At my wits end...

[grassgreen]

Hi, thanks in advance for any advice given.

 

I have been married now 4 years and have a beautiful 1 year old girl with my wife. My wife and my mom & sister got on great before my wifes "hen party", when due to too much drink and a stupid argument they fell out, they made up the next day. A few other things happened leading up to our wedding that didn't go down well with my wife. As I said over the past 4 years when we meet up (which is 1/2 a week) I feel there is an edge. My wife gets on great with my father and bro but I notice a change in her demenour(sp?) when she is around my mother and sis. I ask my wife and she says that there is no problem. Last week my Mum & Dad asked to take my lil girl out for a walk and said they would be 1 hour as she was due to go to bed. They arrived back after 2 hours and when they arrived my wife had words with my mom. It was an ugly enough incident and witnessing it was the last straw for me. The next day I went alone and talked to my mom about what happened. She said she was sorry that she was late and she didnt realise my girl had to be back. She also said that she felt that my wife has a problem with her and my sis and thats the reason why my sis doesnt call to see her niece very often. How do I resolve this, all I want is for them to have a civil relationship and not make me feel like I am stuck in the middle.

[Atlantico]

... all I want is for them to have a civil relationship and not make me feel like I am stuck in the middle.

 

You may be wanting something impossible to achieve, in which case DON´T try to fix it. As I have learned myself the problem is not usually the family of our spouse, it is rather the way our spouse DEALS and reacts to these relation problems, in a way that many tend to be on the side of his/her family!! Big mistake. Your wife married you, not your family.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Atlantico

[turnera]

You solve it by talking about it until you reach a resolution. Your wife needs to be heard, and she apparently doesn't trust you to hear her.

[Atlantico]

You solve it by talking about it until you reach a resolution. Your wife needs to be heard, and she apparently doesn't trust you to hear her.

 

grassgreen wife is probably doing the same I did: trying to limit the damage by keeping the problem to herself. I can safely say that, in my case, that too was wrong: I should have spoken up my point to both parties from minute 1!

[StarrySkyBlue]

She's afraid that if she told you, you would take you mom and sister's side. She's also afraid that her feelings won't be validated, that you'll just brush her aside and say "You think too much. Of course they didn't mean that!". If you need to fix this you need to have her confidence that whatever problems she has, no matter how little, are legit and will be treated with respect and earnestness.

[turnera]

And realize that women have a very subtle...lack of trust of other women. It's very subtle, kind of like a cat keeping an eye out for danger, even when they're sleeping. It's just always 'turned on,' the knowledge that other women may not always have their back. And especially when it's her husband's mother and sister, no doubt she feels somewhat outnumbered, and expects them to not be inclusive with her, and expects you to side with your family.

[Atlantico]

She's afraid that if she told you, you would take you mom and sister's side. She's also afraid that her feelings won't be validated, that you'll just brush her aside and say "You think too much. Of course they didn't mean that!". If you need to fix this you need to have her confidence that whatever problems she has, no matter how little, are legit and will be treated with respect and earnestness.

 

Exactly!! Brush me aside with "come on, they did not mean it" was extremely frustrating and demeanor (sp?) of my feelings. Sorry for keeping mentioning my case, but the trauma is alive!! And going...

[grassgreen]

Thank you all so much. I think you may have hit the nail on the head, I do say those things hoping that it might help the situation but I see now I was only making things worse. Only last night my wife said I am too leniant towards my mom etc. My wife is getting so angry about this and maybe the anger is with me and not so much the situation?

[turnera]

Most definitely. She may have expected them to be that way, but she did NOT expect you to not protect her from them or stand up to them FOR her.

[DaisyLeigh]

Exactly!! Brush me aside with "come on, they did not mean it" was extremely frustrating and demeanor (sp?) of my feelings. Sorry for keeping mentioning my case, but the trauma is alive!! And going...

 

Here are a couple of gems:

 

"You are over-reacting!", or "You need to IGNORE them." Also, "You need to be the BIGGER person."

 

Then, there is the biggest pisser of all, "That's JUST the way they/she/he are/is."

 

For men, it is easier to take the side of their mother and/or sister, and expect their wife to just suck it up. God forbid they act like an actual adult man, and stand up for the wife, which is the right thing to do, at least in my experience. (yes I know that some DILS are *******s too)

 

I have absolutely no problem putting my own mother in her place when needed. My husband, on the other hand, has rarely stood up for me, which has created a rift that will likely never be mended, because he still doesn't see where he is wrong.

 

Thankfully, we no longer live close to the inlaws. And since I just got a new job and have no vacation time, it will be a couple of years before we go back to visit.