My MM is now divorced.

[Fieldsofgold]

Do you have any similar concern for your husband? If not, why don't you just divorce him, and then you could find your own happiness, maybe now with your D MM?

 

I guess this is what I wonder about all WS. Why don't you just D your H and go be with the one you love?

 

I'm not meaning this in an ugly way. I just really don't understand.

Edited June 29, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[torranceshipman]

He treats you like a doormat and makes you feel like the psycho chick from Fatal Attraction. And you ask whether you should stick around?!

 

Think of it this way. He is now single and is now free to love you 100%. But he isn't interested in doing that. So I think you need to back off. Plus, you are M - now he is single and finally free of all of the stress of the D, why the heck would he want the baggage and drama back, of a M woman who wants some kind of A and has to hide him from her H, etc? Way too much.

 

I think you need to think about your H too - your priorities seem completely wrong. You are lying to your H and being pushy with this other guy just to serve whatever needs you have.

Edited June 29, 2010 by torranceshipman

[danis]

Well I think everyone here knows what it is like to be involved with someone else or have been the BS themselves or they wouldn't be on this forum.

 

Do I think I am hurting my H right now, no I don't. My relationship with my other friend has not affected my marriage and it has been several years since this has all started. I admit that it was a very intense EA at one time but it is not like that anymore, too much time has passed and too many things have happened. We have never done anything physical. So like most people in EA's they tend to think that it is not cheating.

 

Yes I hide my relationship with him from my H, if I thought he would be acceptable of me having a male friend than I would tell him for sure. But seriously how many husbands would feel secure enough to let their wives have a male friend.

 

People in affairs compartentalize their relationships with their H/W and the person they are having their A with. I can tell you that is what I do, if I am being completely honest. My friendship with once MM is still very important to me.

 

OK...so that's how I feel. I'm sure I'm going to hear it now. But I'm being honest.

 

BTW, he contacted me today to tell me that he is just taking one day at a time and doesn't mean to ognore me. I told him that if he wanted me out of his life forever to just come out and tell me. I said it would be easier for me to deal with than being ignored making me feel like a stalker.

 

He said no, that's not what he wants at all, that he is just having a rough time right now.

 

SoI guess its back to the occasional text or email, and how's the weather conversations.

[2sunny]

it is cheating and i'll tell you why. your mind and energy is taken up with thoughts and feelings for your OM.

 

so when you may actually be with your H - you aren't really present to enjoy his companionship like you would if you never had the distraction of your OM.

 

this isn't one bit fair that your H doesn't know. he's being cheated out of your love and attention because you are so preoccupied with what the OM is or is not doing. that is why it is considered cheating. he is cheated out of you giving yourself completely to him. he only gets a portion of you - at best.

 

how would you like it if you found out that all his mental, emotional and fantasy thoughts were for another woman? betrayal is a curious thing... it doesn't always need to be about the sex. but you are definitely cheating him out of time and focused energy with the loving wife he THOUGHT you were capable of being.

 

how is that not cheating?

[Woman In Blue]

Do I think I am hurting my H right now, no I don't. My relationship with my other friend has not affected my marriage and it has been several years since this has all started. I admit that it was a very intense EA at one time but it is not like that anymore, too much time has passed and too many things have happened. We have never done anything physical. So like most people in EA's they tend to think that it is not cheating.

Who are you trying to kid - us, or yourself? Call a spade a spade. If you're not willing to tell your husband everything about your "friendship," then it's not the innocent thing you claim it to be, and you know it.

 

Aside from that, your divorced friend just doesn't have it in him right now to meet your emotional needs. Your needs (in his mind) pale in comparison to his. Like the others have said, it's also very possible that he's met a lady who can offer him more than a married one can. He's free to mingle, date, get involved, have random one-night stands, and all that stuff. Sending you romantic texts all day kind of pales in comparison to being able to have drinks or dinner with an attractive available lady, don't you think?

