Intimacy, Solitude and Obsessive Thoughts : An Update

[Thinkalot]

Hello all.

 

I have just returned from a lovely four day break with my partner. We went up the coast in our new (second hand) caravan, and had warm weather, plenty of surfing and relaxation.

 

I viewed the trip as something of a test, rightly or wrongly, of both myself and my ability to be close to my partner AND deal with my obsessive thoughts at the same time (jealousy of the past wife etc..most of you know the story...linked to insecurities of my own), and also a test of the relationship itself.

 

I don't want to bog you down with details but a quick bit of background:

 

We have, my issues aside, in the past suffered communication problems and volatility, which often becomes highlighted on holidays. In fact, we usually always have a least one big fight on our holidays. Our relationship being a rollercoaster of super high highs, and super low lows. We have long been searching for the middle ground, and a way to balance intense love, with calm companionship. My issues, obessing/questioning about the past, and associated insecurity, worrying, and lack of independence of the past year have obviously not helped, and in fact caused their own set of problems, as my partner reacted to my problems with his own frustration and anger (he started out very reassuring, but this could only last so long, and eventually his patience started to run thin). And of course, things happened outside our control which tested us (family problems etc) and resulted in some pent up hurt and anger on both sides for a while there.

 

At the end of last year, as many of you know, I began to seriously try and overcome my obsessive thinking and jealousy. I have been seeing a therapist, taking medication, saying affirmations, writing things down, reading books, chatting on LS...you name it! I have also done a lot of work on finding my sense of self, my self esteem and so on. And with positive results so far. Less thinking, more ability to control the thoughts when they appear, greater sense of inner happiness, and more independence on my side. This has resulted in my relationship being happier, my partner being happier and more loving, and us both having some much needed "breathing space". BUT while I am happy with more "me" time, and find the thoughts do not really happen then, I still find it tough when I am actually with my partner, and there are plenty of possible triggers for the obsessive thoughts. I really need a lot of self control in those times, still, even though it's not as bad as it was.

 

Hence, my above reference to seeing the trip as a test, on several fronts.

 

Results: we made it through the trip without an argument and had a great time all round! (we gave ourselves a HUGE pat on the back for this- may sound funny to some, but we've been through a quite bit together and we are so committed to improving things all the time). We had some disagreements, and heated words from time to time, but nothing that blew out of control. We felt calm and happy together. We gave each other space, as well as togetherness. I began learning that if he was a bit grumpy it wasn't necessarialy because of ME...but just because he was tired. I was therefore able to react not with need, but with love and support.

I spent time reading my book "Intimacy and Solitude" (which I highly recommend for anyone) and started to really learn and understand what is means to have space in your togetherness. It is a balance I have always struggled to find, even in my past relationships. When the love and feeling is intense, I cling too tightly sometimes, and offer love and passion, but also anger and all the rest that comes with too much intensity.

 

Regarding my obsessing...the thoughts still came in sometimes and really knocked me (especially when we travelled through the town where my partner and his ex spent their honeymoon...I actually felt a bit sick at this point, and tried to talk myself through it...any direct hints on how to stop this happening again guys??...we will be travelling to places they have been again in the future...and I want to enjoy these beautiful places, without looking backwards!). BUT on the whole, I asked less questions, thought less worrisome thoughts, and if I did start asking questions, my bf showed me patience and understanding and calmy asked me to stop, which 9 times out 10, I did, therefore stopping either of us getting upset or tense. I felt happier, more secure in general. And the whole space/togetherness thing I mentioned above, and my regained sense of myself, really helped me, and him also. Also my partner has been making a big effort to control his own frustrations and anger and to WORK WITH ME, to help me.

 

Another thing... About 18 months ago we bought an antique engagement ring. We then ran into troubles, and decided to put the whole marriage thing on the backburner. It's come up a few times, but there were issues which we felt needed to be sorted out first (a lot of it my s***). During the trip my partner said he loves me and that a proposal is not far away, so I could get excited.

 

In response to both the lack of arguments, and the mention of engagement I had some reactions which surprised me. I felt happy/excited/in love/safe/warm. I also felt, in relation to the marriage, scared and aware of the enormity of the committment. I am thinking these reactions are probably normal.

 

I also began worrying when things were "calm" that there was not enough drama and excitement/intensity to our relationship! It occurred to me, with some surprise, that I may have begun associating high drama with strong love, and have become so used to it being there, that when it is absent, I am not used to the feeling! Does this make sense? Does it sound feasible? Similarly, the marriage question has been put out so many times, and taken away by one, or both of us, that the issue I suppose, became me wanting to have the security and be asked! Now that that is going to be a reality, I suddenly start thinking about the BIGGER picture again, which is both truly wonderful and also scary. I can see what is happening I think, and I understand I am going through change, both internally and externally, and adjusting.

 

I just wanted to bounce these things and self discoveries off you guys. I would love your feedback and thoughts (and advice on the remaining obsessing triggers)...moimeme, meanon, jenny, dyermaker, arabess....and anyone else who has helped me in the past, or who wishes to put in their 2 cents now! I realise I was a bit longwinded writing this out...so thanks for your patience.

[Samson]

It sounds as if you're handling the situation superbly with one simple exception:

 

we travelled through the town where my partner and his ex spent their honeymoon...I actually felt a bit sick at this point, and tried to talk myself through it...any direct hints on how to stop this happening again guys??...we will be travelling to places they have been again in the future...and I want to enjoy these beautiful places, without looking backwards!).

