My MM is now divorced.

[danis]

I really don't know what formum to post this on.

 

I've been involved in an EA for many years, recently my MM has gotten a divorce and relocated to another city. I know he is having a really hard time dealing with it all and is feeling very lonely. He is pretty mixed up and I want to be there for him but he is so off and on that I am totally confused.

 

One day he says he needs his space that he needs to rebuild his life so I respect that and give him his space. The next week he is phoning me telling me that he misses me...so I go visit him at his new house and he is sooo happy to see me. Big hugs and almost crying. Texts me for two weeks straight everynight. He seems so much happier we talk on the phone for hours just like before & he seems like he is back to his old self laughing telling stories etc.

 

Now this week he pretty much wrote me off again. Instead of being hurt again, this time I'm really p'd off. I'd like to tell him to go to H*LL.

 

We've been such close friends these past years, I don't know how he can just shut me out. He is also doing it to his family and other friends as well. He's making me feel like I am the physco chick in Fatal Attraction, the one that can't get enough of him. I feel like a real idiot.

 

So I guess my question is do I leave him alone...go total NC? Or just give him his needed space. Is he all messed up because of his divorce or does he really want no part of our friendship anymore.

 

When I ask him straight out he doesn't answer....just totally avoids answering the question.

[Mombot]

Are you married?

[danis]

Yes I am married.

[NoIDidn't]

Doesn't sound like he needs the level of support he had from you before the divorce.

 

Now it sounds like he's intending to mull over most of his post-divorce thoughts somewhat privately....until he needs someone to talk to.

[MizzBlue72]

Let go of it - walk away.

I am. I've been divorced over a year, and MM is now divorcing, but does not want any commitment. He wants me to be in a committed relationship with him - but nothing long term. We've almost been seeing each other 2 yrs .... It doesn't get easier .....

 

Solution? It's as easy as me saying it - harder for me to admit it to myself but your guy is messed up. He needs to figure out what HE wants - and he won't commit to you, even when you are single. Go - be free

 

Find what makes you happy .... Good luck.

[danis]

Well, I don't want a committment from him. I just don't want to loose our friendship. I empathize with him for what he is going through, but if you were feeling that badly, wouldn't you want your friends around?

[califnan]

Well, I don't want a committment from him. I just don't want to loose our friendship. I empathize with him for what he is going through, but if you were feeling that badly, wouldn't you want your friends around?

 

------------------

 

Honestly, it's better to not worry about loosing his friendship .. Better to worry about loosing yourself.

 

Particularly since you are married, don't put yourself through all of the confusion ..

[MizzBlue72]

I agree with Califan. A lot of A's start off as EA.

Yeah - I would like to have friends around when going through a hard time. But I would have to find another friend - I'm sorry. It really doesn't look on the outside as it would be hard - but here is a good gauge: are you able to tell your husband that you are supporting him through this? If not - probably not a great idea.

 

Good luck .

[bananalaffytaffy]

I'd bet money he's found someone else. Probably dating someone in his new city.

[whichwayisup]

Do you plan on divorcing your husband?

 

Your MM probably enjoys your company but he doesn't want to make any type of plans or committment to you.. Why should he since you are still married?

 

Anyway, he needs his time and space to heal, to grieve his marriage and the life he once had. This isn't about you, it's about him needing time alone.

 

Focus on other things in your life - Your own family, your husband and let the MM be alone.

[cavedweller]

I agree with banana..He has found himself another woman.

[silverplanets]

Do you plan on divorcing your husband?

 

Your MM probably enjoys your company but he doesn't want to make any type of plans or committment to you.. Why should he since you are still married?

 

Anyway, he needs his time and space to heal, to grieve his marriage and the life he once had. This isn't about you, it's about him needing time alone.

 

Focus on other things in your life - Your own family, your husband and let the MM be alone.

 

I agree with this .. although I have all the sympathy in the world for your position and understand your motives are good .. you are focused in entirely the wrong area.

 

He's divorced now .. you're not .. and it doesn't sound like your planning to.

 

So what's the long term scenario here .. he gets "attached to you" but YOUR married ..... how the hell is that going to make his life any better ...

