My MM is now divorced.

[bittersweet memories]

The situation has changed singificantly because of his D. It's not the same as it was before, when they were both M. When things change, feelings change.

 

Just a possibility.

 

And the "feeling of fatal attraction" comes to mind when someone makes you think thay want to have a lot of contact with you and then they start act differently, and if you try to get in touch they shut you out - then you might be left feeling like this. This could be because he's confused and doesn't know what he wants at the moment, in the aftermath of the D.

 

I had a similar situation with someone I was in love with in the past, after he got D. He was different and confused for a period of time and things got complicated. He tried to contact me again later, but I had moved on. Then he regretted.

 

 

Sorry, I just don't buy this whole he's affraid of being hurt! That is so like high school. If someone is into you he will do anything to be with you or have contact. Especially after divorce or atleast keep in touch and not make you feel like you are pshyco (bunny boiler).

[fooled once]

Well, I don't want a committment from him. I just don't want to loose our friendship. I empathize with him for what he is going through, but if you were feeling that badly, wouldn't you want your friends around?

 

You want an EA, not a friendship.

 

If he needs you, he will call you. Sounds like he is nicely trying to give you a hint, but you aren't getting it.

 

He doesn't see you as a friend, he sees you as someone who boosts his ego.

[danis]

That is amazing advice from everbody. Especially when you've stated that he doesn't want to set himself up to get hurt. I've heard him say in more ways than one, that he didn't want to share me with someone else, that he didn't want the left over scraps. But I didn't really understand until now.

 

I just thought about how incredibily lonley he must be up there by himself, and when ever we are together he lights up again. I thought that some time together is better than nothing at all.

 

I thought our friendship would last through his divorce and it would just carry on as usual.

 

It's really tough, I'm incredibly sad without talking to him. I can't begin to imagine what he is going through, but at the same time, my heart is breaking too.

[jthorne]

You sound incredibly selfish.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow this woman is MARRIED?>!>!>!

 

WTF? how sad, her husband needs an escape route quick!

[theycallmeprincess]

------------------

 

Honestly, it's better to not worry about loosing his friendship .. Better to worry about loosing yourself.

 

Particularly since you are married, don't put yourself through all of the confusion ..

 

 

 

Lose!!! People the word is LOSE!!!! Loose is the opposite of tight, lose is the opposite of found. What is happeining to the english language?

[strawberrysprinkles]

Lose!!! People the word is LOSE!!!! Loose is the opposite of tight, lose is the opposite of found. What is happeining to the english language?

It went away with txtspk (text speak).

 

Uh... Happeining??

[cavedweller]

danis,

 

It sounds like you are in love with him...Why don't you divorce your H and the two of you build a relationship?

[Ellin]

That is amazing advice from everbody. Especially when you've stated that he doesn't want to set himself up to get hurt. I've heard him say in more ways than one, that he didn't want to share me with someone else, that he didn't want the left over scraps. But I didn't really understand until now.

 

I just thought about how incredibily lonley he must be up there by himself, and when ever we are together he lights up again. I thought that some time together is better than nothing at all.

 

I thought our friendship would last through his divorce and it would just carry on as usual.

 

It's really tough, I'm incredibly sad without talking to him. I can't begin to imagine what he is going through, but at the same time, my heart is breaking too.

 

Well, that's how a SP in an A with a MP feels... And it's not a nice feeling..

[silverplanets]

That is amazing advice from everbody. Especially when you've stated that he doesn't want to set himself up to get hurt. I've heard him say in more ways than one, that he didn't want to share me with someone else, that he didn't want the left over scraps. But I didn't really understand until now.

 

I just thought about how incredibily lonley he must be up there by himself, and when ever we are together he lights up again. I thought that some time together is better than nothing at all.

 

I thought our friendship would last through his divorce and it would just carry on as usual.

 

It's really tough, I'm incredibly sad without talking to him. I can't begin to imagine what he is going through, but at the same time, my heart is breaking too.

 

For me, choosing to get a D rather than stay where I was unhappy was a sign that I valued the rest of my life more than just staying where I was.

 

Maybe it was the same for him .. maybe he decided he was worth more than an unhappy marriage ...

 

In which case why is he going to go through all the pain of a divorce etc to then settle into a relationship where he only gets the crumbs?

 

He already had one poor relationship .. why would he want another??

 

Surely all this is distraction from the main deal though ...

 

Why have YOU been in an EA for "years" ... why are YOU trying to help/advise someone else rather than focus your attention on you?

