Mother In Law Issues

[crazycatlady]

I avoid going home and bringing my kids home because to do that means I have to arrange for similar time with the In Laws. I deal fine with FIL most of the time, get along ok with BIL and his wife. But MIL drives me apes***. Seriously.

 

I was waffling about this summer's trip. Its been two years or more since its happened, and it needed to happen. So I began planning it and camp and trying to figure out the right dates etc. So a month ago I finally settled on the dates and called his parents and emailed mine.

 

First mistake, I only called. Should have emailed and had the record for proof. She is now claiming she didn't know until last week when we would be visiting. FTR we got on the road last week to meet up with her with her family. I did move the trip up two days because she said she was getting there two days early and my husband was leaving that day anyway to go out of town, so no reason to stay home and in fact was able to travel most of the two day trip with my husband (safer that way for both of us)

 

But she's claiming she didn't know to take this whole week off. And is mad at me because she has to work tomorrow and friday. WTF. I repeatedly told her I would be here from the 19th until the 29th (and I moved it up two more days) Those days actually had been set in stone for like two months even.

 

My H told me repeatedly she was going to pull this number on us. Try and delay our trip home, or our visit with my mom or horn in on the time spent with my mom.

 

I'm sick and tired of this poisonous woman ruining my time with my family. My parents take the time to come and see us. They have helped bring us home on multiple occassions. We never spend a dime there. And are often given money to do things while there. They don't whine, complain about my parenting, try and get me to go away and leave my kids unsupervised with them....so on and so forth.

 

I hate that I can't come more often because getting my husband to visit his parents is harder then pulling teeth from a lion. And I refuse to come here without him anymore. I don't think he will let me come without him. I have gotten to the point that I hate this place. I dread coming. I dread dealing with my husband because he hates this place even more, but I can't do it without him. If I try to stand up for myself she ignores me and goes right over me. And until the last few years we never had a car of our own because we were coming from overseas to visit so I couldn't even get in the car and leave.

 

I don't even want to get into how she treats my kids different.

 

I have never forgiven her on how she treated me one christmas and I know that after 5 years I should, but she still doesn't think she did anything wrong and has not ever apologized for it. I would forgive her if she did but until she sees what she did was wrong, then she does not respect me. And I'm struggling giving her any type of consideration.

 

But she does this every time! Every single time we visit, she claims she didn't know when we were coming and didn't take time off and then tries to rangle out more time and most of the time we end up giving it to her. She claims she hasn't had time to spend with the kids, but she had three full days of nothing but time to spend with them in the mountains, and she fiddlefarted it all away doing stupid crap instead of spending time with them. And this happens every time.

 

Once she had I kid you not, 4 months notice. I had plan tickets everything, told her exactly when I would be there, arranged for them to pick us up etc. And still she didn't do what needed to be done until we got there - beds covered in crap, no food for the kids, nothing and wasted a good half of her time with us catching up on housework etc instead of spending time with the kids.

 

I'm trying to steel myself up to saying "sorry you had your time" and no the time is not equal. it use to be equal. But I refuse to give up my vacation time to make her feel better about her self or something. 14 years I've put up with this bulls***.

 

I better end this now before I really get going.

[StarrySkyBlue]

It seems your husband doesn't have very strong ties with his family anyway, so there should be no pressure to even visit them! Why do you feel the need to arrange similar 'visits' for the ILs if neither you or your husband feel like going and your MIL is behaving in such an irresponsible manner? Can't you just visit your mom without your ILs knowing? (Or do they live near each other?)

[D-Lish]

My ex-MIL was crazy, mean, demanding, disturbed, needy...and she hated me from day one, she actually insulted me the first time I met her. Unfortunately, she lived 20 minutes away, so the strife was ongoing with her. I dealt with her abuse and antics for 8 years!

 

If she's this difficult, I wouldn't make any special accomodations for her this trip! She sounds like no matter what, nothing you ever do is going to be "right"... You just can't reason with people like this, so there is no use in trying to.

 

Maybe she needs to learn that her actions have consequences. YOU are the ones making the effort to go out to see them, the least she can do is be as accomodating as possible for you!

 

If I were you, I'd be saying enough is enough. Spend the majority of your time with your parents and limit how much time you see your MIL this trip.

[D-Lish]

Sounds like my XMIL. To top it off she was highly addicted to prescription medication, which exacerbated her antics. When XH and I were going through a divorce she said some atrocious things about me which even my XH said he knew were not true. From what he told me it got to the point where he could no longer talk to her about the divorce.

 

She stole her own mother's morphine (who was dying at the time).

 

She refused to spend Christmas Day with us because she could not bear to leave her outside dog home alone (this was after we offered several times to bring the dog).

 

She is probably one of the most spiteful women I have ever met in my entire life. Crazy old thing. Thank God she is out of my life.