 

Unless you are actively divorcing all you can offer him is a false future.

 

He's got D'd .. that sort of sh*t takes a while to get over ... he needs to absorb it deep down and work out what he wants now ...

 

Maybe, ultimately, what he will want is a R with a married woman who is not getting D'd and is therefore ultimately pointless in terms of a two-way relationship ... but somehow I doubt it.

 

His needs will be the same as everyone else ... he will need someone who loves him .... can be with him, makes his birthdays fun (not experiences of being alone without you) , christmas's that are full (not empty because you are with your H), someone who is there for him when he is sick etc

 

You can't offer him any of that ... so what exact need are you proposing to fill? Sex ... trust me he can get that anywhere. Lust/romance .. well only around your H's schedule ....

 

If he had the strength to get divorced then trust me .. he has the strength to rebuild a good life ...

 

You don't want to be a main player in this life, so be a good girl and let him get on with it ...

 

If you need to be "doing something" then i would suggest looking at your own life ....

 

No disrespect intended in any of this ... just trying to make a concrete point ... you ain't divorcing so ultimately you can't commit to anythign with this guy ...

 

Hopefully, he is also realising this himself and hence his confusion.

 

You need to shine your light of caring on you though, not him ... sort your life out before even looking at someone elses ...

 

C

[Fieldsofgold]

I agree with this .. although I have all the sympathy in the world for your position and understand your motives are good .. you are focused in entirely the wrong area.

 

He's divorced now .. you're not .. and it doesn't sound like your planning to.

 

So what's the long term scenario here .. he gets "attached to you" but YOUR married ..... how the hell is that going to make his life any better ...

 

Unless you are actively divorcing all you can offer him is a false future.

 

He's got D'd .. that sort of sh*t takes a while to get over ... he needs to absorb it deep down and work out what he wants now ...

 

Maybe, ultimately, what he will want is a R with a married woman who is not getting D'd and is therefore ultimately pointless in terms of a two-way relationship ... but somehow I doubt it.

 

His needs will be the same as everyone else ... he will need someone who loves him .... can be with him, makes his birthdays fun (not experiences of being alone without you) , christmas's that are full (not empty because you are with your H), someone who is there for him when he is sick etc

 

You can't offer him any of that ... so what exact need are you proposing to fill? Sex ... trust me he can get that anywhere. Lust/romance .. well only around your H's schedule ....

 

If he had the strength to get divorced then trust me .. he has the strength to rebuild a good life ...

 

You don't want to be a main player in this life, so be a good girl and let him get on with it ...

 

If you need to be "doing something" then i would suggest looking at your own life ....

 

No disrespect intended in any of this ... just trying to make a concrete point ... you ain't divorcing so ultimately you can't commit to anythign with this guy ...

 

Hopefully, he is also realising this himself and hence his confusion.

 

You need to shine your light of caring on you though, not him ... sort your life out before even looking at someone elses ...

 

C

 

I think this is excellent advice.

 

For him to allow himself to be/remain emotionally entangled with you, a married woman, would just be setting himself up for hurt and disappointment. Why would anyone willingly choose that. Maybe his "distance" from you is just his way of trying to save himself a lot of loneliness and disappointment and hurt.

 

If you care about this man, why would you want him sitting home, lonely and alone, waiting for the crumbs you can offer him, while you have your family and your life? Why would you want to put someone you care about through that?

 

If you love someone, and if you genuinely care about them, you want what's best for them. Sitting home, waiting for a married woman to give him part-time attention is NOT what's best for him. IF YOU REALLY LOVE THIS GUY, divorce and go be with him, full time. Give him ALL of yourself. Or leave him alone and let him find someone who will.

[jj33]

If you sincerely just want the best for him as a friend and understand that he is now free and will want MORE than an EA with another married person...

 

then why not just text him or whatever and say I know you are going through a confusing time, I am here if you want to talk

 

And then leave him alone.

[LucreziaBorgia]

For some, they need a crutch during their marriage so they have an affair. When the marriage ends, they no longer need the crutch and they wean themselves off of it. It sounds like he is weaning.

 

Best to walk away before you get hurt any further. He can't be your friend now because he wasn't really your friend to begin with.