 

He's doing ok .. he's got out of a (presumably) bad relationship and is willing to face up to the realities of singe life ...

 

It'll be hard but at least he's owning it and trying to move is life in a direction ...

 

Good for him, in fact great for him.

 

But, what are you doing about you???

[Trimmer]

I've heard him say in more ways than one, that he didn't want to share me with someone else, that he didn't want the left over scraps. But I didn't really understand until now.

 

Well, that's how a SP in an A with a MP feels... And it's not a nice feeling..

Ironically, it's also how a BS, in a marriage with a WS, would feel, if the truth of the affair were known.

 

OP: can you imagine your husband feeling this way, too? "...he didn't want to share me with someone else... he didn't want the left over scraps..." Do you understand that now, too?

[Ellin]

Ironically, it's also how a BS, in a marriage with a WS, would feel, if the truth of the affair were known.

 

OP: can you imagine your husband feeling this way, too? "...he didn't want to share me with someone else... he didn't want the left over scraps..." Do you understand that now, too?

 

I don't think it's quite the same feeling, Trimmer. It's great hurt but of a different kind.

[jthorne]

I don't think it's quite the same feeling, Trimmer. It's great hurt but of a different kind.

Right. I think the pain of a BS is much much worse. To find out the person you pledged you life and loyalty to betrayed you behind your back, I think that would be far more devastating than a person who knowingly engaged in an affair with a married person, knowing full well that they were married.

[confusedinkansas]

I thought our friendship would last through his divorce and it would just carry on as usual.

 

I'm sure there are stories out there about friendships that continue after an affair...........However, I've never read one - heard of one - or experienced one. My Ex & I tried to be friends. It simply just does not work! It's too easy to fall back into the old routine. WAY TOO EASY!

Once you've slept with someone, are so head over heels in love with them, have shared intimate secrets with them & that is OVER.

Then it is all over!

Can you honestly see yourself now just sitting down & having a cup of coffee with this man & talking about the weather, travel plans, his family, etc? Things you talk to your friends about - I doubt it, but if you can do that - you're a better woman than most.

 

Perhaps he can see the writing on the wall.

 

I personally don't know how an affair can sustain when one party is single & the other one is married. But that's just me - something that I just can't compute in my brain. Yes, I'm aware that to many here an affair doesn't make sense AT ALL - EVER.....

But, Why would a single person want to be 'tied down' to someone that is not available all the time? Oh well....guess i'll never have an answer to that one.

[MizFit]

Right. I think the pain of a BS is much much worse. To find out the person you pledged you life and loyalty to betrayed you behind your back, I think that would be far more devastating than a person who knowingly engaged in an affair with a married person, knowing full well that they were married.

 

I am not minimizing the feelings of an OW/OM, but I agree with you wholeheartedly jthorne.

[MizFit]

I'm sure there are stories out there about friendships that continue after an affair...........However, I've never read one - heard of one - or experienced one. My Ex & I tried to be friends. It simply just does not work! It's too easy to fall back into the old routine. WAY TOO EASY!

Once you've slept with someone, are so head over heels in love with them, have shared intimate secrets with them & that is OVER.

Then it is all over!

Can you honestly see yourself now just sitting down & having a cup of coffee with this man & talking about the weather, travel plans, his family, etc? Things you talk to your friends about - I doubt it, but if you can do that - you're a better woman than most.

 

Perhaps he can see the writing on the wall.

 

I personally don't know how an affair can sustain when one party is single & the other one is married. But that's just me - something that I just can't compute in my brain. Yes, I'm aware that to many here an affair doesn't make sense AT ALL - EVER.....

But, Why would a single person want to be 'tied down' to someone that is not available all the time? Oh well....guess i'll never have an answer to that one.

 

I agree with you about not being friends. I have never remained friends with an ex. I am cordial and we get along, but once the line is crossed you can't go back...in my opinion anyway.

 

I'm a SP in an A and I can't see how a M person can be in one...to me it's more logical to have a MM to complement a dating life rather than to sneak him into a married life. I may be an OW, but I still don't understand As and how anyone can justify what they're doing. In case you're wondering...I can understand why my MM doesn't leave his marriage, but I can't understand why he strays from it and doesn't deal with what his ultimate choice is...want to stay in the marriage-make it somewhere you really want to be.

[MizFit]

Hahahahahaa :lmao:

 

If you're gonna be a grammar nazi you should make sure your t's are crossed and i's are dotted.

