" guy, then break up first. Do your boyfriend at least that much of a favor.

[Dexter Morgan]

your temptation to cheat means......you are not mature enough for a committed relationship.

 

So stay away from them.

[whichwayisup]

I live with my boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. He looks at me like it's the first time he has laid eyes on me and we have been together for 3 years. I know he would sacrifice his happiness for my own, and that I am incredibly lucky.

 

Many people would kill to have their boyfriend or girlfriend look at them like that, and have such positive and loving qualities. It seems you don't feel the same way towards him, or something in you feels he isn't enough to meet your own needs. That's fine, but don't cheat on him. End it and then go pursue someone else!

 

Over the past few months, I have lost sexual interest to some degree. I thought it was happening as a result of time. I chalked it up to infatuation fading and comfort setting in. I didn't feel worried even though I am young (26) because I still felt happy with him. More recently however, I met an attractive man who has propositioned me multiple times to go out with him. Each refusal becomes more difficult, and I find myself having sexual day dreams about him.

 

You're helping this along by thinking and fantasizing about him, no wonder you aren't into your bf sexually anymore.

 

I'm not married, I haven't cheated yet and I dont want to go down that dark road...my question is, can I get past these feelings of doubt in my relationship or is this the beginning of the end??

 

Are you willing to throw away what you have now for someone who knows you're taken (I assume you've told this guy you have a boyfriend???) and still asks you out even though you've said no?

 

Hey if a hot roll in the hay is worth throwing away what you have with your boyfriend, then do it. BREAK UP WITH HIM FIRST and then go chase this other man.

[DadofTwoGirls]

I agree that you are no doubt not ready for long term commitment (some people say immature), and there is nothing wrong with not being ready..at least you aren't married...so you need to ask yourself..are these 'feelings' going to go away?..probably not, as a matter of fact, they will intensify..you really have no bond with your BF..so get out now..pursue whatever...3 yrs is a long time to shack up;)

[ADF]

You can only police your actions, not your thoughts. The mark of your devotion to your BF is that you don't cheat, not that you don't occassionally want to. I am sure he is tempted from time to time as well.

 

Have no more contact with this other man. Demand he leave you alone. I assume he knows you are involved with someone, but could care less--not a sign of a person with good character.

 

If you do decide you want to be with this low-life, break up with your BF first. Don't cheat. He deserves better than that.

[hopesndreams]

Your temptation to cheat means you shouldn't be in a relationship. Work on yourself, the fault lies within you. Give your bf his freedom, end things, before you travel that dark road. You won't listen though. Instead, you are gonna tear his heart out.

 

Prove me wrong.

[jenifer1972]

I think Diezel is right. You thing you absolutely have your boyfriend in the bag, and thus you seek something more exciting and new. I really suggest you read "Mating in Captivity". It deals with your issue extensively.

 

One thing the book points out, is no matter how much we think we have someone's affection sewn up, we really don't. You really could lose the best thing that has ever happened to you for some fleeting meaningless fling with a man who likely won't measure up to the guy you already are with.

[jnj express]

Hey regina---you were not just dropped on this planet yesterday----You know what will happen to your relationship, and you will know that you are a cheater, or capable of cheating----why have you not just plain walked away from this "bad boy"---

 

All he wants to do is to get you to spread your legs---he gets some sex, and is gone----you get guilt, and probably a broken relationship

 

If you are 26, I spose you have some maturity---and some decision making capabilities----look at this from all sides----do you intend to have a serious future with your BF---or do you wanna be single for a while, and follow the single script----You know right from wrong----hopefully you are not that weak-minded that you can't decide what to do---

 

Think it all thru----boy friend or bad boy----what will each do for you, and for your future

[make me believe]

Everyone has thoughts from time to time of what it would be like to be with someone else. Particularly if that someone else is an attractive new person standing right in front of you propositioning you! One thing you need to keep in mind, though, is that this guy who is propositioning you is SCUM. No respectable person tries to get with somebody that they know is in a relationship. It speaks volumes about his character, so please don't make him out to be some kind of wonderful person.

 

This new guy is going to make you doubt your relationship even more if you continue having contact with him. Cut all contact, and work on your relationship. Why has your sexual interest waned in the past few months? If everything else in your relationship is good, it is probably just temporary. Work on your relationship and bring the spark back.