 

If you don't walk away, you will hear from him less and less as he adjusts to the single/dating life, and you will find yourself doing all the work to keep the 'friendship' going. Eventually you will tire of it, and walk away.

 

So you have a choice: walk away now and get the pain over with and start the healing process, or suffer through pain and walk away and then suffer more pain and then start the healing process.

 

I suspect it will be harder since you are married. I suspect now that you are losing MM, you will look on your own husband, find him even more lacking and find yourself in an even deeper slump.

 

You have a tough time ahead of you. Any chance you would consider divorce yourself (not for MM, I don't think you and he would end up together regardless), for yourself? If you are unhappy, you can cut yourself loose and try to make a new life for yourself where you will have a greater opportunity for happiness and satisfaction.

[Ellin]

He must be going through a lot of difficult emotions right now.

 

I don't know how close you two were and what went on between you, did you ever make plans for the future together?

 

Maybe he has feelings for you, but since he is now single and you are married, it is not a good place for him to be? Maybe he doesn't want to get hurt, maybe he wants to give himself a chance to meet a SW?

[bittersweet memories]

Well, I don't want a committment from him. I just don't want to loose our friendship. I empathize with him for what he is going through, but if you were feeling that badly, wouldn't you want your friends around?

 

He being a MM and "now" divorce the last thing he wants is a committment, he's a free bird and wants to fly now...

 

Maybe his real friends is what he needs right now NOT someone he has slept with and wants something from him. YOu said he makes you feel all "fatal attraction"..thats probably how see's you or perceives you.

 

Walk Away... give him his space and do not reach out to him let him, reach out to you..Don't Cave!

[bittersweet memories]

He must be going through a lot of difficult emotions right now.

 

I don't know how close you two were and what went on between you, did you ever make plans for the future together?

 

Maybe he has feelings for you, but since he is now single and you are married, it is not a good place for him to be? Maybe he doesn't want to get hurt, maybe he wants to give himself a chance to meet a SW?

 

I doubt it has anything to do with her marraige..that was not an issue before.. maybe she's smothering him or too pushy..why would he make her feel all fatal attraction. That's the key for me..

[confusedinkansas]

I really don't know what formum to post this on.

 

I've been involved in an EA for many years, recently my MM has gotten a divorce and relocated to another city. I know he is having a really hard time dealing with it all and is feeling very lonely. He is pretty mixed up and I want to be there for him but he is so off and on that I am totally confused.

 

One day he says he needs his space that he needs to rebuild his life so I respect that and give him his space. The next week he is phoning me telling me that he misses me...so I go visit him at his new house and he is sooo happy to see me. Big hugs and almost crying. Texts me for two weeks straight everynight. He seems so much happier we talk on the phone for hours just like before & he seems like he is back to his old self laughing telling stories etc.

 

Now this week he pretty much wrote me off again. Instead of being hurt again, this time I'm really p'd off. I'd like to tell him to go to H*LL.

 

We've been such close friends these past years, I don't know how he can just shut me out. He is also doing it to his family and other friends as well. He's making me feel like I am the physco chick in Fatal Attraction, the one that can't get enough of him. I feel like a real idiot.

 

So I guess my question is do I leave him alone...go total NC? Or just give him his needed space. Is he all messed up because of his divorce or does he really want no part of our friendship anymore.

 

When I ask him straight out he doesn't answer....just totally avoids answering the question.

 

WOW - He sounds just like my Ex-MM - He did the same to me.

He got divorced & I was still married. It was a push / pull relationship for the next 2 years.

He wanted his space - but when he felt like he was having a mental breakdown, when he was bored - who did he come running to? Me.

 

Never once did he ask me to divorce my husband. He liked his freedom & liked "using" me in the interum. I gladly let him - (I didn't realize what was happening at the time - I do now)

He would turn into himself & just like your MM he would do the same to everyone that was close to him.(or so he told me he did) I believe it was due to the Divorce & the Affair! Both played a contributing role in his mood swings. So, try not to take it personally. (I did...but as I said - There are a lot of things about him that I realize NOW - Hind site is 20/20)

If it were me - since I've already been thru it - I'd leave him be. Let him figure out what it is he really wants. If he continually tries to contact you, just tell him how you feel.