 

I hear you Lisa- oh the relief I felt when that nasty bat was out of my life!

 

My MIL used to invite my H (her son) for holiday/family dinners- but never me. She'd become irate if he didn't go, or if we went to my parents because it was their turn. For the past few years of our marriage, I'd go to my parents and he'd go to his for holidays.

 

Her intrusive and crazy behaviour was the number one reason my H and I grew apart and split. He couldn't stand up to her, and I simply lost respect for him for never being able to support me when it came to her.

 

I completely understand what it is like to deal with a horrible MIL. I only wish I had stood up to her back then.

[crazycatlady]

I hear you Lisa- oh the relief I felt when that nasty bat was out of my life!

 

My MIL used to invite my H (her son) for holiday/family dinners- but never me. She'd become irate if he didn't go, or if we went to my parents because it was their turn. For the past few years of our marriage, I'd go to my parents and he'd go to his for holidays.

 

Her intrusive and crazy behaviour was the number one reason my H and I grew apart and split. He couldn't stand up to her, and I simply lost respect for him for never being able to support me when it came to her.

 

I completely understand what it is like to deal with a horrible MIL. I only wish I had stood up to her back then.

 

That's where I got lucky. My H stands up for me. The thing is I'm rather fond of his father and I like his brother alright. But the father is very whipped by the mother. So he just does what she says - like with time off.

 

My h has told me he will stand firmly behind me on what I decide to do. I've decided since she knew exactly when we were leaving no matter what she claims, I know I said we would stay until my mother's birthday because it made a good break point. So the fact they didn't take off like they were wanting to take off - they were going to spit days off so they didn't use as much leave and we weren't sitting around all day. Well here we are sitting around all day and she's wanting us to come back out later once htey arrange leave. Well that's not happening.

 

 

CCL

[DaisyLeigh]

Screw them. You don't have to make things fair and equal with them. If they don't like it, they can lump it.

 

And for the record...unless someone is disabled, there is no "can't stand up to them". It is a REFUSAL to stand up to them. It is a choice.

[D-Lish]

That's where I got lucky. My H stands up for me.

 

I think that makes all the difference in the world. My exH avoided, and left me hanging out to dry because he was so fearful of a confrontation with his mother (she cried and used heavy guilt to control her family).

 

I am glad you aren't being too accomodating, and you have your H's support!

[turnera]

Look at this in terms of 10 years from now.

 

Will this really matter?

 

Make decisions in long-term choices; it will help you.

[D-Lish]

Look at this in terms of 10 years from now.

 

Will this really matter?

 

Make decisions in long-term choices; it will help you.

 

It will matter, it will always matter. That's the thing about family- you can't escape.

[turnera]

You can if you don't let such things dominate your life.

[D-Lish]

You can if you don't let such things dominate your life.

 

The OP obviously hasn't, it still hurts her though.

Edited June 30, 2010 by D-Lish

[turnera]

The OP obviously hasn't, it still hurts her though.

Which is entirely about attitude, and your CHOICE in how you approach things. Lots of things hurt me but I don't let them dictate how I live my life. I choose to look for the positive in everything so I don't just dwell on the negative. That's possible for nearly every situation. If you decide to, and do the work. I'm not decrying OP the right to feel how she feels, but she DOES have a choice.

[crazycatlady]

Its so simply when its not you involved. Sure I could cut her out of our lives. But its not fair to my fil is a fairly nice guy.

 

However towards the end of the trip I think she was starting to get that I wasn't backing down and she is missing out on more time with the kids because I decided she didn't listen when I told her I would be there, it wasn't my fault she didn't take the time off, and I wasn't going to reward her not listening by taking away from the time I was spending with my family nor was I going back there again.

 

So in the end it worked out. I just really needed to vent so I didn't pop off and say something I would later regret. Because as much as I don't think she respects me, she isn't an evil woman. Just.....inconsiderate. Very inconsiderate. And selfish. But neither of those two things makes her evil.

 

Sad that it works out that way but it could be much worse. My husband could be more like his brother and wouldn't have his support against his mother. At least we are united together in this. The way it should be.

 

CCL

[sb129]

So in the end it worked out. I just really needed to vent so I didn't pop off and say something I would later regret. Because as much as I don't think she respects me, she isn't an evil woman. Just.....inconsiderate. Very inconsiderate. And selfish. But neither of those two things makes her evil.

 

And thats great- I fully agree with venting elsewhere so you can get it off your chest without creating conflict with the person involved.

 

Sad that it works out that way but it could be much worse. My husband could be more like his brother and wouldn't have his support against his mother. At least we are united together in this. The way it should be.

 

Also great that its not causing conflict between you and your H.

 

My MIL is nice enough and well meaning but can be a total interfering PITA and she is coming to stay for nearly a whole week this week. Can't wait.