 

If you want direct hints, then I've got them: Do not go through or even near the countries, cities, towns, cities, beaches, trees, rocks.......whatever your partner and ex spent any time enjoying each other's company. Purposefully take routes, no matter how inconvienient, circumventing each and every such location. Perhaps your partner could help by decorating an entire wall in a room in your home with a world map that has big red "X's" wherever these places are. Am I sounding really outrageously goofy yet???

 

How different is this than what you've put up in your own mind?

 

 

 

I'd suggest thinking a lot about the alternative i've suggested every time you feel "sick" about the locations you've mentioned.

[Thinkalot]

Lol! Thanks Samson for the reality check. Very true and yes, my thoughts/fears often sound very ridiculous when written in black and white. Imagine if my bf acted the same way...we would end up with red crosses all over the map of Australia and the world. How limited our life would indeed be!

[Thinkalot]

P.S. Samson I was happy to come back and read the positive developments in your marriage...hope things stay on the up and up

[meanon]

I'm glad you had a good time and that things went so well for you both. You've said a few times you find it hard to control the thoughts as much when you are with your bf. Two techniques that my friend uses in therapy (her own and in treating others!) which work for her are:

 

Thinking about the question you want to ask your partner that is the source of the obsessive worry. What answer could they give to reassure you? There usually is none - even if you know the answer it doesn't make you feel better so why bother asking?

 

Observing the thought occuring, not leaping in to either confront it with a chain of logical arguments or use learnt techniques to try and make it disappear. Instead just think of it as a natural phenomenon which will come and go in it's own time, one that you need only observe and do nothing about. The aim here is to avoid ruminations which lead to the thought persisting and aim for detachment instead.

 

It does sound as though you associate the excitement of volatility and extreme intensity with love, but this will change naturally in time - I don't think it's anything to worry about. One form of love evolves into another - intensity may decrease but intimacy increases and so on. If you get a buzz out of the re-affirmation that goes with making up, just skip the argument and go straight for re-affirmation. All the fun and none of the pain

 

I think you should work on making any engagement/wedding/marriage non-scary by identifying what it is that bothers you most and sorting those worries out so that you can enjoy the big day.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by meanon

Thinking about the question you want to ask your partner that is the source of the obsessive worry. What answer could they give to reassure you? There usually is none - even if you know the answer it doesn't make you feel better so why bother asking?

 

It would be hard to beat that particular advice. I think it's the same advice everyone should use ...even when obsessing over a breakup. I guess it comes down to the fact that no one can fix your insecurites but YOU. It's a problem everyone has to tackle for themselves.

 

For now though, I'm with Samson. I would avoid any 'memory' area which is going to distress you. There may come a time his past will no longer cause you concern.....but till that happens....stay away from things which remind you of it.

 

You have made such great strides Thinkalot.......it's only a matter of time till you come down the aisle with a smile on your face and peace in your heart.

[Thinkalot]

Thank you friends, for your support and advice and for being patient with my ramblings!

 

meanon, your advice re detachment sounds really good. I'm going to try that one. Sometimes focussing on the thought, even if it is to try and dismiss it rationally, only keeps it there longer, and makes me upset that I am having the thought at all! So, therefore, detachment may be the best approach when I am actually spending time with my man. The rest of the time, the logical thinking, focussing on MY life, etc etc works very well.

 

Also, regarding being "scared" of marriage...I think it is simply a matter of being very aware of how big the committment is, and very committed to making it work! I am a natural "thinker" and worrier (oh, what a surprise ), so I always think long and hard about what I am about to do....the good, and the risks. So I think for me, it's probably just normal. I am also trying to overcome my tendency to worry, not just about the past, but about all things!

My overwhelming feeling is one of excitement and happiness, and a desire to take this next wonderful step forward with my cute Bunnyboy

 

Arabess, you said:

You have made such great strides Thinkalot.......it's only a matter of time till you come down the aisle with a smile on your face and peace in your heart. ....

 

I can't wait for that moment!

[moimeme]

The gang has given you great answers on all your other issues so I'll stick to this one:

 

I also began worrying when things were "calm" that there was not enough drama and excitement/intensity to our relationship! It occurred to me, with some surprise, that I may have begun associating high drama with strong love, and have become so used to it being there, that when it is absent, I am not used to the feeling! Does this make sense? Does it sound feasible?

 

In the 'romantic vs compassionate love' link I posted was a section describing the mechanism of 'romantic' love. One of the theories is that feelings of stress, fear, etc. induce a sort of arousal which incites 'passion'. The whole article pretty much described the importance of this factor - or lack thereof - for lasting relationships. It's best not to get hooked on stress/distress as a factor of one's love.

[Thinkalot]

Hi Merry. Thanks for joining this thread, as your advice is always very appreciated and welcomed.

 

I read that link yesterday and felt as though you could have posted it just for me, right at this time! I related to it so well. I talked about it with my partner last night, and told him that many of the symptoms of "romantic" love were what I had been living/craving almost....and that now I can feel us making the transition to compassionate/companion love...which seems much healthier/calmer/easier and obviously easier to sustain!

 

I am shocked almost that it has taken me 30 years to learn some of the lessons I am learning! I am suddenly so aware of some things, and the messages I read in books actually hit home, in a big way at the moment! It's as though I couldn't see my way clear to think this way, and act this way before! Perhaps the medication has helped clear my brain up! lol! I wonder how many others are aware of these things, and how many are not?

 

My guy is obviously also learning his own lessons, and as a couple we are learning lessons together.

[moimeme]

Sometimes a lesson doesn't really come home to us until we are in a situation that it fits. Things you know intellectually don't necessarily speak to us until our hearts need to hear them!

[Thinkalot]

So true...I am currently re-reading some self-help books in my bookcase, and getting new things out of them, which I did not get on the first reading, a time when I was reading looking for different answers.