 

Do you think that the affair can continue with him being single & you still married? Will he want to get out there & date? - Are you planning to divorce & be with him? These are all things you should be asking yourself.

Good luck - It's a tough position to be in. - With my situation - Somehow it was much easier when we were both married. Weird:confused:

[bittersweet memories]

For some, they need a crutch during their marriage so they have an affair. When the marriage ends, they no longer need the crutch and they wean themselves off of it. It sounds like he is weaning.

 

Best to walk away before you get hurt any further. He can't be your friend now because he wasn't really your friend to begin with.

 

If you don't walk away, you will hear from him less and less as he adjusts to the single/dating life, and you will find yourself doing all the work to keep the 'friendship' going. Eventually you will tire of it, and walk away.

 

So you have a choice: walk away now and get the pain over with and start the healing process, or suffer through pain and walk away and then suffer more pain and then start the healing process.

 

I suspect it will be harder since you are married. I suspect now that you are losing MM, you will look on your own husband, find him even more lacking and find yourself in an even deeper slump.

 

You have a tough time ahead of you. Any chance you would consider divorce yourself (not for MM, I don't think you and he would end up together regardless), for yourself? If you are unhappy, you can cut yourself loose and try to make a new life for yourself where you will have a greater opportunity for happiness and satisfaction.

 

 

Excellent post!!

[Ellin]

I doubt it has anything to do with her marraige..that was not an issue before.. maybe she's smothering him or too pushy..why would he make her feel all fatal attraction. That's the key for me..

 

The situation has changed singificantly because of his D. It's not the same as it was before, when they were both M. When things change, feelings change.

 

Just a possibility.

 

And the "feeling of fatal attraction" comes to mind when someone makes you think thay want to have a lot of contact with you and then they start act differently, and if you try to get in touch they shut you out - then you might be left feeling like this. This could be because he's confused and doesn't know what he wants at the moment, in the aftermath of the D.

 

I had a similar situation with someone I was in love with in the past, after he got D. He was different and confused for a period of time and things got complicated. He tried to contact me again later, but I had moved on. Then he regretted.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Ellin

[Fieldsofgold]

Maybe drawing away and then pulling close, and then backing off again - on again, off again - not knowing what he wants - maybe that's just his M/O.

 

Maybe that's how he got in the affair with you in the first place - not able to maintain consistent closeness and Intimacy wih his W. Now unable to sustain emotion closeness with you, or his "friends." Maybe this is just who he is.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Youve been having an EA, living off the bread crumbs the MM provided you, and even though the fantasy of you guys didnt stack up, he moved out and blocked you too?

 

Am I missing something here, you was used, that's what certain MM do, they use women. Why are you so surprised? Now maybe you can get on with your life. Stop believing in all this fantasy crap and find a SINGLE dude to mess with.

 

Why are you wasting time on a man who truly isnt worth it. who was never yours to begin with. Because if he'll do it to her, he'll damn sure do it to you as well!

[Mimolicious]

If that was you wouldn't you want your space? Let's be fair here. The guy is going through some serious changes. Give him time to adjust. If he wants to go through his issues alone, respect that and go NC for a while.

 

BUT

 

Don't be a hypocrite either. You OM is now in a place that you are not willing to be and that is D and SINGLE! He is at this point entitled to move on with whoever he pleases. If you really love this guy, stay away from him. Your "friendship" is not going to help much.

[Mimolicious]

Youve been having an EA, living off the bread crumbs the MM provided you, and even though the fantasy of you guys didnt stack up, he moved out and blocked you too?

 

Am I missing something here, you was used, that's what certain MM do, they use women. Why are you so surprised? Now maybe you can get on with your life. Stop believing in all this fantasy crap and find a SINGLE dude to mess with.

 

Why are you wasting time on a man who truly isnt worth it. who was never yours to begin with. Because if he'll do it to her, he'll damn sure do it to you as well!

 

Why not get a D, set your H free, then find single dudes to mess with?

Either that or focus on your M. Not fair to string your H along while you're jonesing other men.