Moved to save marriage, but having second thoughts (long)

[moom_of_3]

I'm going to try and be as honest as possible on this post. I visit here quite a bit but usually never post exept for once, about my dislike for the porn issue which seems to be pretty common here.

 

I recently moved 1500 miles away from my family and friends to salvage my marriage, at my husbands request. We had a lot of problems that he said would be fixed if we moved. I believed him. I would actually be off right now at the mall or somewhere else walking off my frustrations, but alas, he took possesion of the car keys so I couldn't leave the house because we were fighting. He did however give me the option of leaving if I took all 3 of our children with me, all under the age of 3, my youngest with a cold. It has been snowing quite a bit the last couple days including all this morning and I didn't want to chance going out in that with my baby. He said that he had planned to go to bed while I was gone if I left and that was why he wanted to take the kids.

 

I left a good job that didn't pay too well, but I was able to take my kids to work with me because it was a family business. I covered income, childcare, and medical insurance for myself and the kids. He worked for himself. Because of some very bad habits that I won't mention, he stopped going to work and boarded himself in our kids room claiming that I had cheated on him. Delusions, I believe, that were made worse by his bad habit. I now live in the middle of nowhere as a stay at home mom and I am climbing the walls wanting to go back to work, but frankly, we would not be able to afford the child care, and I do prefer to take care of the kids myself. Things have been pretty good since we moved here. He has a steady job, and except for the occasional brush with porn, things have been going a lot better. I've been doing my best to deal with that problem, but sometimes the hurt that it inflicts gets the better of me. I'm trying though and he does not look at it as much a he use to.

 

I know I'm rambling, but I just wanted to put in a little recent history. One thing, is I wish he could understand my need to get out of the house. I don't count hauling all three kids to the grocery store 20 miles away once a week as getting out. I do get to go to church on Sundays but it isn't enough for me. I have been pretty much working my entire life. My parents own thier own business and I have been helping them out and working for them most of my life, and except for a few stray months, I have always had a job, I'm kind of a work-a-holic that way. To the point. I feel that I have given up everything, including my freedom, to move here and work it out with him. Now that he is the sole provider of the family I have duties that I am expected to do and I, for the most part try to get them done. Mostly general stuff like cleaning, laundry, taking care of the kids, that kind of stuff. Lately I've been slacking off because it is not really that satisfying a life for me. Granted I love my kids, and I love spending time with them, but lately I've been thinking of all I gave up to move here. Since he is the working man now, when it suits him, everything belongs to him, the car, our stuff, everything. I feel like I'm just the lady who takes care of the kids. When we have fights, I have no where to really go, and I don't know anyone to go out with to help me vent, when back home, all I had to do was make a phone call and one of my sisters would go rent a movie or go to walk the mall or something along those lines. When I talk to my sisters and parents (daily) I always tell them how great things are here, even though, most of the time, I don't feel that way. My husband gives the kids a whole lot more attention now and is a better father now than he ever was, and he is nice to me most the time, though he tends to jump on me anytime the house is messy or the dishes aren't done, or when I'm tired. Not keeping in mind, that I am still getting up 2-3 times a night with our youngest. Things have been trickling southward lately and I am so scared that he is going to start acting the way he did before I decided to move here. Lets just say that it was scary bad. I love hime very much, and frankly I'm afraid to be on my own alone. Taking the keys, for example, so I can't leave the house. Making comments about how crazy I am for getting upset at different things, or today when watching the tv they showed Qualcom Stadium on the TV and he made a comment to our kids about that is where he met their mean mom and they were the start of the most terrible years of his life. I may have deserved it a little bit. Earlier he had me pinned down, not violently or anything, but I wanted him to let go, he wouldn't, so I head butted him. I did it a little harder than expected and he turned on me. I told him I didn't mean to do it that hard, I just wanted to loosen his grip, but he launched into the usual hurtful remarks and stuff that he used to do, and so far hasn't really let up, except of course to tell me that I'm acting crazy.

 

A lot of the time lately I feel like it wasn't worth it to move here, that he is going to get back into his old habits and I will be totally miserable again. Am I just being paranoid? I miss my sisters and my parents like crazy, we were always very close. I am also the only one with kids and they are missing the kids tremendously. I just needed outside opinions, because I don't want my family to worry about me and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this because my husband is just not interested in it. ie: "If you don't like it here, just leave, but you can't take the kids"

 

Thanks in advance,

mom_of_3

[carla]

You poor dear. I hate to say this., but sometimes you have to be told in order to realise it.....You are in a abusive and dominating marriage. I WAS in a marriage that was mentally abusive I just thought oh he's having a bad day, or I shouldn't have got him upset. Then a friend told me that he was abusing me. "Why do you let him call you stupid all the time?" "Why do you let him belittle you infront of people?" I never noticed how bad it was until a friend opened my eyes. Honey your in the same situation. It is very tough. I hope things don't get physical. Make an escape plan just in case you need it. I think you should confide in your family. It sounds like they are all you have. My father had to rescue me from my situation, he was upset with me because I didn't tell him how bad things were. Your family loves you and I'm sure that they would be more then willing to help you. As for getting out, Maybe you should find a mothers play group mom's and tots or something. Your kids get to have fun and you have an oppuntunity to make new friends. As for a job try something that you can do from home ie: Avon give books out at moms and tots while taking the kids out for a walk deliver books door to door. You won't make millions but it will get your mind into other things and its

another way to meet people. I wish you the best of luck.

[SoleMate]

What are you thinking of doing? Leaving him, or trying to fix your marriage?

 

If you had a strong urge to pile your kids in the car and head back home to your parents and sisters, I sure could understand it.