[U2RockZz]

you hide your R from your H cuz...if he knows he going divorce you anyway......so don't feed BS

 

i just read some of your posts...it seems to be your life time ambition is how to cheat on your H....again it doesn't really bother me that your H is cranky.... with this kind of a lady in home who the hell need enemies.....get a D ASAP....at least that guy(H) can live longer with out you...and never complain about your H's attitude..cuz considering environment he is living in.....it's more than natural

Edited June 30, 2010 by U2RockZz

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, of course, in your scenario it's absolutely right. The pain of a BS, who pledged her life and loyalty to her b*****d H who betrayed her for his selfish reasons, just out of the blue, is crushing.

 

And the pain of a cold-hearted sefish person engaging knowingly in an A pales by comparison.......

 

yup, that sums it up pretty good:cool:

[Chrome Barracuda]

...this So-called woman is an F-ing nutjob!!!

 

She dont think she's hurting her husband? Are you serious? WTF!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes I hide my relationship with him from my H, if I thought he would be acceptable of me having a male friend than I would tell him for sure. But seriously how many husbands would feel secure enough to let their wives have a male friend.

 

oh bullsh#t lady. we aren't talking about a "friend", we are talking about a man that is MORE than friends to you.

I'm sure in your delusional world you believe this and justified this kind of thinking to yourself.

 

People in affairs compartentalize their relationships with their H/W and the person they are having their A with. I can tell you that is what I do, if I am being completely honest. My friendship with once MM is still very important to me.

 

 

and very disrespectful to your husband. why don't you just get a divorce if your husband is this insignificant to you? as if cheating on him isn't bad enough, you think you are going to be just friends after having an affair with guy?

 

ya, good luck with that.

 

anyone that stays "friends" with people they had an affair with are just prolonging the disrespect of their spouse.

 

Like if you cared about your husband, which is evident that you do not because you don't even hardly give him the consideration of any mention in this thread, I highly doubt you'd want him being friends with a woman he slid his member in and out of behind your back. (i can just see you coming back and saying you'd have no problem with it:rolleyes:)

[Dexter Morgan]

it is cheating and i'll tell you why. your mind and energy is taken up with thoughts and feelings for your OM.

 

so when you may actually be with your H - you aren't really present to enjoy his companionship like you would if you never had the distraction of your OM.

 

and THIS is exactly why it IS hurting the husband. the man's wife is emotionally unavailable and therefore isn't being a wife at all.

 

this husband would DEFINITELY be better off with a good woman. but OP will not come clean and let him decide that for himself so he can go out and find that good woman if he so desired.

 

H is being robbed of his life.

[danis]

Everbody always paints the picture of the BS, as the innocent victim. Why is it than, that so many women have to look for the attention of other men?? It's because their emotional needs are NOT being met at home.

 

It takes two to make a marriage work and when there is weakness in it and the spouse isn't willing to recognize that there are issues that need to be worked on, naturally someone is going to be lonely and find comfort somewhere else.

 

So yeah, I compeletely admit that by me focusing on the OM, it takes my attention off my H.

 

But maybe he should be paying me some attention and I wound't feel so lonely and be seeking the attention of OM.

[danis]

I know I'm all over the map on this, I have been for years. I'm just so tired of all the crap from OM & H.

 

Sometimes I just want to go away somewhere all by myself.

 

Tried NC, too many times to count. Maybe this time with OM being the way he is, is my best chance to do just that.

[2sunny]

Everbody always paints the picture of the BS, as the innocent victim. Why is it than, that so many women have to look for the attention of other men?? It's because their emotional needs are NOT being met at home.

 

It takes two to make a marriage work and when there is weakness in it and the spouse isn't willing to recognize that there are issues that need to be worked on, naturally someone is going to be lonely and find comfort somewhere else.

 

So yeah, I compeletely admit that by me focusing on the OM, it takes my attention off my H.