 

Not to mention lose is the opposite of find, not found...

[hopesndreams]

I really don't know what formum to post this on.

 

I've been involved in an EA for many years, recently my MM has gotten a divorce and relocated to another city. I know he is having a really hard time dealing with it all and is feeling very lonely. He is pretty mixed up and I want to be there for him but he is so off and on that I am totally confused.

 

One day he says he needs his space that he needs to rebuild his life so I respect that and give him his space. The next week he is phoning me telling me that he misses me...so I go visit him at his new house and he is sooo happy to see me. Big hugs and almost crying. Texts me for two weeks straight everynight. He seems so much happier we talk on the phone for hours just like before & he seems like he is back to his old self laughing telling stories etc.

 

Now this week he pretty much wrote me off again. Instead of being hurt again, this time I'm really p'd off. I'd like to tell him to go to H*LL.

 

We've been such close friends these past years, I don't know how he can just shut me out. He is also doing it to his family and other friends as well. He's making me feel like I am the physco chick in Fatal Attraction, the one that can't get enough of him. I feel like a real idiot.

 

So I guess my question is do I leave him alone...go total NC? Or just give him his needed space. Is he all messed up because of his divorce or does he really want no part of our friendship anymore.

 

When I ask him straight out he doesn't answer....just totally avoids answering the question.

 

I think he is interested and pursuing someone else. Looks as though you went into the bin with the Mrs.

[Ellin]

Right. I think the pain of a BS is much much worse. To find out the person you pledged you life and loyalty to betrayed you behind your back, I think that would be far more devastating than a person who knowingly engaged in an affair with a married person, knowing full well that they were married.

 

Yes, of course, in your scenario it's absolutely right. The pain of a BS, who pledged her life and loyalty to her b*****d H who betrayed her for his selfish reasons, just out of the blue, is crushing.

 

And the pain of a cold-hearted sefish person engaging knowingly in an A pales by comparison.......

[hopesndreams]

Yes, of course, in your scenario it's absolutely right. The pain of a BS, who pledged her life and loyalty to her b*****d H who betrayed her for his selfish reasons, just out of the blue, is crushing.

 

And the pain of a cold-hearted sefish person engaging knowingly in an A pales by comparison.......

 

Ummmm..yeah. You got it sister.

[Trimmer]

Ironically, it's also how a BS, in a marriage with a WS, would feel, if the truth of the affair were known.

 

OP: can you imagine your husband feeling this way, too? "...he didn't want to share me with someone else... he didn't want the left over scraps..." Do you understand that now, too?

 

I don't think it's quite the same feeling, Trimmer. It's great hurt but of a different kind.

Oh, I agree. The irony I found in the OP's statement wasn't that the situations or hurts were exactly the same, but rather that on one hand, she was finally able to empathize with her affair partner's sense of loss, of not wanting to share his partner, etc., and yet is (apparently) still unable to recognize that she herself has been visiting a similar loss and hurt upon the person who should be closest to her in the world - her spouse.

[jthorne]

Yes, of course, in your scenario it's absolutely right. The pain of a BS, who pledged her life and loyalty to her b*****d H who betrayed her for his selfish reasons, just out of the blue, is crushing.

 

And the pain of a cold-hearted sefish person engaging knowingly in an A pales by comparison.......

I'd say that about sums it up nicely. Except for your stupid rolly eyes, that is. Except I'd add a few adjectives to the cold-hearted and selfish. Lemme see... Self entitled... Low class... Hateful to name a few. Oh yeah, and delusional...

[danis]

Soo, what everyone is telling me is that I can not support him, when he is feeling this lousy?

 

Just back off and let him be all by himself?

[Trimmer]

Soo, what everyone is telling me is that I can not support him, when he is feeling this lousy?

I think he's telling you that, isn't he?

[2sunny]

Soo, what everyone is telling me is that I can not support him, when he is feeling this lousy?

 

Just back off and let him be all by himself?

 

his action show that - even if his silence doesn't.

 

he has moved further away - both physically and mentally/emotionally.

 

he has purposely separated himself to allow the distance to give him a new start. respect that by staying away and moving along without intruding upon his need for privacy and new beginnings. it's no longer about you and what you can get from him. it probably never was it's just that now he's showing you that he's unwilling to give any more effort and needs to take care of himself and getting in a healthy state of mind...that usually involves letting go of the past and the pain that got a person to that place. any contact by you may remind him of the pain he's trying to heal.