 

I agree with Diezel that your boyfriend has probably become too safe for you and it makes everyone else look more exciting. So do the things you used to do when you first started dating. Get all dressed up & go to a nice restaurant or bar. Go on a weekend trip. Try something completely new together. Find new things to do at home and don't spend all of your spare time sitting on the couch watching tv. Find a project you two can do together to create a bonding experience (plant a garden in your yard or on your patio, redecorate, cook new things every night -- just something to shake up the routine in your house).

 

Work on yourself so that YOU bring new things to the relationship too. (hobbies, interests, etc) Romance him, seduce him, "woo" him the way you want him to woo you. If the spark has gone out of your relationship, you both need to take responsibility and work on bringing it back. It's not impossible! Whatever you do, don't become the person who cheats, especially with the ass who is hitting on you even though you're in a relationship.

[make me believe]

Okayyy I think everyone who is insulting you and saying that you're too immature for a committed realtionship are way off-base. The fact that you came here and asked for help instead of just giving into your attraction for this guy & jumping into bed with him is commendable. I doubt that the people who are critisizing you are perfect in their relationships and have never been with somebody for years without having a single thought about another attractive person. Many people have temptation from time to time but don't act on it. Unless your temptation comes from lots of different guys and is highly frequent, I don't think it's a sign of your emotional maturity or ability to be in a long-term relationship.

[regina]

I appreciate everyone's input. I have not cheated...and I don't intend to. I am surprisingly aware that the hot new dude could never measure up to what I have. It's not a matter of me wanting to leave my BF for him..I'm more concerned about the temptation, the fact that the thoughts are even there. Maybe you are all right and I'm not ready for a committed relationship. That could very well be the case. I just needed to understand if what I am going through is "normal" and if you can move past it. I wanted to know if the spark that may seem to be dying can be reignited...or if it is a pointless battle. I added that we were not married/no children because I believe under those circumstances you should fight until you can't any longer to keep the love alive. But I wonder still, can this be overcome...does this mean I'm not ready to settle down...or is it part of life, a struggle that many face? I appreciate the comments and will take them into consideration moving forward.

[hopesndreams]

I don't think your present bf is the right guy for you. He sounds wonderful but there is something missing, for you. I was too quick to judge you, sorry. So many say how tempted they are by others, but when you find your real, true love, there are no other temptations.

 

a struggle that many face?

[Dexter Morgan]

You can only police your actions, not your thoughts. The mark of your devotion to your BF is that you don't cheat, not that you don't occassionally want to. I am sure he is tempted from time to time as well.

 

there is a difference between being tempted and easily brushing it aside....and actually thinking,"boy, I'd really like to tap that ass"

 

the latter isn't devotion, whether they cheat or not

[hopesndreams]

there is a difference between being tempted and easily brushing it aside....and actually thinking,"boy, I'd really like to tap that ass"

 

the latter isn't devotion, whether they cheat or not

 

Exactly. Well put.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

All he wants to do is to get you to spread your legs---he gets some sex, and is gone----you get guilt, and probably a broken relationship

 

if she is really wanting to say yes to him and is thinking about him sexually, her relationship with her bf is already broken.

[hopesndreams]

if she is really wanting to say yes to him and is thinking about him sexually, her relationship with her bf is already broken.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[Dexter Morgan]

Okayyy I think everyone who is insulting you and saying that you're too immature for a committed realtionship are way off-base.

 

she said she is having doubts about her relationship simply because some hot guy propositioned her.

 

she IS too immature to be in a committed relationship. If a pretty face can get you thinking that you would like to cheat, then you are fit for committment.

[Dexter Morgan]

I appreciate everyone's input. I have not cheated...and I don't intend to.

 

then whats with the part about getting harder to resist this guy? If you don't intend to cheat, then there shouldn't be anything hard about it.

[hopesndreams]

she said she is having doubts about her relationship simply because some hot guy propositioned her.

 

she IS too immature to be in a committed relationship. If a pretty face can get you thinking that you would like to cheat, then you are fit for committment.

 

You need to edit.

[Woggle]

It means you should dump him.

[hopesndreams]

It means you should dump him.

 

Agreed. Spare him the agony of losing you to another. That is an agony no one should have to live through.