 

But maybe he should be paying me some attention and I wound't feel so lonely and be seeking the attention of OM.

 

I know I'm all over the map on this, I have been for years. I'm just so tired of all the crap from OM & H.

 

Sometimes I just want to go away somewhere all by myself.

Tried NC, too many times to count. Maybe this time with OM being the way he is, is my best chance to do just that.

 

not ALL women need to look for attention from men. some of us healthy women get that from ourselves. don't lump all women (including me) with such a broad and biased brush stroke.

 

if i'm lonely and need comfort - i don't use another person - at their expense - to fill me up. that is what we call totally selfish and self serving. it has nothing to do with loving behavior.

 

it takes two to make it work. so, how can it work if YOU aren't participating in a kind and loving manner? you have ruined your chances ALL BY YOURSELF.

 

somewhere by yourself... that's a good start. the you are only hurting yourself instead of two additional people. seriously - by yourself is a good place to find what happy looks like for you.

Edited July 1, 2010 by 2sunny

[Chrome Barracuda]

I dont feel sorry for you danis...

 

Save your tears.

 

The best thing for you would be to tell your husband the truth and let him decide if he wishes to remain married.

 

Giving him a choice is better than no choice at all...

 

Is it fair you hold all the cards and he holds none or do you get off on it having control over the situation. Is that what you do in life, play games and blame everyone else when you cant stand it?

[Trimmer]

It takes two to make a marriage work and when there is weakness in it and the spouse isn't willing to recognize that there are issues that need to be worked on, naturally someone is going to be lonely...

I'm actually with you up to this point. It's after that that you go off the rails...

 

...and find comfort somewhere else.

Now, even this, on it's face isn't necessarily so bad. 2sunny makes some good points above that you might have a more healthy psyche if you can comfort yourself first, and then adorn your already-whole life with the pleasant company of another, but I'm not even going to judge you for wanting comfort from someone outside of you.

 

My problem is that you are looking for that comfort while you are still in a promised, faithful relationship with your husband, and that is dishonorable. If you are so unhappy - and you make a great case that you are - then step out of one relationship before you enter another. Then you can "get your comfort" (if you must have a man to be comfortable) with some honor and integrity.

 

 

But maybe he should be paying me some attention and I wound't feel so lonely and be seeking the attention of OM.

I call BS, and I don't mean "betrayed spouse." You may well have valid complaints about your husband's contributions to your marital problems, but you need to own your decision to seek outside companionship and "comfort" before leaving your current relationship.

 

Sometimes I just want to go away somewhere all by myself.

I agree again with 2sunny that this is a useful thought to give some strong consideration to. It sounds like you feel you need a man to complete yourself, to make yourself whole, etc... Maybe you would benefit from some time alone, discovering that you can be a whole, strong individual on your own. In the future, that may give you the confidence to do some of the things you cannot do now, like address your relationship problems head on, instead of cheating, hiding your outside relationship, and staying mired in a no-win status quo.

Edited July 1, 2010 by Trimmer

[danis]

All excellent observations and advice.

 

I'm at the point right now, that I really don't care about OM. Told him that I won't be contacting him anymore.

 

I'd be lying to myself and everyone else if I thought I could actually stick to that plan, but right now I've just lost all interest. I'm tired of the games and being left hanging all the time.

 

Everyone is right, I need to concentrate on me and my problems and focus on my hubby. Got a nice weekend planned etc.

 

I've read all the NC helpful hints...they don't work. I've even tried the elastic band trick. (wear it on your wrist, and when you're having a weak moment give it a snap) Didn't work either.

 

I don't know what else to try...if I make it past the 2 month mark am I in the clear??? How long does it last before you stop thinking about them every 5 mintues?

[U2RockZz]

why waste your time/H's time get a D....nothing will work for you ...until u wanted them to work....since you have not had any opportunity to face the consequences for your actions .....